CVIndependent

Wed05222019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

Let’s say my kink is edging, and I edge myself for a few days leading up to a date. Is it my responsibility to tell my potential partner?

There are a few variables here that are important to note. This is a first/Tinder date, and it’s just a coffee date, but she and I have talked about our expectations, and there will likely be a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue. I understand that it’s never cool to involve someone in your kink without their consent, but what are the rules here? On one hand, if I don’t divulge this information, I could see how my production of an unexpectedly large amount of ejaculate could be upsetting, depending on the circumstances/activity. But on the other hand, at least some amount of come is expected, right? If I randomly had massive loads every single time through no effort of my own, would I be responsible for letting a partner know? Perhaps it would be the polite thing to do. I guess I’d feel comfortable saying, “Hey, by the way, I produce very large loads,” if sex was imminent. But when you add the kink factor into the mix, I think something like that should be talked about before sex is “imminent.”

So what responsibility do I have to divulge this information? And if I do have a responsibility to divulge this, when would be the appropriate time to bring it up? I feel like it could be sexy to be so open about a taboo, given that we’ve already discussed the desire for a physical aspect to the relationship. But at what point between sex being “not off-limits” and “my parts are going to be interacting with your parts as soon as our clothes are off” is the right moment to disclose my kink?

What Ought One Do?

Let’s say … you blow that load. I can’t imagine your new friend will be shocked. Blowing loads, after all, is what men do* with their penises**, WOOD, and most people who are attracted to men are aware of this fact. And anyone who’s slept with two or more men is aware that some men blow bigger loads than others. Volume varies. Volumes vary between men, and the volume of an individual man’s loads can vary naturally or as the direct result of an intentional intervention, like edging.

Backing up for a second: Edging entails bringing yourself or being brought to the edge of coming over and over again. It’s about getting yourself or someone else as close as you can to the “point of orgasmic inevitability” without going over. Draw out the buildup to a single orgasm for hours or days—by edging yourself or being edged by someone else—and the resulting load will be larger than normal for the edged individual. But even so, an edged dude’s load can still be smaller than the load of a guy who just naturally produces more ejaculate.

In answer to your question, WOOD: No, I don’t think there’s a pressing need to disclose your kink to your date. If it gets sexual, she’s going to expect you to produce ejaculate at some point. And even if the load you wind up blowing is enormous, you’re not going to drown her or wash out her IUD.

Frankly, WOOD, your letter reads like you got baked out of your mind and sat up half the night trying to come up with an excuse to tell this woman about your not-that-kinky kink, and “I should tell her as a courtesy” was the best you could do.

If you want to tell her, go ahead and tell her. But since there’s no need to tell her that you sometimes like to stroke for a bit without climaxing, there’s a strong chance she’ll react negatively to your “courtesy” disclosure. Even if she’s made it clear there could be “a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue”—even if that’s not just dickful thinking on your part—she’s going to be scrutinizing you for signs that you aren’t someone she wants to get naked with. She’ll be looking for red flags at your first face-to-face meeting, and if you come across like a creep with piss-poor judgment—and a needless conversation about how much ejaculate you produce and why you produce so much ejaculate will definitely come across as creepy—then she may decide not to ensue with you.


I’m a queer man who usually tops with men. A bad first try at receiving anal at age 16 led me to not bottom for years. After seeing the looks of delight on my partners’ faces, I decided to give bottoming another go. I followed your advice—lots of lube and relaxation, a little weed—and tried lots of different positions and dick sizes. But no matter what, I never seem to get past the pain and into the pleasure zone. I enjoy being fingered and using a prostate massager, so I know my prostate is in there.

How many times should I try bottoming before I decide it’s not for me?

Twentysomething Into Glutes Had To Have Orgasms Lustily Elsewhere

There’s no set number of times a queer person has to try bottoming before deciding it’s not for them, TIGHTHOLE. A person—queer or straight—can make that call without ever having tried bottoming. An exclusive top who isn’t afraid of his own hole, i.e., a queer guy who enjoys being fingered and using a prostate massager, doesn’t have a hang-up; he’s just a guy who knows what works for his hole and what doesn’t. And that’s more than most people know.


A few days ago, someone broke into my house. Everything of value was taken—including my two dogs—but they left my clothes and stuff of that nature.

Last night, my boyfriend and I were getting ready to fuck, and I went to the drawer I keep all our sex toys in, and they were all gone. I’m not only upset because hundreds of dollars of toys were taken; I also feel violated. This person has not only violated me by coming into my home and taking things, but by taking something so personal and intimate. I survived rape and molestation by a family member who is in jail for his actions, so sadly, I know what it feels like to be violated. This has brought that violation back and makes me feel like that same vulnerable, helpless child I was so many years ago.

My boyfriend is being supportive, but I just feel so horrible and I do not know how to cope with this.

Thief Has Exhumed Family Trauma

I’m so sorry this was done to you, THEFT, and it’s perfectly understandable that this final violation—the theft of your sex toys on top of the theft of your other belongings and your dogs (!!!)—would dredge up painful memories of past sexual violations. I can’t offer you much beyond my acknowledgment of how awful this is and my sympathy. But if you’re having trouble coping, if you’re reeling from this, schedule a few sessions with a good therapist, someone who can help you process those feelings. I also think you should consider moving to a place that won’t be haunted by this violation, if possible, and your boyfriend should—when you’re ready—take you out and treat you to a few brand-new sex toys.

On the Lovecast, we got punked! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

* Not all men have penises; not all penises have men; not all men blow loads; not all loads are blown by men, etc.

** Not the only thing men do with their penises; some men don’t do that thing with their penises; some penis-havers don’t do that thing as men, etc.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I'm a gay guy in my late 40s with a straight sister in her early 50s. She’s been married for a bit more than two decades to a guy who always registered as a “possible” on my average-to-good gaydar. But I put “BIL,” aka my brother-in-law, in the “improbable” bucket, because he actively wooed my sister, was clearly in love with her, and fathered four boys with her, all in their late teens now.

I’m sure you already saw this plot development coming: It turns out BIL has been far more “probable” than I thought. He has a boyfriend but is still very much closeted and denies he is gay. My sister has apparently known about this arrangement for four years, but has kept it a secret for the kids’ sake. But she recently filed for divorce and told our parents and me what’s been going on. Their kids have been informed about the divorce, but not about their father’s boyfriend.

BIL needs to gay-man-up and admit the truth to himself and the rest of his family and start the healing process. That’s obvious. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can talk him into it (we’re not close), and my sister is left holding this terrible secret while her bewildered kids watch their parents’ marriage crumble with no clue why. I think the kids deserve the truth, and that neither my sister nor the kids can start to heal until that happens. If BIL won’t do the right thing, my sister is going to have to tell them the truth.

What can I do to help her with this? She’s awfully fragile right now, and I don’t want to pressure her. I can’t tell the kids without causing a big stink. But dammit, Dan, someone needs to start speaking some truth in that house.

Dishonest Gay Brother-In-Law

Secret second families—and a secret boyfriend of four years counts—aren’t secrets that keep. So your nephews are gonna find out about dad’s boyfriend sooner or later, DGBIL, and sooner is definitely better. Because in the absence of the actual reason why their parents are splitting up—in the absence of the truth—they’re likely to come up with alternate explanations that are far worse. And when they inevitably discover the real reason, your nephews’ anger at having been lied to or left in the dark will reopen the wounds.

