CVIndependent

Wed09182019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I’m a heteroflexible married cis woman in my 40s. I’m also a POS cheater and a catfish. I really fucked up.

One year ago, I met an older man in an online fetish forum. He sent me an unsolicited PM, and we have talked for hours every day since then. My husband, whom I’ve been married to for more than 20 years, does not know that I am having an emotional affair. I have no intention of telling my husband what I’ve done. I have been honest with my online boyfriend about everything except my name, my age and the fact that I have a husband. (I know those are all really big things to lie about.) My boyfriend lied to me early on about his name, age and relationship status, but came clean out of guilt. So I had the opportunity to say that I lied, too, but I didn’t take it.

I know what I’m doing is wrong. My husband would be very hurt if he knew. And my boyfriend, who wants to make a life together, would be very hurt as well. I’m in love with both men, but I’m not leaving my husband. I know the only right thing to do is break things off with my boyfriend. I’ve tried multiple times: I’ve told him that he is better off without me, that I’m a bad person, and that he shouldn’t trust me. Each time, he convinces me to stay. We have not been physical. We have never even been in the same room, much to his dismay. I have thought about telling him the truth, but I am worried about my safety, and I do not want to hurt him any worse than I already have. Plus, I’m a fucking coward. I am in treatment for PTSD. My therapist believes that my actions are a coping mechanism, i.e., it is easier to pretend to be someone else than it is to be me. I don’t think she’s wrong, but I also don’t think it excuses what I’ve done.

How do I end this relationship without doing any more damage to my two partners?

Conning And Tricking For Intensely Selfish Haven

Far be it from me to question your therapist’s assessment—she’s spoken with you on multiple occasions, and her insights are doubtless more informed—but I think her framing falls short.

She describes your actions as a coping mechanism: You told a stranger lies and abused your husband’s trust to escape your miserable life. If you weren’t so fucking miserable—if other people and/or circumstances hadn’t conspired to make you so fucking miserable—you wouldn’t have done this. You wouldn’t be doing this still. But despite your therapist’s efforts to help you down off that hook, CATFISH, you seem determined to hang there. She’s offering you absolution, in whole or in part, while you stand around flagellating yourself (“POS cheater,” “fucking coward,” “bad person,” etc.).

Personally, I think you’re entitled to your feelings. Go ahead and feel terrible. You did a bad thing. It’s not the worst thing someone’s ever done online, and most people know not to take what a stranger tells them on the internet at face value. But if feeling terrible doesn’t motivate you to make changes … well, it’s not for me to question your sincerity. But some people think it’s OK to do terrible things so long as they have the decency to feel terrible about having done them. If you’re not one of those people—if you actually feel bad—doing something about it and learning something from it will alleviate your misery.

Here’s what you need to do: End things with your boyfriend. Write him an e-mail; tell him the truth about your age, marital status and unavailability. Don’t share your real name with him; you’re under no obligation to do so, and if he turns out to be the vindictive type, CATFISH, you don’t want him to have your real identity. Apologize for not coming clean when he did—he lied to you, too, at the start—and thank him for the pleasure of his virtual company and the joy he brought to your life. Then block him.

Here’s what you need to learn: You didn’t do this because you’re miserable—or you didn’t do it just because you’re miserable. You did this because it was fun. We call it “play” when children pretend to be someone or something they’re not; child’s play is also, yes, a coping mechanism. Vulnerable children pretend to be big and powerful superheroes and/or monsters to cope with and momentarily escape their relative powerlessness. And nothing makes a child’s playful fantasy feel more real than a good friend who plays along.

Most adults don’t make time for play—most of us aren’t LARPers or kinksters—but even adults need play, and some adults need play more than others. You found a space where you could play (that online fetish forum), and you found a playmate who helped make your fantasies feel real (a guy you’ve never actually met and who could still be lying to you about all sorts of things). It got out of hand when arousal, orgasms, oxytocin and promises you couldn’t keep got stirred into the mix. The play made you feel better at first, but the dishonesty and stress of deceiving two people eventually wiped out the benefits you were getting.

You need to find a way to build some play into your life, sexual and/or nonsexual, that doesn’t require you to lie or hide. It would be great if you could do that with your husband, CATFISH, but if he’s not willing or able to play with you, get his OK to play on your own.


I am a 70-year-old straight woman, and I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for seven years. I feel deprived of physical contact, but I also have some obstacles to pursuing intimacy at this point in my life. My vagina is seriously out of shape. In fact, it was a challenge to have sex with my last partner, because he was rather well-endowed. I had to work up to it, but it finally worked. My libido is on the low side, but it still flares up now and then. I also have herpes, plus I’m taking an antidepressant that makes it hard for me to orgasm. But even with all that, I’ve enjoyed sex in the past.

Would it make sense for me to look for a man who may also have some sexual issues and/or be willing to work with/around mine? Someone who enjoys all the other aspects of sexual intimacy besides penis in vagina? How would I find such a man? I’m not necessarily just looking for sex—a compatible companion would be great.

Need Fresh Input

“NFI can have it all—sex, companionship, orgasms,” said Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age and The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50. “She just needs to find someone who realizes that partnered sex does not have to mean PIV.”

Your best bet for finding a man these days? Dating apps and websites, including dating apps for seniors. And don’t be shy about taking PIV off the menu, NFI, at least at the start.

“As we age, many of us find non-penetrative sex with hands, mouth and vibrator more comfortable, sexier and an easier path to orgasm,” said Price. “And that includes men with erectile difficulties or decreased sensation. In her discussions with a potential new partner, NFI should explain that she’d like to get sexual in stages—and then explore and delight each other sexually, including orgasms, without PIV as the goal. But if she might enjoy PIV in the future, she should keep her vagina active with solo sex including a dildo or penetrative vibrator. Don’t wait until the right penis comes along.”

Joan Price’s new book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After the Loss of Your Beloved, will be released soon. Follow her on Twitter @JoanPrice.

On the Lovecast, science says, weed = better orgasms: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m an adult man, and I have developed a trans attraction after following a particular Tumblr blog. That blog is now gone, sadly, since all adult content has been purged from Tumblr. It wasn’t just porn; it consisted of all the things I really enjoy—images of oil paintings and antique furniture, scenic landscapes, wild animals, and then pictures/gifs of trans women. Some women appeared to have had top surgery while others hadn’t. But all of the women featured on this blog had penises.

I had never considered a relationship with a trans woman before, but after browsing the blog for a year, I can honestly say I’d do it in a heartbeat. I would actually like to date a non-op trans woman. I know that many trans women don’t like having their male parts touched or acknowledged, but I didn’t know that a trans woman can only have a functioning penis if she isn’t taking female hormones, and I hadn’t considered the effect that might have on somebody’s gender dysphoria.

How can I meet a trans woman who is hopefully comfortable with her male parts and seeking a relationship? I live in a conservative Bible Belt state—Utah—and I am woefully uneducated on this subject.

Girl’s Heart, Man’s Parts

“My penis and balls aren’t ‘man’s parts,’” said Bailey Jay, the three-time AVN Award–winning transsexual porn star. “They’re mine. I own them. Not some random man.”

In fairness, GHMP, you acknowledge being woefully uneducated on trans issues, something your letter demonstrated again and again. But let’s start here: A trans woman doesn’t have boy parts. She has girl parts—unique girl parts, as girl parts go, but girl parts just the same.

