CVIndependent

Fri06052020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

I’m a 30-year-old bi male. I’ve been with my wife for five years, and we’ve been married nine months.

A month into our relationship, I let her know that watching partners with other men has always been something I wanted, and that sharing this had caused all my previous relationships to collapse. Her reaction was the opposite of what I was used to: She said she respected my kink, and we both agreed we wanted to solidify our relationship before venturing down the cuckold road. Fast-forward a couple of years, and we are in a healthy relationship, living together, regularly visiting sex clubs (though playing only with each other), and beginning to add some cuckold dirty talk to our sex play. Then after I proposed, we got busy … with wedding plans. Sex and experimentation were set aside. Once we got married, we started … looking for a house. Sex again took a back seat.

Life has settled down now, and when I bring up my desire to see her with other men, she tells me she’s willing, but the conversation quickly ends. I have suggested making profiles on various websites, but it doesn’t happen.

Am I doing something wrong? I fear that saying, “Let’s make a profile right now,” is pushy, and I absolutely do NOT want to be the whiny, pushy husband. Any advice you might have would be amazing.

Wannabe Cuckold Growing Frustrated

So you don’t want to be pushy where the wife is concerned, WCGF—but you’ll send me the same e-mail a half-dozen times in less than a week.

Look, WCGF, some people mean it when they say, “We can have threesomes/go to BDSM parties/try cuckolding once our relationship is solid.” But some people don’t mean it. They tell their kinky and/or nonmonogamous partner what they want to hear in the hopes that after the wedding and the house and the kids, their husband and the father of their children (or their wife and the mother of their children) isn’t going to leave them over something as “trivial” as a threesome, a public spanking or cuckolding. Complicating matters further: Some people say it and mean it and then change their mind.

To figure out what’s going on (and to figure out whether you’re doing something wrong), you’re going to need to risk being a little pushy—not about putting up a profile, but about having a conversation. You’re ready for this to happen; she tells you she is willing, but nothing ever happens. If she does want it to happen, what steps can you take together to make it happen? If she doesn’t want it to happen—if she never wanted it to happen—you need her to level with you.

Remember, WCGF, she’s the one being asked to take the risks here—it’s her picture you want to put on a profile, not yours; she’s the one who’s going to potentially be meeting up with strangers for sex, not you; she’s the one who is risking exposure to STIs, not you. (Although you could wind up exposed, too, of course. But just because you’re comfortable with that risk doesn’t mean she is.) She also might worry that you’re going to want her to fuck other guys way more often than she’s comfortable with. There are a lot of solid reasons why she might have developed cold feet, and by addressing her concerns constructively—no face pics, no strangers, no cream pies, it can be a very occasional thing—you might make some progress.

But if it turns out this isn’t something she wants to do—because she never did or because she changed her mind—then you have to decide whether going without being cuckolded is a price of admission you’re willing to pay to stay in this marriage.


I did one of the things you always say is bad, immature and hurtful: I was a jerk to my girlfriend for weeks, because I wanted her to break up with me. I know it was cowardly. I think she is a great woman, but I just wasn’t into the relationship, and I let it go longer than I should have. I felt terrible that she loved me and I didn’t love her back, and I didn’t want to hurt her.

My question is this: Why do you think sabotaging a relationship in this way is so bad? I’m glad she hates me now. She can feel anger instead of sadness. I didn’t want to be a “great guy” who did the right thing when the relationship needed to end. I want her to think I’m awful so she can move on with her life. If I said all the right things, that makes me more attractive and a loss. I’ve had women do that to me—break up with me the “right” way—and I respected them more and felt more in love with them and missed them more. I still think about them, because they were so kind and respectful when they dumped me. I prefer the relationships I’ve had that ended with hatred, because at least I knew we weren’t good for each other, and the end was no skin off my back.

Isn’t it better this way? (I’ve got no sign-off that creates a clever acronym. Make one up if you want to publish my letter.)

Annoying Shittiness Should Help Outraged Lovers Escape

I did what I could with your sign-off.

Being a jerk to someone you’re not interested in seeing anymore in the hopes that they’ll dump you is never OK. It’s certainly not a favor you’re doing them, ASSHOLE, if for no other reason than they’re unlikely to call it quits at the first sign of your assholery. When someone’s actions (jerkishness, assholery) conflict with their words (“I love you, too, sweetheart”), the person on the receiving end of crazy-making mixed messages rarely bolts immediately. They seek reassurance. They ask the person who’s being an asshole to them if they’re still good, if everything’s OK, if they’re still in love.