Backing way the hell up: Seeing as BIL actively wooed and “was clearly in love with” your sister, and seeing as he successfully scrambled his DNA together with hers four times and remained married to her for two decades, DGBIL, I don’t think BIL is a closeted gay man. My money’s on closeted bisexual man.

I shall now say something that will delight my bisexual readers: I’m sure you’d like to live in a world where everyone is out, DGBIL, or, even better, a world where no one ever had to be in. But in the world we live in now, bisexuals are far less likely to be out than gays and lesbians, DGBIL, and the belief that a guy is either gay or straight keeps many bisexual guys closeted. Because if a bisexual guy who’s married to a woman knows he’s going to be seen as gay if he tells the truth—if no one will ever believe he loved his wife or wanted all those kids—he’s unlikely to ever come out. So you can’t fault BIL for not being out, DGBIL, when it’s attitudes like yours that keep bi guys closeted in the first place.

I shall now say something that will piss off my bisexual readers: A family-minded bi guy can have almost everything he wants—spouse, house, kids—without ever having to come out so long as that bi guy winds up with an opposite-sex partner. Coming out is a difficult conversation, and it’s one many bi people choose to avoid. And who can blame them? I wasn’t thrilled by the idea of telling my mom I put dicks in my mouth, but it was a conversation I couldn’t avoid. Faced with the choice between telling my mother the truth and possibly being rejected by her and thereby losing her, or cutting her out of my life in order to keep my secret and definitely losing her, I chose to tell her the truth. If I’d been, say, your average hetero-romantic bisexual man instead of a huge homo—if I enjoyed sex with men and women but only fell in love with women—I could’ve avoided coming out to her and very well might have.

Back to your nephews, DGBIL: They should be told the truth, but you shouldn’t be the one to tell them. Their parents should. Sit down with your sister, and make the argument I did above: Yes, your kids are upset about the divorce, and it will add to their upset to learn their father is in a relationship with a man. But they’re going to be angry about being lied to when they inevitably find out. And if she’s keeping this secret solely at BIL’s request, well, he can’t ask that of her if doing so will damage her relationship with her kids. I don’t think she should immediately out BIL, but she can and should let him know that she will need to tell the children if he doesn’t.

You should have a conversation with BIL. Open it by telling him that life is long; marriages are complicated; and you know he loved your sister. But to stick the dismount here—to end his marriage without destroying his relationship with his kids, he can’t hide from them. If he doesn’t want to tell his boys about his boyfriend because he fears he might lose them, DGBIL, then he’ll have to cut his kids out of his life—and that means losing them for sure.

And then butt the fuck out.


I’m a 24-year-old lesbian, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now. She’s incredible, but she isn’t completely out of the closet yet. I’ve been out since 2010. She’s only come out to a couple of her really close friends. I understand that everyone is different, and it takes some people longer than others, but I can’t help the fact that it hurts my feelings.

I don’t express this to her, because I don’t want to be the reason she does something she’s not ready to. But at the same time, it’s killing me, and she doesn’t even know it. We are compatible in every way possible: sexually, emotionally and spiritually. But I can’t help but feel she’s ashamed of me. I know that sounds selfish, but I want someone who will scream my name from the rooftop.

I bring her around all my friends, family and co-workers. She’s fully a part of my life, and I feel like I’m never going to be fully a part of hers. What do I do? Set a time limit? She makes me so fucking happy, but I’m starting to resent her for this, and I don’t want to feel that way. Your thoughts, please!

Being A Secret Hurts Every Day

Two thoughts …

1. Your girlfriend is keeping a secret from her family and friends, BASHED, and she has to hide you to protect that secret. You’re keeping a secret from your girlfriend: Being hidden, being treated like her dirtiest secret, is making you miserable. Tell her how you feel about being hidden—because she needs to know being hidden is making you miserable.

2. “Don’t date closet cases” is one of my rules for out folks, BASHED, but there are exceptions to every rule. If an out person meets someone on their way out or someone who, for good reasons, can’t come out this minute (they’re dependent on bigoted parents) or possibly ever (they live in a part of the world where it’s too dangerous to be out), an out person can date a closeted person. But dating someone who can be out and isn’t and has no plans to come out? They’re not dating you; they’re dragging you back into the closet. Just say no.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Johann Hari about the depression epidemic: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

Two weeks ago, a longtime reader challenged me to create a new sexual neologism. (Quickly for the pedants: You’re right! It is redundant to describe a neologism as “new,” since neologisms are by definition new: “ne·ol·o·gism noun a newly coined word or expression.” You got me!)

“Neo-Neologisms, Please!” was too polite to point it out, but my two most famous and widely used neologisms have been around so long—pegging (2001) and santorum (2003)—that they’re practically paleogisms at this point. So I accepted NNP’s challenge and proposed “with extra lobster.” My inspiration: On a visit to Iceland, I was delighted to discover that “with extra lobster” was a menu item at food carts that served lobster. This delighted me for two reasons. First, lobster is fucking delicious, and getting extra lobster with your lobster is fucking awesome. And second, “with extra lobster” sounded like it was a dirty euphemism for something equally awesome. I offered up my own suggested definition—someone who sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they’re deep-throating your cock is giving you a blowjob with extra lobster—and invited readers to send in their own. It was my readers, after all, who came up with the winning definitions for pegging (“a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo”) and santorum (“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”).

What follows are the best reader-suggested definitions for “with extra lobster,” with occasional commentary from yours truly …

• “With extra lobster” sounds to me like going down on someone—regardless of sex—when it’s a little more odoriferous than you would like, because they haven’t bathed in a while. For example: “Things were getting hot and heavy with my Tinder date last night, and then I started to go down and was surprised with extra lobster.”

• I think I have a good candidate for your “with extra lobster” definition! It could be applied to a man who has an exceptionally large and dangling foreskin (“His penis comes with extra lobster!”) or a woman whose labia protrudes (“I love pussy with extra lobster!”).

• When I first started dating my wife, she kept her lady parts waxed clean, and they looked a bit like a lobster claw, even being slightly red if the waxing was recent. We nicknamed her vagina and surrounding area “The Lobster,” or “Lobby” for short. So I would suggest that “with extra lobster” should mean anytime you get some extra lobster in on the act—from normal lesbian sex (two lobsters!), to a standard-issue male fantasy threesome (two lobsters and one cock), to a surprise second go-around after you thought the sex was over.

The area surrounding the vagina already has a name: the vulva. While most people are familiar with the labia majora and minora parts of the vulva, aka “the lips,” fewer know the name for the area between the labia minora. The spot where the opening to the vaginal canal can be found—also part of the vulva—is called the “vaginal vestibule.” According to my thesaurus, lobby is a synonym for vestibule. So this proposed definition of “with extra lobster” is pretty apt. Now, some will quibble with the lobby-ish implication that a vagina is a space that needs to be entered. One can have a good time—great sex with lots of extra lobster—without anyone being penetrated, i.e., without anyone entering the lobby.

• Extra lobster should be the name for those cock-extender things. Example: “My husband has a small penis. And you know what? The sex is great! He gives great head and isn’t afraid to strap on some extra lobster now and then.”

