CVIndependent

Sat07042020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

I’m 20, straight, male, fit and active. I masturbated prone—flat on my stomach—for years. I’ve now changed to a more-traditional position (on my back or sitting upright), and I’m using my hand rather than grinding against a mattress. I can easily orgasm when I masturbate. I’ve had sex four times in my life, and I’m worried because I wasn’t able to orgasm by someone else’s hand, through oral, or during penetration. I felt more sensation with oral or by hand than I did during intercourse, but I wasn’t able to get off.

This is extremely worrying, and I am increasingly depressed. Am I broken? Is my sex life ruined?

Boy Reeling Over Kaput Equipment

You’re not broken, BROKE, and your partnered sex life, which has barely begun, isn’t ruined. Even if you’re never able to come by someone else’s hand, mouth, twat or ass—and that’s the worst-case scenario here—you can still have a rewarding and pleasurable sex life.

In the short run, BROKE, you need to be honest with your sex partners about the way your cock currently works. Let them know you’re going to be mixing some manual self-stimulation in with the vaginal/oral/anal penetration. In other words, at some point, you’re going to pull out of whatever you’re in; you’re going to jerk it until you reach the point of “orgasmic inevitability” (OI), aka that split second between the start of orgasmic contractions and the good stuff spurting out; and then you’re going to put it back in. Since most women need to mix direct clitoral stimulation with penetration (or use direct stimulation in place of penetration) in order to get off—before, during, after, or instead of intercourse—your honesty about what you actually need to get off will signal to your female partners that they can be honest with you about what they actually need to get off.

Backing way the hell up: The way you used to masturbate—prone—is likely the reason you’re having difficulty climaxing now. But lots of men who masturbated in more “traditional positions”—e.g., on their backs, sitting up, standing up, etc.—have trouble transitioning to partnered sex from solo sex. The inside of a mouth, vagina or butt doesn’t feel like your own hand (or a long-suffering mattress, in your case), and even someone else’s hand doesn’t feel the same as your own. While the excitement of partnered sex helps most guys get over the hump, for many men, it takes time and a little experimentation for their cocks to adapt. But men who engaged in “atypical masturbatory behaviors” as boys—and prone masturbation/humping a mattress counts—frequently have a harder transition to partnered sex.

There’s a name for what you’re experiencing: delayed ejaculation. And while delayed ejaculation can be frustrating, the opposite problem—premature ejaculation—is more frustrating and harder to work around. (I get a lot more letters from guys in despair because they come too quickly and too easily than I do from guys like you, BROKE, who take too long.) Really, when you look at it from a different angle, your problem—being able to last forever—is really kind of a superpower. Because let’s say you fuck some lucky woman for ages, and she gets off again and again because someone—you, her, a third—is stimulating her clit at the same time. Once she’s satisfied (or shortly before she’s satisfied), BROKE, you can pull out, jack yourself to OI, then put your cock back inside her and blow that load or take the condom off and blow your load—with her consent, of course—all over her ass or tits or stomach or Toyota Corolla or whatever.

But for your partner to feel like this is your superpower, and she totally lucked out when she met you, BROKE, you can’t leave her in the dark about the way your dick works. If you don’t let your partner know you need to stroke yourself a little right before you come, she’s likely to interpret your staying power (your superpower) as a sign you aren’t attracted to her.

Now here’s how you might be able to fix this in the long run, BROKE: When you’re masturbating, you should … well, you should do what you’re doing. Masturbate while sitting up or lying on your back; use your hand and a little lube, but do it with a much lighter touch/grip; and maybe invest in a quality (read: silicone) masturbation sleeve. Don’t use the death grip—don’t squeeze the life out of your dick—as that will make things worse. And while cutting back on porn and using your imagination instead is fine, the real goal is to re-train your cock to respond to subtler sensations. Which brings us to the hardest part: If you can’t come after masturbating for 10, 20 or 30 minutes—using that light touch/grip, a little lube, and maybe that sleeve—you don’t get to come. No flipping over and humping the mattress after half an hour, and no using a firmer grip. You put your dick away, and go to bed or work or school. Because this is about focusing on pleasurable sensations, not blowing your load, and you want to let the pressure build in your balls between sessions.