“I’m on hormones, and my cock works great,” said Jay. “Every trans woman is going to be different and have different experiences, and that’s the best first bit of advice I can give GHMP. We can smell it a mile away when we are all being lumped in together as a concept. Treat any trans woman you’re romantically interested in as an individual.”

As for places to find trans individuals who might be up for dating cis men, well, you might want to sit down, GHMP, as this is pretty shocking.

“I’ve heard OkCupid is inclusive, and I have friends on there whose profiles even help people navigate discussing their bodies in a respectful way,” said Jay. “And finding a trans woman to date who hasn’t undergone bottom surgery is pretty easy. The surgery is expensive and even scary to some. It’s not terribly common that a trans woman has had that particular surgery.”

But just because a trans woman hasn’t had bottom surgery doesn’t mean she doesn’t want bottom surgery, so you shouldn’t assume a trans woman with a penis plans to always keep her penis.

“The real question is what her relationship is with her current genitals,” said Jay. “Maybe she’s very dysphoric about them. Maybe she doesn’t even want you to see them or touch them. Even if her body is your preference, there’s a chance it isn’t hers. I personally love my penis and even like talking about it. But bringing up genitals right away can make you seem insensitive or like you’re dehumanizing your date.”

Jay recommends looking for trans women on mainstream dating apps and then following their lead.

“Now, genitals and curt sexual dialogue are kind of my jam,” said Jay, “so I wouldn’t even flinch or blush. But this can be a very charged subject for people.”

Look to the profiles of trans women you’re interested in for cues about their approach to personal subjects. One woman might put it all out there and welcome questions about her experiences as a trans woman; another woman might be open about being trans but prefer not to focus on it.

“Still, never use genital questions as an icebreaker,” said Jay. “You’ll know when your evening with someone is going well enough that there’s a certain amount of trust,” and at that point, you may be able to bring it up.

“And please make sure to talk about both of your bodies,” added Jay. “This isn’t all about if her body is right for you. Make sure your body meets her standards and preferences, too. I always joke that cis men should have to disclose as well. Any expectation you find yourself putting on her, split the responsibility.”

You can find Bailey Jay at her for-adults-only website TS-BaileyJay.com.


I’m a 36-year-old trans man in Portland, Ore., and I’ve never been to a gay bar/venue while presenting male. I’ve only been once or twice years ago when straight friends went to watch drag shows and used the gays as entertainment. (Yeah, my old life was CIS HET as all fuck.) I have two questions: 1. I’ve heard a lot of stories about “gold star” gays who shame trans men and blacklist us. Any truth to that? Am I welcome in a gay space? 2. As someone who’s never dated/hooked up within the gay male culture, any newbie tips?

As for what I’m looking for, it’s really just about feeling validated and comfortable being in a men’s space. Sure, I’m horny as hell and would love nights full of hot anal sex, LOL, but I’m cool just starting with finding my swagger. I have no idea how my personality will develop around other guys. I have a puppy side, a pain-slut side, and a sadistic-top side—and I’m super-curious about exploring all my sides!

The Deep End

1. You are welcome in gay spaces—of course—but there are assholes in gay spaces just as there are assholes in every other kind of space. There may be fewer assholes as a percentage in gay spaces (untested hypothesis!), TDE, but that doesn’t make gay assholery any less aggravating.

And, yes, there are gay men out there who don’t want to sleep with trans men. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to sleep with tall men, short men, masculine men, femme men, big men, small men, vanilla men, kinky men and—yes—even cis men. Focusing on the guys who don’t want to fuck you—whether they’ve never slept with a woman (gold star) or just recently slept with a woman (homoflexible)—is a waste of time and energy. Focus on the guys who do want to fuck you. And they’re out there.

2. All things in moderation (including moderation); don’t fuck around with meth (or with guys who do); get on PrEP (to protect yourself from HIV); use condoms (to protect yourself from everything else); tip your bartenders; ask before you touch; and don’t make the bars your whole life.

And finally, TDE, seeing as you’re kinky, you might want to explore mixed kink clubs and spaces, online and off, in addition to gay bars. You’ll encounter your fair share of assholes in kink spaces, of course, but kinksters—particularly kinksters in your hipper urban locales—are often more open to trans folks than vanilla types. (Tyler McCormick, a trans man, won the International Mr. Leather competition way, way back in 2010.)


I’ve fallen into a social group of gay men who are kind of homophobic. They talk about bottoming and gayness as if they’re embarrassing things. It’s like they’re aspiring to be gay people who are really heterosexuals but just accidentally have gay sex.

The other challenge is that I find them attractive.

These Really Anti-Social Homos

Putting up with assholes just because they’re hot—yeah, you’re not doing yourself any favors there, TRASH, and you’re not doing those assholes any favors, either. Sooner or later, they’re going to age out of hot—and if they haven’t learned the importance of not being assholes by that point, they’re going to be lonely old assholes.

Losing friends due to your assholery is an important learning experience for many. Don’t cheat these guys of it.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with sex-workers-rights advocate Kaytlin Bailey: savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love Live stormed into Revolution Hall in Portland, Ore. Comedian Corina Lucas absolutely killed it before our sold-out crowd; singer-songwriter Elisabeth Pixley-Fink performed an amazing set; and two lovely couples competed in our first (and most likely last) Mama Bird Cupcake Eating Contest.

I wasn’t able to get to all of the audience-submitted questions, so I’m going to power through as many as I can in this week’s column.

How do you handle it if your partner constantly apologizes during sex? “Sorry, sorry, sorry …”

With sensitivity tact, and compassion—and if none of that shit works, try duct tape.

Should I continue to have casual sex with someone I’m in love with?

If it’s casual for them and not casual for you, and they’ve made it clear it will never be anything other than casual for them, you’re going to get hurt—which I suspect you know. Now, if you think the pain of going without sex with them will be greater than the pain you’ll feel when they inevitably meet someone else and move on, by all means, keep fucking them. (Spoiler: the pain of the latter > the pain of the former.)

Best tricks for a quick female orgasm and how to keep yourself from overthinking it?

My female friends swear by a little legal weed, where available (or a little illegal weed, where necessary), and a nice, big, powerful vibrator.

My five-year relationship ended abruptly. Is there a time frame for getting over it?

Studies vary. Some have found it takes the average person 11 weeks; some have found it takes half the length of the relationship itself; some have found it takes longer if it was a marriage that ended. But don’t wait until you’re completely over it to get out there—because getting out there can help you get over it.

Besides a fiber-rich diet, what are your tips for a newbie to anal play? Size is a BIG factor, and it’s creating a HUGE mental block whenever anything goes near my hole.

Start small, e.g., lubed-up fingers and small toys. And don’t graduate from tongues/fingers/toys to someone’s big ol’ dick in a single session. Start small, and stay small until your hole’s dread at the thought of taking something HUGE is replaced by a sincerely held, quasi-religious belief in the absolute necessity of taking something huge.

What is the formula for getting comfortable farting in front of a partner?

Same as comedy: tragedy + time.

In the era of online dating, how do you navigate the people who think the grass will always be greener and have difficulty committing to truly building a relationship?

The expression “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” has its roots in a Latin proverb first translated into English in 1545—which means the sentiment predates dating apps by, oh, roughly half a millennium. But the “paradox of choice,” or the idea that people have a hard time choosing when presented with too many options, has certainly complicated modern dating. But too many options beats too few, in my opinion, and it certainly beats no options at all, e.g., deserted islands, compulsory heterosexuality, unhappy arranged marriages, etc.

