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Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

On this week's Hallmark-approved, prix-fixe weekly Independent comics page: This Modern World expresses bewilderment at the Sunday morning talk-show formula; Jen Sorensen wishes white people assimilated better; (Th)ink ponders the plight of whacked-out British eels; Red Meat tries to teach goldfish a disturbing lesson; and Apoca Clips weighs in on the Grammys.

Published in Comics

Dear Mexican: I find Mexican women to be very prejudiced. Is it their lack of education, or the fact that they don’t assimilate well? Is anyone schooling them on appropriate behavior, and are they being told that racial prejudice has reached a point where it’s barely tolerated in the U.S.A?

I’m offended by their racist stares—I call them “racist stares,” because it reminds me of the 1950s, when the white folks were doing it. Also, how many people live in one house, with a multitude of trucks, leaving all the trash out from the businesses they run out of their houses? Do we pay for this in our monthly utility bills, because the trash-debris fee is higher than the water fee?

I now live across from such a female who gives out racist stares every chance she gets. She looks like a giant Godzilla—a shemale, with her tiny husband she probably picked up at the border and beats to keep him in line. (No joke: It looks that way.) And she has 10 kids—five by the one who left her, and five by her border husband. When she is “dressed” up in her jeans and body shirt, she looks like a fat sausage.

I called another a racist because her kids were in the backyard calling out the “n” word—and no, they weren’t talking to each other. Guess what she did: She invited over the one black person she has ever had over to her house to show she is not a racist. Typical.

I’m just curious, because you go in the Mexican stores, and everything is in Spanish, yet American stores label everything in dual languages. Americans have been most accommodating to all immigrants—not just Mexicans. You can’t go anywhere outside of the U.S.A and live unless you are able to support yourself and not take jobs from the native population.

Toby Keith Is Mine

Dear Gabacha: There is not one thing you mentioned that makes me think your Mexican female neighbor is racist. You, on the other hand … from the “giant Godzilla” to the “border husband” to describing her as a “fat sausage” and speculating about her kids, you sound like a bitter gabacha whose man left her for a Mexican woman long ago.

Get over it, honey. Besides, Mexican women are only racist to Mexican women—you can look it up!

Dear Mexican: What’s the deal with hanging 15 feet of toilet paper in “el baño” to cover the gaps in the stall walls?

I only see this coming from Mexican men, because I only frequent men’s restrooms, and only in the restrooms predominantly frequented by my Mexican co-workers. But frankly, what kind of man—other than the occasional Idaho Republican—wants to peek through the gap or catch a fleeting glimpse of another man taking a dump? Is this kind of male-on-male bathroom voyeurism a problem in Mexico, or are Mexican men simply more self-conscious than gabachos?

Degenerate John

Dear Gabacho: Assimilation at work. In Mexico, we freely shit out in the barn—the better to mix with other manure. In the U.S., we become as prudish as Jeff Sessions.

Then again, staring through gaps is a habit for Mexican men—how else do you think we’re able to get over walls and fences so easily?

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I need to know: Why do salvatruchas think they are superior to every Mexican and Guatemalan in every way?

I go to a community college in the San Fernando Valley that is infested with them, and the way they portray Mexicans to other people makes me angry. Sometimes, I would like to tell them about the bad and nasty crap they have done since the urban terrorist organization, MS-13, destroyed the Hispanic community even worse. Now some of us Mexicans are leaving places and migrating to other parts of Southern California.

I know that some police at the southern border of Mexico have treated Salvadorans like shit, but that is no reason for them to chingar con los Mexicans’ reputation. It’s hard enough with some of the prejudices we mojados confront every day, but to have another Hispanic culture mess it up even more? Tell me: What is wrong with those guys?

Mixed Mexican of Sherman Oaks

Dear Pocho: Do you realize you just wrote for me a Mad Libs of assimilation that people can apply to any successful immigrant group in America ever? I’m ever-grateful! Here, lemme show you:

I need to know: Why do (newest immigrant group) think they are superior to every (assimilated ethnic group) and (another assimilated ethnic group) in every way?

I go to a (workplace or business) in the (old municipal stronghold of assimilated ethnic group) that is infested with (newest immigrant group), and the way they portray (assimilated ethnic group) to other people makes me angry. Sometimes, I would like to tell them about the bad and nasty crap they have done since the (gang or national movement associated with newest immigrant group) destroyed the (assimilated ethnic group) community even worse. Now some of us (assimilated ethnic group) are leaving places and migrating to other parts of (suburbs of old municipal stronghold of assimilated ethnic group).

I know that (some situation involving assimilated ethnic group) have treated (newest immigrant group) like shit, but that is no reason for them to chingar con los (assimilated ethnic group’s) reputation. It’s hard enough with some of the prejudices we (former derogatory nickname for assimilated ethnic group that they appropriated and now use as a term of endearment for each other—but woe to anyone else who uses it) confront every day, but to have another (newest immigrant group) mess it up even more? Tell me: What is wrong with those guys?