Stick to these rules when you’re on your own for at least six months. If your dick is able to adapt, it will, and then you can take your more sensitive dick into partnered sex with more confidence. But if after six months, you’re still not able to come using a lighter touch or a masturbation sleeve, you may have to accept that this—your need to get yourself to the point of OI during partnered sex—is the way your dick works. Just as some women need to use a vibrator in order to come, and that doesn’t mean they’re broken, some men—after giving and receiving a lot of pleasurable fucking—need to pull out, jack to the point of OI, and then plunge back in for the last few victory pumps. It doesn’t mean they’re broken; it doesn’t mean their dicks are broken; and it certainly doesn’t mean their sex lives are over. As sexual superpowers go, BROKE, it’s a pretty decent one to have.

Finally: I just re-read a paper on traumatic masturbatory syndrome (TMS) that was published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy back in 1998—which I think was before you were born (math is hard)—and it identified prone masturbation as the primary cause of delayed ejaculation. To prevent TMS, delayed ejaculation, and other forms of erectile dysfunction that prone masturbation can lead to, the authors recommended “masturbatory instruction in the home, classroom or pediatric clinical setting.” If their advice had been taken—if boys were advised, as one aspect of a comprehensive sex-education program, to avoid humping mattresses or placing their penises between mattresses and box springs—far fewer young men would have the problem you’re having now.


I’ve been seeing a guy for two years. It was a FWB situation from the start, because he already had a girlfriend. I adore him; we quickly broke the rules (L-word spoken on both sides); but the B part has dwindled to nothing. We haven’t had PIV sex since September, and he just added a second FWB to the mix.

He swears he’s attracted to me and says we aren’t having sex—with the exception of me blowing him from time to time—because he’s older. But I know for a fact the other two women are getting some. He says he’s attracted to me—so why doesn’t he want sex? How do I make him see how much I need him without issuing ultimatums?

Scared But Horny

Your FWB might come through with a little PIV if you issued that ultimatum, SBH, but it sure doesn’t sound like he’s going to fuck you short of one. You might be able to get this guy to quite literally throw you a bone, but I think your time would be better spent finding a new FWB.

On the Lovecast, the TRUTH about women’s libidos: savagelovecast.com.

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I was involved with a straight man who enjoys cross-dressing and taking explicit photos. The problem is that the props he uses belong to his three children, all under age 12.

For example, he dressed up as a slutty schoolgirl and wore his daughter’s backpack. He dressed up as a slutty cowgirl and posed with his son’s stuffed horse. He even had the horse eating his “carrot.” I told him he should not use his children’s things as props. He believes that his children will never see the photos, so no harm will come of it. I’m horrified at the thought of these kids (perhaps as adults) stumbling over these pictures. He posts them on Instagram and Facebook, so they aren’t private, and he can’t control where they go. It’s one of the reasons I ended the relationship.

Is there anything I can say to him?

Canceled Definitely Promising Relationship Over Photo Sessions

You told him what he’s doing is wrong; you explained the enormous risk he’s running; and you dumped him, CDPROPS. You could take one last run at it and try to explain that his children finding these photos isn’t one of those “low-risk, high-consequence events,” i.e., something that’s unlikely to happen but would be utterly disastrous if it did. (Think of the super-volcano that is Yellowstone National Park erupting, or a deranged, racist billionaire somehow managing to win a U.S. presidential election.) Nope, if he’s posting these photos online, at least one of his children will stumble over them—or one of their friends will. (“Hey, isn’t this your dad? And your backpack?”)

Your ex needs to knock this shit off, and will most likely need the help of a mental-health pro in order to do so.


My parents were married for almost 40 years—and on paper, things seemed fine. They rarely fought and were an example of a strong, monogamous marriage until the day my mother died.

Recently, I found writings by my dad revealing he had several casual encounters with men over the course of their marriage. Do I tell him I know? We are close, but sex isn’t something we usually discuss.

What should I do with this information, if anything?

A Deeply Upsetting Lie That Scalds

When you say their relationship seemed fine “on paper,” ADULTS, what you mean is their relationship was decent and loving. Well, now you know it wasn’t perfect—but no relationship is. Your mother is dead (I’m sorry for your loss), and either she made peace with this fact about her husband long ago, or she never knew about it. Either way, no good will come from confronting your father about the handful of dicks he sucked decades ago.