Any advice for a 22-year-old woman who meets only sad boys who need a mom?

Your handwriting is such that I thought you wrote “sub boys,” and I was going to respond, “Enjoy.” But then I reread your question: sad boys, not sub boys. OK, if you’re meeting only one type of person, or all the people you’re meeting have a certain character flaw, either you’re seeking that type of person out—consciously or subconsciously—or you’re projecting your own shit onto that person. This is a case where the best people to ask for a gut/reality check are your actual friends, not your friendly sex-advice columnist.

How good are cock rings? I tried a stretch-rubber one, and it was just uncomfortable. Is it worth more time and research?

Cock rings are made from all sorts of different materials, and it’s important to find the material (rubber, metal, leather) and fit (snug but not too tight) that works for you. I definitely think you should experiment a bit before giving up—cock rings are great. And, hey, did you know there’s a Wiki page with a lot of good info about cock rings?

Will you be my sperm donor?

Well, that depends. Are you male, between the ages of 25 and 55, and (my entirely subjective notion about what is) hot? Then sure!

My partner wants me to move in with him and have kids. He also wants an open relationship and to be able to father children for other women if they choose to be single moms. I’m not comfortable with that. How can I express this without blocking him from getting what he wants?

By not moving in with him, by not having kids with him, and by not continuing to partner with him.

Why wasn’t semen designed to stay in a woman’s vagina? It always makes a terrible mess. I hate waiting for it to leak out of me.

I wasn’t around when semen and vaginas were designed—I’m old, but not that old—and I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a designer. I’m also guessing leakage wasn’t a problem until our ancestors began walking upright about 4 million years ago.

My mother-in-law had episodes of amnesia after orgasm in her 50s. Have you heard of this? WILL IT HAPPEN TO ME?

I have not! I HAVE NO IDEA! I have also googled this for you, and—holy shit—it’s a thing, and it has a name: transient global amnesia (TGA). Apparently, any form of strenuous exercise can trigger TGA. So don’t fuck; don’t run; don’t bike! Just sit still and you’ll be fine!

What do you think is the most needed focus of left activism in the United States today?

Most needed: defeating Trump and combating climate change. Most prevalent: relitigating the 2016 Democratic primary.

My mom finishes every call with, “God bless you.” I’m not a believer, but it’s not something we could ever talk about. I usually ignore it; sometimes I say it back; but it’s always awkward. What should I do?

You should sneeze.

Thanks to everyone who came out to Savage Love Live in Portland! Savage Love Live is coming to Seattle, Denver, San Francisco (with Stormy Daniels!), Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis (also with Stormy Daniels!), Toronto and Somerville. For more info and tickets, go to savagelovecast.com/events.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with comedian Kate Willett: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a straight white woman in my early 30s. In theory, I’ve always been into men of all races—but in practice, most of my exes are Latino and white.

In September, I met this really handsome Chinese-American guy, and I feel like he rewired me. I’ve been exclusively attracted to Asian guys since. I’m not writing to ask if this is racist, because I’m not asking these guys to, like, speak Korean to me in bed or do any role-playing stuff. We just date and have sex—same as my past relationships. But if any of these dudes saw my Tinder matches, they’d be like, “This woman has a thing for Asian guys.” Which I do, but it’s pretty new.

Is this normal? Do people just change preferences like that? Also, can you do a PSA about Asian dicks? In my recent but considerable experience, they run the gamut from average to gigantic. If small Asian dicks were a thing, I would have encountered at least one by now. That shit is a myth.

Asian Male/White Female

Here’s my general take on race-specific sexual preferences: So long as you can see and treat your sex partners as individuals and not just as objects—we are all also objects—and so long as you can express your preferences without coming across as and/or being a racist shitbag, and so long as you’ve interrogated your preferences to make sure they’re actually yours and not a mindless desire for what you’ve been told you’re supposed to want (i.e., the currently prevailing beauty standard or its equally mindless rejection, the “transgressive” fetishization of the “other”), then it’s OK to seek out sex and/or romantic partners of a particular race.

I ran my general take on race-specific sexual preferences past Joel Kim Booster—a writer and comedian whose work often touches on race and desire—and he approved. (Whew.) I also shared your letter with him, AMWF, and Booster had some thoughts for you.

“It doesn’t sound like her newfound preference for Asian men has anything to do with the uncomfortable fetishization of culture,” said Booster. “It’s good that she’s not asking them to speak Korean or do any sort of Asian role-playing—something that’s been asked of me before (and it’s a bummer, trust). Her interest in Asian men seems to be mostly an aesthetic thing, which you certainly can’t fault her for: There are a lot of hot Asian dudes out there.”

Booster also had some questions for you.

“It’s not uncommon for people later in life to discover that they’re attracted to something they’d never considered sexy before—full-grown adults are out here discovering they’re bi every damn day,” said Booster. “But she went 30 years before she saw one Asian man she was attracted to? And now this guy has ‘rewired’ her to be attracted only to Asian men?”

He said that he would like to see a picture of this magical guy, AMWF, and I would, too.

“If she was chill about it and just started adding Asian men into the mix, this wouldn’t seem like an issue,” added Booster. “But from what I can gather, she has shifted to exclusively fucking Asian guys and feels the need to write a letter about it. That feels like a red flag, and yet I can’t pinpoint why.”

Maybe you’re just making up for lost time—maybe you’re getting with all the Asian dick you can now to make up for all the Asian dick you missed out on before you ran into that one impossibly hot Asian guy—and your desires/preferences/Tinder profile will achieve a racially harmonious equilibrium at a certain point. But whether you remain exclusively attracted to Asian guys for the rest of your life or not, AMWF, make sure you don’t treat Asian guys like you’re doing them a favor by sitting on their gamut-running dicks.

“I’m weary of people with a specific racial preference for Asian men. And it’s less out of a fear of being fetishized—though that’s certainly part of it—and more because of the implicit power imbalance that exists in those relationships,” said Booster. “It’s all artificially constructed by The Culture, of course, but I’m acutely aware that society views Asian men as less masculine and therefore less desirable. And I’ve learned that guys who have a preference for Asian men sometimes bring a certain kind of ‘entitlement’ to our interactions, i.e., ‘You should feel lucky I’m paying you this kind of attention.’ And that’s gross! It doesn’t sound like she’s doing that, but something about this letter makes me feel like she wants to be congratulated for being woke enough to consider Asian guys. She’d do well to keep this stuff behind the curtain—no one wants to feel like someone was into them only because of some witch’s curse a hot Chinese-American guy put on them at a bar.”

Follow Joel on Twitter @ihatejoelkim, and visit his website ihatejoelkim.com.


I’m a guy. I’ve been with my wife since 2006. She’s my sexy Asian babe. (Yeah, I’m that white guy who married an Asian woman—I’m a stereotype, but she isn’t.) In the bedroom, it’s great. I’m still madly in love with her two kids later, and she’s as sexy as ever. But she doesn’t like to give blowjobs—always been this way. When we were dating, she’d say I could go get blowjobs from someone else, but I always took it as a joke.

At 35, I’m hornier than I was at 25. And my sexual tastes have changed over the years—or they’ve expanded, maybe, since I now want to see what it’s like to get head from a guy. How do I convince my wife to agree to this? She’s afraid I might like it; I obviously hope I do. There’s nothing I want more than to get head on the way home and then be able to tell her about it and fuck her later that night. How can I convince her to let me do this while also being able to tell her about it and be truthful?

