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Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I’m an early-30s hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We’ve been together 10 years, married seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc. We have sex fairly regularly, and it’s not bad.

However, his primary sexual fetish and main turn-on is furry porn—namely, cartoon images. He doesn’t self-identify as a furry; he doesn’t have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was up front about this with me once we started getting serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He seems only marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more-intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn’t allow me to meet him halfway. Real-life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him. (I’ve offered.) We have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I’ve found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on.

I consider myself a fairly sexual person, and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. We’re talking about starting a family, and I’m scared that the pressures that come with parenthood would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

Nothing I write is going to fix this—and nothing I write is going to fix him, FURS, not that your husband is broken. He is who he is, and he had the decency to let you know who he was before you married him. But nothing I write is going to put you at the center of your husband’s erotic inner life. Nothing I write is going to inspire him to initiate more (or at all) or cause him to be more enthusiastic about sex. Nothing I write is going to make your husband want you the way you want to be wanted, desire you the way you want to be desired, and fuck you the way you want to be fucked.

So the question you need to ask yourself before you make babies with this man—the question I would have urged you to ask yourself before you married this man—is whether you can live without the pleasure you get from being desired. Is that the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this man? Maybe it once was, but is it still? Because if monogamy is what you want or what he wants or what you both want, FURS, then choosing to be with this man—choosing to be with someone you enjoy spending time with, who’s “not bad” at sex, whose most passionate erotic interests direct him away from you—means going without the pleasure of being wanted the way you want to be wanted, desired the way you want to be desired, and fucked the way you want to be fucked.

Your husband was up front with you about his sexuality before you got married. Everyone should be, of course, but so few people are—particularly people who have been made to feel ashamed of their sexuality or their fetishes or both—that we’re inclined to heap praise on people who manage to clear what should be a low bar. At the time, you mistook “emotional openness” and your willingness to accept his sexuality for both sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction. I think you owe it to yourself to be up front with your husband before you have kids. He’s getting a good deal here—decent sex with the wife and the freedom to take care of needs his wife can’t meet. And you’re free to ask for a similar deal—decent sex with your husband and the freedom to take care of needs your husband can’t meet.

There’s a far greater degree of risk involved in you going outside the relationship to feel desired, of course; you seeing another man or men comes bundled with emotional and physical risks that wanking to furry porn does not. This isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison. But if your shared goal as a couple is mutual sexual fulfillment—and that should be every couple’s goal—and if you want to avoid becoming so frustrated that you make a conscious decision to end your marriage (or a subconscious decision to sabotage it), FURS, then opening up the relationship needs to be a part of the discussion.


Please discuss cuckolding in all its forms, and also all of the emotional risks and potential sexual rewards.

A Potential Cuckoldress

It would take two years’ worth of columns—even more—to discuss cuckolding in all its forms, unpack all the risks, and game out all the potential rewards. Since I can’t possibly do that, APC, I’m going to send you to Keys and Anklets (keysandanklets.com), a terrific podcast dedicated to “the cuckold and hotwife lifestyle.” The host, Michael C., is engaging, funny and wise, and his interviews with cuck couples and bulls are incredibly illuminating. If you’re considering entering into a cuckold relationship, you’ll definitely want to start listening to Keys and Anklets.


I’m a 20-something woman engaged to a wonderful 20-something man. I’m the kinky one. I’ve dabbled in BDSM and definitely have a taste for pain and degradation. My boyfriend, meanwhile, considers himself a feminist and struggles with degrading me. I’ve been very patient and settled for very vanilla sex for a couple of years now. However, every now and then, he’ll joke about peeing on me when we shower together. I’m curious about watersports and would totally give it a try! I’ve tried to get more information from him on where these jokes are coming from, but he always changes the subject. And recently when I tried to make a joke back, I said the absolute wrong thing: “OK, R. Kelly, settle down.” This was right before we watched Surviving R. Kelly. I’m afraid that joke may have sent any potential watersports play down the toilet. (Pun intended!)

Any advice on how to get him to open up the next time he makes one of these jokes?

Wants A Totally Exciting Relationship

You might want to reread the first letter in this week’s column, WATER, and then dig into the Savage Love archives and check out the thousands of letters I’ve responded to from people who failed to establish basic sexual compatibility before marrying their partners. Settling down requires some settling for, of course, and everyone winds up paying the price of admission. But sexual compatibility is something you want to establish before the wedding, not after.

At the very least, WATER, don’t marry a man to whom you can’t make simple observations about sex and ask simple questions about sex. Like this statement/question/statement combo: “You joke about peeing on me, and I want to know if you would actually like to pee on me, because I would like to be peed on.”

