CVIndependent

Fri10182019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

My roommate is a gay man who is into getting fisted. A lot.

We were FWBs until he moved into my place, at which point we agreed it would be better for us to not have sex anymore. It’s worked out fine, and he’s been here for a year. Here’s the problem: About two years ago, he got into fisting, and he has someone over every night to fist him. As soon as he comes home from work, he spends a good hour in the bathroom cleaning out, and then some guy comes over to fist him. Every single day.

My roommate is a very attractive guy who doesn’t think he’s attractive at all. I’ve talked to him a few times about whether he’s being sexually compulsive, but he just laughs and says, “Well, you suck a lot of dick.” (I have a healthy but moderate sex life.) I am concerned that all of this ass play is not healthy. As a friend, I want him to seek help for his sexual compulsion, his low self-esteem and his social isolation. As a roommate, I am tired of all these strange men coming into my home and the high water bill.

Frequent Insertions Sincerely Trouble Someone

“Fisting is a healthy and safe sexual activity so long as the participants are sober,” said Dr. Peter Shalit, a physician and author who works with many gay men. “There is a misconception that fisting damages the anal sphincter, loosens it, and causes a loss of bowel control over time. This is absolutely false.”

Devin Franco, a gay porn star who’s been getting fisted on a weekly basis for many years, backs up Dr. Shalit. “People who are only used to vanilla intercourse are sometimes shocked,” said Franco. “People will leave comments on my videos asking if I was in pain, even though I’m clearly always enjoying it. Fisting is actually the most pleasurable sexual act I’ve ever experienced—and seven years in, (there have been) no negative health consequences, and everything down there works just fine, thanks.”

But exactly how does that work? How does someone like Franco get a fist and/or a ridiculously large sex toy in his butt?

“A skilled fisting bottom can voluntarily relax the anal sphincter in order to accommodate a hand up to the wrist or further,” explained Dr. Shalit. “A skilled fisting top knows how to insert their hand—it’s actually fingertips first, not a clenched fist—and how to do it gently, taking their time, and using lots of lube. And, again, after the session is over, the sphincter returns to its normal state.”

Which is not to say that people haven’t injured themselves or others engaging in anal play with large sex toys, fists or even perfectly average cocks—people most certainly have. That’s why it’s crucial to take things slow, use lots of lube, and go at it sober.

“Fisting isn’t for everyone,” said Dr. Shalit. “In fact, most people are unable to relax their sphincter in this fashion.”

But to figure out whether fisting is for you—to determine whether you’re one of those people who can relax their sphincter—first you gotta wanna, and then you gotta try.

“It actually took about two years for me,” said Franco. “That’s from the first time I did anal play, thinking, ‘Maybe I can get his whole fist in there,’ to the first time I actually got a fist in my ass. Two years.”

And while fisting isn’t for everyone, FISTS, like Dr. Shalit said, it’s very clearly for your roommate. But enjoying the hell out of a particular sexual activity—even one that seems extreme to those who don’t enjoy it—isn’t by itself evidence of low self-esteem or sexual compulsion.

“If FISTS thinks his roommate has low self-esteem,” said Dr. Shalit, “he’s done the right thing by telling him he should seek help. But that’s the end of his responsibility. Whether or not his roommate seeks help is up to his roommate. And it’s hard for me to agree that his roommate is being sexually compulsive based on what’s in the letter. Many men have sex every day, and the roommate’s sex life doesn’t seem to have any negative consequences, except that FISTS doesn’t like it.”

While Franco also doesn’t think getting fisted daily is proof that your roommate is out of control, fisting isn’t something he does every day. “Doing it daily sounds exhausting,” he said. “The act requires a lot of physical exertion. I personally need a little recovery time between sessions. But I do know guys who do it every day—maybe not a fist every day, but they play with large toys every day. But I couldn’t, and I don’t.”

All that said, FISTS, two of your cited reasons for not liking what your roommate is up to—strange men in and out of your apartment (and your roommate), and all that douching driving up your water bill—are legitimate complaints that you shouldn’t be shy about addressing.

“To not have a lot of strangers in and out of the apartment is a reasonable ask of a roommate,” said Dr. Shalit. “But if the roommate sees a steady stream of FISTS’ hookups coming over, it could seem like a double standard. And I suppose he could ask for extra help with the water bill, but I’m skeptical that ‘cleaning out’ for fisting would actually cause a significant increase in the bill.”

Dr. Shalit recommends Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin to anyone who wants to learn more about anal intercourse, fisting and other forms of anal play. “It’s the bible of anal sexuality,” said Dr. Shalit.

Follow Devin Franco on Twitter @devinfrancoxxx, and check out his work at justfor.fans/devinfrancoxxx.


My husband of nearly 20 years came out to me as bisexual about two months ago. He assured me he has no intention of looking outside our marriage for other sex partners.

We’ve always had a kind of barrier sexually, and it seemed to fall away after he came out. We’ve since done all manner of things, including my using a dildo on him. (Thanks for all the tips over the years about anal!) It has been a fun and empowering experience overall.

There is one thing I am having trouble with. He mentioned that he’d like me to peg him using a strap-on. I mean, of course he would, right? He’d like to actually feel my body against his. That would doubtless make the whole experience better for him. But I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Does this require me, even if temporarily, to change my body? I’m feeling really vulnerable and insecure about it, like it means there’s something wrong with my body. I get panicky just thinking about it. (My husband has not done or said anything to make me feel bad about my body.)

Using the dildo is no big thing, and I don’t understand why this feels so different and difficult.

Pegging Feels Different

You don’t have to do anything about this right now, PFD. Your husband only came out to you as bisexual two months ago! Your husband’s honesty pulled down that barrier you’d always sensed but could never name, and that’s wonderful and exciting. And you’re already exploring anal penetration with him on the receiving end, which is something many straight men also enjoy. If covering your genitals temporarily with a strap-on makes you feel awkward or unwanted, you don’t have to do it—not now, not ever. But I can’t imagine you think there’s something wrong with the bodies of lesbians who use strap-ons with their female partners, just as you don’t seem to think holding a dildo means there’s something wrong with (or inadequate about) your hands.

If covering your vulva with a strap-on makes you feel negated or undesirable, there are dildo harnesses that strap on to your thigh, not your crotch, and could provide your husband with body-to-body closeness during penetration while still leaving your vulva and clit accessible for digital stimulation.

On the Lovecast, are people actually using dental dams? (Spoiler: No.): savagelovecast.com.

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I took Molly with my best bud. We wound up cuddling and telling each other everything. We didn’t mess around—we’re both straight guys—but one of the things I told him is that I would much rather eat pussy than fuck, and one of the things he told me is that he’s not at all into eating pussy and pretty much only likes to fuck. I think we’d make a great team: We’re both good-looking, athletic dudes, and we should find a woman who loves to have her pussy eaten and loves to get fucked. I would go down on her and get her going (and coming), then he steps in and dicks her down (and gets her off one last time). What say you?

Ultimate Package Deal

I would say, “FUCK YES!” if I were a woman, UPD, which I’m not. And while I can’t promise you every woman will have the same reaction I did, some women most definitely will.


I’m a male in my late 50s. I went to a urologist for my erection problem, which was helped with ED medication. But orgasms are very hard to achieve, and the ED medication does not seem to make orgasms any easier to have. My girlfriend appreciates the erections, but I would also like to climax. This is very frustrating. Any advice?

Pills Inhibiting Lusty Loads

Tits and dicks both sag with age, which is why push-up bras and push-up pills were invented. And while ED meds do make it easier for a guy to get an erection, they can also make it more difficult for a guy to climax. Upside: You last longer. Downside: You may sometimes have sex without climaxing. Or you can shift your perspective and try to see this downside as a secret upside: Sometimes you get to enjoy sex without climaxing—and next time, when you do climax, you’ll blow a bigger load.