Horny Married Man

I’m not lumping your question together with AMWF’s in order to create some sort of hot-for-Asians-themed column. No, I’m including your letter—which arrived the same day—because it illustrates a point Booster made in his response to AMWF: “Full-grown adults are out here discovering they’re bi every damn day,” as he said, and you’re apparently one of them.

I can only assume that by “she’s afraid I might like it,” you mean you’ve already asked the wife, and she said no. You can ask again—maybe she’ll change her mind—but if the answer is still no, HMM, then the answer is still no. Maybe if this were a sexual adventure you could go on together, it might be more appealing to the wife. And it is, because just as there are dudes out there who love blowing straight married men, there are dudes who are up for blowing straight married men in front of their wives. So if you haven’t already proposed doing this in the context of a hot sexual encounter with a bi guy who’d also be into your wife, maybe you should.

As for your label, there are straight guys out there who can close their eyes and think about women while dudes blow them, i.e., straight guys capable of making the mouth-is-a-mouth leap. But you’re turned on not just by the idea of getting an enthusiastic blowjob; you’re specifically into the idea of getting one from a dude. That does make you bi, HMM … but for marketing purposes? Yeah, you’re going to want to go with straight.

On the Lovecast: Musical-theater nerds rejoice, it’s Andrew Rannells! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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My grandfather was a pillar of the community and beloved by his family. He was also sexually abusive. He died when I was a child. I remember only one incident happening to me—during a cuddle session, he encouraged me to put my mouth on his penis, and then told me to let it be our little secret.

I heard rumors as an adult that he molested other kids in the neighborhood. He also had a sexual relationship with my mother. She says nothing happened as a child. But as an adult, he started telling her he loved her in a romantic way. He told her he wanted to take nude Polaroids of her, and she let him. And she loved him—she and her sisters all pretty much idolized him. My one aunt knew (she said nothing happened to her), and I asked her how she reconciled that. She said she compartmentalized it—she thought he was a wonderful father and didn’t really think about the other stuff.

I did lots of therapy in the late 1980s and early ’90s. I read books; I journaled; I talked to my mom and tried to understand what she experienced. And I moved on as much as anyone could.

So now it’s 2019, and I’m almost 50. My mom just moved into a nursing home, and while cleaning out her drawers, I found the Polaroids my grandfather took of her. I know it was him, because he is in some of them, taken into a mirror as she goes down on him. They were taken over a period of years. She had led me to believe he never really did anything sexual with her besides taking photos. But he did. And here’s the thing, Dan: In the photos, she looks happy. I know she was probably acting, because that’s what he wanted from her. But it just makes me question my assumptions. Was it terrible abuse or forbidden love? Both? What am I looking at? What would I prefer—that she enjoyed it or that she didn’t? She kept the photos. Were they fond memories? I know she loved him. She kind of fell apart when he died. Was he a fucking manipulator who had a gift for making his victims feel loved and special as he exploited them for his own selfish needs?

I don’t know if I’m going to bring this up with my mom. She’s old and sick, and I dragged her through these types of conversations in my 20s. So I’m writing you. This is so far out of most people’s experience, and I want someone who has heard more sexual secrets than probably anyone else in the world to tell me what he thinks.

Whirlwind Of Emotions

I think you should sit down and watch all four hours of Leaving Neverland, the new HBO documentary by British filmmaker Dan Reed. It focuses on the experiences of Wade Robson and James Safechuck, two now-adult men who were sexually abused by pop star Michael Jackson when they were boys. Allegedly. It’s an important film to watch, WOE, but it’s not an easy one to watch, as it includes graphic descriptions of the sexual abuse both men claim to have suffered as boys.

The second-most-disturbing part of the film after the graphic descriptions of child rape—or the third-most-disturbing part after the credulity/culpability of Robson’s and Safechuck’s parents—may be what the men have to say about Jackson: Both describe their abuser in romantic terms. They both say they loved Jackson. And they both remain deeply conflicted about their feelings for Jackson then and their feelings for him now. It was their affection for Jackson—their desire to protect him and to safeguard what Jackson convinced them was a secret and a bond they shared—that led both men to lie to law-enforcement officials when Jackson was accused of sexually abusing different boys.

You should also listen to Reed’s interview on The Gist, Mike Pesca’s terrific daily podcast. Reading your letter the morning after I watched Leaving Neverland reminded me of something Reed said to Pesca: “What the film is about is the reckoning. It’s two families coming to terms with what happened to their sons. And a big part of understanding that, you know, (is)—so why the silence? Why did the sons keep silent for so long? Why did they keep the secret? And the key really is to be able to explain why Wade gave false witness and perjured himself on the witness stand. And the reason for that, of course, has to do with how survivors of sexual abuse experience that. And how they keep a secret, and how they sometimes form deep attachments with the abuser, and how that attachment persists into adult life.”

Your mother, like Robson and Safechuck, lied to protect her abuser, a man who abused her and abused you and probably many others. She may have held on to those photos for the same reason Robson and Safechuck say they defended Jackson: She loved her father, and she was so damaged by what he did to her—she had been so expertly groomed by her abuser—that she felt “loved” and “special” in the same way that Jackson’s alleged abuse once made Robson and Safechuck feel loved and special. So as horrifying as it is to contemplate, WOE, your mother may have held on to those photos because they do represent what are, for her, “fond memories.” And while it would be a comfort to think she held on to those photos as proof for family members who doubted her story if she ever decided to tell the truth, her past defenses of her father work against that explanation.

Leaving Neverland demonstrates that sexual abuse plants a ticking time bomb inside a person—shit, sorry, no passive language. Leaving Neverland demonstrates that sexual predators like your grandfather and like Jackson—fucking manipulators with a gift for making their victims feel loved and special—plant ticking time bombs in their victims. Even if a victim doesn’t initially experience their abuse as a violation and as violence, WOE, a reckoning almost inevitably comes. One day, the full horror of what was done to them snaps into focus. These reckonings can shatter lives, relationships and souls.

It doesn’t sound like your mother ever had her reckoning—that day never came for her—and so she never came to grips with what was done to her and, tragically, what was done to you. And your aunt wasn’t the only member of your family who “didn’t really think about the other stuff.” Just as denial and compartmentalization enabled Jackson and facilitated his crimes (and allowed the world to enjoy Jackson’s music despite what was staring us all in the face), denial and compartmentalization allowed your “pillar of the community” grandfather to rape his daughter, his granddaughter and scores of other children. Like Robson and Safechuck, WOE, you have a right to be angry with the adults in your family who failed to protect you from a known predator. That some of them were also his victims provides context, but it does not exonerate them.

I’m glad your grandfather died when you were young. It’s tempting to wish he’d never been born, WOE, but then you would never have been born, and I’m glad you’re here. I’m particularly glad you’re there, right now, embedded in your damaged and damaging family. By telling the truth, you’re shattering the silence that allowed an abuser to groom and prey on children across multiple generations of your family. Your grandfather can’t victimize anyone else, WOE, but by speaking up—by refusing to look the other way—you’ve made it harder for other predators to get away with what your grandfather did.

P.S. There’s a moment in the credits for Leaving Neverland that I think you might want to replicate. It involves some things one of Jackson’s alleged victims saved, and a fire pit. You’ll know what I mean when you see it.

