CVIndependent

Wed06032020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

I’m a 30-year-old bi male. I’ve been with my wife for five years, and we’ve been married nine months.

A month into our relationship, I let her know that watching partners with other men has always been something I wanted, and that sharing this had caused all my previous relationships to collapse. Her reaction was the opposite of what I was used to: She said she respected my kink, and we both agreed we wanted to solidify our relationship before venturing down the cuckold road. Fast-forward a couple of years, and we are in a healthy relationship, living together, regularly visiting sex clubs (though playing only with each other), and beginning to add some cuckold dirty talk to our sex play. Then after I proposed, we got busy … with wedding plans. Sex and experimentation were set aside. Once we got married, we started … looking for a house. Sex again took a back seat.

Life has settled down now, and when I bring up my desire to see her with other men, she tells me she’s willing, but the conversation quickly ends. I have suggested making profiles on various websites, but it doesn’t happen.

Am I doing something wrong? I fear that saying, “Let’s make a profile right now,” is pushy, and I absolutely do NOT want to be the whiny, pushy husband. Any advice you might have would be amazing.

Wannabe Cuckold Growing Frustrated

So you don’t want to be pushy where the wife is concerned, WCGF—but you’ll send me the same e-mail a half-dozen times in less than a week.

Look, WCGF, some people mean it when they say, “We can have threesomes/go to BDSM parties/try cuckolding once our relationship is solid.” But some people don’t mean it. They tell their kinky and/or nonmonogamous partner what they want to hear in the hopes that after the wedding and the house and the kids, their husband and the father of their children (or their wife and the mother of their children) isn’t going to leave them over something as “trivial” as a threesome, a public spanking or cuckolding. Complicating matters further: Some people say it and mean it and then change their mind.

To figure out what’s going on (and to figure out whether you’re doing something wrong), you’re going to need to risk being a little pushy—not about putting up a profile, but about having a conversation. You’re ready for this to happen; she tells you she is willing, but nothing ever happens. If she does want it to happen, what steps can you take together to make it happen? If she doesn’t want it to happen—if she never wanted it to happen—you need her to level with you.

Remember, WCGF, she’s the one being asked to take the risks here—it’s her picture you want to put on a profile, not yours; she’s the one who’s going to potentially be meeting up with strangers for sex, not you; she’s the one who is risking exposure to STIs, not you. (Although you could wind up exposed, too, of course. But just because you’re comfortable with that risk doesn’t mean she is.) She also might worry that you’re going to want her to fuck other guys way more often than she’s comfortable with. There are a lot of solid reasons why she might have developed cold feet, and by addressing her concerns constructively—no face pics, no strangers, no cream pies, it can be a very occasional thing—you might make some progress.

But if it turns out this isn’t something she wants to do—because she never did or because she changed her mind—then you have to decide whether going without being cuckolded is a price of admission you’re willing to pay to stay in this marriage.


I did one of the things you always say is bad, immature and hurtful: I was a jerk to my girlfriend for weeks, because I wanted her to break up with me. I know it was cowardly. I think she is a great woman, but I just wasn’t into the relationship, and I let it go longer than I should have. I felt terrible that she loved me and I didn’t love her back, and I didn’t want to hurt her.

My question is this: Why do you think sabotaging a relationship in this way is so bad? I’m glad she hates me now. She can feel anger instead of sadness. I didn’t want to be a “great guy” who did the right thing when the relationship needed to end. I want her to think I’m awful so she can move on with her life. If I said all the right things, that makes me more attractive and a loss. I’ve had women do that to me—break up with me the “right” way—and I respected them more and felt more in love with them and missed them more. I still think about them, because they were so kind and respectful when they dumped me. I prefer the relationships I’ve had that ended with hatred, because at least I knew we weren’t good for each other, and the end was no skin off my back.

Isn’t it better this way? (I’ve got no sign-off that creates a clever acronym. Make one up if you want to publish my letter.)

Annoying Shittiness Should Help Outraged Lovers Escape

I did what I could with your sign-off.

Being a jerk to someone you’re not interested in seeing anymore in the hopes that they’ll dump you is never OK. It’s certainly not a favor you’re doing them, ASSHOLE, if for no other reason than they’re unlikely to call it quits at the first sign of your assholery. When someone’s actions (jerkishness, assholery) conflict with their words (“I love you, too, sweetheart”), the person on the receiving end of crazy-making mixed messages rarely bolts immediately. They seek reassurance. They ask the person who’s being an asshole to them if they’re still good, if everything’s OK, if they’re still in love.