I am a bisexual man who’s active in the sex-positive community, and I love playing with couples. I was updating my Feeld profile to reflect this desire, but I realized there’s no consistent term for a male unicorn. So I listed “Male/Stag/Stallion/Minotaur/Pegasus,” various terms I’ve seen people use. WTF, it shouldn’t require a whole line in my profile to run through all the terms! As the person who famously crowdsourced “pegging,” I was hoping you could work your magic and get everyone to agree on a nonbinary term that works for all sexual identities.

Having One Reliable Name

What’s wrong with “unicorn”? Unicorns—the mythical beasts—can be female, male, or, I suppose, genderless or genderfluid. They can be anything we want them to be, HORN, since we made them up. And while the term first came into use to describe bi women who weren’t just open to having sex with an established, opposite-sex couple, but open to committing to a couple and forming a poly triad, there’s no reason men and/or nonbinary folks who are interested in the same—hooking up with and forming relationships with established couples—couldn’t identify as unicorns, too. But are you a unicorn? People began to call those bi women “unicorns” because they were hard to find, and everyone, it seemed, was looking for one. People interested in simply playing with couples aren’t anywhere near as hard to find.


I’ve recently begun to experiment with a few kinky friends. One of them is a voyeur who is super into bukkake. I’d be open to a group bukkake scene, but how do I avoid contracting an STI?

Anonymous Assistant

“On me, not in me” was a safe-sex message crafted in the earliest, darkest, most-terrifying days of the AIDS crisis—and a bukkake scene, which involves multiple men ejaculating on one person, is all about “on me,” which makes it relatively safe. So long as you’re careful not to get anyone’s come in your eyes (ocular gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia are all things) or on your hole(s), you won’t have anything to worry about.


Is there a regional difference between people who use the word “come” versus people who use “jizz”? I personally only use the word “come” and rarely hear anyone use “jizz.” Do people not use “jizz,” or do they just not use it where I live?

Seeking Pretty Unnecessary Niche Knowledge

I’ve seen maps that track regionalisms like “soda” versus “pop,” SPUNK, but I’ve never seen one tracking “come” versus “jizz.” Seems like something a sex-positive linguist might want to jump on.


I’m a 46-year-old man, and I recently met a 31-year-old woman. We have not had PIV sex yet, but we have enjoyed several nights of cuddling, spooning, etc. as the relationship progresses. She has made it very clear she wants our first time to be a fairy-tale evening, so we have yet to take things past mild foreplay. Plot twist: After two nights of us sleeping together, I realized she’s a sexsomniac. She had no idea until I told her, and she barely believes me. But if I put my arm around her to cuddle when she’s asleep, she immediately sexually responds to the skin-to-skin contact. On two occasions, she’s performed oral on me. I’m not complaining, as this is quite possibly every guy’s dream. My question is around consent when dealing with situations like this.

She’s My Dream Girl

Unless your new girlfriend gave you permission to initiate skin-to-skin contact in the middle of the night—unless she not only didn’t have a problem with the first blowjob you accidentally triggered but explicitly gave you the go-ahead to trigger more—you have already and repeatedly violated her consent. If she doesn’t want to do more than cuddle or spoon when she’s awake, you shouldn’t be manipulating her into blowing you when she’s asleep. Most people who are partnered with sexsomniacs prefer not to have sex with their partners when they’re unconscious, but some do—with their sexsomniac partner’s prior consent. It’s a gray area, because an unconscious person can’t offer meaningful, enthusiastic, ongoing consent. But unless there are details you’ve omitted—details like your partner saying, “I blew you in my sleep? Really! Neat! I’m happy to keep doing that!”—stop initiating skin-to-skin contact when she’s asleep, or stop pretending you care about consent. (You should care about consent, and you should stop.)


I’ve been seeing a guy. We’re not really “boyfriend and girlfriend,” and we’re not exclusive. Last night, him and my best friend and I were all hanging out in his bedroom. After a while, I went to sleep on the couch in the living room and left them in the bedroom. When I woke up, they were having sex. I had told them both it was OK for them to have sex with each other, but I didn’t expect them to do it when I was just in the other room.

Unwelcome Personal Surprise Enraging Totally

You’re not exclusive, UPSET, and you gave this guy and your best friend permission to fuck, and … they fucked. But you got something out of it, too: You learned an important lesson. Namely, no one can read your mind. If you give someone permission to do something with someone else sometime, and both those someones are sitting on a bed, you need to bring up any and all additional conditions before falling asleep on the couch in the next room.

On the Lovecast, when your twin brother is a white supremacist: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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I’m a straight white woman in my early 30s. In theory, I’ve always been into men of all races—but in practice, most of my exes are Latino and white.

In September, I met this really handsome Chinese-American guy, and I feel like he rewired me. I’ve been exclusively attracted to Asian guys since. I’m not writing to ask if this is racist, because I’m not asking these guys to, like, speak Korean to me in bed or do any role-playing stuff. We just date and have sex—same as my past relationships. But if any of these dudes saw my Tinder matches, they’d be like, “This woman has a thing for Asian guys.” Which I do, but it’s pretty new.

Is this normal? Do people just change preferences like that? Also, can you do a PSA about Asian dicks? In my recent but considerable experience, they run the gamut from average to gigantic. If small Asian dicks were a thing, I would have encountered at least one by now. That shit is a myth.

Asian Male/White Female

Here’s my general take on race-specific sexual preferences: So long as you can see and treat your sex partners as individuals and not just as objects—we are all also objects—and so long as you can express your preferences without coming across as and/or being a racist shitbag, and so long as you’ve interrogated your preferences to make sure they’re actually yours and not a mindless desire for what you’ve been told you’re supposed to want (i.e., the currently prevailing beauty standard or its equally mindless rejection, the “transgressive” fetishization of the “other”), then it’s OK to seek out sex and/or romantic partners of a particular race.

I ran my general take on race-specific sexual preferences past Joel Kim Booster—a writer and comedian whose work often touches on race and desire—and he approved. (Whew.) I also shared your letter with him, AMWF, and Booster had some thoughts for you.

“It doesn’t sound like her newfound preference for Asian men has anything to do with the uncomfortable fetishization of culture,” said Booster. “It’s good that she’s not asking them to speak Korean or do any sort of Asian role-playing—something that’s been asked of me before (and it’s a bummer, trust). Her interest in Asian men seems to be mostly an aesthetic thing, which you certainly can’t fault her for: There are a lot of hot Asian dudes out there.”

Booster also had some questions for you.

“It’s not uncommon for people later in life to discover that they’re attracted to something they’d never considered sexy before—full-grown adults are out here discovering they’re bi every damn day,” said Booster. “But she went 30 years before she saw one Asian man she was attracted to? And now this guy has ‘rewired’ her to be attracted only to Asian men?”

He said that he would like to see a picture of this magical guy, AMWF, and I would, too.

“If she was chill about it and just started adding Asian men into the mix, this wouldn’t seem like an issue,” added Booster. “But from what I can gather, she has shifted to exclusively fucking Asian guys and feels the need to write a letter about it. That feels like a red flag, and yet I can’t pinpoint why.”

Maybe you’re just making up for lost time—maybe you’re getting with all the Asian dick you can now to make up for all the Asian dick you missed out on before you ran into that one impossibly hot Asian guy—and your desires/preferences/Tinder profile will achieve a racially harmonious equilibrium at a certain point. But whether you remain exclusively attracted to Asian guys for the rest of your life or not, AMWF, make sure you don’t treat Asian guys like you’re doing them a favor by sitting on their gamut-running dicks.