On the Lovecast: Yikes! It’s the trigger show. Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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Let’s say my kink is edging, and I edge myself for a few days leading up to a date. Is it my responsibility to tell my potential partner?

There are a few variables here that are important to note. This is a first/Tinder date, and it’s just a coffee date, but she and I have talked about our expectations, and there will likely be a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue. I understand that it’s never cool to involve someone in your kink without their consent, but what are the rules here? On one hand, if I don’t divulge this information, I could see how my production of an unexpectedly large amount of ejaculate could be upsetting, depending on the circumstances/activity. But on the other hand, at least some amount of come is expected, right? If I randomly had massive loads every single time through no effort of my own, would I be responsible for letting a partner know? Perhaps it would be the polite thing to do. I guess I’d feel comfortable saying, “Hey, by the way, I produce very large loads,” if sex was imminent. But when you add the kink factor into the mix, I think something like that should be talked about before sex is “imminent.”

So what responsibility do I have to divulge this information? And if I do have a responsibility to divulge this, when would be the appropriate time to bring it up? I feel like it could be sexy to be so open about a taboo, given that we’ve already discussed the desire for a physical aspect to the relationship. But at what point between sex being “not off-limits” and “my parts are going to be interacting with your parts as soon as our clothes are off” is the right moment to disclose my kink?

What Ought One Do?

Let’s say … you blow that load. I can’t imagine your new friend will be shocked. Blowing loads, after all, is what men do* with their penises**, WOOD, and most people who are attracted to men are aware of this fact. And anyone who’s slept with two or more men is aware that some men blow bigger loads than others. Volume varies. Volumes vary between men, and the volume of an individual man’s loads can vary naturally or as the direct result of an intentional intervention, like edging.

Backing up for a second: Edging entails bringing yourself or being brought to the edge of coming over and over again. It’s about getting yourself or someone else as close as you can to the “point of orgasmic inevitability” without going over. Draw out the buildup to a single orgasm for hours or days—by edging yourself or being edged by someone else—and the resulting load will be larger than normal for the edged individual. But even so, an edged dude’s load can still be smaller than the load of a guy who just naturally produces more ejaculate.

In answer to your question, WOOD: No, I don’t think there’s a pressing need to disclose your kink to your date. If it gets sexual, she’s going to expect you to produce ejaculate at some point. And even if the load you wind up blowing is enormous, you’re not going to drown her or wash out her IUD.

Frankly, WOOD, your letter reads like you got baked out of your mind and sat up half the night trying to come up with an excuse to tell this woman about your not-that-kinky kink, and “I should tell her as a courtesy” was the best you could do.

If you want to tell her, go ahead and tell her. But since there’s no need to tell her that you sometimes like to stroke for a bit without climaxing, there’s a strong chance she’ll react negatively to your “courtesy” disclosure. Even if she’s made it clear there could be “a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue”—even if that’s not just dickful thinking on your part—she’s going to be scrutinizing you for signs that you aren’t someone she wants to get naked with. She’ll be looking for red flags at your first face-to-face meeting, and if you come across like a creep with piss-poor judgment—and a needless conversation about how much ejaculate you produce and why you produce so much ejaculate will definitely come across as creepy—then she may decide not to ensue with you.


I’m a queer man who usually tops with men. A bad first try at receiving anal at age 16 led me to not bottom for years. After seeing the looks of delight on my partners’ faces, I decided to give bottoming another go. I followed your advice—lots of lube and relaxation, a little weed—and tried lots of different positions and dick sizes. But no matter what, I never seem to get past the pain and into the pleasure zone. I enjoy being fingered and using a prostate massager, so I know my prostate is in there.

How many times should I try bottoming before I decide it’s not for me?

Twentysomething Into Glutes Had To Have Orgasms Lustily Elsewhere

There’s no set number of times a queer person has to try bottoming before deciding it’s not for them, TIGHTHOLE. A person—queer or straight—can make that call without ever having tried bottoming. An exclusive top who isn’t afraid of his own hole, i.e., a queer guy who enjoys being fingered and using a prostate massager, doesn’t have a hang-up; he’s just a guy who knows what works for his hole and what doesn’t. And that’s more than most people know.


A few days ago, someone broke into my house. Everything of value was taken—including my two dogs—but they left my clothes and stuff of that nature.

Last night, my boyfriend and I were getting ready to fuck, and I went to the drawer I keep all our sex toys in, and they were all gone. I’m not only upset because hundreds of dollars of toys were taken; I also feel violated. This person has not only violated me by coming into my home and taking things, but by taking something so personal and intimate. I survived rape and molestation by a family member who is in jail for his actions, so sadly, I know what it feels like to be violated. This has brought that violation back and makes me feel like that same vulnerable, helpless child I was so many years ago.

My boyfriend is being supportive, but I just feel so horrible and I do not know how to cope with this.

Thief Has Exhumed Family Trauma

I’m so sorry this was done to you, THEFT, and it’s perfectly understandable that this final violation—the theft of your sex toys on top of the theft of your other belongings and your dogs (!!!)—would dredge up painful memories of past sexual violations. I can’t offer you much beyond my acknowledgment of how awful this is and my sympathy. But if you’re having trouble coping, if you’re reeling from this, schedule a few sessions with a good therapist, someone who can help you process those feelings. I also think you should consider moving to a place that won’t be haunted by this violation, if possible, and your boyfriend should—when you’re ready—take you out and treat you to a few brand-new sex toys.

On the Lovecast, we got punked! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

* Not all men have penises; not all penises have men; not all men blow loads; not all loads are blown by men, etc.

** Not the only thing men do with their penises; some men don’t do that thing with their penises; some penis-havers don’t do that thing as men, etc.

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I'm a gay guy in my late 40s with a straight sister in her early 50s. She’s been married for a bit more than two decades to a guy who always registered as a “possible” on my average-to-good gaydar. But I put “BIL,” aka my brother-in-law, in the “improbable” bucket, because he actively wooed my sister, was clearly in love with her, and fathered four boys with her, all in their late teens now.

I’m sure you already saw this plot development coming: It turns out BIL has been far more “probable” than I thought. He has a boyfriend but is still very much closeted and denies he is gay. My sister has apparently known about this arrangement for four years, but has kept it a secret for the kids’ sake. But she recently filed for divorce and told our parents and me what’s been going on. Their kids have been informed about the divorce, but not about their father’s boyfriend.

BIL needs to gay-man-up and admit the truth to himself and the rest of his family and start the healing process. That’s obvious. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can talk him into it (we’re not close), and my sister is left holding this terrible secret while her bewildered kids watch their parents’ marriage crumble with no clue why. I think the kids deserve the truth, and that neither my sister nor the kids can start to heal until that happens. If BIL won’t do the right thing, my sister is going to have to tell them the truth.

What can I do to help her with this? She’s awfully fragile right now, and I don’t want to pressure her. I can’t tell the kids without causing a big stink. But dammit, Dan, someone needs to start speaking some truth in that house.

Dishonest Gay Brother-In-Law

Secret second families—and a secret boyfriend of four years counts—aren’t secrets that keep. So your nephews are gonna find out about dad’s boyfriend sooner or later, DGBIL, and sooner is definitely better. Because in the absence of the actual reason why their parents are splitting up—in the absence of the truth—they’re likely to come up with alternate explanations that are far worse. And when they inevitably discover the real reason, your nephews’ anger at having been lied to or left in the dark will reopen the wounds.