• As a vegan, Dan, I strongly object to “with extra lobster.” It reinforces the speciest notion that is it permissible to consume lobsters, sentient life forms that feel pain, and associating a sex act with the violence of meat consumption further desensitizes us to acts of sexual violence.

Fuck off.

• When you see a gorgeous ultra-feminine creature far more gorgeously feminine than my straight CIS ass will ever be. But under all the silks and stockings and satin panties … there’s a wonderful and welcome surprise! That girl comes WITH EXTRA LOBSTER!

• I’ve learned about fursuits from you, Dan, and so many other crazy things—like the guy who wanted to be sexually ravished and then torn apart and eaten by zombies. With that in mind, I think “with extra lobster” shouldn’t refer to a sex act. It should be ENTIRELY literal: an act of bestiality performed not with one lobster, but with two or more lobsters. (The zombie guy was what hooked me on “Savage Love.” I’m too shallow for the actual problems and stuff. More freaks, please!)

Too literal and too improbable—and euphemisms that describe things that have never happened or only happen very, very rarely are unlikely to enter the lexicon.

• I used to hook up with a cuckold couple with a particularly naughty fetish: I’d fuck the woman and fill her up, and then her man would eat it out of her. So, say you hooked up with a woman; let’s call her “Melania,” and her husband, call him “Donald,” ate her pussy after you filled her with come. Donald is eating pussy with extra lobster!

Sounds more like pussy with extra chowder to me—and what you’ve described already has a perfectly good (and widely-used) name: cream pie. And, please God, let’s leave Trump out of this. There’s no need to associate something so vile and disgusting with eating another man’s come out of your wife’s lobby.

• “With extra lobster” should refer to any intimate pleasure where your expectations are greatly exceeded! I’m a gay man in my 60s, and my husband and I have been together for decade. I also have a friend with benefits. One night, we were camping, and I blurted out, “I would like to cuddle with you.” What happened next was 12 courses—at least—with extra lobster! We’ve managed to rekindle this energy every couple of years over the past 25!

• I believe your example of “with extra lobster” regarding an extra WOW factor during something sexual is perfect and doesn’t need extra explanation. As the saying goes: Dan, you pegged it!

I agree with the last two letter writers: “with extra lobster” shouldn’t refer to any specific sex act—and it should never involve actual lobsters and/or mental images of the current president of the United States—but should, instead, be a general term meaning “expectations exceeded.” When someone really comes through for you, when they knock your socks off, when they make you see stars—when they really WOW you—then you got boned or blown or fucked or flogged or torn apart and eaten by zombies with extra lobster!

With that sorted and settled, here’s a bonus neologism to close the column …

This isn't a definition for “with extra lobster,” but I wanted to share it. I live in Uganda, and many of the streets are lined with stalls that sell BBQ chicken. If you know to ask for the special chicken, they’ll often sell you weed. “Special chicken” has become my favorite euphemism for weed!

On the Lovecast, the ethics of HIV disclosure: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I am a 56-year-old heterosexual man, and I have lived with ALS for the past six years. I am either in a wheelchair or in a hospital bed, and I have very little motor ability in my limbs. Like most or all male ALS patients, I still have full sensory ability, including a fully functioning penis.

Are there safe websites or groups I can connect with that deal with helping paralytics like me find people who are interested in hooking up? I’m talking about people who have a fetish for paralytics. I know that some people have a thing for amputees; I imagine there’s a fetish for any number of diseases or afflictions.

When I was healthy, I was into light bondage. That seems like a redundancy now, but I can still get into dress-up and role-play. I would be cool if someone was into the whole bathing, grooming, dressing thing, and whatever baby-doll fantasy they might have. Hell, I’d be happy if someone just wanted to give me a pity fuck!

Realistic About Getting Dominated Or Lustfully Laid

“I struggled to find any specific online groups with respect to ALS and sexuality,” said Andrew Gurza, a disability awareness consultant and the host of Disability After Dark, a terrific podcast that explores and celebrates the sexual agency and desirability of people with disabilities. “But what RAGDOLL is looking for might not be directly related to his specific disability. It sounds like he is looking to engage with a community of people called ‘devotees.’ These individuals are attracted to people primarily because of their disabilities, and that might be what he is looking for. I know a couple who used a devotee website to find each other, who dated and eventually married.”

If you’re open to playing with a devotee, RAGDOLL, Gurza suggests checking out Paradevo (paradevo.net), a website for “female devotees and gay male devotees” of disabled men.

“Many disabled people have also set up profiles on sites like FetLife to explore not only their fetishistic sides, but also how their disabled identities can complement and play a role in that,” said Gurza.

Now … many people, disabled and otherwise, look down on devotees, who are often accused of fetishizing disability and objectifying disabled people. But people who are exclusively attracted to the able-bodied and/or the conventionally attractive are rarely accused of fetishizing the able and ambulatory or objectifying the facially symmetrical. Which is why it has always seemed to me—and Gurza agrees with me on this point—that if being with someone who is turned on by your whatever-the-fuck is good enough for the able-bodied, it’s good enough for people with disabilities. Provided. of course. that, able or disabled, we’re appreciated for everything we bring to the table or the chair or the bed.

Ryan Honick, a disability advocate and public speaker, doesn’t think you should limit your search to websites aimed exclusively at the disability community.

“It’s estimated that one in five people have a disability,” said Honick. “And when I think about how challenging dating can be anyway—disability notwithstanding—my immediate thought is that RAGDOLL shouldn’t exclude 80 percent of the population from his search. So I would encourage him to use some of the mainstream apps—like Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble or Match—and put what he’s after front and center.”

Honick would caution other disabled people that putting your disability front and center—even on mainstream dating apps—is likely to attract the attention of devotees.

“RAGDOLL doesn’t seem like he would mind being with a devotee,” said Honick. “But those of us who do mind need to be a little more discerning. I’ve inadvertently attracted a fair number of people with a devotee fetish, and it honestly squicked me out.”

Zooming out for a second: Safety is always a concern when inviting a stranger over for sex, RAGDOLL, even for the non-disabled. In addition to attracting the attention of a few good and decent people, devotees or not, your relative helplessness could attract the attention of a predator. So before inviting anyone over, get their real name and their real phone number. Then share that information with a trusted friend—someone who can check in with you before and after a date—and let your potential new fuck buddy know you’re sharing their info with a trusted friend.

Second to last word goes to Honick: “Another option, if it’s available to RAGDOLL and he’s open to it, would be hiring a sex worker.”

And the last word goes to Gurza: “RAGDOLL shouldn’t resign himself to the idea that he’s a ‘pity fuck.’ His desires as a disabled man have full value and worth. And I want him to know, as a fellow disabled man, that he can have a fulfilling sex life, and that someone out there does find him attractive.”

Follow Andrew Gurza on Twitter @AndrewGurza, and follow Ryan Honick on Twitter @RyanLHonick.


I’m interested in mummification—being covered in layers of plastic wrap and duct tape—but I am not interested in sexual activity.

I created an account on what I have been told is the most popular hookup app for kinky gay men. I am not interested in sex with any gender. How can I determine if someone who agrees to mummify me can be trusted not to initiate sexual activity?

Wannabe Rare Aspie Perv

I assume the app you’re using is Recon, WRAP, as it’s the most popular hookup app for kinky gay and bi men. There are “FRIENDS” listings in the lower right-hand corner of each profile. Contact the friends of anyone you’re interested in playing with, and ask for a reference. Is this guy skilled? Can he be trusted? Does he respect limits, etc.? If the answers are yes, yes and yes, you can most likely trust him.