“I’m weary of people with a specific racial preference for Asian men. And it’s less out of a fear of being fetishized—though that’s certainly part of it—and more because of the implicit power imbalance that exists in those relationships,” said Booster. “It’s all artificially constructed by The Culture, of course, but I’m acutely aware that society views Asian men as less masculine and therefore less desirable. And I’ve learned that guys who have a preference for Asian men sometimes bring a certain kind of ‘entitlement’ to our interactions, i.e., ‘You should feel lucky I’m paying you this kind of attention.’ And that’s gross! It doesn’t sound like she’s doing that, but something about this letter makes me feel like she wants to be congratulated for being woke enough to consider Asian guys. She’d do well to keep this stuff behind the curtain—no one wants to feel like someone was into them only because of some witch’s curse a hot Chinese-American guy put on them at a bar.”

Follow Joel on Twitter @ihatejoelkim, and visit his website ihatejoelkim.com.


I’m a guy. I’ve been with my wife since 2006. She’s my sexy Asian babe. (Yeah, I’m that white guy who married an Asian woman—I’m a stereotype, but she isn’t.) In the bedroom, it’s great. I’m still madly in love with her two kids later, and she’s as sexy as ever. But she doesn’t like to give blowjobs—always been this way. When we were dating, she’d say I could go get blowjobs from someone else, but I always took it as a joke.

At 35, I’m hornier than I was at 25. And my sexual tastes have changed over the years—or they’ve expanded, maybe, since I now want to see what it’s like to get head from a guy. How do I convince my wife to agree to this? She’s afraid I might like it; I obviously hope I do. There’s nothing I want more than to get head on the way home and then be able to tell her about it and fuck her later that night. How can I convince her to let me do this while also being able to tell her about it and be truthful?

Horny Married Man

I’m not lumping your question together with AMWF’s in order to create some sort of hot-for-Asians-themed column. No, I’m including your letter—which arrived the same day—because it illustrates a point Booster made in his response to AMWF: “Full-grown adults are out here discovering they’re bi every damn day,” as he said, and you’re apparently one of them.

I can only assume that by “she’s afraid I might like it,” you mean you’ve already asked the wife, and she said no. You can ask again—maybe she’ll change her mind—but if the answer is still no, HMM, then the answer is still no. Maybe if this were a sexual adventure you could go on together, it might be more appealing to the wife. And it is, because just as there are dudes out there who love blowing straight married men, there are dudes who are up for blowing straight married men in front of their wives. So if you haven’t already proposed doing this in the context of a hot sexual encounter with a bi guy who’d also be into your wife, maybe you should.

As for your label, there are straight guys out there who can close their eyes and think about women while dudes blow them, i.e., straight guys capable of making the mouth-is-a-mouth leap. But you’re turned on not just by the idea of getting an enthusiastic blowjob; you’re specifically into the idea of getting one from a dude. That does make you bi, HMM … but for marketing purposes? Yeah, you’re going to want to go with straight.

On the Lovecast: Musical-theater nerds rejoice, it’s Andrew Rannells! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage; ITMFA.org.

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I'm a gay guy in my late 40s with a straight sister in her early 50s. She’s been married for a bit more than two decades to a guy who always registered as a “possible” on my average-to-good gaydar. But I put “BIL,” aka my brother-in-law, in the “improbable” bucket, because he actively wooed my sister, was clearly in love with her, and fathered four boys with her, all in their late teens now.

I’m sure you already saw this plot development coming: It turns out BIL has been far more “probable” than I thought. He has a boyfriend but is still very much closeted and denies he is gay. My sister has apparently known about this arrangement for four years, but has kept it a secret for the kids’ sake. But she recently filed for divorce and told our parents and me what’s been going on. Their kids have been informed about the divorce, but not about their father’s boyfriend.

BIL needs to gay-man-up and admit the truth to himself and the rest of his family and start the healing process. That’s obvious. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can talk him into it (we’re not close), and my sister is left holding this terrible secret while her bewildered kids watch their parents’ marriage crumble with no clue why. I think the kids deserve the truth, and that neither my sister nor the kids can start to heal until that happens. If BIL won’t do the right thing, my sister is going to have to tell them the truth.

What can I do to help her with this? She’s awfully fragile right now, and I don’t want to pressure her. I can’t tell the kids without causing a big stink. But dammit, Dan, someone needs to start speaking some truth in that house.

Dishonest Gay Brother-In-Law

Secret second families—and a secret boyfriend of four years counts—aren’t secrets that keep. So your nephews are gonna find out about dad’s boyfriend sooner or later, DGBIL, and sooner is definitely better. Because in the absence of the actual reason why their parents are splitting up—in the absence of the truth—they’re likely to come up with alternate explanations that are far worse. And when they inevitably discover the real reason, your nephews’ anger at having been lied to or left in the dark will reopen the wounds.

Backing way the hell up: Seeing as BIL actively wooed and “was clearly in love with” your sister, and seeing as he successfully scrambled his DNA together with hers four times and remained married to her for two decades, DGBIL, I don’t think BIL is a closeted gay man. My money’s on closeted bisexual man.

I shall now say something that will delight my bisexual readers: I’m sure you’d like to live in a world where everyone is out, DGBIL, or, even better, a world where no one ever had to be in. But in the world we live in now, bisexuals are far less likely to be out than gays and lesbians, DGBIL, and the belief that a guy is either gay or straight keeps many bisexual guys closeted. Because if a bisexual guy who’s married to a woman knows he’s going to be seen as gay if he tells the truth—if no one will ever believe he loved his wife or wanted all those kids—he’s unlikely to ever come out. So you can’t fault BIL for not being out, DGBIL, when it’s attitudes like yours that keep bi guys closeted in the first place.

I shall now say something that will piss off my bisexual readers: A family-minded bi guy can have almost everything he wants—spouse, house, kids—without ever having to come out so long as that bi guy winds up with an opposite-sex partner. Coming out is a difficult conversation, and it’s one many bi people choose to avoid. And who can blame them? I wasn’t thrilled by the idea of telling my mom I put dicks in my mouth, but it was a conversation I couldn’t avoid. Faced with the choice between telling my mother the truth and possibly being rejected by her and thereby losing her, or cutting her out of my life in order to keep my secret and definitely losing her, I chose to tell her the truth. If I’d been, say, your average hetero-romantic bisexual man instead of a huge homo—if I enjoyed sex with men and women but only fell in love with women—I could’ve avoided coming out to her and very well might have.

Back to your nephews, DGBIL: They should be told the truth, but you shouldn’t be the one to tell them. Their parents should. Sit down with your sister, and make the argument I did above: Yes, your kids are upset about the divorce, and it will add to their upset to learn their father is in a relationship with a man. But they’re going to be angry about being lied to when they inevitably find out. And if she’s keeping this secret solely at BIL’s request, well, he can’t ask that of her if doing so will damage her relationship with her kids. I don’t think she should immediately out BIL, but she can and should let him know that she will need to tell the children if he doesn’t.

You should have a conversation with BIL. Open it by telling him that life is long; marriages are complicated; and you know he loved your sister. But to stick the dismount here—to end his marriage without destroying his relationship with his kids, he can’t hide from them. If he doesn’t want to tell his boys about his boyfriend because he fears he might lose them, DGBIL, then he’ll have to cut his kids out of his life—and that means losing them for sure.

And then butt the fuck out.


I’m a 24-year-old lesbian, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now. She’s incredible, but she isn’t completely out of the closet yet. I’ve been out since 2010. She’s only come out to a couple of her really close friends. I understand that everyone is different, and it takes some people longer than others, but I can’t help the fact that it hurts my feelings.

I don’t express this to her, because I don’t want to be the reason she does something she’s not ready to. But at the same time, it’s killing me, and she doesn’t even know it. We are compatible in every way possible: sexually, emotionally and spiritually. But I can’t help but feel she’s ashamed of me. I know that sounds selfish, but I want someone who will scream my name from the rooftop.