So, to recap: Salvadorans hate Mexicans because we hated Salvadorans, just like Irish hate Italians because Italians hated the Irish. How about we break that cycle? This Mexican did!

Dear Mexican: I went to a Mexican birthday party at my neighbor’s house a few weeks ago for their daughter, who just turned 6 years old. I was surprised when I was the only guest who bought her a toy. All she got was a bunch of clothes. I don’t know any white 6-year-olds who would WANT clothes for their birthday. What’s up with that?

Confused in Texas

Dear Gabacho: No kids of any culture want clothes as a regalo, period. But Mexican adults know niños grow super-fast, so they give ropa as presents to help others with the cost of living. This custom ends with adolescence, when people start giving Mexican teens condoms—or rather, they should …

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans applaud first-generation Mexicans who assimilate completely, but criticize (and apply the term vendidos) to first-generation Mexican Americans for doing it? (And why is it that there is no real name for U.S. citizens in English, forcing us to use the name of the continent? Someone should translate estadounidenses.)

Take my case, for example. Both of my parents are Basques—don’t get them wrong, they are grateful; they really love Mexico and will proudly tell you they are 100 percent Mexican, because Mexico adopted them, but they also love their original culture and speak Euskera fluently. (Well, one speaks Euskara, the other Euskera; one is from Donostia, the other from Bilbao, so they spell a few words differently.) They play Mus almost every day, prepare typical Basque dishes (txipirones, txangurros, pil-pin and the infamous kalimotxo, which is a drink that is obtained by mixing red wine and cola, almost always in a 1:1 ratio), and partake in all sorts of Basque cultural activities.

I feel proud of that heritage and speak some Euskera (badly, but I can communicate), but I don’t feel Basque, and don’t feel the need to participate in any kind of Basque cultural activity. (I love to play Mus, not because it’s Basque, but because it’s a great game.) I feel Mexican—hence, the only cultural activities I participate in are Mexican activities. (Whatever that means; Mexico has but a few real national cultural activities. The different regions have different cultural activities, making the country very interesting and diverse.) Most Mexicans applaud my behavior, and obviously applaud any similar behavior of other sons and daughters of immigrants. The funny part is that they despise the same behavior when sons and daughters of Mexican immigrants do it in the U.S., calling then by any number of names. (I would say most of them can’t be published, but I can see that you don’t have any trouble publishing “risky” words in Spanish.) In fact, many Mexicans feel betrayed by them. Why is it that the same exact behavior is applauded and vilified?

By the way: My wife says that the irony of all is that I will probably have a son or a daughter who, when talking about his father and mother, will explain how he or she is very proud of his/her heritage of his/her Mexican parents, but he/she doesn’t feel Mexican and can’t understand why his/her father feels it is so important to speak fluent Spanish. I know my father will look me directly in my eyes and exclaim poetic justice.

The “Mus”-Loving Mexican With Basque Parents Who, According to His Wife, Will Probably Have an American Kid With Bad Spanish Abilities

Dear Pocho: The only reason I let you run on and on here is because of your Basque heritage, which I’ve always respected. And your question is so pinche confusing, it might as well be in Euskara, one of the few languages in the world with no relatives.

But this is what you’re saying: Mexicans in Mexico love it when the Mexican-born children of immigrants identify with their culture (like Mexican-Kenyan actress Lupita Nyong’o), applauding it as natural, but get mad when the same happens to the children of Mexican immigrants in the U.S.

Easy answer: Mexicans want everyone to be Mexican—except Cuban-American presidential candidates, of course.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: I teach U.S. citizenship classes in both Spanish and English. Recently, some of my students corrected others in Spanish about race terms. How do I help my students talk about race progressively, so they don’t sound like racist grandmas?

Denver, But Works in Littleton

Dear Gabacha: Tough, ain’t it? A jefe once told me that German was such a direct language that the word for “meat” literally translated as “flesh”—and that’s how it is when Mexicans speak about race in America. “African American” does translate as afroamericano in Mexican Spanish, but most Mexicans think that’s PC silliness and a mouthful. Instead, the best you can hope for is negro, which literally translates as “black,” but means “negro.” Similarly, “Asian American” translates as asiático-americano, but most Mexicans go for chino—Chinese. And I’m saying the polite terms; I can only imagine what your students cracked during class.

My advice: Teach them that race is a social construct; hyphens shouldn’t exist; and everyone in this country is an American—except that pendejo Donald Trump, of course.

In your appearance on the radio show On the Media, you said you think that white America will never accept Mexicans and Mexican Americans as anything besides an “other.” I've heard other people argue that Mexican Americans will one day also become assimilated into “mainstream” American society, like other immigrant groups such as Italians and Irish who were initially considered “other.”