I’m a 44-year-old woman living in the Washington, D.C., area. I divorced my husband last year, and I haven’t had sex in seven years. Despite my premenopausal age and daily antidepressant, I’m horny as fuck.

How do you recommend I find someone to do me? I am a BBW and ready to get fucked. But I also want to protect my privacy, and I’m reluctant to post pics online. I’m aware I am a fetish for some, and I’ve been something of a “crazy-person magnet” in the past, and that’s a concern. I’m not looking for love. I just want to get done without meeting a psycho.

Like A Virgin Again

You can’t find someone if you aren’t willing to put yourself out there, LAVA, which these days means putting some pics up on dating apps. There are lots of dating and/or hookup apps and websites for bigger folks, some more fetishizing than others. (I did a little digging, and WooPlus.com seems to be legit and not overrun with feeders.) And who cares if someone spots your photo on a dating site? If Jeff Bezos refuses to be shamed by his dick pics—or blackmailed with them—you don’t have to be ashamed to show your face on a dating or hookup app.

As for avoiding “psychos,” LAVA, there are shitty, toxic people everywhere. Learn to recognize the signs, and take those red flags seriously. If you have a terrible track record—if you’ve found yourself with (or married to) a lot of shitty/toxic people—then you need to make sure you’re not the problem. Because if everyone you’ve ever dated was shitty or toxic, LAVA, there’s a better-than-even chance you were the shitty or toxic common denominator in a lot of failed relationships. Do the work—risk being introspective and self-critical—and if you’re not the problem, and you are incapable of spotting red flags, confide in a friend whose judgment you trust when you’re screening potential FWBs.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Eric Leue from the Free Speech Coalition: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

Can I still be considered sex-positive if I personally do not have sex? I’ve never had sex or masturbated—all my life, any type of sexual stimulation has been very painful, and I’ve been unable to experience orgasm. I simply get a migraine and feel mildly nauseated instead. I am not looking for a possible solution, as I long ago accepted my fate and consequently avoid sex, such as by maintaining only sexless relationships. My question is simply: Can I still be considered sex-positive if I do not enjoy or engage in sexual activity?

Personally Loathes Unpleasant Sex

I consider myself cunnilingus-positive, PLUS, despite the fact that I could not personally enjoy (and therefore have never engaged in) that particular sexual activity. While I don’t think it would cause me physical pain, I would not be able to experience orgasm myself (through simultaneous self-stimulation) while performing cunnilingus, and my cunnilingus partner would be highly unlikely to experience orgasm, either (due to my ineptness). If I can nevertheless consider myself cunnilingus-positive under the circumstances—if I can consider myself a cunnilingus advocate—you can consider yourself sex-positive.


About twice a week, my wife gets up from the dinner table to have a shit. She won’t make the smallest effort to adjust the timing so we can finish our dinner conversation. She can’t even wait for a natural break in the conversation. She will stand up and leave the room when I am making a point. Am I rightfully upset, or do I just have to get over it? When I say something, she tells me it’s unavoidable.

Decidedly Upset Man Petitions Savage

“Let her have her poop,” said Zach Noe Towers, a comedian in Los Angeles who just walked into the cafe where I was writing this week’s column. “His Miss Pooper isn’t going to change her ways.” I would only add this: Absent some other evidence—aural or olfactory—you can’t know for sure that your wife actually left the room to take a shit. She could be in the bathroom scrolling through Twitter or checking her Instagram DMs. In other words: taking a break from your shit, DUMPS, not shitting herself.


My boyfriend goes to pieces whenever I am the least bit critical. I’m not a scold, and small things don’t bother me. But when he does something thoughtless, and I bring it to his attention, he starts beating up on himself and insists that I hate him and I’m going to leave him. He makes a scene that’s out of proportion to the topic at hand, and I wind up having to comfort and reassure him. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Boyfriend Always Wailing Loudly

Someone who leaps to YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE ME! when their partner wants to constructively process the tiniest conflict is being a manipulative shit, BAWL. Your boyfriend goes right to the self-lacerating (and fake) meltdown so that you’ll hesitate to initiate a discussion about a conflict or—god forbid—really confront him about some selfish, shitty or inconsiderate thing he’s done. He’s having a tantrum, BAWL, because he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions. And as the parent of any toddler can tell you, tantrums continue so long as tantrums work.


I’m a well-adjusted gay man in my early 40s, but I’ve never found a way to openly enjoy my fetish: I love white socks and sneakers. The most erotic thing I’ve ever seen is a cute guy at a party asking if he could take his high-tops off to relax in his socks. I’ve been in a couple of long-term relationships, but I’ve never been honest about this fetish with anyone. I’ve thought a lot about why stocking feet turn me on so much, and I think it must have something to do with the fact that if you are close to someone, and they want to spend time with you, they are more likely to take their shoes off to relax around you. I’m not sure what to do.

Loves Socks And Sneaks

I have to assume you’re out of the closet—you can’t be a “well-adjusted gay man” and a closet case—which means at some point in your life, LSAS, you sat your mom down and told her you put dicks in your mouth. Telling your next boyfriend you have a thing for socks and sneakers can’t be anywhere near as scary, can it? Also: There are tons of kinky guys all over Twitter and Instagram who are very open about their fetishes, LSAS. Create an anonymous, kink-specific account for yourself, and follow a bunch of kinksters. You need some role/sole models!)


Santorum, DTMFA, pegging, GGG, the Campsite Rule, monogamish—you’ve coined a lot of interesting and useful terms over the years, Dan, but it’s been a while since you rolled out a new one. You can consider this a challenge.

Neo-Neologisms, Please!

I’ve got two for you, NNP.

Harnies (pronounced like “carnies”): Vanilla guys who attend big, gay leather/rubber/fetish events like International Mr. Leather or Folsom Street Fair in harnesses. A harnie owns just one piece of fetish gear—his harness, usually purchased on the day of the event, often in a neon color, never to be worn during sex—and pairs his harness with booty shorts and sneakers. Kinky guys old enough to remember when vanilla guys wouldn’t be caught dead at fetish events prefer having harnies around to the kink-shaming that used to be rampant even in the gay community. And most kinky guys are too polite to tell harnies that harnesses aren’t merely decorative. Someone should be able to hold on to your harness while they’re fucking you, or add ropes if they want to tie you down. So if your harness is made out of stretchy fabric—like lime-green Lycra—then it’s not a harness; it’s a sports bra. Kinky guys are also too polite to tell harnies when they’re wearing their harnesses upside down or backward.

With Extra Lobster: There are food carts in Iceland that sell delicious lobster stew, lobster rolls and lobster sandwiches. The menu at the cart my husband and I kept returning to when we visited Reykjavík included this item: “With Extra Lobster.” You could order your lobster with extra lobster! Lobster is a luxurious and decadent treat, and getting extra lobster with your lobster kicks the luxury and decadence up a big notch. “With extra lobster” struck me as the perfect dirty euphemism for something. It could be something very specific—say, someone sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they’re deep-throating your cock. We could describe that as a blowjob with extra lobster. Or it could be a general expression meaning more of whatever hot thing gets you off. I’m open to your suggested definitions of “with extra lobster.” Send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.!