I bring her around all my friends, family and co-workers. She’s fully a part of my life, and I feel like I’m never going to be fully a part of hers. What do I do? Set a time limit? She makes me so fucking happy, but I’m starting to resent her for this, and I don’t want to feel that way. Your thoughts, please!

Being A Secret Hurts Every Day

Two thoughts …

1. Your girlfriend is keeping a secret from her family and friends, BASHED, and she has to hide you to protect that secret. You’re keeping a secret from your girlfriend: Being hidden, being treated like her dirtiest secret, is making you miserable. Tell her how you feel about being hidden—because she needs to know being hidden is making you miserable.

2. “Don’t date closet cases” is one of my rules for out folks, BASHED, but there are exceptions to every rule. If an out person meets someone on their way out or someone who, for good reasons, can’t come out this minute (they’re dependent on bigoted parents) or possibly ever (they live in a part of the world where it’s too dangerous to be out), an out person can date a closeted person. But dating someone who can be out and isn’t and has no plans to come out? They’re not dating you; they’re dragging you back into the closet. Just say no.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Johann Hari about the depression epidemic: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a recently divorced single mom and full-time student. I’m really beginning to hurt financially and have decided to start working as an escort. I am at a point of great emotional stability, happiness and confidence—all reasons that led to my decision—and I’m surrounded by people who love me and won’t judge me. (Not that I will be telling most of them.)

I’ve been seeing a man who I like, but I’ve made it clear that I am not committed to him and can see him only once a week. I’ve explained that I don’t think I can ever be monogamous, and I do not want a relationship. He has struggled with this and told me early on he was in love with me. We have AMAZING sex, and I think this causes him to have a hard time understanding why I don’t want a relationship.

I do not want to tell him I am escorting. I feel the fewer people who know, the better. And I don’t know him that well, as I have been “seeing” him for only six months. I know he would want to know, and a huge part of me feels that the right thing to do is be honest with him if I am going to continue seeing him. I also know that cutting him loose would hurt and confuse him, especially without being able to give him a reason.

How do I handle this? What is the right thing to do? My site goes live in three days, and what’s keeping me up at night is not how best to verify clients; it’s what to do about the man in my life whom I respect and love, even if I am not in love with him.

New To Escorting

Let’s set the escorting issue aside for a moment. You don’t want the same things (he wants monogamy and a defined relationship; you don’t want any of that shit); you don’t feel for him the way he feels for you (he’s in love;, you’re not); and you’re a busy single mom and full-time student—all perfectly valid reasons to end a relationship, NTE. You aren’t obligated to tell him that something you were thinking about doing but haven’t yet done, i.e., escorting, factored into your decision to cut him loose.

While I definitely think people have a right to know if their partners are escorts, I don’t think people have an absolute right to know if their partners were escorts. So if the sex is really good, and you think there’s a chance you could one day feel as strongly for him as he does for you, and you’re planning to escort only until you get your degree, NTE, you could tell him you want to take a break. Explain to him that you don’t have the bandwidth for a boyfriend just now—kid, school, work—but you’re open to dating him after you’re out of school if he’s still single and still interested.


I’m a 30-year-old single monogamist, and I recently realized I’m bisexual. I feel much happier—except I recently crossed a line with a very close friend of mine, a man I’ll admit to having some romantic feelings for.

After he broke up with his ex, I started getting random late-night text messages from him. And a couple weeks ago, we hooked up sans penetration. We acknowledged that we both have feelings, but neither of us is in a good place. He’s still dealing with the end of his LTR, and I am only just coming out as bisexual.

I love this person, and our friendship is important to me, but I can’t stop thinking of the possibility of us being together. I’m confused by the timing, and I wonder if this is real or just something I’ve allowed to distract me—or both! Also, what would this mean for my bisexuality? I’ve been to this rodeo before—meaning opposite-sex relationships—but what about the part of me I haven’t fully explored?

Between Every Thorn Solitude Yearns

You describe yourself as a monogamist—so, yeah, entering into a committed relationship with this man would prevent you from exploring your bisexuality. And the timing feels off: He may be on the rebound, and you’re still coming to terms with your bisexuality. So don’t enter into a committed relationship with him, BETSY, at least not yet. Date him casually, and keep hooking up with him, with the understanding—with the explicit and fully verbalized and mutually consented-to understanding—that you will be “exploring” your bisexuality, i.e., you’ll be getting out there and eating some pussy.


I’m a 37-year-old woman married for eight years to a wonderful man. We’re happy and GGG to the point where his kinks have become my kinks, and vice versa. However, he loves anal sex, and I cannot do it. No matter how much lube we use or how slowly we go, it’s not just uncomfortable—it’s red-hot-poker-in-my-ass painful. Can you give me any concrete, practical advice to get to a point where I can enjoy anal?

Also: Do some women actually enjoy anal? After my experiences, I find that really hard to believe.

Beyond Uncomfortable Tushy Trauma

If you’re still interested in exploring anal after all those red-hot-poker-in-your-ass painful experiences—and you are by no means obligated to explore any further—focus on anal stimulation, BUTT, not anal penetration. Try rimming; try a vibrator pressed against your anus (not shoved into it); try running his lubed-up dick up and down your crack (across your anus, not into your anus); and try all of these things during masturbation, vaginal penetration and oral sex. Having a few dozen orgasms—or a few hundred—while your anus’ sensitive nerve endings are pleasurably engaged could create a positive association between anal stimulation and sexual pleasure.

It’s going to take some time to create a positive association powerful enough to supplant the negative association you have now—an association with echoes of regicide (google “Edward II and red hot poker”)—so your husband shouldn’t expect to get his dick back into your butt anytime soon, if he ever will at all. Some people, for reasons physiological or psychological or both, just can’t experience pleasure during anal intercourse. If you’re one of those people, BUTT, your husband will just have to grieve and move on.

As for the other question: I find it hard to believe that a woman could possibly enjoy, say, a Donald Trump rally. But some women do, BUTT, and we have video to prove it. The same could be said about anal.


I am a 30-year-old hetero woman. Any ideas on how a person can build up to healthy intimate relationships again while recovering from trauma? I’m afraid in normal sexual situations. How can I get to a point where I can have sex for fun and not in a way where I’m triggering my fight-or-flight response? Yes, I am seeing a therapist.

Traumatic Experience Nullifying Sexual Energy

Here’s an idea, TENSE, but please run it by your therapist before giving it a try: Find a guy you like, and propose a different kind of friends-with-benefits arrangement. You will be in charge—you will do all the initiating—and while he can say no to anything you ask, he isn’t to ask for or initiate anything himself. You set the menu; you make the rules; you give the orders. He’ll need to be someone you trust, and it’ll help if he’s someone who thinks following orders is sexy—and trust me, TENSE, those guys are out there. You said that normal sexual situations aren’t working for you … maybe an abnormal one would?

On the Lovecast, what evangelical Christianity does to women: savagelovecast.com.

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Longtime Savage Love fanboy with a bit of a conundrum—and it’s your fault! I’m a bi man in my 30s. To use Charles M. Blow’s word, my bisexuality is “lopsided.” This means that I fall in love with women exclusively, but I love to have sex with men occasionally. My current girlfriend not only approves; she likes to join in.

We have a great kinky sex life, and at times, we invite a hot bi dude to join us. You keep saying that to counter bisexual erasure, it is the duty of every bisexual to come out of the closet. If I were a “proper” bisexual, i.e., romantically interested in men also, that would be no problem—my family and work and social circles are extremely liberal. However, your advice to us kinksters and people in open relationships is that we probably shouldn’t come out to our parents or colleagues, since when it comes to sex, it’s advisable to operate on a need-to-know basis. While I agree with this completely—my mother doesn’t need to know my girlfriend pegs me—the rule keeps me in the closet as well: Since I’m only sexually interested in men, wouldn’t I be revealing facts about my sex life if I came out as bi? I also wouldn’t want to mislead gay men into thinking that I’m available for romantic relationships with them.