And those aren’t questions the person being an asshole can answer honestly, ASSHOLE, because honest answers would end the relationship. And that’s not how the asshole wants it, right? The asshole doesn’t want to honestly end things themselves; the asshole wants to dishonestly (and dishonorably) force the other person to end the relationship. So the asshole says we’re good; everything’s OK; I still love you, etc., and then dials the assholery up a little more.

Does the other person bolt then? Nope. The other person asks all those same questions again; the asshole offers up the same lying assurances; and the other person asks again and is fed more lies. This sometimes goes on for years before the person being emotionally abused by a lying asshole decides they can’t take it anymore and ends the relationship—often over the objections of the person who wanted out all along!

Gaslighting isn’t a term I throw around often or loosely, ASSHOLE, but what you describe doing—and what you’re attempting to rationalize as a gift of some sort—may be the most common form of gaslighting. Nothing about being gaslighted in this manner makes it easier to bounce back after a relationship ends. It makes it harder. Yeah, yeah, your ex “gets” to be mad at you, but she’s going to have a much harder time trusting anyone after dating you, because your assholery will likely cause her to doubt her own judgment. (“This new guy says he loves me, but the last guy—that fucking asshole—said he loved me, over and over again, and it was a lie. What if this guy is lying to me, too?”)

These brand-new insecurities, a parting gift from you, may cause her to end or sabotage relationships that could have been great. As for your worry that a person may wind up carrying a torch for an ex who ends things with kindness and respect: Well, torches have a way of burning out over time, and it’s even possible to will yourself to set a torch down, and walk away from it. But the kind of emotional damage done by actions like yours, ASSHOLE? That shit can last a lifetime.

On the Lovecast, erotic hypnosis with Michal Daveed: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; humpfilmfest.com.

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I’ve been faithfully reading your column in the Chicago Reader for years, and now I’m reaching out to you about my own problem. I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year. Everything is great, except one thing: He wants me to kick him in the nuts. It really bothers me, and I’m not sure what to do. He’s very serious about it, and he brings it up every single day. It makes me really uncomfortable that this is some sort of fetish of his, and I need help taking steps forward.

By the way: I play soccer, and I kick hard.

To Kick Or Not To Kick

It’s a kink called “ball busting,” TKONTK, and as long as you don’t kick him full force—or even half force—you’re unlikely to do permanent damage. That said, childless guys who are into ball busting are often advised to freeze their sperm just in case. And while it’s not a hugely popular kink, it’s common enough that ball busting porn exists, and ball busting Tumblrs, ball busting blogs, etc. Take it slow at first, particularly if your guy has only fantasized about this and not experienced it.

By the way: A guy who brings up his kink every single day deserves to be kicked in the nuts—unless he’s into ball busting, in which case he doesn’t deserve to be kicked in the nuts.


My husband and I were married in Toronto, Canada, in 2005, before marriage equality came to the United States. Does the U.S. government recognize our Canadian marriage, or do we need to remarry in the U.S.? Can you find out from one of your legal friends?

Does Our Marriage Apply?

“The U.S. government does recognize your marriage,” said Robbie Kaplan, one of my legal friends—and the attorney who represented Edith Windsor before the U.S. Supreme Court and won. In United States v. Windsor, the Supreme Court ruled that the federal government was required to recognize legal same-sex marriages, thereby gutting the Defense of Marriage Act. “We did the same thing,” Kaplan added. “We were married in Toronto in 2006, and the U.S. recognizes our marriage. No need to get married again here.”


Hi, Dan. I am getting in touch because I thought you might be interested in the following article: “Getting to the Bottom of Pegging.” For open-minded people who are open to butt play, pegging is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom. But what exactly is pegging and why is it a thing now? Sex and relationships expert, Tami Rose, knows how important it is to try new things in the bedroom. She would be able to provide an article explaining what pegging is and tips for your more adventurous readers who want to give it a go. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

(Redacted) PR Agency

Pegging? Never heard of it. Wait—what’s that, Wikipedia? “Pegging is a sexual practice in which a woman performs anal sex on a man by penetrating the man’s anus with a strap-on dildo. … The neologism ‘pegging’ was popularized when it became the winning entry in a contest in Dan Savage’s Savage Love sex advice column (in 2001).”


