CVIndependent

Wed07082020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

Can I still be considered sex-positive if I personally do not have sex? I’ve never had sex or masturbated—all my life, any type of sexual stimulation has been very painful, and I’ve been unable to experience orgasm. I simply get a migraine and feel mildly nauseated instead. I am not looking for a possible solution, as I long ago accepted my fate and consequently avoid sex, such as by maintaining only sexless relationships. My question is simply: Can I still be considered sex-positive if I do not enjoy or engage in sexual activity?

Personally Loathes Unpleasant Sex

I consider myself cunnilingus-positive, PLUS, despite the fact that I could not personally enjoy (and therefore have never engaged in) that particular sexual activity. While I don’t think it would cause me physical pain, I would not be able to experience orgasm myself (through simultaneous self-stimulation) while performing cunnilingus, and my cunnilingus partner would be highly unlikely to experience orgasm, either (due to my ineptness). If I can nevertheless consider myself cunnilingus-positive under the circumstances—if I can consider myself a cunnilingus advocate—you can consider yourself sex-positive.


About twice a week, my wife gets up from the dinner table to have a shit. She won’t make the smallest effort to adjust the timing so we can finish our dinner conversation. She can’t even wait for a natural break in the conversation. She will stand up and leave the room when I am making a point. Am I rightfully upset, or do I just have to get over it? When I say something, she tells me it’s unavoidable.

Decidedly Upset Man Petitions Savage

“Let her have her poop,” said Zach Noe Towers, a comedian in Los Angeles who just walked into the cafe where I was writing this week’s column. “His Miss Pooper isn’t going to change her ways.” I would only add this: Absent some other evidence—aural or olfactory—you can’t know for sure that your wife actually left the room to take a shit. She could be in the bathroom scrolling through Twitter or checking her Instagram DMs. In other words: taking a break from your shit, DUMPS, not shitting herself.


My boyfriend goes to pieces whenever I am the least bit critical. I’m not a scold, and small things don’t bother me. But when he does something thoughtless, and I bring it to his attention, he starts beating up on himself and insists that I hate him and I’m going to leave him. He makes a scene that’s out of proportion to the topic at hand, and I wind up having to comfort and reassure him. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Boyfriend Always Wailing Loudly

Someone who leaps to YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE ME! when their partner wants to constructively process the tiniest conflict is being a manipulative shit, BAWL. Your boyfriend goes right to the self-lacerating (and fake) meltdown so that you’ll hesitate to initiate a discussion about a conflict or—god forbid—really confront him about some selfish, shitty or inconsiderate thing he’s done. He’s having a tantrum, BAWL, because he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions. And as the parent of any toddler can tell you, tantrums continue so long as tantrums work.


I’m a well-adjusted gay man in my early 40s, but I’ve never found a way to openly enjoy my fetish: I love white socks and sneakers. The most erotic thing I’ve ever seen is a cute guy at a party asking if he could take his high-tops off to relax in his socks. I’ve been in a couple of long-term relationships, but I’ve never been honest about this fetish with anyone. I’ve thought a lot about why stocking feet turn me on so much, and I think it must have something to do with the fact that if you are close to someone, and they want to spend time with you, they are more likely to take their shoes off to relax around you. I’m not sure what to do.

Loves Socks And Sneaks

I have to assume you’re out of the closet—you can’t be a “well-adjusted gay man” and a closet case—which means at some point in your life, LSAS, you sat your mom down and told her you put dicks in your mouth. Telling your next boyfriend you have a thing for socks and sneakers can’t be anywhere near as scary, can it? Also: There are tons of kinky guys all over Twitter and Instagram who are very open about their fetishes, LSAS. Create an anonymous, kink-specific account for yourself, and follow a bunch of kinksters. You need some role/sole models!)


Santorum, DTMFA, pegging, GGG, the Campsite Rule, monogamish—you’ve coined a lot of interesting and useful terms over the years, Dan, but it’s been a while since you rolled out a new one. You can consider this a challenge.

Neo-Neologisms, Please!

I’ve got two for you, NNP.

Harnies (pronounced like “carnies”): Vanilla guys who attend big, gay leather/rubber/fetish events like International Mr. Leather or Folsom Street Fair in harnesses. A harnie owns just one piece of fetish gear—his harness, usually purchased on the day of the event, often in a neon color, never to be worn during sex—and pairs his harness with booty shorts and sneakers. Kinky guys old enough to remember when vanilla guys wouldn’t be caught dead at fetish events prefer having harnies around to the kink-shaming that used to be rampant even in the gay community. And most kinky guys are too polite to tell harnies that harnesses aren’t merely decorative. Someone should be able to hold on to your harness while they’re fucking you, or add ropes if they want to tie you down. So if your harness is made out of stretchy fabric—like lime-green Lycra—then it’s not a harness; it’s a sports bra. Kinky guys are also too polite to tell harnies when they’re wearing their harnesses upside down or backward.