Backing way the hell up: Seeing as BIL actively wooed and “was clearly in love with” your sister, and seeing as he successfully scrambled his DNA together with hers four times and remained married to her for two decades, DGBIL, I don’t think BIL is a closeted gay man. My money’s on closeted bisexual man.

I shall now say something that will delight my bisexual readers: I’m sure you’d like to live in a world where everyone is out, DGBIL, or, even better, a world where no one ever had to be in. But in the world we live in now, bisexuals are far less likely to be out than gays and lesbians, DGBIL, and the belief that a guy is either gay or straight keeps many bisexual guys closeted. Because if a bisexual guy who’s married to a woman knows he’s going to be seen as gay if he tells the truth—if no one will ever believe he loved his wife or wanted all those kids—he’s unlikely to ever come out. So you can’t fault BIL for not being out, DGBIL, when it’s attitudes like yours that keep bi guys closeted in the first place.

I shall now say something that will piss off my bisexual readers: A family-minded bi guy can have almost everything he wants—spouse, house, kids—without ever having to come out so long as that bi guy winds up with an opposite-sex partner. Coming out is a difficult conversation, and it’s one many bi people choose to avoid. And who can blame them? I wasn’t thrilled by the idea of telling my mom I put dicks in my mouth, but it was a conversation I couldn’t avoid. Faced with the choice between telling my mother the truth and possibly being rejected by her and thereby losing her, or cutting her out of my life in order to keep my secret and definitely losing her, I chose to tell her the truth. If I’d been, say, your average hetero-romantic bisexual man instead of a huge homo—if I enjoyed sex with men and women but only fell in love with women—I could’ve avoided coming out to her and very well might have.

Back to your nephews, DGBIL: They should be told the truth, but you shouldn’t be the one to tell them. Their parents should. Sit down with your sister, and make the argument I did above: Yes, your kids are upset about the divorce, and it will add to their upset to learn their father is in a relationship with a man. But they’re going to be angry about being lied to when they inevitably find out. And if she’s keeping this secret solely at BIL’s request, well, he can’t ask that of her if doing so will damage her relationship with her kids. I don’t think she should immediately out BIL, but she can and should let him know that she will need to tell the children if he doesn’t.

You should have a conversation with BIL. Open it by telling him that life is long; marriages are complicated; and you know he loved your sister. But to stick the dismount here—to end his marriage without destroying his relationship with his kids, he can’t hide from them. If he doesn’t want to tell his boys about his boyfriend because he fears he might lose them, DGBIL, then he’ll have to cut his kids out of his life—and that means losing them for sure.

And then butt the fuck out.


I’m a 24-year-old lesbian, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now. She’s incredible, but she isn’t completely out of the closet yet. I’ve been out since 2010. She’s only come out to a couple of her really close friends. I understand that everyone is different, and it takes some people longer than others, but I can’t help the fact that it hurts my feelings.

I don’t express this to her, because I don’t want to be the reason she does something she’s not ready to. But at the same time, it’s killing me, and she doesn’t even know it. We are compatible in every way possible: sexually, emotionally and spiritually. But I can’t help but feel she’s ashamed of me. I know that sounds selfish, but I want someone who will scream my name from the rooftop.

I bring her around all my friends, family and co-workers. She’s fully a part of my life, and I feel like I’m never going to be fully a part of hers. What do I do? Set a time limit? She makes me so fucking happy, but I’m starting to resent her for this, and I don’t want to feel that way. Your thoughts, please!

Being A Secret Hurts Every Day

Two thoughts …

1. Your girlfriend is keeping a secret from her family and friends, BASHED, and she has to hide you to protect that secret. You’re keeping a secret from your girlfriend: Being hidden, being treated like her dirtiest secret, is making you miserable. Tell her how you feel about being hidden—because she needs to know being hidden is making you miserable.

2. “Don’t date closet cases” is one of my rules for out folks, BASHED, but there are exceptions to every rule. If an out person meets someone on their way out or someone who, for good reasons, can’t come out this minute (they’re dependent on bigoted parents) or possibly ever (they live in a part of the world where it’s too dangerous to be out), an out person can date a closeted person. But dating someone who can be out and isn’t and has no plans to come out? They’re not dating you; they’re dragging you back into the closet. Just say no.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Johann Hari about the depression epidemic: savagelovecast.com.

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Two weeks ago, a longtime reader challenged me to create a new sexual neologism. (Quickly for the pedants: You’re right! It is redundant to describe a neologism as “new,” since neologisms are by definition new: “ne·ol·o·gism noun a newly coined word or expression.” You got me!)

“Neo-Neologisms, Please!” was too polite to point it out, but my two most famous and widely used neologisms have been around so long—pegging (2001) and santorum (2003)—that they’re practically paleogisms at this point. So I accepted NNP’s challenge and proposed “with extra lobster.” My inspiration: On a visit to Iceland, I was delighted to discover that “with extra lobster” was a menu item at food carts that served lobster. This delighted me for two reasons. First, lobster is fucking delicious, and getting extra lobster with your lobster is fucking awesome. And second, “with extra lobster” sounded like it was a dirty euphemism for something equally awesome. I offered up my own suggested definition—someone who sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they’re deep-throating your cock is giving you a blowjob with extra lobster—and invited readers to send in their own. It was my readers, after all, who came up with the winning definitions for pegging (“a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo”) and santorum (“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”).

What follows are the best reader-suggested definitions for “with extra lobster,” with occasional commentary from yours truly …

• “With extra lobster” sounds to me like going down on someone—regardless of sex—when it’s a little more odoriferous than you would like, because they haven’t bathed in a while. For example: “Things were getting hot and heavy with my Tinder date last night, and then I started to go down and was surprised with extra lobster.”

• I think I have a good candidate for your “with extra lobster” definition! It could be applied to a man who has an exceptionally large and dangling foreskin (“His penis comes with extra lobster!”) or a woman whose labia protrudes (“I love pussy with extra lobster!”).

• When I first started dating my wife, she kept her lady parts waxed clean, and they looked a bit like a lobster claw, even being slightly red if the waxing was recent. We nicknamed her vagina and surrounding area “The Lobster,” or “Lobby” for short. So I would suggest that “with extra lobster” should mean anytime you get some extra lobster in on the act—from normal lesbian sex (two lobsters!), to a standard-issue male fantasy threesome (two lobsters and one cock), to a surprise second go-around after you thought the sex was over.

The area surrounding the vagina already has a name: the vulva. While most people are familiar with the labia majora and minora parts of the vulva, aka “the lips,” fewer know the name for the area between the labia minora. The spot where the opening to the vaginal canal can be found—also part of the vulva—is called the “vaginal vestibule.” According to my thesaurus, lobby is a synonym for vestibule. So this proposed definition of “with extra lobster” is pretty apt. Now, some will quibble with the lobby-ish implication that a vagina is a space that needs to be entered. One can have a good time—great sex with lots of extra lobster—without anyone being penetrated, i.e., without anyone entering the lobby.

• Extra lobster should be the name for those cock-extender things. Example: “My husband has a small penis. And you know what? The sex is great! He gives great head and isn’t afraid to strap on some extra lobster now and then.”