I’m in a six-year relationship with a guy you will probably deem DTMFA-worthy, but I deem round-up-able to The One. My kids already regarded him as their stepdad before we moved in together about eight months ago. That’s when I learned he’s an addict: He drinks, smokes weed and jerks off to porn for about two hours every day. He has been this way for more than 20 years, and I have zero delusions he will change for me. Recently, he told me he has very little sexual desire for me, that he knows my pussy in and out, and that it’s boring, but he loves my companionship.

How do I deal with this so we can move forward together as an incompatible couple?

Sex Addict Partner

A romantic partner who says something as cruel and negating as what this man has said to you, SAP, either wants out of the relationship or is grooming their partner for much worse treatment to come. If he wants out of the relationship, the verbal and emotional abuse will escalate until you finally leave him. If he doesn’t want out, the verbal and emotional abuse will escalate a bit more slowly, so that, like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water, you don’t realize exactly how bad it’s getting and how much damage it’s doing to you—and your kids.

I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, SAP, but I’m going to say it anyway: DTMFA.


I’m a competent in-person lover, but I’m the worst at Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp sex. I can’t get the angle right; I don’t know what to wear; I feel shy; I don’t know what to say; I can’t get off; I giggle like a 15-year-old girl getting her first French kiss under the bleachers. I’m going to be away from my guy for most of the summer, and I need to figure this out. Any advice or tips?

Struggle Keeping Yonder Penis Entertained

A 15-year-old girl may giggle the first time she gets French-kissed under the bleachers—or she may not—but a girl who giggles the first time probably isn’t going to be giggling the 50th. So just keep at it; try to relax and enjoy yourself; and ask your partner to take the lead, i.e., if you don’t know what to do, ask him to tell you what he’d like you to do, SKYPE—but only follow the orders you’re comfortable following.


What’s the fairest way to determine who should get tied up?

Bondage Bottom Boyfriends

Whoever was tied up last time does the tying up this time, and vice versa.


Do you ever wear panties, Dan? Would you post a picture of yourself in panties online? I think you would look good in panties.

Panties Are Nice To You

While I have no particular aversion to wearing panties, PANTY, and while I will not deny the allure of the models at xdress.com, I’ve never worn panties and have no plans to start. As a consequence, I won’t be able to post a picture of myself in panties online to delight you and horrify everyone else.


How much sex is too much sex?

Numb Over Numbers

“Enough is as good as a feast.” —Mary Poppins.

On the Lovecast, Dan and the lesbian panel: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; read the Savage Love Letter of the Day on Slog: thestranger.com/slog.

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In a recent column, you said you never hear from married couples whose sex lives got better and more frequent over the years. Well, now you have.

My wife and I were married 24 years ago, and we are currently having more sex and better sex than we did in the first years of our marriage. There are many reasons why, including therapy, antidepressants and weight loss with subsequent surgery—but I would have to say that the big reason is communication. If you had known us 25 years ago, Dan, you would not have given us good odds. We’d been dating only a year and a half when we got engaged, and we’d known each other less than two years. I was a virgin; my wife was not; together, we hadn’t gotten much past second base, and neither of us had laid our kink cards on the table. We were (and still are) introverts with poor communication skills and anxiety/depression/mental-health issues.

I won’t say it’s been fairy-tale perfect—the kind of perfect that makes you barf and roll your eyes—but it’s been pretty damn close. My wife has been incredibly GGG, and I hope I have been, too.

So there you go, Dan! Now you know there’s at least one couple out there whose sex life has only gotten better over the years.

Better Erotic Ties Totally Enhanced Relationship

Last week, I responded to IMDONE, a woman who married a man despite the sex being “infrequent and impersonal” during their courtship. To the surprise of no one who has ever given sex advice for a living, the sex didn’t get better after IMDONE and her boyfriend got married. “Here’s something I’ve never seen in my inbox: a letter from someone explaining how sex with their partner was infrequent, impersonal, uninspired, unimaginative, etc., at first but—holy moly—the sex got a fuck of a lot better after the wedding,” I wrote in my response to IMDONE. I did allow for the possibility that my sample was skewed; people with good sex lives don’t write to tell me everything’s fine. So I invited people whose so-so sex lives improved after the wedding to write in. And did they ever: My inbox is packed with e-mails from couples whose sex lives got better after the wedding.