So which rule is more important: the duty to come out as a bisexual, or the advice to operate on a need-to-know basis when it comes to your sex life?

Bisexual Leaning Out Warily

There’s nothing improper about your bisexuality, BLOW—or Charles M. Blow’s bisexuality, or the bisexuality of other “lopsided” bisexuals. While the idea that bisexuals are equally attracted to men and women sexually and romantically used to be pushed by a lot of bi activists (“I fall in love with people, not genitals!”), it didn’t reflect the lived/fucked/sucked experience of most bisexuals. Like you and Blow (hetero-romantic bisexuals), many bisexuals have a strong preference for either women or men as romantic partners. My recently “gay married” bisexual friend Eric, however, is one of those bi-romantic bisexuals.

This popular misconception—that bisexuals are indifferent to gender (and more highly evolved than all those genital-obsessed monosexuals)—left many people who were having sex with men and women feeling as if they didn’t have an identity: not straight, not gay, and disqualified from bi. But thanks to bisexuals like Blow coming out and owning their bisexuality and their lopsidedness, a more nuanced and inclusive understanding of bisexuality has taken root. That nuance is reflected in bisexual activist Robyn Ochs’ definition of bisexuality: “I call myself bisexual,” Ochs says, “because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted—romantically and/or sexually—to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Lopsided or not, BLOW, you’re a proper bisexual, and if you’re in a position to come out to your family and friends, you should. And rest assured, telling people you’re bi doesn’t mean you’re divulging details about your sex life. You’re disclosing your sexual orientation, not detailing your sexual practices. You can tell someone you’re attracted to men and women—at the same time, in your case, if not in the same way—without telling them about the hot bi dudes you and the girlfriend bed together. And if you and the girlfriend are perceived to be monogamous, and you want to keep it that way, you can allow people to continue to make that assumption.

Finally, BLOW, most gay men are aware that bi guys usually aren’t romantically interested in other men. And that’s fine—so long as hetero-romantic bi guys don’t mislead us, most gay men are down to fuck. (And gay men who won’t date homo-romantic or bi-romantic men? You guys are missing out. My friend Eric was a hot, hung, adventurous catch. Congrats, Christian!) And since you’re partnered and presumed to be monogamous, you’re also presumed to be unavailable. But if you’re worried a gay friend might hire a hit man to off the girlfriend so he can have a shot at your heart, come out to him as hetero-romantic at the same time you come out to him as bi.


Bi married man here. I was always out to my wife, but two months ago, I came out to our tight circle of friends. Everyone has been supportive, and I’m glad I took this step.

But on three different occasions, my wife’s best friend has loudly asked me whose cock I would most like to suck out of all the other guys at the party. My birthday is coming up, and I don’t want her there. My wife doesn’t want to offend her oldest friend, and she makes excuses like, “She was drunk,” or, “She was only joking.” I told my wife that I wouldn’t be coming to my own birthday party if her friend was invited, but she invited her anyway “by accident.” (She sent the invite via group text.) She doesn’t want to confront or disinvite her friend, because that would be awkward. What do we do?

Her Unthinking Buddy Bad Yucks

Here’s what you’re going to do, HUBBY: You’re going to ask your wife how she would feel if a friend of yours was sexually harassing her, and you made excuses for that friend (“He was drunk!”) and then “accidentally” invited that asshole to her birthday party. Then if she won’t call her friend and retract the invitation, you do it. It will be awkward, that’s for sure, but your wife’s friend shouldn’t be spared that awkwardness. Lord knows she made things awkward for you—don’t hesitate to return the favor.


I am a 23-year-old bisexual woman, and I have two questions for you: (1) Is it possible to fall in love differently with women than with men? I think I am bisexual, because I have been in love with some women, despite never getting past a kiss. What I find strange is that whereas with men I feel immediate attraction, with women, the attraction rises after a deep friendship is formed. (2) Is it possible that I was in love with two different people at the same time? I always thought that I could be in love with only one person at a time, but during that short span, I was in love with both a guy who made me suffer and my best friend, a woman, who helped me with that guy. After I found a new boyfriend, I stopped thinking about anyone else, because our relationship is closed. But I don’t know if that’s just because I avoid thinking about others or because I wasn’t really in love with the two people (despite my surprisingly real heartbreak).

Bisexual In Need And Inquiring Finally

1. See my response to BLOW, above.

2. A person can love more than one parent, more than one child, more than one sibling, more than one set of tit clamps, and more than one romantic partner. Telling people they can feel romantic love for only one person at a time isn’t just stupid; it’s harmful. Let’s say Bill is partnered with Ted, and Bill believes romantic attraction/love is a one-at-a-time phenomenon, because that’s what he was told. Now let’s say Bill develops a crush on Sandra. If Bill doesn’t question the one-at-a-time bullshit he was taught to believe about romantic love, Bill is highly likely to think, “Well, I must not be in love with Ted anymore; otherwise, I couldn’t feel this way about Sandra,” and then he may dump tried-and-true Ted for shiny-and-new Sandra.

I’m not arguing that everyone should be poly—most people want only one partner at a time, and that’s fine. But telling people they can’t experience romantic attraction or romantic love for more than one person at a time sets long-term relationships up for failure. Because while stable, lasting love feels amazing, it’s less intoxicating than shiny, new, cum-drunk love. And while almost all stable, lasting loves were shiny, new, cum-drunk loves early on, very few new loves become lasting loves. If we don’t want people tossing lasting love overboard every time they develop feelings for someone new, people need to know that, yes, you can be in love with two different people at the same time.

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I am a 24-year-old straight guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than four years. One of the reasons we broke up was a general lack of sexual compatibility. She had a particular aversion to oral sex—both giving and receiving. I didn’t get a blowjob the whole time we were together. Which brings me to why I am writing: One of my closest friends, “Sam,” is a gay guy. Shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, I was discussing my lack of oral sex with Sam, and he said he’d be willing to “help me out.” I agreed, and Sam gave me an earth-shattering blowjob. I was glad to get some and had no hang-ups about a guy sucking me.

Since then, Sam has blown me three more times. My problem is I am starting to feel guilty and worry I am using Sam. He’s a very good buddy, and I’m concerned this lopsided sexual arrangement might be bad for our friendship. Sam knows I am not into guys, and I’m never going to reciprocate, and I feel like this is probably not really fair to him. But these are literally the only blowjobs I’ve received since I was a teenager. What should I do?

Totally Have Reservations Over Advantage Taking

Only one person knows how Sam feels about this “lopsided sexual arrangement,” THROAT, and it isn’t me—it’s Sam.

Zooming out for a second: People constantly ask me how the person they’re fucking or fisting or flogging feels about all the fucking or fisting or flogging they’re doing. Guys ask me why a woman ghosted them, and women ask me if their boyfriend is secretly gay. And while I’m perfectly happy to speculate, I’m not a mind-reader. Which means I have no way of knowing for sure why that woman ghosted you or if your boyfriend is gay—or in your case, THROAT, how Sam feels about the four norecip blowjobs he’s given you.

Only Sam knows.

And that’s why I wrote you back, THROAT, and asked you for Sam’s contact information. Since you were clearly too afraid to ask Sam yourself (most likely over fear that the blowjobs would stop), I offered to ask Sam on your behalf. I wasn’t serious—it was my way of saying, “You should really ask Sam.” But you sent me Sam’s contact info, and a few minutes later, I was chatting with Sam.