• As a vegan, Dan, I strongly object to “with extra lobster.” It reinforces the speciest notion that is it permissible to consume lobsters, sentient life forms that feel pain, and associating a sex act with the violence of meat consumption further desensitizes us to acts of sexual violence.

Fuck off.

• When you see a gorgeous ultra-feminine creature far more gorgeously feminine than my straight CIS ass will ever be. But under all the silks and stockings and satin panties … there’s a wonderful and welcome surprise! That girl comes WITH EXTRA LOBSTER!

• I’ve learned about fursuits from you, Dan, and so many other crazy things—like the guy who wanted to be sexually ravished and then torn apart and eaten by zombies. With that in mind, I think “with extra lobster” shouldn’t refer to a sex act. It should be ENTIRELY literal: an act of bestiality performed not with one lobster, but with two or more lobsters. (The zombie guy was what hooked me on “Savage Love.” I’m too shallow for the actual problems and stuff. More freaks, please!)

Too literal and too improbable—and euphemisms that describe things that have never happened or only happen very, very rarely are unlikely to enter the lexicon.

• I used to hook up with a cuckold couple with a particularly naughty fetish: I’d fuck the woman and fill her up, and then her man would eat it out of her. So, say you hooked up with a woman; let’s call her “Melania,” and her husband, call him “Donald,” ate her pussy after you filled her with come. Donald is eating pussy with extra lobster!

Sounds more like pussy with extra chowder to me—and what you’ve described already has a perfectly good (and widely-used) name: cream pie. And, please God, let’s leave Trump out of this. There’s no need to associate something so vile and disgusting with eating another man’s come out of your wife’s lobby.

• “With extra lobster” should refer to any intimate pleasure where your expectations are greatly exceeded! I’m a gay man in my 60s, and my husband and I have been together for decade. I also have a friend with benefits. One night, we were camping, and I blurted out, “I would like to cuddle with you.” What happened next was 12 courses—at least—with extra lobster! We’ve managed to rekindle this energy every couple of years over the past 25!

• I believe your example of “with extra lobster” regarding an extra WOW factor during something sexual is perfect and doesn’t need extra explanation. As the saying goes: Dan, you pegged it!

I agree with the last two letter writers: “with extra lobster” shouldn’t refer to any specific sex act—and it should never involve actual lobsters and/or mental images of the current president of the United States—but should, instead, be a general term meaning “expectations exceeded.” When someone really comes through for you, when they knock your socks off, when they make you see stars—when they really WOW you—then you got boned or blown or fucked or flogged or torn apart and eaten by zombies with extra lobster!

With that sorted and settled, here’s a bonus neologism to close the column …

This isn't a definition for “with extra lobster,” but I wanted to share it. I live in Uganda, and many of the streets are lined with stalls that sell BBQ chicken. If you know to ask for the special chicken, they’ll often sell you weed. “Special chicken” has become my favorite euphemism for weed!

On the Lovecast, the ethics of HIV disclosure: savagelovecast.com.

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I am a 56-year-old heterosexual man, and I have lived with ALS for the past six years. I am either in a wheelchair or in a hospital bed, and I have very little motor ability in my limbs. Like most or all male ALS patients, I still have full sensory ability, including a fully functioning penis.

Are there safe websites or groups I can connect with that deal with helping paralytics like me find people who are interested in hooking up? I’m talking about people who have a fetish for paralytics. I know that some people have a thing for amputees; I imagine there’s a fetish for any number of diseases or afflictions.

When I was healthy, I was into light bondage. That seems like a redundancy now, but I can still get into dress-up and role-play. I would be cool if someone was into the whole bathing, grooming, dressing thing, and whatever baby-doll fantasy they might have. Hell, I’d be happy if someone just wanted to give me a pity fuck!

Realistic About Getting Dominated Or Lustfully Laid

“I struggled to find any specific online groups with respect to ALS and sexuality,” said Andrew Gurza, a disability awareness consultant and the host of Disability After Dark, a terrific podcast that explores and celebrates the sexual agency and desirability of people with disabilities. “But what RAGDOLL is looking for might not be directly related to his specific disability. It sounds like he is looking to engage with a community of people called ‘devotees.’ These individuals are attracted to people primarily because of their disabilities, and that might be what he is looking for. I know a couple who used a devotee website to find each other, who dated and eventually married.”

If you’re open to playing with a devotee, RAGDOLL, Gurza suggests checking out Paradevo (paradevo.net), a website for “female devotees and gay male devotees” of disabled men.

“Many disabled people have also set up profiles on sites like FetLife to explore not only their fetishistic sides, but also how their disabled identities can complement and play a role in that,” said Gurza.

Now … many people, disabled and otherwise, look down on devotees, who are often accused of fetishizing disability and objectifying disabled people. But people who are exclusively attracted to the able-bodied and/or the conventionally attractive are rarely accused of fetishizing the able and ambulatory or objectifying the facially symmetrical. Which is why it has always seemed to me—and Gurza agrees with me on this point—that if being with someone who is turned on by your whatever-the-fuck is good enough for the able-bodied, it’s good enough for people with disabilities. Provided. of course. that, able or disabled, we’re appreciated for everything we bring to the table or the chair or the bed.

Ryan Honick, a disability advocate and public speaker, doesn’t think you should limit your search to websites aimed exclusively at the disability community.

“It’s estimated that one in five people have a disability,” said Honick. “And when I think about how challenging dating can be anyway—disability notwithstanding—my immediate thought is that RAGDOLL shouldn’t exclude 80 percent of the population from his search. So I would encourage him to use some of the mainstream apps—like Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble or Match—and put what he’s after front and center.”

Honick would caution other disabled people that putting your disability front and center—even on mainstream dating apps—is likely to attract the attention of devotees.

“RAGDOLL doesn’t seem like he would mind being with a devotee,” said Honick. “But those of us who do mind need to be a little more discerning. I’ve inadvertently attracted a fair number of people with a devotee fetish, and it honestly squicked me out.”

Zooming out for a second: Safety is always a concern when inviting a stranger over for sex, RAGDOLL, even for the non-disabled. In addition to attracting the attention of a few good and decent people, devotees or not, your relative helplessness could attract the attention of a predator. So before inviting anyone over, get their real name and their real phone number. Then share that information with a trusted friend—someone who can check in with you before and after a date—and let your potential new fuck buddy know you’re sharing their info with a trusted friend.

Second to last word goes to Honick: “Another option, if it’s available to RAGDOLL and he’s open to it, would be hiring a sex worker.”

And the last word goes to Gurza: “RAGDOLL shouldn’t resign himself to the idea that he’s a ‘pity fuck.’ His desires as a disabled man have full value and worth. And I want him to know, as a fellow disabled man, that he can have a fulfilling sex life, and that someone out there does find him attractive.”

Follow Andrew Gurza on Twitter @AndrewGurza, and follow Ryan Honick on Twitter @RyanLHonick.


I’m interested in mummification—being covered in layers of plastic wrap and duct tape—but I am not interested in sexual activity.

I created an account on what I have been told is the most popular hookup app for kinky gay men. I am not interested in sex with any gender. How can I determine if someone who agrees to mummify me can be trusted not to initiate sexual activity?

Wannabe Rare Aspie Perv

I assume the app you’re using is Recon, WRAP, as it’s the most popular hookup app for kinky gay and bi men. There are “FRIENDS” listings in the lower right-hand corner of each profile. Contact the friends of anyone you’re interested in playing with, and ask for a reference. Is this guy skilled? Can he be trusted? Does he respect limits, etc.? If the answers are yes, yes and yes, you can most likely trust him.