Pissing on you doesn’t make him R. Kelly, a man who has been credibly accused of raping underage girls, and sexually and emotionally abusing—even imprisoning—adult women. If R. Kelly had raped numerous women and girls in the missionary position, WATER, all the other men out there who enjoy sex in the missionary position don’t become rapists by default. Where there is consent—enthusiastic consent—then it, whatever it is (missionary position sex, peeing on a partner), isn’t abusive. Sex play involving pain or degradation often requires more detailed conversations about consent, of course, but jokes and hints are a shitty way to negotiate consent for any kind of sex. Always go with unambiguous statements (“I would like to be peed on”) and direct questions (“Would you like to pee on me?”).

On the Lovecast, a case against Grindr for online harassment: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

Despite a series of embarrassing legal issues and odd behavior, R. Kelly remains a powerful and relevant figure in the ever-changing R&B music world—which means it was no surprise that his show at Fantasy Springs on Saturday night, May 23, was nearly sold out.

His live show was full of surprises—not all of them good surprises.

R. Kelly took the stage about 45 minutes late. When the lights shut off, and his DJ started the intro, a curtain opened—revealing what looked like a bar complete with an actual bartender, tables, chairs and lamps. Some members of R. Kelly’s entourage were out in the audience recruiting ladies to stand on the stage and fill the bar space. The video wall showed images of the Chicago skyline—referencing R. Kelly hometown.

R. Kelly eventually appeared, sending the mostly female audience into screams and howls. For what seemed like 20 minutes, he appeared to be singing and rapping. However, he would move the mic away from his mouth—to stick his arms in the air or encourage a louder ovation from the audience—and the lyrics would still be playing.

During a break between songs, he said, “Welcome to the Black Panties Show.” He then asked how many ladies were wearing black panties; asked if ladies were wearing panties in other colors; and then asked how many were wearing no panties at all—which, of course, got the loudest ovation. Then he asked, “How many people have made love to my music?” followed by, “How many people have fucked to my music?” He told people it was all right to have no shame, because, “I’ve done it to my own music. I have three kids off my own shit.”

There were strange moments throughout the show. At one point, he was freestyle-singing about how he wanted someone to wipe his face with the towel he was holding. He bent down in front of the stage and gave the towel to some lady, who wiped and caressed his face as he sang her directions on how to wipe his face.

It got even weirder when R. Kelly recited a poem he called “Poetic Sex.” He talked about what he wanted to do with a woman, referencing a g-spot, getting her “wet like an aquarium” and moving her “up and down on my elevator.” He ended the poem saying: “My lyrics got a big dick, and I just fucked the shit out of y’all.”

All night, R. Kelly engaged with female members of the audience in odd ways. He let one woman sing the chorus to one of his songs, and then declared she was “singing off key like a motherfucker.” He told one lady, “Here, hold this,” and let her hold his mic as he played with the cigar he held throughout the show. He then took a drink of water; meanwhile, the lady began rambling something into the microphone. When he took it back, he said, “Thank you for whatever the fuck you were saying. I don’t know what it was, but I appreciate it.”

At one point, he wandered off stage while a video played of him getting drunk in the recording studio and talking about the flavor of the kettle chips he was eating. When he came back out, he was wearing a poncho that looked like a black towel with a hole cut in the middle of it. This was when he actually began to sing—and it sounded as if his vocal power is not what it once was, as he sang “Trapped in the Closet,” “Bump and Grind,” and “Your Body’s Callin’.”

During the final part of his show, he went into the audience and sang a couple of songs. He ended the show by looking at his watch and saying, “My time is up,” thanking the audience for supporting him for more than 20 years, and telling everybody to drive safe.

I’ve seen a variety of hip-hop performers and R&B singers in concert, and they often go to great theatrical lengths to make shows more entertaining—but R. Kelly’s actions often seemed awkward and overly ego-driven rather than entertaining.

But what do I know? Most of crowd loved it, screaming for him from beginning to end.

Published in Reviews

May is here, which means the Coachella Valley is quieter, with less traffic and temperatures starting to rise. However, locals know the truth: The Coachella Valley never sleeps, and there are plenty of great things going on to see and do.

At 1 p.m., Saturday, May 2, the Desert Daze festival will be taking place at the Sunset Ranch Oasis in Mecca. The bill includes Warpaint (right), RJD2, Deap Vally, Minus the Bear and many others. General admission tickets are $55. Sunset Oasis Ranch, 69520 S. Lincoln St., Mecca; desertdaze.org.

The Joshua Tree Music Festival is back, coming Thursday, May 14, through Sunday, May 17 to the Joshua Tree Lake Campground. The Last Internationale, The Floozies, Airtist and many others will be performing. Single-day passes start at $60 to $90; it’s $180 for a four-day pass. Joshua Tree Lake Campground, 2601 Sunfair Road, Joshua Tree; www.joshuatreemusicfestival.com.