“Yes, I have been sucking my straight friend’s cock,” Sam said to me. “And I am flattered he told you I was good at it. That’s an ego-booster!”

Sam, like THROAT, is 24 years old. He grew up on the East Coast and met THROAT early in his first year at college. Sam came out at the end of his freshman year, to THROAT and his other friends, and he now lives in a big city where he works in marketing when he isn’t sucking off THROAT.

My first question for Sam: Is he one of those gay guys who get off on “servicing” straight guys?

“I’ve never done anything with a straight guy before this,” said Sam. “So, no, I’m not someone who is ‘into servicing straight guys.’ I have only ever dated and hooked up with gay guys before!”

So why offer to blow THROAT?

“I didn’t know until after he broke up with his girlfriend that he hadn’t gotten a blowjob the whole time they were together—four years!” Sam said. “When I told him I’d be happy to help him out, I was joking. I swear I wasn’t making a pass at my straight friend! But there was this long pause, and then he got serious and said he’d be into it. I wondered for a minute if it would be weird for me to blow my friend, and there was definitely a bit of convincing each other that we were serious. When he started taking his clothes off, I thought, ‘So this is going to happen.’ It was not awkward after. We even started joking about it right away. I have sucked him off four more times since then.”

For those of you keeping score at home: Either THROAT lost count of the number of times Sam has blown him—THROAT said Sam has blown him three more times after that first blowjob—or THROAT got a fifth blowjob in the short amount of time that elapsed between sending me his letter and putting me in touch with Sam.

So does this lopsided sexual arrangement—blowing a straight boy who’s never going to blow him—bother Sam?

“I suppose it is a ‘lopsided sexual arrangement,’” said Sam. “But I don’t mind. I really like sucking dick, and I’m really enjoying sucking his dick. He has a really nice dick! And from my perspective, we’re both having fun. And, yes, I’ve jacked off thinking about it after each time I sucked him. I know—now—that he thinks it is a bit unfair to me. But I don’t feel that way at all.”

So there is something in it for Sam: You get the blowjobs, THROAT, and Sam gets the spank-bankable memories. And Sam assumes that at some point, memories are all he’ll have.

“He will eventually get into a relationship with a woman again, and our arrangement will end,” said Sam. “I only hope nothing is weird between us in the future because of what has happened in the past few weeks.”

I had one last question: Sam is really good at sucking cock—he gives “earth-shattering” blowjobs—but is THROAT any good at getting his cock sucked? As all experienced cocksuckers know, a person can suck at getting their cock sucked: They can just lay/stand/sit there, giving you no feedback, or be too pushy or not pushy enough, etc.

“That’s a really good question,” Sam said. “I have to say, he is very good at it. He really gets into it; he moans; he talks about how good it feels; and he lasts a long time. That’s part of what makes sucking his cock so much fun.”


I’m a straight guy in an LTR with a bi woman. We recently had a threesome with a bi male acquaintance. We made it clear that I’m not into guys and that she was going to be the center of attention. He said he was fine with this. A little bit into us hooking up, he said he wanted to suck my dick. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but my girlfriend encouraged it, because she thought it was hot. I ended up saying yes, but I stated that I didn’t want to reciprocate. A bit later, while my girlfriend was sucking his dick, he said he wanted me to join her. I said no; he kept badgering me to do it; I kept saying no; and then he physically tried to shove my head down toward his crotch. My girlfriend and I both got pissed and said he had to leave. Now he’s bitching to our mutual friends about how I had an insecure straight-boy freak-out; he didn’t get to come after we both got ours; we’re shitty selfish fetishists, and so on.

I’m concerned about what our friends think of me, but even more so, I’m concerned that I did a shitty thing. I get that maybe he was hoping I’d change my mind, especially after I changed my mind about him sucking my dick. But I don’t think it’s fair for him to be angry that I didn’t. Is oral reciprocation so necessary that it doesn’t matter that we agreed in advance that I would not be blowing him?

Not One To Be Inconsiderate

You did nothing wrong. And if after hearing your side of the story, NOTBI, your mutual friends side with a person who pressured you to do something you were clear about not wanting to do, and then, after you restated your opposition to performing said act, pressured you to perform the act—by physically forcing your head down to his cock—you can solve the “mutual friends” problem by cutting these so-called friends out of your life.

On the Lovecast, what makes a kinkster a kinkster?: savagelovecast.com.

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I am a 38-year-old gay man with a serious problem: My boyfriend of five years has developed a strange fascination. We’ve always watched porn together, but now he has been looking at straight porn and even lesbian porn (!!!) more and more often. More than once, he has expressed an interest in having a MMF threesome—and he’s a self-proclaimed gold-star gay! This week, I discovered he had hidden a Fleshlight from me. I could tell he had used it.

What is going on with him? On the other hand, we still have sex pretty frequently. He really gets off when I call his ass a “pussy,” which I’ll do to turn him on, but I find it pretty weird. He also tells me he gets off on the thought of the two of us fucking a woman together. This really seems bizarre!

Could my beautiful bottom boy be turning bi? If he is, I don’t know how we can handle it.

Guy Alarmed, Yeah, By Younger Boyfriend’s Interest

Turning bi? Unlikely.

Always was bi and only just realized it? Likelier.

Always was bi but identified as gay because (1) he prefers men as romantic partners, and (2) the biphobia he encountered in gay male spaces/bedrooms/buttholes convinced him to stay closeted, but he doesn’t want to live a lie anymore, and he’s done hiding from the man he loves, but instead of using his words and coming out to you like a grown-up, GAYBYBI, your boyfriend is letting you know he’s bi with his porn choices and a big push to make a MMF threesome sound like a sexy adventure you would both enjoy? Likeliest.

As for how to handle it, GAYBYBI, you’ll have to use your words: Ask your boyfriend if he’s bi. (Spoiler: He’s bi, bicurious, or so homoflexible he could tour with Cirque du Soleil.) If you’re not interested in having sex with women, tell him so. If being with you means he can never have sex with a woman, tell him so. And if you would never knowingly date a bi guy, tell him he deserves better.


A relationship question that doesn’t involve sex: Occasionally when two people live together, they bump into each other, or one may get in the way of the other. Is it reasonable to be put off if rather than simply hearing, “Excuse me,” when you are inadvertently in someone’s way, the person trying to gain access says, “Do you have to stand there?”

Just Seems Rude

People who are courteous to strangers (“Excuse me, can I squeeze past you?”) and contemptuous with intimate partners (“Do you have to stand there, you fucking dumbass?”) don’t value their partners and don’t deserve intimacy. People who are assholes to everyone don’t deserve intimacy either, of course, but they get points for being consistent.


I recently posted an online ad for a jack-off buddy. I got a response from a man who turned out to be a gorgeous, young Sri Lankan dude with a huge, beautiful uncut cock. Anyway, I was really looking forward to him jacking me off and vice versa. But when I arrived, he said he was only interested in me giving him a massage and then a handjob. Apparently, he’s a straight guy who wanted to experiment with men in a very limited way. Like I said, SUPER HOT, so I happily obliged. But after he came, I was really aching for release myself. But as I stated earlier, he made it clear he did not want to reciprocate.

After we were finished, he indicated that he might hit me up again. Do you think I should continue with the massage and “happy ending” in the hopes that he will someday feel comfortable enough to reciprocate? Or should I just go ahead and find myself another jack-off buddy?

Craving Uncut Masculine Sri Lankan

Another jack-off buddy? No, no. You mean an additional jack-off buddy.


I recently spent a wonderful weekend with a young woman from out of town who identifies as queer and poly. Being the curious guy I am, I had her explain what these things meant to her. She went on to say that she is considering changing from poly to nonmonogamous. I find this confusing. I’m certainly nonmonogamous, but I’ve never thought of myself as poly. What is the difference?