I’m a 44-year-old woman living in the Washington, D.C., area. I divorced my husband last year, and I haven’t had sex in seven years. Despite my premenopausal age and daily antidepressant, I’m horny as fuck.

How do you recommend I find someone to do me? I am a BBW and ready to get fucked. But I also want to protect my privacy, and I’m reluctant to post pics online. I’m aware I am a fetish for some, and I’ve been something of a “crazy-person magnet” in the past, and that’s a concern. I’m not looking for love. I just want to get done without meeting a psycho.

Like A Virgin Again

You can’t find someone if you aren’t willing to put yourself out there, LAVA, which these days means putting some pics up on dating apps. There are lots of dating and/or hookup apps and websites for bigger folks, some more fetishizing than others. (I did a little digging, and WooPlus.com seems to be legit and not overrun with feeders.) And who cares if someone spots your photo on a dating site? If Jeff Bezos refuses to be shamed by his dick pics—or blackmailed with them—you don’t have to be ashamed to show your face on a dating or hookup app.

As for avoiding “psychos,” LAVA, there are shitty, toxic people everywhere. Learn to recognize the signs, and take those red flags seriously. If you have a terrible track record—if you’ve found yourself with (or married to) a lot of shitty/toxic people—then you need to make sure you’re not the problem. Because if everyone you’ve ever dated was shitty or toxic, LAVA, there’s a better-than-even chance you were the shitty or toxic common denominator in a lot of failed relationships. Do the work—risk being introspective and self-critical—and if you’re not the problem, and you are incapable of spotting red flags, confide in a friend whose judgment you trust when you’re screening potential FWBs.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Eric Leue from the Free Speech Coalition: savagelovecast.com.

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Can I still be considered sex-positive if I personally do not have sex? I’ve never had sex or masturbated—all my life, any type of sexual stimulation has been very painful, and I’ve been unable to experience orgasm. I simply get a migraine and feel mildly nauseated instead. I am not looking for a possible solution, as I long ago accepted my fate and consequently avoid sex, such as by maintaining only sexless relationships. My question is simply: Can I still be considered sex-positive if I do not enjoy or engage in sexual activity?

Personally Loathes Unpleasant Sex

I consider myself cunnilingus-positive, PLUS, despite the fact that I could not personally enjoy (and therefore have never engaged in) that particular sexual activity. While I don’t think it would cause me physical pain, I would not be able to experience orgasm myself (through simultaneous self-stimulation) while performing cunnilingus, and my cunnilingus partner would be highly unlikely to experience orgasm, either (due to my ineptness). If I can nevertheless consider myself cunnilingus-positive under the circumstances—if I can consider myself a cunnilingus advocate—you can consider yourself sex-positive.


About twice a week, my wife gets up from the dinner table to have a shit. She won’t make the smallest effort to adjust the timing so we can finish our dinner conversation. She can’t even wait for a natural break in the conversation. She will stand up and leave the room when I am making a point. Am I rightfully upset, or do I just have to get over it? When I say something, she tells me it’s unavoidable.

Decidedly Upset Man Petitions Savage

“Let her have her poop,” said Zach Noe Towers, a comedian in Los Angeles who just walked into the cafe where I was writing this week’s column. “His Miss Pooper isn’t going to change her ways.” I would only add this: Absent some other evidence—aural or olfactory—you can’t know for sure that your wife actually left the room to take a shit. She could be in the bathroom scrolling through Twitter or checking her Instagram DMs. In other words: taking a break from your shit, DUMPS, not shitting herself.


My boyfriend goes to pieces whenever I am the least bit critical. I’m not a scold, and small things don’t bother me. But when he does something thoughtless, and I bring it to his attention, he starts beating up on himself and insists that I hate him and I’m going to leave him. He makes a scene that’s out of proportion to the topic at hand, and I wind up having to comfort and reassure him. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Boyfriend Always Wailing Loudly

Someone who leaps to YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE ME! when their partner wants to constructively process the tiniest conflict is being a manipulative shit, BAWL. Your boyfriend goes right to the self-lacerating (and fake) meltdown so that you’ll hesitate to initiate a discussion about a conflict or—god forbid—really confront him about some selfish, shitty or inconsiderate thing he’s done. He’s having a tantrum, BAWL, because he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions. And as the parent of any toddler can tell you, tantrums continue so long as tantrums work.


I’m a well-adjusted gay man in my early 40s, but I’ve never found a way to openly enjoy my fetish: I love white socks and sneakers. The most erotic thing I’ve ever seen is a cute guy at a party asking if he could take his high-tops off to relax in his socks. I’ve been in a couple of long-term relationships, but I’ve never been honest about this fetish with anyone. I’ve thought a lot about why stocking feet turn me on so much, and I think it must have something to do with the fact that if you are close to someone, and they want to spend time with you, they are more likely to take their shoes off to relax around you. I’m not sure what to do.

Loves Socks And Sneaks

I have to assume you’re out of the closet—you can’t be a “well-adjusted gay man” and a closet case—which means at some point in your life, LSAS, you sat your mom down and told her you put dicks in your mouth. Telling your next boyfriend you have a thing for socks and sneakers can’t be anywhere near as scary, can it? Also: There are tons of kinky guys all over Twitter and Instagram who are very open about their fetishes, LSAS. Create an anonymous, kink-specific account for yourself, and follow a bunch of kinksters. You need some role/sole models!)


Santorum, DTMFA, pegging, GGG, the Campsite Rule, monogamish—you’ve coined a lot of interesting and useful terms over the years, Dan, but it’s been a while since you rolled out a new one. You can consider this a challenge.

Neo-Neologisms, Please!

I’ve got two for you, NNP.

Harnies (pronounced like “carnies”): Vanilla guys who attend big, gay leather/rubber/fetish events like International Mr. Leather or Folsom Street Fair in harnesses. A harnie owns just one piece of fetish gear—his harness, usually purchased on the day of the event, often in a neon color, never to be worn during sex—and pairs his harness with booty shorts and sneakers. Kinky guys old enough to remember when vanilla guys wouldn’t be caught dead at fetish events prefer having harnies around to the kink-shaming that used to be rampant even in the gay community. And most kinky guys are too polite to tell harnies that harnesses aren’t merely decorative. Someone should be able to hold on to your harness while they’re fucking you, or add ropes if they want to tie you down. So if your harness is made out of stretchy fabric—like lime-green Lycra—then it’s not a harness; it’s a sports bra. Kinky guys are also too polite to tell harnies when they’re wearing their harnesses upside down or backward.

With Extra Lobster: There are food carts in Iceland that sell delicious lobster stew, lobster rolls and lobster sandwiches. The menu at the cart my husband and I kept returning to when we visited Reykjavík included this item: “With Extra Lobster.” You could order your lobster with extra lobster! Lobster is a luxurious and decadent treat, and getting extra lobster with your lobster kicks the luxury and decadence up a big notch. “With extra lobster” struck me as the perfect dirty euphemism for something. It could be something very specific—say, someone sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they’re deep-throating your cock. We could describe that as a blowjob with extra lobster. Or it could be a general expression meaning more of whatever hot thing gets you off. I’m open to your suggested definitions of “with extra lobster.” Send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.!

On the Lovecast, Dr. Zhana on squirting: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage; ITMFA.org.

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