And those aren’t questions the person being an asshole can answer honestly, ASSHOLE, because honest answers would end the relationship. And that’s not how the asshole wants it, right? The asshole doesn’t want to honestly end things themselves; the asshole wants to dishonestly (and dishonorably) force the other person to end the relationship. So the asshole says we’re good; everything’s OK; I still love you, etc., and then dials the assholery up a little more.

Does the other person bolt then? Nope. The other person asks all those same questions again; the asshole offers up the same lying assurances; and the other person asks again and is fed more lies. This sometimes goes on for years before the person being emotionally abused by a lying asshole decides they can’t take it anymore and ends the relationship—often over the objections of the person who wanted out all along!

Gaslighting isn’t a term I throw around often or loosely, ASSHOLE, but what you describe doing—and what you’re attempting to rationalize as a gift of some sort—may be the most common form of gaslighting. Nothing about being gaslighted in this manner makes it easier to bounce back after a relationship ends. It makes it harder. Yeah, yeah, your ex “gets” to be mad at you, but she’s going to have a much harder time trusting anyone after dating you, because your assholery will likely cause her to doubt her own judgment. (“This new guy says he loves me, but the last guy—that fucking asshole—said he loved me, over and over again, and it was a lie. What if this guy is lying to me, too?”)

These brand-new insecurities, a parting gift from you, may cause her to end or sabotage relationships that could have been great. As for your worry that a person may wind up carrying a torch for an ex who ends things with kindness and respect: Well, torches have a way of burning out over time, and it’s even possible to will yourself to set a torch down, and walk away from it. But the kind of emotional damage done by actions like yours, ASSHOLE? That shit can last a lifetime.

On the Lovecast, erotic hypnosis with Michal Daveed: savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love Live stormed into Revolution Hall in Portland, Ore. Comedian Corina Lucas absolutely killed it before our sold-out crowd; singer-songwriter Elisabeth Pixley-Fink performed an amazing set; and two lovely couples competed in our first (and most likely last) Mama Bird Cupcake Eating Contest.

I wasn’t able to get to all of the audience-submitted questions, so I’m going to power through as many as I can in this week’s column.

How do you handle it if your partner constantly apologizes during sex? “Sorry, sorry, sorry …”

With sensitivity tact, and compassion—and if none of that shit works, try duct tape.

Should I continue to have casual sex with someone I’m in love with?

If it’s casual for them and not casual for you, and they’ve made it clear it will never be anything other than casual for them, you’re going to get hurt—which I suspect you know. Now, if you think the pain of going without sex with them will be greater than the pain you’ll feel when they inevitably meet someone else and move on, by all means, keep fucking them. (Spoiler: the pain of the latter > the pain of the former.)

Best tricks for a quick female orgasm and how to keep yourself from overthinking it?

My female friends swear by a little legal weed, where available (or a little illegal weed, where necessary), and a nice, big, powerful vibrator.

My five-year relationship ended abruptly. Is there a time frame for getting over it?

Studies vary. Some have found it takes the average person 11 weeks; some have found it takes half the length of the relationship itself; some have found it takes longer if it was a marriage that ended. But don’t wait until you’re completely over it to get out there—because getting out there can help you get over it.

Besides a fiber-rich diet, what are your tips for a newbie to anal play? Size is a BIG factor, and it’s creating a HUGE mental block whenever anything goes near my hole.

Start small, e.g., lubed-up fingers and small toys. And don’t graduate from tongues/fingers/toys to someone’s big ol’ dick in a single session. Start small, and stay small until your hole’s dread at the thought of taking something HUGE is replaced by a sincerely held, quasi-religious belief in the absolute necessity of taking something huge.

What is the formula for getting comfortable farting in front of a partner?

Same as comedy: tragedy + time.

In the era of online dating, how do you navigate the people who think the grass will always be greener and have difficulty committing to truly building a relationship?

The expression “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” has its roots in a Latin proverb first translated into English in 1545—which means the sentiment predates dating apps by, oh, roughly half a millennium. But the “paradox of choice,” or the idea that people have a hard time choosing when presented with too many options, has certainly complicated modern dating. But too many options beats too few, in my opinion, and it certainly beats no options at all, e.g., deserted islands, compulsory heterosexuality, unhappy arranged marriages, etc.

