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Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

Dear Mexican: Why is it that mid-30s Mexican heinas let their bush go all out? And then they get mad ’cause you ain’t eatin’ them?

I Won’t Make a Pink Taco Joke, Promise

Dear Pocho: Bruh, you’ve watched too much porn—you really think expecting women to have no pubic hair so they can look prepubescent is healthy? That’s pedophile territory right there—I should call To Catch a Predator on you. If the mexicanas you bed are au natural, it’s because they’re in touch with Pachamama and rightfully have no shame with what God granted them.

As for the second pregunta: I actually answered it a decade ago, with me reporting then that “a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at one point in their life.” Now comes the 2010 results from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, which found that 84.6 percent of Latino males reported performing oral sex … but only 72 percent of Mexican Americans did the deed. And we wonder why so many of our mujeres leave us for gabachos and Salvadorans …

Dear Mexican: A young California high school boy of Latino heritage asked me: Why did us whities steal California from Mexico? I asked him who told him that, and he said his father. I told him we purchased California from Mexico, via the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to discuss the history or the details of the transaction with him.

Is common for Hispanics to think California was stolen? If so, that makes them appear very uneducated about their so-called homeland … don’t you think?

Retired Teacher

Dear Gabacho: Wow, so many babadas to unpack here! First off, pick: Hispanic? Latino? Those terms ain’t interchangeable. Really, you mean “Mexican”—say our name, pendejo.

Most importantly, the U.S. “purchased” California and the rest of Aztlán from Mexico the way the U.S. “purchased” Georgia from the Cherokees. Mexicans see the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo for what it is: a purchase done down the barrel of the Mexican-American War. And it wasn’t just us: Abraham Lincoln opposed it while a congressman, and Ulysses S. Grant described the war years later as “one of the most unjust ever waged by a stronger against a weaker nation. It was an instance of a republic following the bad example of European monarchies, in not considering justice in their desire to acquire additional territory”—and all those guys did was save the Republic, you know?

Even if we play your Manifest Destiny game, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was still thievery: It didn’t respect the land rights of the conquered Mexicans, therefore allowing a bunch of Pikers to murder, pillage and rob Mexicans of their lands under the threat of marrying their daughters. “Uneducated about their so-called homeland?” That’s you and your fellow gabachos, pendejo.


THE MEXICAN NEEDS AN EDITOR!

Last week, I tweeted about the horrific assault on Leslie Jones’ website and tried to use the hacker obsession with Harambe as a punchline. People took it as me comparing the actress to an ape, which shows I REALLY need an editor.

The tweet pissed off and hurt good folks—I’ve owned up to my pendejada, and I will continue to do so. This column has slammed raza for our inherent anti-blackness almost from the start, and we need black and brown solidarity now more than ever in this era of Trump—and definitely don’t need a weak-salsa satirist fucking shit up.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

Published in Ask a Mexican

Dear Readers: The Mexican is taking the week off, because his home paper is preparing its fantabulous Best Of issue. Behold, then, an oldie-but-goodie column that Art Laboe would approve of—enjoy!

Dear Mexican: A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men go down on their ladies. I don’t believe that. Can you “spread” some light on the subject?

El Gabacho Guapo

Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend’s argument by referring her to the seminal The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world’s sex habits gathered into one grande book. Its section on Mexico cites two surveys from the early 1990s which found that about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women—more than twice the number your friend laid out.

In fact, the Mexican hombre’s taste for cunnilingus grows once he hops over to the United States: A 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at least once. However, that percentage is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted doing the deed.

The Mexican holds various theories about why his swarthy hermanos aren’t as prone to panocha-pecking as gabachos: Traditional Mexican men don’t bother with cunnilingus since it doesn’t lead to procreation; Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue near their hoo-ha; Mexico’s endemic machismo produces a culture in which vagina dentata is as feared as la migra.

But forget explanations. The paucity of Mexican men who munch muff is an urgent social ill, and I urge all mujeres to remedy the problem by nabbing a Mexican and taking an orgasm in the name of La Raza.

What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America, like a lot of people predict?

El Mex de Durango

Dear Gabacho: That’s the 64,000-peso question, Mex. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate into this country’s fabric just as previous immigrant groups did.

I’m among the latter, and I propose we’ll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English-speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We’ll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try—take over Mexico, and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then, we’ll become too complacent and fat, and gabachos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs.

What’s the moral of the story? Protect your children’s future, gabachos. Treat Mexicans well, and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, we might just become Americans.

Ask the Mexican at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; be his fan on Facebook; follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano; or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Published in Ask a Mexican