On the Lovecast, Dr. Zhana on squirting: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 21-year-old woman, and I have an IUD. I’ve had sex with quite a few men, and one thing seems to be almost constant among them: trying to fuck without condoms.

Many of the men I’ve been with seem to be perfectly fine and terribly eager to have sex without condoms. This has always angered me. They generally assume or make sure I’m on birth control, which they immediately take to mean condom-free sex is welcome. I don’t want to have sex without condoms without being in a committed relationship. I know people cheat, and monogamy doesn’t mean STIs won’t happen, but it’s a risk I’m comfortable with. I’m so annoyed by how often men try to get out of using condoms (it’s often persistent, even with people I’ve been seeing a while) that I want to start lying and saying I’m not on birth control.

The risk of a baby seems to be the only STI most men are concerned with. Is it all right for me to lie and say I’m not on any birth control and explain why I lied later on if things get serious?

I’m Understandably Distressed

Let’s get this out of the way first: You’re right, IUD; sexually transmitted infections (STI) do happen to people in monogamous relationships. People cheat; people lie; people contract; people transmit. A 2015 study found that people in consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships were no more likely to contract an STI than people in monogamous relationships. The reason? If a person in a monogamous relationship screws around and doesn’t use a condom, they can’t ask their partner to start using condoms again without drawing attention to their infidelity. If someone in a CNM relationship asks their primary partner to start using condoms again—because a condom broke or fell off or didn’t wind up on a cock for some other reason—they’re drawing attention to their fidelity.

Moving on … right again, IUD: Babies do seem to be the only STI many men are worried about. Australian researchers conducted a large study about stealthing—the deeply shitty, rape-adjacent practice of surreptitiously removing the condom during intercourse—and they were shocked to discover how common this deeply shitty practice seems to be.

“The researchers estimated in advance that approximately 2 percent of the sample would report having been stealthed,” sex researcher Justin Lehmiller wrote in a blog post looking at the results of the study. “In fact, 32 percent of the women and 19 percent of the men surveyed reported having experienced stealthing. … A majority of both groups reported discussing the event with their partner afterward, and most also reported feeling emotionally stressed about it. A majority also considered stealthing to be a form of sexual assault. These results suggest that stealthing is not a rare occurrence, and we would do well to study it further.”

The researchers didn’t ask heterosexual men about being stealthed, and as Lehmiller points out, there are some scattered reports out there about women poking holes in condoms before sex or retrieving them after sex. We don’t need a study to tease out the motives of these women—they want to have a child and don’t care whether their partners do (and that is not OK)—but we could use a study that asked heterosexual men about their motives for stealthing. One question we should put to these assholes: Are they more likely to “go stealth,” i.e., to sexually assault a woman, if they know her to be on some other form of birth control? Or are they just so wrapped up in their own momentary sexual pleasure that they don’t give a shit about babies or any of the other STIs?

Moving on to your actual question …

Can you lie? Of course you can. Should you lie? In the case of a casual-sex partner who might not have your best interests at heart, i.e., some total rando you want to fuck but aren’t sure you can trust, I think you can lie and should lie. This lie doesn’t do him any harm; it’s not like you’re telling him you’re on birth control when you’re not. And if telling this lie inspires some rando to be more careful about keeping the condom on (sometimes condoms fall off by accident), then it’s a lie that made the sex safer for you and for him.

And if you get serious about someone you initially lied to about having an IUD—if some dude makes the transition from hot rando to hot boyfriend—and he reacts badly when you tell him the truth, just say (or text) this to him: “I could have waited to fuck you until I was sure you were a good guy. But then you would have missed out on all the awesome sex we’ve had up to now. Would that have been better? And by coming clean now, I’m basically saying that I think you’re a good guy that I can trust. I know that now, but I didn’t always know it, because I’m not psychic. Now, do you want to raw-dog me, or do you want to complain?”


My girlfriend opposes sex work because she believes it oppresses women. Early in our relationship, she demanded to know if I had ever paid for sex, because she couldn’t be with me if I had. And I told her the truth: “No, never.” She didn’t ask if I’d ever been paid for sex. (One guy; he blew me; no women were oppressed because no women were involved; it happened twice.) Do I need to tell her?

Two-Time Gay For Pay

Nope.


My partner is too embarrassed to raise this question with his doctor: Is it safe for me to drink my partner’s urine? He’s HIV-positive, but his viral load is undetectable. I know that other STIs could potentially be passed on to the watersports receiver through urine. My partner has been tested for everything and has no other STIs.

He is worried that his urine could contain enough of his antiretroviral drugs (Tivicay and Descovy) to do me harm. He is particularly worried that I might suffer from the side effects of those drugs. I am not currently on any medications. I believe that his fear stems from when he was on chemo drugs for something else. Nurses treating him then advised me not to use his hospital bathroom so that I would not possibly be exposed to any chemo-drug residue.

I know that you’re not a doctor—but could you ask a doctor for us?

Ingesting Medicines

“This one is easy,” said Dr. Peter Shalit, a physician who has been treating people with HIV/AIDS for 30 years. “Tivicay and Descovy are very benign medicines with very little potential toxicity in standard doses. If one were to drink the urine of someone taking these medicines, there would be essentially no Tivicay, as this medicine is excreted by the liver, not the kidneys. The remnants of the drug are excreted in the feces, so to get significant exposure to secondhand Tivicay, you’d have to eat … well, never mind.”

As for Descovy—that’s actually two medicines in one. First, the bad news: Emtricitabine and tenofovir alafenamide, the meds in Descovy, are excreted in the urine. And the good news: “The amount of Descovy that would be in one liter of urine is much less than a single pill’s worth,” said Dr. Shalit, who is also a member of the American Academy of HIV Medicine. “Since these medicines are intrinsically very safe to begin with, in my opinion, the health risk from exposure to the small amounts that may be found in urine is negligible. Don’t worry about it.”

On the Lovecast, Andrew Gurza on dating with disabilities: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m an early-30s hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We’ve been together 10 years, married seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc. We have sex fairly regularly, and it’s not bad.

However, his primary sexual fetish and main turn-on is furry porn—namely, cartoon images. He doesn’t self-identify as a furry; he doesn’t have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was up front about this with me once we started getting serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He seems only marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more-intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn’t allow me to meet him halfway. Real-life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him. (I’ve offered.) We have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I’ve found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on.

I consider myself a fairly sexual person, and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. We’re talking about starting a family, and I’m scared that the pressures that come with parenthood would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

Nothing I write is going to fix this—and nothing I write is going to fix him, FURS, not that your husband is broken. He is who he is, and he had the decency to let you know who he was before you married him. But nothing I write is going to put you at the center of your husband’s erotic inner life. Nothing I write is going to inspire him to initiate more (or at all) or cause him to be more enthusiastic about sex. Nothing I write is going to make your husband want you the way you want to be wanted, desire you the way you want to be desired, and fuck you the way you want to be fucked.

So the question you need to ask yourself before you make babies with this man—the question I would have urged you to ask yourself before you married this man—is whether you can live without the pleasure you get from being desired. Is that the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this man? Maybe it once was, but is it still? Because if monogamy is what you want or what he wants or what you both want, FURS, then choosing to be with this man—choosing to be with someone you enjoy spending time with, who’s “not bad” at sex, whose most passionate erotic interests direct him away from you—means going without the pleasure of being wanted the way you want to be wanted, desired the way you want to be desired, and fucked the way you want to be fucked.