I’m a 47-year-old virgin straight man. What advice can you give me on losing my virginity?

Wanting And Hoping

There are lots of 40-year-old-and-up women out there who are virgins—they write in, too—so putting “middle-aged virgin seeks same” in your personal ad wouldn’t be a bad idea. Find someone in your same situation, WAH, and treat her with kindness, gentleness and patience—the same as you would like to be treated.


I’m married and poly, with one partner in addition to my husband. My partner has a friend-with-benefits arrangement with a woman he’s been with since before we met. The FWB is not poly, but she’s always known my partner is. She has always insisted they’re not a couple, but he knows she would be hurt if she found out he was with someone else, so he has avoided telling her he’s now also with me.

I don’t like being someone’s secret. My husband knows I’m with someone else and is fine with it. If my partner’s FWB felt the same, I wouldn’t see a problem. But this feels oddly like I’m helping my partner cheat on his FWB, even though they’re “not a couple” (her words). So it’s not cheating … is it?

Pretty Obviously Lost, Yeah

It’s not cheating—it’s plausible deniability. Your partner’s FWB would rather not know he’s seeing anyone else, so she doesn’t ask him about his other partners, and he doesn’t tell. Accommodating his FWB’s desire not to know about other partners—doing the DADT open thing—does mean keeping you a secret, POLY, at least from her. If you’re not comfortable with that, you’ll have to end things with your partner.


I’m scared of two things. 1. I’m scared that if I break up with my girlfriend of four years, I will be throwing away the best thing I will ever have, because I’m scared that I don’t love her in the way she deserves (in the way people say you will “just know” about), or because we have normal relationship problems and both have our own mental-health issues. 2. I’m also scared that if I don’t break up with her, I am keeping her in a relationship that is not good because of my fear of never finding someone as good as her, and we would both actually be happier with someone else.

Scared Of Being Alone

1. Nobody “just knows,” SOBA, and everyone has doubts—that’s why commitments are made (consciously entered into) and not some sort of romantic or sexual autopilot that kicks in when we meet the “perfect” person. We commit, and recommit, and forgive, and muddle through—but when we’re asked about our relationships, we tend to lean on clichés like, “It was love at first sight,” “I just knew,” “The One”—clichés that often fill others with doubt about the quality of their own relationships.

2. Get on iTunes, and download the original Broadway cast recordings of Company, Follies and A Little Night Music. Pay particular attention to “Sorry-Grateful,” “The Road You Didn’t Take” and “Send in the Clowns.”


If I write you a letter asking for advice and don’t want it published, even anonymously, will you answer?

Keeping It Confidential, ’Kay?

While I can’t respond to every letter I receive, KICK, I do sometimes respond privately. Just one request: If you send a letter that you don’t want published, please mention that at the start. I will frequently read an extremely long letter—so long that I start making notes or contacting experts before I finish reading it—only to discover “please don’t publish this” at the bottom. If a letter isn’t for publication, please mention that at the beginning. I promise that doing so increases your chances of getting a private response.

On the Lovecast, adult babies explained, finally: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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This woman has gone down on me (I’m a man) more than a half-dozen times in the last three months. Each time seems to be better than the previous! She does not want reciprocation. She has also turned down all my offers for intercourse. As far as I know, she is heterosexual just like me.

What’s with that? I am getting a bit frustrated. Also, without going all the way, am I considered a friend with benefits?

Just Chilling

You’re benefiting here—think of all those blowjobs—and if she’s a friend, you can certainly regard yourself as a friend with benefits. As for why she won’t allow you to eat her pussy or put your dick in her pussy, JC, well, a few things spring to mind. She could be one of those women who love to give head, and that’s all she wants from a casual partner. Or she could have body-image issues. Or she could have a sexually transmitted infection, and she’d rather blow than disclose. Or she might be unwilling to risk pregnancy. Or she could be intersex or trans and not ready to open up.

If you enjoy those blowjobs—if you’re enjoying the benefits—focus on what you are getting instead of what you’re not.


My husband and I occasionally go to swingers clubs. I don’t want to inadvertently fuck any Trump supporters, but I hate the idea of bringing up politics and killing everyone’s collective boner. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Occasionally Swinging

At the risk of killing your boner forever, OS, the organized swinging scene “leans right,” as pollster Charlie Cook would put it if Charlie Cook polled swingers. Easily half of the couples I met at a big swingers convention I attended in Las Vegas told me they were Republicans. One man—a swinger from Texas—told me he was a “traditional values” type of guy, and that’s why he opposed same-sex marriage. Fun fact: His wife was off fucking someone else’s husband while we were chitchatting in the hotel bar. Good times.