Any advice for a 22-year-old woman who meets only sad boys who need a mom?

Your handwriting is such that I thought you wrote “sub boys,” and I was going to respond, “Enjoy.” But then I reread your question: sad boys, not sub boys. OK, if you’re meeting only one type of person, or all the people you’re meeting have a certain character flaw, either you’re seeking that type of person out—consciously or subconsciously—or you’re projecting your own shit onto that person. This is a case where the best people to ask for a gut/reality check are your actual friends, not your friendly sex-advice columnist.

How good are cock rings? I tried a stretch-rubber one, and it was just uncomfortable. Is it worth more time and research?

Cock rings are made from all sorts of different materials, and it’s important to find the material (rubber, metal, leather) and fit (snug but not too tight) that works for you. I definitely think you should experiment a bit before giving up—cock rings are great. And, hey, did you know there’s a Wiki page with a lot of good info about cock rings?

Will you be my sperm donor?

Well, that depends. Are you male, between the ages of 25 and 55, and (my entirely subjective notion about what is) hot? Then sure!

My partner wants me to move in with him and have kids. He also wants an open relationship and to be able to father children for other women if they choose to be single moms. I’m not comfortable with that. How can I express this without blocking him from getting what he wants?

By not moving in with him, by not having kids with him, and by not continuing to partner with him.

Why wasn’t semen designed to stay in a woman’s vagina? It always makes a terrible mess. I hate waiting for it to leak out of me.

I wasn’t around when semen and vaginas were designed—I’m old, but not that old—and I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a designer. I’m also guessing leakage wasn’t a problem until our ancestors began walking upright about 4 million years ago.

My mother-in-law had episodes of amnesia after orgasm in her 50s. Have you heard of this? WILL IT HAPPEN TO ME?

I have not! I HAVE NO IDEA! I have also googled this for you, and—holy shit—it’s a thing, and it has a name: transient global amnesia (TGA). Apparently, any form of strenuous exercise can trigger TGA. So don’t fuck; don’t run; don’t bike! Just sit still and you’ll be fine!

What do you think is the most needed focus of left activism in the United States today?

Most needed: defeating Trump and combating climate change. Most prevalent: relitigating the 2016 Democratic primary.

My mom finishes every call with, “God bless you.” I’m not a believer, but it’s not something we could ever talk about. I usually ignore it; sometimes I say it back; but it’s always awkward. What should I do?

You should sneeze.

Thanks to everyone who came out to Savage Love Live in Portland! Savage Love Live is coming to Seattle, Denver, San Francisco (with Stormy Daniels!), Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis (also with Stormy Daniels!), Toronto and Somerville. For more info and tickets, go to savagelovecast.com/events.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with comedian Kate Willett: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a 30-something straight woman married for 16 years. Eighteen months ago, I met a man, and there was an immediate attraction. For the first 15 months of our relationship, I was his primary sexual and intimate partner, as both sex and intimacy were lacking in his marriage. (My husband knew of the relationship from the start and is accepting, for the most part.) After my lover’s wife found out about me, she suddenly became very responsive to my lover’s sexual and emotional needs. My lover has told his wife that he will not let me go. He has also told me that he is not willing to let his wife go. She isn’t happy about being in a triad relationship, but she allows him to continue seeing me with limitations.

I am no longer his primary sex partner, and I have been relegated to the back seat. He claims to love us both, yet his wife and I both struggle knowing the other exists. Recently while out shopping, my lover asked me to help him pick out a Christmas gift for his wife. I got upset, because I am in love with him, and I have made him my priority (over my husband), but I am not his priority.

I love this man, and we feel we are soul mates. My lover has said that if we fall apart, he will have to find a new secondary partner, because his wife can never give him the soulful fulfillment he needs. Should I continue in this relationship?

Soul Mate Avoids Choice Knowingly

You complain about being relegated to the back seat, SMACK, but it’s your husband whose existence only comes up in parenthetical asides. You also describe this relationship as a triad when there are four people involved (you, your lover, your lover’s wife and your husband), which technically makes this a quad. And from the sound of things, only one member of this messy quad seems happy—your lover, the guy who refuses to make you a “priority” over his wife.