Your husband was up front with you about his sexuality before you got married. Everyone should be, of course, but so few people are—particularly people who have been made to feel ashamed of their sexuality or their fetishes or both—that we’re inclined to heap praise on people who manage to clear what should be a low bar. At the time, you mistook “emotional openness” and your willingness to accept his sexuality for both sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction. I think you owe it to yourself to be up front with your husband before you have kids. He’s getting a good deal here—decent sex with the wife and the freedom to take care of needs his wife can’t meet. And you’re free to ask for a similar deal—decent sex with your husband and the freedom to take care of needs your husband can’t meet.

There’s a far greater degree of risk involved in you going outside the relationship to feel desired, of course; you seeing another man or men comes bundled with emotional and physical risks that wanking to furry porn does not. This isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison. But if your shared goal as a couple is mutual sexual fulfillment—and that should be every couple’s goal—and if you want to avoid becoming so frustrated that you make a conscious decision to end your marriage (or a subconscious decision to sabotage it), FURS, then opening up the relationship needs to be a part of the discussion.


Please discuss cuckolding in all its forms, and also all of the emotional risks and potential sexual rewards.

A Potential Cuckoldress

It would take two years’ worth of columns—even more—to discuss cuckolding in all its forms, unpack all the risks, and game out all the potential rewards. Since I can’t possibly do that, APC, I’m going to send you to Keys and Anklets (keysandanklets.com), a terrific podcast dedicated to “the cuckold and hotwife lifestyle.” The host, Michael C., is engaging, funny and wise, and his interviews with cuck couples and bulls are incredibly illuminating. If you’re considering entering into a cuckold relationship, you’ll definitely want to start listening to Keys and Anklets.


I’m a 20-something woman engaged to a wonderful 20-something man. I’m the kinky one. I’ve dabbled in BDSM and definitely have a taste for pain and degradation. My boyfriend, meanwhile, considers himself a feminist and struggles with degrading me. I’ve been very patient and settled for very vanilla sex for a couple of years now. However, every now and then, he’ll joke about peeing on me when we shower together. I’m curious about watersports and would totally give it a try! I’ve tried to get more information from him on where these jokes are coming from, but he always changes the subject. And recently when I tried to make a joke back, I said the absolute wrong thing: “OK, R. Kelly, settle down.” This was right before we watched Surviving R. Kelly. I’m afraid that joke may have sent any potential watersports play down the toilet. (Pun intended!)

Any advice on how to get him to open up the next time he makes one of these jokes?

Wants A Totally Exciting Relationship

You might want to reread the first letter in this week’s column, WATER, and then dig into the Savage Love archives and check out the thousands of letters I’ve responded to from people who failed to establish basic sexual compatibility before marrying their partners. Settling down requires some settling for, of course, and everyone winds up paying the price of admission. But sexual compatibility is something you want to establish before the wedding, not after.

At the very least, WATER, don’t marry a man to whom you can’t make simple observations about sex and ask simple questions about sex. Like this statement/question/statement combo: “You joke about peeing on me, and I want to know if you would actually like to pee on me, because I would like to be peed on.”

Pissing on you doesn’t make him R. Kelly, a man who has been credibly accused of raping underage girls, and sexually and emotionally abusing—even imprisoning—adult women. If R. Kelly had raped numerous women and girls in the missionary position, WATER, all the other men out there who enjoy sex in the missionary position don’t become rapists by default. Where there is consent—enthusiastic consent—then it, whatever it is (missionary position sex, peeing on a partner), isn’t abusive. Sex play involving pain or degradation often requires more detailed conversations about consent, of course, but jokes and hints are a shitty way to negotiate consent for any kind of sex. Always go with unambiguous statements (“I would like to be peed on”) and direct questions (“Would you like to pee on me?”).

On the Lovecast, a case against Grindr for online harassment: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a middle-aged man dating a younger guy. He wanted to be a “boy” to a Dom top daddy, and I was happy to oblige. The sex is amazing, and we click as people, too. Then a couple of days ago, he told me he wanted to explore small penis humiliation (SPH). I was taken aback—not by the request, but because his penis is NOT small! It’s not huge, but it’s at least average—and it’s thick! I’m not super-hung, so it’s not that he seems small in comparison—I have maybe an inch on him. When I pointed this out, he claimed I was just trying to make him feel better about his small size! He said I was patronizing him. He ended the conversation by saying he would drop it, since it was obviously making me uncomfortable.

Honestly, I am uncomfortable with it. I just can’t imagine bringing myself to go on about how small his dick is when I’m actually thinking how much that thing would hurt if he were to top me. But my bigger concern is that doing SPH might feed into possible body dysmorphia. The way he reacted to being told his penis wasn’t small was a red flag—it told me this isn’t just a fantasy. It’s not that he wants to be made to FEEL it’s small; he really believes it is small. How is this different from telling a skinny boyfriend what a big fat pig he is?

I really like this guy, and I think this could go somewhere. I want to be GGG, but not at the cost of his mental health.

Need Objectivity, Savage, Please Help!

“The boy expressed a desire to play out a specific scene; he did not request a fact-check on his dick size,” said Dr. Reece Malone, a board-certified sex therapist with a doctorate in human sexuality. “The boy’s disappointment is understandable, especially if he was feeling hopeful that the request would be met with enthusiasm and mutual excitement.”

Your boy was probably nervous when he brought SPH up, NOSPH, and his reaction to your reaction—his complaints about feeling patronized, and his demand to drop the subject—was likely motivated by shame. Not shame about the size of his dick, but shame about this particular kink. He was open with you about other kinks right away, but sharing those kinks probably didn’t make him feel as vulnerable as sharing this one did. He held SPH back until he felt he could really trust you. And after he worked up the nerve to tell you about his biggest turn-on, your response was to argue with him about whether his dick is small enough to qualify him for SPH play. “I think it’s important that NOSPH revisit the conversation to examine if his reaction felt shaming,” said Dr. Malone.

“While I appreciate NOSPH’s concerns,” continued Dr. Malone, “SPH scenes don’t require one to have a small dick. It’s fully engaging in the role-play itself that’s hot and exciting. It really is no different if a daddy’s skinny boyfriend wanted to engage in a fantasy where the thought of being a ‘big fat pig’ was hot and exciting for him.”

Now, if he had a history of bulimia, telling him he’s a “big fat pig” could be harmful; likewise, if he had a history of bigorexia, telling him he’s a “skinny little shit” could be harmful. Your boyfriend may have a distorted idea about average dick size—most likely distorted by porn—but odds are good he’s one of millions of people out there who have eroticized their anxieties and insecurities. So long as he isn’t contemplating some dangerous or stupid way to make his cock bigger (like getting liquid silicone injected into his genitals, something that led to the death of a gay man in Seattle last year), you can engage in SPH without doing him harm.

“But NOSPH should ask more questions and engage in a dialogue on how his boy wants the scene played out, and if and how it would change their sexual dynamic overall,” said Dr. Malone. “It’s also fair for NOSPH to share his own concerns about feeding into body dysmorphia. He also has the right to set boundaries or decline the scene altogether.”