I was a very experienced woman (five years as a swinger and partners numbering in the high double digits) when I first met the man who would become my husband. My husband-to-be was a virgin. Sex was barely OK and very infrequent. But we were both in our early 40s and ready to settle down. We also had an amazing friendship, and we were never as happy apart as we were together. It helped that we shared some kinks and were both up for what we agreed would be a nice and mostly companionate marriage.

So we got married. And, wow, did everything change! We went from once a month to a couple of times a week. Turns out he needed that emotional attachment to feel safe and secure enough to open up and relax and enjoy himself. We’ve been married for years now. The sex is still good. It’s not as frequent as it once was, but it’s really good when we have it. So, yes, sometimes it does get better!

Woman In Fucking Ecstasy


Am I the first or the hundredth person to write in? Yes, sex for us got better after marriage. I suspect you don’t see it in your inbox very often because this isn’t what most people would consider a problem, and we don’t want to waste your time! All it took for the sex to get better was practice and paying attention to cues and solving problems. I strongly suspect that perseverance and a bit of luck were also major factors.

Practice, Practice, Practice


My sex life improved after marriage. I am a straight male with a highly stigmatized kink. I was deeply ashamed of my sexual interest even before my mother discovered my porn when I was 14 and told me I was a pervert that no decent woman would ever want.

When I met my wife, our sex life was OK—but I was never fully present, because I would have to concentrate on my fantasies in order to sustain an erection. I eventually retreated into masturbation. My wife knew I was masturbating in the middle of the night instead of having sex with her, and that led to some enormous fights. So I told her about my kink, fully expecting that it would result in the collapse of my marriage. We didn’t speak about it for a week … and then she calmly asked me if I wanted to do this with her instead of just watching porn about it.

Partnership Improved Sexual Situation


I fucked my husband on our first date because I wanted to see if he was any good. He wasn’t. But I liked him, so we kept at it.

I have some physical ailments that can make sex painful. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, I’m on the autism spectrum, and I’ve experienced sexual trauma. I addressed my problems through counseling, medication, physical therapy and even surgery. My problems are not 100 percent fixed, and we don’t have sex as often as either of us would like, but when we have it, it’s worlds better than when we started out.

For me, being comfortable with my husband and secure in the relationship made it so much easier to communicate and work on fixing the problems together. It sounds cheesy, but marriage counseling really helped. It helped my husband understand himself and his reactions better, and it helped cement the idea of “ours” instead of “yours” as it related to the problems I was dealing with at the time. That he was willing to see a counselor and work on sex were also good signs. If I had a partner who was unwilling to talk about sex or try to fix it, I’d kick his ass to the curb without blinking. So with the help of counseling, I got him on board with dirty talk during sex (because it’s important for me), and I worked (and still work) on telling him what to do when we bone. He can’t read my body language, so a lot of the improvement came down to me being more comfortable with giving him instructions. We also have plenty of sex that isn’t P in V, which takes the pressure off both of us.

I imagine you probably don’t hear from folks like us, because in addition to being less likely, we don’t have much to write in about. But we exist!

Counseling Helped Our Marriage Persist


My sex life actually did get better after I married my partner. I struggled with erectile dysfunction during my courtship with my wife. It really didn’t settle down until we’d been married for a while. I had trust issues and guilt issues—boring stories—and I got a lot more comfortable once we’d made that commitment. Now we have two kids, and we have sex almost weekly. (Hey, that’s good for 40-year-olds!) I doubt it’s the norm, Dan, but that’s what happened with me.

Enduring Relationship Eased Cock Troubles

First, I want to thank BETTER, WIFE, PPP, PISS, CHOMP, ERECT and everyone else who wrote in. I do feel obligated to point out, however, that these are anecdotes, not data. And while there isn’t data to back up my position—that sex doesn’t generally get better after marriage—my pile of anecdotes is a whole lot bigger. So I’m going to continue to urge people to establish basic sexual compatibility before marriage rather than hoping a so-so sexual connection—or a nonexistent one—will somehow get better after marriage. But it can be done. You just need to have PPP’s luck or be married to someone willing to do the work, like CHOMP’s spouse was, or fortunate enough to wind up with someone willing to take the leak, like PISS’s spouse was.

On the Lovecast, Justin Lehmiller on the true nature of sexual fantasies: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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On this week's extra-presidential (for better or for worse) weekly Independent comics page: The K Chronicles pays tribute to wifey; This Modern World shares some Trump valentines; Jen Sorenson ponders our democratic crisis; and Red Meat enjoys some special effects.

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