While you’ve convinced yourself that your lover feels as strongly for you as you do for him—“we feel we are soul mates”—it kindasorta sounds to me like you may be projecting, SMACK. Because in addition to asking you to pick out Christmas gifts for his wife, your lover and alleged soul mate regards you as expendable and replaceable. And he’s told you as much: He intends to “find a new secondary partner” if you two part, because his wife doesn’t “give him the soulful fulfillment he needs.” That’s not how people talk about their soul mates, and it’s certainly not something a guy says to someone he regards as his soul mate. Soul mates are typically told they’re special and irreplaceable, but your guy sees you as one of many potential seconds out there, and therefore utterly replaceable.

Here’s what you ought to do: You aren’t interested in being your lover’s secondary partner (nor are you much interested in being your husband’s wife), so you’ll have to call your lover’s bluff. The only card you have to play—and it’s a weak hand (all hands with just one card are)—is to dump your lover unless he leaves his wife for you. Success rests on the outside chance your lover was bluffing when he said he’d replace you, but I suppose it’s possible he regards you as the irreplaceable one, and only said those hurtful things to make you think he wouldn’t choose you when you are the one he would’ve chosen all along. If it turns out that this was the case, SMACK, you’ll wind up with your soul mate … who happens to be kindasorta cruel and manipulative.

Calling your lover’s bluff—ending a relationship that, in its current form, brings you no joy—is your only hope of having this guy to yourself. But the likelier outcome is that you’ll be left alone (with, um, your husband).


My boyfriend and I met at a bondage party a year ago. He’s not into bondage. (He tagged along with a kinky friend.) We hit it off in the chill-out room and started seeing each other. He told me it was OK for me to keep going to bondage parties and seeing some guys I play with one-on-one. Then right after we moved in together, he said he doesn’t want me playing with anyone else, because we are in love. Which means I can’t get tied up at all anymore, because he has zero interest in bondage. He can’t see why I’m upset, and I’m not sure what to do.

Boy In New Drama

So now that you’re in love, and now that you’ve signed a lease, and now that you’re trapped, BIND, now—NOW—your vanilla boyfriend yanks back the accommodation that convinced you to date him in the first place? There’s only one thing you can do: DTMFA.


I am 30 and male, and I have been with my girlfriend for five years. For a slew of reasons (we have almost no interests/hobbies in common; our personalities are completely different; we aren’t sexually compatible), I have decided to end it. She’s a good, smart, well-educated person for whom I wish only the best.

I’m thinking of breaking up with her sometime this week—or halfway through next year. I know you believe someone should tell a partner about these sorts of feelings ASAP to avoid robbing them of time they could have spent fixing the situation or moving on, but something inside me tells me that my case is different. My girlfriend is a graduate student in a non-tech/STEM field (read: hard-to-find jobs) and has a decent amount of school debt. We also have a dog. We live in a city where the rents are high, and it’s harder to find a place that will allow dogs. (She will definitely be taking the dog.) The thing is, she would almost certainly want to move out immediately if we broke up. I’m worried that if she tried to absorb the financial hit of a breakup, it might torpedo her education and life plans.

I am at a loss for what to do. She’s leaving in a week to visit her family for a month. Should I dump her before then so she can lean on them? Should I wait until she graduates but dodge questions about where I’m willing to move if she gets a job offer somewhere else?

Deciding Ultimately Means Pain

As a general rule, one should never drag out an inevitable breakup. We should break up with people promptly to spare our exes the humiliation of thinking back over the last few months or (God forbid!) the last few years and recalling every painfully ambiguous or deceitfully upbeat conversation about Our Shared Future. Another good reason to break up with someone promptly: A person (not the person) your ex could spend the rest of their life with might cross their path two months from now—and if they’re still with you then or still reeling from a very recent breakup, they won’t say yes (old-fashioned) or swipe right (newfangled).

But there are exceptions to every rule, DUMP, and I think your case qualifies. As with many exceptions to many rules, your exception honors the spirit of the rule itself. Both reasons I cite for breaking up with someone promptly—to spare your soon-to-be ex’s feelings, to get out of the way of your soon-to-be ex’s future—are about being considerate of your soon-to-be ex. And that’s just what you’re doing: You want to end this relationship now, but you’re going to wait six months, because you don’t want to derail your soon-to-be-ex girlfriend’s education or career prospects. So out of consideration for her, DUMP, you should coast for a bit longer.

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