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12 Mar 2014

Ask a Mexican: Why Do Portly Mexican Women Insist on Wearing Midriff-Exposing Clothing?

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Dear Mexican: The current clothing trend is for ladies to wear low-cut jeans and belly shirts that expose their midriffs. That looks great on a hard-bodied woman, but why do so many fat Mexican mujeres insist on dressing like this?

It’s one of the grossest things imaginable. The gut hangs over the pants and pushes the shirt up. Many times, the women have stretch marks, which make it even worse. I can’t believe they look in the mirror and think they look attractive. What gives?

Fat Is Malo

Dear Gabacho: American men might prefer boinking skinny things, but the wisdom of the ancients still informs the male Mexican mind—and the ancients loved fatties. Many pre-Columbian codices and statues depict women as gorditas—plump chicas. Obesity meant wealth, fertility and what Groucho Marx called “an armful of fun on a cold night.”

But it wasn’t just the Aztecs and Mayans who loved their ladies large. Carl Jung and other psycho-mythologists point to the Earth Mother, found in almost all societies, as one of the most-powerful archetypes of the collective unconscious. Most artistic renditions of the Earth Mother depict her as retre-voluptuous—think of the Venus of Willendorf, the famous prehistoric statue of a fertility goddess with massive breasts, vulva and stomach.

Come to think of it, this Venus bears an uncanny resemblance to those Mexican women you so hate, Fat Is Malo. A bad diet also explains the endemic obesity among Mexican women, but all that a massive mujer does when she squeezes into those low-cut jeans and belly shirts is transform into the Earth Mother and invite males to partake of her eternal fecundity. Judging by the litters of kids Mexican women produce, more men take up the invitation than not …

How come Mexican men wear belt buckles that look like wrestling belts?

R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero

Dear Gabacho: Think utility, vanity and Freud.

A massive belt buckle ensures that our sturdy belts won’t burst under the double strains of the tools we hang from it—whether they be wrenches, cell phones or revolvers—and the bellies that rise from our middles like Kilimanjaro in the Tanzanian plains. It’s a Mexican man’s most-cherished accessory, after the tejana and alligator boots, so of course he’ll glam up his buckles with engravings—names, arabesque designs and pastoral scenes are the most popular.

But owning a bonito buckle isn’t enough for Mexican men. As Freud points out, any time men flash abnormally large possessions—like goateed gabachos flying the American flag from their Ford F250s—it’s a stand-in for our cocks. In an hombre’s case, however, the buckle is a stand-in for our less-than-stellar members. (Most sexology surveys rank Latinos third behind blacks and gabachos on the large pipi scale.) So ladies: The larger the buckle, the teenier the weenie.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

3 comments

  • Comment Link Juanita Saturday, 13 May 2017 16:24 posted by Juanita

    "Fat means wealth"..... all thanks to free welfare checks from hardworking taxpayers. Illegal fat mexicans have random sex to birth random babies as their welfare collectors. Welfare checks spent on casinos and exchange for cash to nail salons not thier babies ..... very cruel and sad reality.

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  • Comment Link Scott Vines Wednesday, 06 April 2016 23:18 posted by Scott Vines

    You are freaking awesome. Thanks for the laughs.

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  • Comment Link Danielle Saturday, 14 November 2015 01:07 posted by Danielle

    Yes I agree, it's disgusting... That's why their Mexican husbands are cheating on them with fit women! Skinny is sexy, fit is sexy, self confidence is sexy .. I'll give you an example ... I live in Southern California and it's about 80 percent people of Mexican race here .. And I'm in the grocery store and a 300 pound slob Mexican woman is With her husband , and he is staring at me and cannot keep his eyes off me every chance he gets.. I'm not bragging but I'm being straight up ... Fat is not sexy, it's unhealthy. Mexican women usually let themselves go once they get married and have kids... Which is why the Mexican men are picking up prostitutes constantly and cannot keep their eyes off of other women.. Sorry if I offend anyone but I see it on a daily basis..

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