I’m a happily married 35-year-old mom. I have a loving and devoted husband. Recently, I started a job to get out of the house more and interact with more people.

Well, it turns out my new boss is a real hottie. I have a crush on him and often find myself fantasizing about him. While I know these feelings can be normal, I tend to fixate/obsess. I’m basically looking for advice on how to move past this crush or maybe find a more productive outlet.

Newbie Fantasizing

Here’s a more productive outlet: Turn out the lights; climb on top of your husband; get him hard; then sink your pussy down on his cock and ride him while you fantasize about your boss. (Perhaps this is better described as a more productive inlet?) Bonus points if you and your husband are both secure enough in your marriage and cognizant enough of reality to regard crushes on others as normal and, so long as they remain crushes, not a threat to your marriage or commitment. Because then you can talk dirty with your husband about your boss—he can even pretend to be your boss—while you ride your husband’s cock.


The other night while my wife and I were watching porn and masturbating together, I suggested we masturbate in front of DirtyRoulette. I briefly explained what the site is about. She asked me if that’s what I do—if I get on DR when I masturbate. I replied yes, sometimes—and she was so taken aback that she ended our masturbation session to process it. We’re fine now, but do you think this is “cheating”?

Dirty Rouletting

I don’t think it’s cheating, DR, but you aren’t married to me. In other words, if your wife regards you masturbating with strangers on the internet as cheating, then it’s cheating. There are, of course, some people out there who regard too many things as cheating—fantasizing about others, looking at porn, even non-webcam-or-porn-enhanced masturbation. People who think this way usually regard cheating as unforgivable and, consequently, their relationships are doomed to failure.


I’m a gay woman in an open marriage. I have met some women I am interested in who are bi and have husbands or male lovers. While I’m into being with these women, I have a concern: I know that sperm can’t live outside of the body very long, but it can still be alive and kicking inside a woman for several days. If a woman fucks a man, and hours or days later, I fuck that woman with fingers or toys that are later inside of me, can I accidentally get pregnant?

Actively Looking

No.


I’m deep in the grips of a run-of-the-mill midlife crisis. My marriage is in a slump, and I’ve been sexless longer than at any time since I was a teenager. My wife has granted me the DADT “hall pass,” but I have no idea how to go about using it. My life is work, children, activities related to the children, and a few solo hobbies to keep myself fit and sane. I rarely meet new people, except at work, and I can’t start a relationship with anyone I meet there. In fact, my career means I am subject to a fair amount of social scrutiny, and discretion is paramount.

Do you have any suggestions?

Hall Passing

Remember Ashley Madison? The hookup site for married people looking for affair partners? The site that did a terrible job of protecting its user data? The site that got hacked? A hack that outed millions of adulterers and ruined lives? Well, according to a story at the Outline, Ashley Madison is back, baby, and lots of women—real women, not the bots that plagued the site pre-hack—are using it. “Once the dust had settled and other scandals entered the headlines, many people largely forgot about Ashley Madison,” Stephanie Russell-Kraft reports. “This might explain why Ashley Madison’s user numbers have shot up in recent years.”


Any etiquette tips or best practices for introducing my husband to my boyfriend?

Poly Processing

Keep it casual and keep it brief, PP. A quick drink before you and your husband head to a sold-out show for which you have only two tickets. If your husband has an unexpectedly emotional reaction to meeting your boyfriend in the flesh—if it dredges up jealousy issues—you won’t be putting him in a situation where he has to bottle that up for hours or, worse yet, for a weekend.


Hey, Dan, you missed an opportunity in your response to Afraid To Bleed. She wrote that she bleeds whenever she has sex, and she was concerned about her partner’s aversion to blood, which you did address. But women should not bleed after vaginal intercourse. There are many reasons why they might—so it needs to be investigated. Please encourage ATB to visit a doctor.

Concerned Reader

Big oversight on my part; thank you for writing in!

On the Lovecast: Finally! A sex-advice/rabbit-care podcast mash-up! savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love