Fantasy Springs Resort Casino is rocking into May. At 8 p.m., Saturday, May 9, you’ll be yelling “Timber!” when Pitbull takes the stage. The rapper has racked up a bunch of hits since his career began in 2001; it’s been said on the interwebs that the new formula for a popular song involves collaborating with Pitbull. Tickets are $69 to $129. At 8 p.m., Friday, May 15, you can enjoy some family tradition with Hank Williams Jr. The son of Hank is quite popular with country-music audiences, but in recent years, he’s pissed off a lot of people with his controversial statements—including his former friends at Fox News, whom he scorned in one of his recent songs, “Keep the Change.” Tickets are $49 to $109. At 8 p.m., Saturday, May 23, R. Kelly will be stopping by. It’s no secret that R. Kelly was the subject of a lot of news back in 2002 when a video surfaced of him … um … well, let’s just say it was a dirty video that supposedly showed him with a minor. (He was acquitted of charges, by the way.) Fun fact: R. Kelly was a talented basketball player; he even played in the USBL from 1997 to 1999. Tickets are $49 to $109. Fantasy Springs Resort Casino, 84245 Indio Springs Parkway, Indio; 760-342-5000; www.fantasyspringsresort.com.

Agua Caliente Casino Resort Spa is hosting some events worth mentioning. At 8 p.m., Saturday, May 16, it’ll be a magical night with Kalin and Jinger. This couple has left audiences speechless with their magic show and has enjoyed numerous television appearances. Tickets are $30 to $60. At 8 p.m., Saturday, May 23, you won’t want to miss Lynda Carter. The star of Wonder Woman is also a talented songwriter, as well as a gay-rights activist. She’s sure to impress. Tickets are $25 to $45. At 6 p.m., Sunday, May 31, you will be happy to know Theresa Caputo, the “Long Island Medium,” will be back at The Show. She’s received praise from a large fan base and criticism from figures such as James Randi; in any case, she’s a star: She sold out The Show the last time she was here. Tickets are $85 to $125. The Show at Agua Caliente Casino Resort Spa, 32250 Bob Hope Drive, Rancho Mirage; 888-999-1995; www.hotwatercasino.com.

Spotlight 29 Casino has a couple of events you won’t want to miss. Dwight Yoakam will be performing at 8 p.m., Saturday, May 9. Yoakam is also an accomplished actor who appeared in the movie Sling Blade, with Billy Bob Thornton, as the foul-mouthed, drunken boyfriend, Doyle. Yoakam’s Bakersfield sound is a throwback to the era of Buck Owens, and he’s a master performer. Tickets are $45 to $65. At 7:30 p.m., Saturday, May 16, there will be a Mariachi Festival, featuring Mariachi Sol de Mexico de Jose Hernandez, Graciela Beltrán and Mariachi Reyna de Los Angeles. Tickets are $20 to $40. Spotlight 29 Casino, 46200 Harrison Place, Coachella; 760-775-5566; www.spotlight29.com.

After a packed April, Morongo Casino Resort Spa has at least one must-see show in May. You heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend that at 9 p.m., Friday, May 15, REO Speedwagon will be performing. The ’70s and ’80s were good years for this arena-rock band, and they’re still going strong, having done several tours with Styx and other bands from that period. Tickets are $60 to $70. Morongo Casino Resort Spa, 49500 Seminole Drive, Cabazon; 800-252-4499; www.morongocasinoresort.com.

Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneertown Palace is operating at a slower pace after a crazy round of Coachella-related shows in April. There’s a sold-out Neutral Milk Hotel show taking place in late May. Beyond that, at 7:30 p.m., Thursday, May 7, there will be a performance by Mojave Sky. Mojave Sky is local to the Joshua Tree area and includes Pappy’s security man David Johnson, who plays bass. Admission is free. At 7 p.m., Friday, May 29, there will be another performance at Pappy’s by JD McPherson. McPherson’s vintage rock ’n’ roll sound, combined with a little bit of Americana, has been a hit; he played Stagecoach in 2014. Tickets are $15. Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneertown Palace, 53688 Pioneertown Road, Pioneertown; 760-365-5956; www.pappyandharriets.com.

The Copa in Palm Springs has a special music event coming in May. At 8 p.m., Friday, May 8, songwriter Crystal Bowersox (below) will be performing. She was a runner-up on American Idol in 2010 and is remembered for her struggles during the show with Type 1 Diabetes. Tickets are $25 to $35. Copa, 244 E. Amado Road, Palm Springs; 760-866-0021; www.copapalmsprings.com.

Published in Previews