Confused Over Lines Inside Names

I would describe the difference as googleable, COLIN. But since you asked: A nonmonogamous person has sex with their partner and others; a poly person has or is open to having committed and concurrent romantic relationships. For one example: An ethically nonmonogamous woman fucks the boyfriend/husband she loves and other guys she doesn’t; a poly woman has two (or more) guys she both loves and fucks.


I have two complaints: one with the world, and one with you. My problem with the world is that it seems to think it is possible to embrace the rights of sex workers and still stigmatize the men who employ them. I am in a happy monogamish marriage, and I enjoy a very good, vanilla-but-bordering-on-tantric sex life with my wife. Early on, when we discussed how open our marriage should be, we decided it would be all right for me to see escorts several times a year. This gives me some sexual variety and keeps her from feeling threatened by my becoming emotionally involved with a third party. She is very mono and has no interest in going outside of the marriage for sex.

My quarrel with you has to do with your oft-repeated advice that people should break things off with partners who don’t perform oral sex. My wife doesn’t like to give head—and I really don’t like getting it from her, since she doesn’t like doing it. It is, however, one of the things on my list for my quarterly pro session. So I go down on her; she doesn’t go down on me, and I see escorts who do. And …

It Works For Us

In regards to your first complaint, IWFU, there are sex workers out there fighting for their rights and fighting the stigma against sex work—along with fighting prohibition, the Nordic Model, and SESTA (google it)—but you don’t see the men who employ them stepping up and joining the fight.

“(It’s time for) all of you clients out there (to) get off your duffs and fight,” as sex worker and sex-worker-rights advocate Maggie McNeill wrote on her blog. “Regular clients outnumber full-time whores by at least 60 to 1. Gentlemen, I suggest you rethink your current silence, unless you want to be the next one with your name and picture splashed across newspapers, TV screens, and websites.”

In regards to your second complaint, IWFU, it is true that I’ve said—on one or two occasions—that oral comes standard, and any model that arrives without oral should be returned to the lot. I’ve also said that you can’t be in an LTR without paying the price of admission, and I’ve said that a lot more often. If not getting oral at home is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with your wife, and if allowing you to get oral elsewhere is the price of admission she’s willing to pay to be with you, then Godspeed, IWFU, and tip the sex workers you patronize—and speak up to fight the stigma against doing sex work and hiring sex workers.

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I’m an 18-year-old female. I’m cisgender and bisexual. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my cisgender bisexual boyfriend for about a year.

I’m currently struggling with a lot of internalized biphobia and other hang-ups about my boyfriend’s sexuality. I don’t know if I’m projecting my own issues onto him or if I’m just being bigoted towards bi men, but either way, I feel truly awful about it. But when I think about the fact that he’s bi and is attracted to men, I become jealous and fearful that he will leave me for a man, or that he would rather be with a man. (I’ve been with men and women in the past; he’s never been with a man.) I know it is unfair of me to feel this way, and he’s never given me any real reason to fear this. We have a very engaged, kinky and rewarding sex life! But I worry I’m not what he really wants.

This situation is complicated by the near certainty that my boyfriend has some sort of hormonal disorder. He has a very young face for an 18-year-old, a feminine figure, and not a lot of body hair. He orgasms but he does not ejaculate; and although he has a sizable penis, his testicles are more like the size of grapes than eggs. He struggles a lot with feeling abnormal and un-masculine. I try to be as supportive as possible and tell him how attracted to him I am, and how he’ll get through whatever this is. But he can tell his bi-ness makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I think that because he appears more feminine than most men and is more often hit on by men than women, I worry that he would feel more comfortable or “normal” with a man.

I don’t want to contribute to him feeling abnormal or bad about himself. How do I stop worrying that he’s gay or would be happier with a man? I feel horrible about myself for these anxieties considering that I’m bi, too, and should know better.

Anonymous Nervous Girlfriend Seeks Tranquility

“Many people who encounter us Bi+ folk in the wild just project their insecurities onto us with impunity and then blame us for it,” said RJ Aguiar, a bisexual activist and content creator whose work has been featured on Buzzfeed, HuffPo, Queerty and other sites. “As someone who’s bi herself, I’m sure ANGST knows this all too well.”

So if you’ve been on the receiving end of biphobia—as almost all bisexual people have—why are you doing it to your bisexual boyfriend?

“This hypothetical so-and-so-is-going-to-leave-me-for-someone-hotter scenario could happen to anyone of any orientation,” said Aguiar. “But maybe because the potential ‘pool of applicants’ is over twice as big for us Bi+ folk, we get stuck with twice as much of this irrational fear? I don’t know. But here’s what I do know: Most Biphobia (and jealousy for that matter) is projected insecurity. Built into the fear that someone will leave you because they ‘like x or y better’ is the assumption that you yourself aren’t good enough.”

And while feelings of insecurity and jealousy can undermine a relationship, ANGST, they don’t have to. It all depends on how you address them when they arise.

“We all have our moments!” said Aguiar. “But we can turn these moments into opportunities for open communication and intimacy rather than moments of isolation and shame. That way, they end up bringing you closer, rather than driving this invisible wedge between you. The key is to understand that feelings aren’t always rational. But if we can share those feelings with the person we love without fear of judgment or reprisal, it can help create a space of comfort and intimacy that no piece of ass will ever be able to compete with—no matter how hot they are or what they may or may not have between their legs.”

As for the reasons you’re feeling insecure—your boyfriend might be gay and/or happier with a man—I’m not going to lie to you, ANGST: Your boyfriend could be gay (some people who aren’t bisexual identify as bi before coming out as gay or lesbian), and/or he could one day realize that he’d be happier with a man (just as you could one day realize that you’d be happier with a woman). But your wonderful sex life—your engaging, kinky, rewarding sex life—is pretty good evidence that your boyfriend isn’t gay. (I was one of those guys who identified as bi before coming out as gay, ANGST, and I had girlfriends—and the sex we had was far from wonderful.)

And now I’m going tell you something you no doubt already know: Very few people wind up spending their lives with the person they were dating at 18. You and your boyfriend are both in the process of figuring out who you are and what you want. It’s possible he’ll realize you’re not the person he wants to be with, ANGST, but it’s also possible you’ll realize he’s not the person you want to be with. Stop worrying about the next six or seven decades of your life—stop worrying about forever—and enjoy this time and this boy and this relationship for however long it lasts.

Finally, ANGST, on the off chance your boyfriend hasn’t spoken to a doctor about his symptoms—because he’s an uninsured/underinsured/unlucky American, or because he’s been too embarrassed to bring up the size of his balls and quality of ejaculations with his parents and/or doctor—I shared your letter with Dr. John Amory, professor of medicine at the University of Washington.

“An 18-year-old male with testicles the ‘size of grapes’ indicates an issue with testicular development,” said Dr. Amory. “The reduced testicular volume, in combination with the other features such as his feminine face and sparse body hair, also suggest an issue with testicular function.”

It could simply be delayed puberty—some people suddenly grow six inches when they get to college—or it could be something called Klinefelter syndrome.

“Klinefelter syndrome occurs in one out of every 500 males and is associated with small testicular volume and decreased testosterone,” said Dr. Amory. “This diagnosis is frequently missed because the penis is normal in size and the men are normal in most other ways, although about half of the men with Klinefelter syndrome (KS) can have breast enlargement (gynecomastia) that can be seen as feminizing. Bottom line: Small testes at age 18 means it’s time for a doctor’s visit—probably an endocrinologist or urologist—to take a family history, do an examination, and consider measurement of testosterone and some other hormones. This should help him understand if he ‘just needs to wait’ or if he has a diagnosis that could be treated. There is a real possibility that he has KS, which is usually treated with testosterone to improve muscle mass, bone density and sexual function.”