What leads you to disagree?

Media Pundit

Dear Gabacho: You wrote this back in 2006, just after I appeared on the NPR show. (Sorry not sorry for just getting to your pregunta; the queue for this columna is longer than the pedestrian line at the U.S.-Mexico border.) I should’ve added during my appearance that Mexicans are always assimilating into American society; it’s just that American society won’t accept it. I was proven right, regardless: It’s now 2015, and Republican candidates are babbling about anchor babies, mass deportations and border walls. Meanwhile, us Mexis keep assimilating and are getting ready to vote pendejos away next year and side with Deez Nutz!

Why do most Americans stereotype us as stupid Chicanos? Chicanos are a disgrace to Mexicans, and so are cholos. Our roots don’t take pride in the things these pendejos value.

I’m a Hispanic, Not a Stupid Chicana.

Dear Pendeja: While I’m no fan of cholos, and have bagged on Chicanos before, it’s pendejas like you who make me want to put on a Bo Jackson Raiders jersey and blast “Crystal Blue Persuasion” from my Monte Carlo.

Mexican “roots”? You mean a culture that historically glamorized valientes (gunslingers), revolutionaries and bloody Christs? Or are you one of those fresas who isn’t that type of Mexican, who looks askance at pochos and paisas? News flash for you, princesa: Your “Hispanic” vendida pendeja kind is the biggest disgrace to raza since that one chick who said her ancestors were Basque even though she was had a big ol’ nopal en la frente.

Is it true that Mexicans use human excrement to ferment pulque?

Mucho Grande Pendejo

Dear Gabacho: Nope. Is it true that gabachos would still drink it if it was? Damn straight!

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: In Philadelphia, where I live, there are three Spanish-language stations on regular broadcast television. None of them offer English subtitles. I bet plenty of people of all heritages would like to check out Spanish-language television, or the news from Central America, or whatever, if we could get subtitles. I called one of the stations (Univisión) about it, but they said there are no plans to offer subtitles.

Meanwhile, Channel 35 here in Philly has Chinese, Korean, German, Russian, Polish, and Italian programming, all with subtitles. Your thoughts?

Broad Street Broad

Dear Gabacha: Your letter has been in my ¡Ask a Mexican! archives for so long that your question is no longer relevant—but I’ll todavia answer it, because it allows me to raise a great point.

Last year, Univisión announced it was going to offer English-language captions for most of its telenovelas and even some news programs, although it didn’t necessarily have gabachos in mind. Rather, the move was prompted by Univisión’s realization that assimilation is inevitable in this country, and that if it didn’t acknowledge that English is the ultimate destiny for every Mexican in el Norte, it would become as relevant to the Mexican experience as canned tortillas.

It’s not a new tale—the ethnic press has long had a vibrant place in American letters. (The first Spanish-language newspaper published in los Estados Unidos goes back to the early 19th century.) However, the only ones that survive more than a couple of generations are those that understand they’re only temporary phenomena. That’s why this infernal column also has a shelf life: When the Reconquista is finally complete, I will turn the burro over to my gabacho intern so he can explain America’s largest and whiniest minority to the ruling Mexi class.

I’m a gringa from Iowa, and I’ve been dating my Mexican boyfriend for about three months now. He knows I’m from a background that’s as white as they come, since I’m a German-Norwegian mix. But he fell in love with me because I think I shocked him. See, I speak Spanish; I listen to Spanish music; and we even met at a club for cumbia and bachata dancing. And he is puro mexicano with no English. He always calls me his “sexi gringa/guera” pero; lately, he’s been calling me his mexicana también when we’ve gone out dancing or for drinks. Why is that?

Melodia Confusa

Dear Confused Melody Gabacha: Because he loves you—you’re no longer just a gabacha to screw, but a mujer ready to meet the familia. Better make sure you incorporate chorizo into your hot dish—and I’m not talking about your hoo-hah.

CONFIDENTIAL TO

To the East Los Angeles College familia: Ustedes graciously invited me to be your commencement speaker earlier this year—and I stood ustedes up last week through a calendar error all my own.

I profusely apologize to everyone at East Los Angeles College for insulting you in this way—you deserve so much better. Perdóname, Profe Godinez, my fellow Chapman University alum, who recommended me as the commencement speaker in the first place. A big ol’ :-( to the ELAC student on Twitter who asked a very simple question: "Donde estas, buey?"

I will apologize for this for the rest of my life. I will never be able to live this mistake down, and I will do everything possible to try to make this up to ustedes. For starters, gentle readers: ELAC is an amazing institution that has long hosted a book festival (where they’ve graciously invited me in the past) and has many amazing teachers and students.

Also? I’m the biggest pendejo in the world—but ustedes knew that already!

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Published in Ask a Mexican