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03 Jan 2013

Rick Rothman: Mitt's Here to Save the Salton Sea!

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Romney and Christie discuss the big drop. Romney and Christie discuss the big drop. Flickr/Mitt Romney

"Mitt, don't feel bad about losing the election," Ann said. "At least we can take a vacation now."

Mitt Romney agreed. "Palm Springs is beautiful this time of year," he explained. "We can stay at the Marriott. After all, I'm back on the board of directors."

"Let me call the hotel and make a reservation," Ann told him. A few minutes later, she had good news.

They only have 47 percent occupancy right now!" she exclaimed. "There's plenty of room for us!"

The Romneys packed their suitcases and were off to the Coachella Valley. When their plane landed, they were greeted by the mayor.

"Welcome to the playground of the presidents," he announced. "Or, in your case, the playground of the hopeless presidential hopefuls."

As Mitt and Ann got into their limousine, they were overcome by a foul odor. "What's that stench?" Ann asked. "It smells like rotten eggs."

"I probably forgot to use my deodorant this morning," Mitt said. "I'll put it on when we get to the hotel."

The two arrived at the resort, and the staff had a special room prepared just for them. "Room 47, right this way," the manager said.

As the Romneys unpacked their suitcases, they decided to turn on the TV and catch up on the news. One story in particular caught their attention.

"Thousands of dead fish have been found floating in the Salton Sea," the newscaster announced. "Residents have reported the smell throughout the Coachella Valley."

Mitt was relieved. "At least it's not my lack of deodorant!" he said with a grin. Ann was concerned.

"You have to do something!" she yelled. "The future of the Coachella Valley is at stake."

Mitt thought for a moment. "When I was at Bain Capital, I turned companies around," he told Ann. "I think I can turn the Salton Sea around, too."

Mitt continued. "The Salton Sea has 47 percent salinity, which is killing the fish. All I have to do is replace it with fresh water."

Ann was skeptical. "How are you going to do that?" she asked. Mitt already had a plan figured out.

"My former running mate, Paul Ryan, drinks ten gallons of water a day," he explained. "There's a warehouse in Wisconsin that he uses to store thousands more."

"Hold on, Mitt," his wife told him. "Before you can replace the sea with fresh water, you have to get rid of the saltwater."

"I have a plan for that too," Mitt said. "I'm going to have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie airlifted to the sea by helicopter. Then I'm going to drop him in the water. He'll create such a big splash, the sea will be empty in no time."

Ann was proud of her husband. "I'll never understand how you lost the election," she told him. "You always have such brilliant ideas."

Mitt decided to take a drive down to the Salton Sea and have a look for himself. When he arrived at the shore, he noticed an old man talking to a beach chair. It was Clint Eastwood!

"I'm sorry to interrupt you," Mitt said. "This area must be evacuated immediately. I'm replacing the water in the Salton Sea."

Clint whispered something in Mitt's ear. "I can't do that to myself!" Mitt exclaimed.

Clint got on his horse and rode off into the sunset.

Mitt took out his cell phone and placed a call to New Jersey. "The coast is clear," he said. "You can send Chris Christie over right away."

He then returned to the hotel, where he issued a tsunami alert for the Coachella Valley. "We have to prepare for possible flooding," he told Ann.

As Chris arrived at the Salton Sea, the event was broadcast live on TV. The Romneys watched with interest, and Mitt knew that 47 percent of the viewing public would watch, too, no matter what.

The helicopter hovered over the sea while the governor remained suspended in a harness. The pilot gave the order, and suddenly, Chris fell out of the harness and landed in the sea below.

The water displacement was so great that a giant wave was generated, sending the contents of the sea racing across the valley floor.

"We have to get out of town!" Mitt yelled to his wife. They rented a car and headed toward Interstate 10. Unfortunately, when they got to the Banning Pass, the traffic was backed up for miles.

"When I was at Bain Capital, I turned companies around," he told Ann. "I think I can turn this traffic around, too."

"Stop with the Bain Capital talk already!" Ann said in disgust. "The workers are repairing all the potholes. We'll probably be stuck here all day."

Several hours later, Mitt started to feel confined. He got out of the car to stretch his legs when he noticed a huge truck passing by on the other side of the freeway. He looked at the driver and couldn't believe who he saw.

It was Paul Ryan!

Mitt waved his arms furiously to get Paul's attention. Paul pulled over and got out of the truck. "I'm delivering my personal supply of fresh water to the Salton Sea," he told Mitt.

The Romneys hopped over the barricade and got into the truck with Paul. "The flooding should be subsiding by now," Mitt said. "Let's go back."

It took quite a while to drive the 47 miles, but when they finally arrived, they noticed Chris Christie sitting at the bottom of the empty sea.

"What happened to all the dead fish?" Mitt asked.

"I ate them," Chris replied. "I love sushi." Just then, the helicopter returned to airlift the governor back to New Jersey.

Paul immediately began transferring the water from his truck, and the Salton Sea was soon filled with fresh water.

"The smell is gone," Ann pointed out. "But the fish need to be replaced." Mitt already had a plan.

"I went through all my binders full of women," he explained. "I'll be throwing them all in the water. If anyone is looking for a wife, now there will be plenty of fish in the sea."

"You have my 47 percent approval," Ann said.

"I'll drink to that," Paul added as he took a sip of water.

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