Agreed! Limits and boundaries aren’t just for subs, bottoms or slaves. Doms, tops, Masters and Mistresses get to have limits and set boundaries, too. If you can’t go there, you aren’t obligated to go there. But it might make you feel better about going there, NOSPH, if you bear in mind that you can mock his tiny cock (during sex play) and reassure him about his cock (during aftercare). If your boy doesn’t feel like he has to win an argument about how small his cock is to get the SPH he wants, he might be willing to admit—or finally be willing to accept—that his cock isn’t really that small.

You can learn more about Dr. Reece Malone and his work at reecemalone.com.


I’m a gay man in my late 20s finishing up a graduate program and dating a man who is 38. The sex is great. Some context: We met on Scruff and dated for a little bit. Then I suffered a loss in my family—I was sad and confused, and didn’t want a relationship during this time. We talked again in June 2018; we went to Pride in Minneapolis; and we have been together since December 2018. He recently hinted about children and my attitude toward children. I responded that I want to have children of my own someday. However, in a text, he stated that he wants a child in a year or two. This seemed like an ultimatum to me, one that could make or break this relationship, and I wonder why he kept this from me.

I do want children, but I’m still a starving student; a child is a huge responsibility; and I worry about the state of the world. And he texted this information to me! I feel anxious and pressured. What do I need to do?

Text Ultimatum May Unravel Loving Ties

Maybe you need to chill the fuck out, TUMULT.

People put their long-term goals on the table when they start getting serious about someone—long-term goals like the places they’d like to live or the kids they’d like to have—because if you’re not on the same page about the big stuff, continuing to make a large emotional investment in the relationship sets both partners up for heartbreak. And while you seem to think he should have brought kids up sooner (or in person, which definitely would’ve been better), people who bring up kids on the first date don’t get many second dates. Six months in is a perfectly reasonable time to bring kids up.

And where you see an ultimatum, TUMULT, I see an opening—the opening of negotiations. Your boyfriend would like to be a parent in a year or two. You would also like to be a parent, but not that soon. So make your counteroffer. If two years is too soon, tell him when you think you might be ready. Three years? Four? After you land a job in your field? After President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez signs the Green New Deal into law?

All your boyfriend is saying—all he’s texting—is that he sees a future with you and wants to know if you’re on the same page about the big stuff. It’s a compliment, TUMULT, not an ultimatum. And while there’s no compromising about whether to have kids—you can’t have half a kid (not legally)—you can hammer out a compromise about when to have kids.

Give the gift of the magnum Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

For 14 years now, Dan Savage—the newspaper editor, sex-advice columnist, author and pundit whose Savage Love column appears in each edition of the Independent—and his associates have produced the HUMP! Film Festival, a traveling, curated selection of short (i.e., five minutes or less) pornography films.

Yes, you read that correctly: It’s a porn film festival. However, it’s not that kind of porn. Well, OK, it is … except when it isn’t.

Make sense? No? You have questions? So did we, and Savage graciously agreed to answer some of our queries.

Before we get to those queries, here is the back story: HUMP! started in Seattle back in 2005, and the national tour of HUMP! began several years later. Anyone can submit films for consideration, of any sort, as long as they’re related to pornography—and the HUMP! producers take extreme steps to make sure these films never make it onto the internet (unless the filmmakers decide to put them online themselves).

Tell me about bringing HUMP! to Palm Springs. This is the first time it’s going to be here, correct?

It is. It has played in Los Angeles, but it’s never played in Palm Springs—even though a couple of Palm Springs residents won the HUMP! Best in Show award a few years back, for a film called Glory Hole. (Laughs.) … I think the folks there will really dig it.

To people who are unfamiliar with HUMP!—and, I admit, to some people like me who are familiar with HUMP!—it may seem a little weird to go and sit at the Camelot, where they have all sorts of wonderful events, with a bunch of people from my community, and watch porn. Describe to me why that isn’t so weird.

Because it’s a different kind of porn. When you’re watching porn at home alone, you are clicking only on porn of, well, immediate utility, if I may put it that way.

(Laughs.) That’s a perfect way to put it.

What HUMP! is, is a collection of shorts, five minutes or less, with pornography as the theme. Sometimes the pornography is explicit and hardcore; sometimes it’s softcore; sometimes it’s animation. There’s even a documentary about pornography this year at HUMP!, with people recalling when they first encountered porn, in the pre-internet era. There’s a musical number in this year’s HUMP!. … It’s not the kind of porn where you sit with a coat in your lap, and masturbate, or sit with a roll of paper towels at the ready. It’s porn that you enjoy for its artistic merits. You also get to see what really turns other people on, and that may not be what turns you on. It’s a window into other people’s passions.

When we started HUMP! we were curious whether we would get submissions, and whether anyone, particularly when it was only in Seattle, would make a porn short to be screened in the community where they lived, even with the promise that it would never go online. We got a lot of great porn, and then the question became: Would people come and sit in a movie theater, in the dark, next to strangers, and watch pornography the way their grandparents did, when their grandparents went to see Debbie Does Dallas or Behind the Green Door? And the answer is yes—a lot of people would. Not people who wanted to masturbate in their seats; these were people who wanted to really celebrate sexual diversity, and diversity of gender expression.

Certain people express squeamishness, for lack of a better word, about types of pornography or visuals that aren’t their thing. I know a lot of gay men act squicked out by female body parts, and I know a lot of straight guys who would never in a million years watch gay porn supposedly. So, how is it that you’ve managed to put all sorts of different types of porn together in HUMP!?

That’s magic of HUMP! It really is. You have audiences full of straight guys watching gay porn, and gay guys watching cunnilingus, and vanilla people watching hardcore kink porn, and cis people watching porn made by trans people to accurately represent themselves, not made by trans people to appeal to cis people.

We watch the audience … to make sure no one’s taking out a phone and taking a photograph or a video clip. There’s this thing that we see at packed screenings where at first, everybody’s thrown back in their seats by what’s not theirs—"not my kink,” “not my preferred gender partner,” “not my body type,” “not the age range I prefer.” At first, all anybody can see is what’s different and not theirs. But about a third of the way through, everyone is clapping and cheering for every film. No one’s having the wind knocked out of them anymore. There’s this moment where you can really see the audience’s perceptions shift. … Because in each film, the passion, the vulnerability, the sense of humor—all that is the same, and the humanity is the same.

It’s really kind of beautiful. I’m a gay dude—who 20 years ago or so would have been squicked out by women’s genitals—and I sit there, with my eyes open, and I watch cunnilingus on the big screen, and I don’t flinch. … What I’m tapping into is not their bodies or their genitals, really, but their passion.

That’s another part about HUMP! that’s really great: These are films made by friends and lovers. So nothing’s faked, and no one in the audience has to worry if somebody up there on the screen was doing it just for the money, or under duress. Everyone is up there because they wanted to share this side of themselves, and it’s really kind of magic.

Over the years that you’ve been doing this, what have been the biggest surprises in terms of taking this on tour?

They tried to shut us down in, I think it was Philadelphia, by getting us kicked out of the theater that we had booked. (Editor’s note: It was actually the Pittsburgh suburb of Dormont, in 2014.) What was so hilarious about that was everyone … has a cell phone. This idea that you can take pornography out of your community by keeping pornography out of a movie theater is ridiculous. That was very amusing.