Follow RJ Aguiar on Twitter @rj4gui4r.


I’m a 27-year-old woman whose boyfriend recently broke up with her. Along with the usual feelings of grief and heartbreak, I’m feeling a lot of guilt about how I handled our sex life, which was one of the main issues in our breakup. My now ex-boyfriend was interested in BDSM and a kink-oriented lifestyle, and I experimented with that for him. I attended several play parties, went to a five-day-long kink camp with him, and tried out many of his BDSM fantasies. The problem became that, hard as I tried, I just wasn’t very interested in that lifestyle, and parts of it made me very uncomfortable. I was game to do the lighter stuff (spanking, bondage), but just couldn’t get behind the more extreme things. I disappointed him because I “went along with it” only to decide I wasn’t into it, and I unfairly represented my interest in his lifestyle.

Did I do something wrong? What should I have done?

Basically A Little Kinky

All you’re guilty of doing, BALK, is exactly what kinksters everywhere hope their vanilla partners will do. You gave it a try—you were good, giving and game enough to explore BDSM with and for him—and sometimes that works, e.g. someone who always thought of themselves as vanilla goes to a play party or a five-day-long kink camp and suddenly realizes, hey, I’m pretty kinky, too! But it doesn’t always work. Since the alternative to “went along with it” was “never gave it a chance,” BALK, your ex-boyfriend should be giving you credit for trying, not grief for supposedly misleading him.

On the Lovecast: Dan chats with rival advice columnist Roxane Gay: savagelovecast.com.

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I married my high-school sweetheart at 17; we had a baby and were together a few years; mental illness and subsequent infidelity led to things ending. My ex-husband remarried, divorced again, and is now in another LTR. I’m in an LTR for a decade with my current partner (CP); we have a few kids, and I’m so in love with him that it terrifies me.

My ex frequently makes sexual remarks to me—low-key flirts. I feel an animal attraction in the moment. Whatever. I don’t want to be with him; my relationship with CP is solid AF, and I get amazing fucking at home from a man far more skilled. CP knows about ex-husband’s remarks and one actual physical advance. CP has offered to talk to my ex. I told him nah, I’ll deal with it and make it stop. I talked to my ex-husband today, and he said: “I’m sorry; it’s just teasing, I won’t make an actual move ever again, but you’re the only woman I ever just look at and get immediately hard for, and it’s only a few more years before our kid is fully grown and we don’t see each other anymore. So humor me, because you know we both enjoy it.” And it’s true that I do enjoy it. But how harmful is it to engage in flirty banter without any touching, nudity or worse?

I hate having secrets, as I feel they are barriers to intimacy, but I’m a 30-something mom and it is so fucking unbearably sexy to be made to feel so desirable even after all that shit between us, and it’ll never, ever happen because hell no am I sleeping with my ex-hubby, but knowing this man will never get a whiff of my pussy again but can’t help but beg for it with his eyes gives me a sense of power like I’ve never fucking felt before—but even so, I don’t want to be a terrible person for hiding this from my CP, because I don’t like having secrets from him, but this is just one that turns me on to no end, but I should nip this in the bud and put a stop to it yesterday because it’s wrong, right?

Secret Longings Utterly Titillating

I love a good run-on sentence—grammar fetishists are going to get off on diagramming that doozy you closed with—so I’m going to give it a shot, too: I don’t see the harm in enjoying your ex-husband’s flirtations so long as you’re certain you’ll never, ever take him up on his standing offer, but you are playing with fire here, SLUT, so pull on a pair of asbestos panties when you know you’ll be seeing your ex-hubby, and I don’t think you should feel bad about this secret, because while honesty is great generally, and while the keeping of secrets is frowned upon by advice professionals reflexively, SLUT, a little mystery, a little distance, a little erotic autonomy keeps our sex lives with long-term partners hot—even monogamous relationships—so instead of seeing this secret as a barrier to intimacy, SLUT, remind yourself that the erotic charge you get from your ex-hubby—the way he makes you feel desirable—benefits your CP, because he’s the one who will be getting a big, fat whiff of your pussy when you get home, and there’s nothing wrong with that, right?


I’ve been with my girlfriend “J” for two years. Her best friend “M” is a gay man she’s known since high school. M and I have hung out many times. He seems cool, but lately, I’ve been wondering if he and J are fucking behind my back. For starters, J and I rarely have sex anymore. Even a kiss on the cheek happens less than once a week. Meanwhile, J’s Facebook feed has pictures of M grabbing her tits outside of a gay club in front of her sister. She told me he’s spent the night in her room, even though he lives only a few miles away. I’ve also recently found out that although M has a strong preference for men, he considers himself bisexual.

I understand that everyone loves tits, even if they’re not turned on by them, and gay men can sleep with a girl and actually just … sleep. I also know that her antidepressants can kill sex drive. All three things at once feel like more than just coincidence, though. At the very least, the PDAs seem disrespectful. At worst, I’m a blind fool who’s been replaced. Am I insecure, or is there something to these worries?

You Pick The Acronym I Gotta Get To Work

Your girlfriend’s best friend isn’t gay, YPTAIGGTW; he’s bisexual—so, yeah, it’s entirely possible M is fucking your girlfriend, since fucking girls is something bisexual guys do, and, according to one study, they’re better at it. (Australian women who had been with both bi and straight guys ranked their bi male partners as more attentive lovers, more emotionally available, and better dads, according to the results of a study published in 2016.)

While we can’t know for sure whether M is fucking J, YPTAIGGTW, we do know who she isn’t fucking: you. If the sex is rare, and a kiss—on the cheek—is a once-a-week occurrence, it’s time to pull the plug. Yes, antidepressants can be a libido-killer. They can also be a dodge. If your girlfriend doesn’t regard the lack of sex as a problem and isn’t working on a fix—if she’s prioritizing partying with her bisexual bestie over talking to her doc and adjusting her meds, if she hasn’t offered you some sort of accommodation/outlet/work-around for the lack of sex—trust your gut, and get out.


I’m a recently divorced woman with a high libido. Now that I’m single, I’ve come out as a kinkster. I quickly met someone who swept me off my feet—smart, funny, sexy, proudly pervy and experienced in the BDSM scene—and soon, he declared himself as my Dom, and I assumed the sub role. This was hot as hell at first. I loved taking his orders, knowing how much my subservience pleased him, and surprising myself with just how much pain and humiliation I could take.

However, his fantasies quickly took a darker turn. When I say I’m uncomfortable with the extremely transgressive territory he wants to explore, he says, “I’m your master, and you take my orders.” I think this is shitty form—the bottom should always set the limits. When we’re in play, he says that I chose him as my top precisely because I wanted to see how far I could go, and that it’s his job to push me out of my comfort zone. I think he’s twisting my words. Arguing over limits mid-scene makes us both frustrated and angry. I’m not in any physical danger, but his requests (if carried out) could ruin some of my existing relationships.

Did I blow it by not giving him a list of my hard limits in advance of becoming his sub? Or is he just a shitty, inconsiderate top trying to take advantage of a novice? After play, he checks in to see if I’m OK, which on the surface looks like great form—aftercare and all—but this also feels manipulative.

How can I pull things back to where I’m comfortable? Do I run from the scene—or just this guy?

Tired Of Overreaching From A Shitty Top

A top who reopens negotiations about limits and what’s on the BDSM menu during a scene—a time when the sub will feel tremendous pressure to, well, submit—is not a top you can trust. The same goes for a top who makes demands that, if obeyed, could ruin their sub’s relationships with family, friends, other partners, etc.

Run from this guy, TOOFAST, but not from the scene. There are better tops out there. Go find one.

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