What’s great about the tour is that we get many more diverse submissions now. It was in Seattle alone for a few years, and then just Seattle and Portland, (which is) not really a racially diverse part of the country, although it is sexually pretty diverse. Now that we’re touring, we get more different types of people, which is great.

But the biggest change is, in the first couple of years, we got a lot of submissions where people were trying to ape the conventions of commercial porn, mainstream porn, and audiences just didn’t respond to that. You almost got the sense over those first few years that audiences were editing the festival, letting filmmakers know by voting for the best films from the festival what they wanted to see more of; now we really don’t get those films where people are just trying to make a knock-off of some commercial porn they saw on Pornhub.

Is there anything in this year’s festival you find particularly interesting or unique?

There is a five-minute musical comedy set in the bathroom of a gay leather bar.

Oh my.

I promise you, you’ve never seen anything like it—on Netflix, on the networks, on HBO. It’s the sort of thing you could only see at HUMP!

That sounds either brilliant or horrifying, and I’m not sure which.

Well, it’s one of the award winners this year. Audiences thought it was pretty brilliant.

The HUMP! Film Festival takes place at 7:30 and 9:45 p.m., Friday, Feb. 8; and 7 p.m. and 9:15 p.m., Saturday, Feb. 9, at the Camelot Theatres at the Palm Springs Cultural Center, 2300 E. Baristo Road, in Palm Springs. Tickets are $24.49 (with fees included). For tickets or more information, visit humpfilmfest.com.

Published in Previews and Features

I’m a 40-year-old guy with a 30-year-old girlfriend. We’ve been together a year, and I can see a future with her. But there are problems. This girl comes after two minutes of stimulation, be it manual, oral or penile. As someone who takes pride in my foreplay/pussy-eating abilities, this is a bummer. She gets wet to the point where all friction is lost during PIV, and my boners don’t last. It’s like fucking a bowlful of jelly.

Part of me is flattered that I get her off, but damn it, I miss a tight fit! (Her oral skills aren’t great, either, so that’s not an option, and anal is a no-go.) I love to fuck hard, and that’s difficult when I’m sticking my dick into a frictionless void. Is there a way to decrease wetness? Help, please.

Can’t Last Inside Tonight

First things first: She’s not doing anything wrong, CLIT, and neither are you—at least you’re not doing anything wrong during sex. (When you sit down to write letters to advice columnists, on the other hand … .) She can’t help how much vaginal mucus she produces or how much vaginal sweating your foreplay/pussy-eating skills induce, any more than you can help how much pre-ejaculate you pump out. (Her wetness is a combo of vaginal mucus and vaginal sweating—the latter is not a derogatory expression; that’s just the term for it.) And all that moisture is there for a good reason: It preps the vagina for penetration. In its absence, PIV can be extremely painful for the fuckee. So the last thing you want to do is dry your girlfriend up somehow.

Now here’s something you are doing wrong: “It’s like fucking a bowlful of jelly,” “I miss a tight fit,” “Her oral skills aren’t great, either,” “I’m sticking my dick into a frictionless void.” You’re going to need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about this, CLIT. You’ll need to use your words, but you can’t have that conversation—not a constructive one—until you can find some less denigrating, resentful, shame-heaping words.

Again, she’s doing nothing wrong. She gets very wet when she’s turned on. That’s just how her body works. Too much lubrication makes it harder for you to get off. That’s how your body works. And this presents a problem that you two need to work on together, but insults like “bowlful of jelly” and “frictionless void” are going to shut the conversation down and/or end the relationship. So try this instead: “I love how turned on you get, honey, and I love how wet you get. But it can make it difficult for me to come during PIV.”

If you don’t put her on the defensive—if you don’t make her feel like shit about her pussy—you might be able to have a constructive conversation and come up with some possible PIV hacks. If there’s a move (clitoral stimulation) or an event (her first orgasm) that really opens up the tap, CLIT, save that move or delay that event until after you’ve climaxed or until after you’ve reached the point of orgasmic inevitability—if PIV isn’t painful for her when she’s a little less wet.

You can also experiment with different positions to find one that provides you with a little more friction and doesn’t hit her clit just so—perhaps doggy style—and then shift into a position that engages her clit when you’re going to come. And there’s no shame in pulling out and stroking yourself during intercourse before diving back in.

Be constructive; get creative; and never again speak of her pussy like it’s a defective home appliance, CLIT, and you might be able to solve this (pretty good) problem (to have).


I’m a woman in an open relationship of four years. I adore my partner. When we were first dating, it was casual, and there were no ground rules. During that time, I slept with a guy without condoms after he cornered me in a motel room. One of the biggest rules in my current relationship is to use condoms with other partners. My current partner has made it clear that he would consider exchanging fluids with someone else cheating. I’m worried he’ll somehow find out about that night in the motel room, and I feel bad keeping it a secret. If I tell him, there’s a chance that our relationship will end, and I’ll be living in my car. What should I do?

Burdensome Unbearable Guilt Sucks

This thing happened—or this thing was done to you—before you made a commitment to your current partner, BUGS, and before ground rules were established. I’m assuming you got tested at some point over the last four years; failing that, I’m assuming neither of you has developed symptoms of an STI over the last four years. (And condoms don’t protect us from all the STIs out there, so even if you did come down with something, your partner could have passed it to you.) So cut yourself some slack, BUGS: You had unprotected sex under a sadly common form of duress. Fearing something much worse, you “agreed” to unprotected sex—you agreed, but didn’t freely consent to unprotected sex. Too many men don’t understand that kind of fear or the de-escalation techniques women are forced to employ when they find themselves cornered by threatening men—de-escalation techniques that can include “agreeing” to but not freely consenting to sex, unprotected or otherwise.

You’re under no obligation to tell your current partner about that night, as it took place before you established your ground rules, so it’s not really any of his fucking business. And if homelessness is a potential consequence of telling your partner how you were pressured into sex you did not want, then you’re lying to him now for the same reason you went bare with that asshole back then: duress.


I’m a man in love with a woman half my age. We met shortly after I had to leave the city I was living in to escape a toxic relationship. I know this girl has feelings for me. My gut screams it. We also share a strange connection. It’s something I know she feels. She simply can’t help being tied to the energy I’m feeling.

A while back, I hurt her—unintentionally, but it hurt just the same. I was still not over my ex and very leery of ever experiencing that kind of pain in my heart again. The problem now is that this young woman won’t acknowledge her feelings for me. She swears she never had feelings for me. We found ourselves alone one day, and her actions were clearly indicating that she wanted to have sex with me, but her words prevented me from taking the opportunity.

How can I reach this girl? She knows I love her. I know I’m not wrong. She wants what I want. This love is not something I chose, and I’m beginning to resent it.

In Lasting Love

You are wrong. She does not want what you want. Your gut is lying to you. She is not in love with you. You do not share a connection. You need to listen to her words. She is not tied to the “energy” you are feeling. You have got to stop thinking with your dick. She was probably scared out of her wits when you managed to “find” her alone. You cannot reach this woman. She can sense your resentment, and she’s afraid of you. In all honesty, ILL, I’m afraid of you. Just as this poor woman most likely fears becoming one of the many women murdered every year by men they’ve rejected, I fear being the messenger who got shot. But you asked for my advice, ILL, and here it is: Get into therapy. You need help. And my advice for her, if she sees this, is to do whatever you must to protect yourself—up to and including moving away.

On the Lovecast, who are furries, and what do they want?: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love