With Extra Lobster: There are food carts in Iceland that sell delicious lobster stew, lobster rolls and lobster sandwiches. The menu at the cart my husband and I kept returning to when we visited Reykjavík included this item: “With Extra Lobster.” You could order your lobster with extra lobster! Lobster is a luxurious and decadent treat, and getting extra lobster with your lobster kicks the luxury and decadence up a big notch. “With extra lobster” struck me as the perfect dirty euphemism for something. It could be something very specific—say, someone sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they’re deep-throating your cock. We could describe that as a blowjob with extra lobster. Or it could be a general expression meaning more of whatever hot thing gets you off. I’m open to your suggested definitions of “with extra lobster.” Send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.!

On the Lovecast, Dr. Zhana on squirting: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 26-year-old cis queer woman. My best friend has identified publicly as asexual for the past two years. She constantly talks about how since she doesn’t “need” sex, this means she is asexual. She does have sex, however, and she enjoys it, which I know isn’t disqualifying. But she also actively seeks out sex partners and sex. Again, she insists that because she doesn’t “need” sex the way she presumes the rest of us do, she is asexual.

I have an issue with this. I’ve never had partnered sex and never really felt the need or desire for it. I’m plenty happy with emotional intimacy from others and masturbation for my sexual needs, and I do not particularly desire a romantic or sexual partner. My friend gets offended if anyone questions her label, which occurs often in our friend group, as people try to understand her situation. I usually defend her to others since she’s my friend, but as a person who is starting to identify more and more as asexual, I’ve grown annoyed at her use of “asexual” as her identifier, to the point that this may be starting to affect our friendship. I’ve kept silent because I don’t want to make her feel attacked—but in the privacy of my own head, I’m calling bullshit on her asexuality. I don’t particularly want to come out as asexual to her, given the circumstances.

Am I just being a shitty gatekeeping asexual? Do I need to just accept that labels are only as useful as we make them, and let this go?

Actually Coitus Evading

Asexuality—it’s a real thing.

“Several population-level studies have now found that about 1 percent of individuals report not feeling sexual attraction to another person—ever,” Dr. Lori Brotto writes in The Globe and Mail. Dr. Brotto has extensively studied asexuality, and the data supports the conclusion that asexuality is a sexual orientation on par with heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. “(Asexuality) is not celibacy, which is the conscious choice to not have sex, even though sexual desires may endure,” Dr. Brotto writes. “Rather, for these individuals, there is no inherent wish for or desire for sex, and there never has been. They are asexuals, though many prefer to go by the endearing term ‘aces.’”

Asexuality is a point on a spectrum, and it’s a spectrum unto itself.

“There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints, and a gray area in between,” says whoever wrote the general FAQ at the Asexual Visibility and Education Network website. “Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of ‘gray-asexual’ or ‘gray-a.’ Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction, but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction, but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual, because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting. Furthermore, (some) asexual people in relationships might choose or even want to have sex with their partner as a way of showing affection, and they might even enjoy it. Others may want to have sex in order to have children, or to satisfy a curiosity, or for other reasons.”

As for your friend, ACE … well, according to the Protocols of the Elders of Tumblr, we’re no longer allowed to express doubt about someone’s professed sexual orientation or gender identity. So if Republican U.S. Senator Larry Craig of Idaho gets caught trawling for dick in an airport bathroom—which he did in 2007—and insists it was all a misunderstanding, because, you know, he’s 200 percent straight, well, then he’s straight. (And if Jeffrey Dahmer says he’s a vegetarian … .) So even if your friend pulls the cock from her mouth and/or the pussy off her face only long enough to shout, “I’M ACE,” before slapping her mouth back down into someone’s lap, then she’s ace, ACE. Maybe in the same way Larry Craig is straight, your friend is asexual—or, hey, maybe she’s asexual in the “gray-a” sense, i.e., under certain circumstances (awake, aware, conscious, alert, sentient), she experiences sexual attraction. Or maybe she’s not a gray-a who identifies as ace, but an actual asexual who is having sex for “other reasons.” A person doesn’t have to be celibate to be asexual or to identify as asexual, ACE, and until there’s an asexual accreditation agency—which there never will be and never should be—we’ll just have to take your friend’s word for it.

But just as asexuality is a thing, ACE, so, too, is bullshit. Denial is a thing, and sex shame is an incredibly destructive thing. Like the guy who has a lot of gay sex but refuses to identify as gay or bi, it’s possible your friend is just a messy closet case—a closeted sexual, someone who wants sex but doesn’t want to be seen as the kind of person who wants sex, since only bad people want sex. Some people twist themselves into the oddest knots so they can have what they want without having to admit they want it. But even if it sounds to you (and me) like your friend’s label is suspect, you should nevertheless hold your tongue and allow her to identify however she likes. Ask questions, sure, but challenging her label will only damage your relationship (or further damage it) and make you feel like a closeted, gatekeeping ace.

And if you find yourself getting annoyed when your ace-identified friend starts in on how she doesn’t really “need” all the sex she’s having, ACE, do what I used to do when I had to listen to guys I knew for a fact were having tons of gay sex (because they were having it with me) go on and on about how they didn’t really “need” cock: smile, nod, roll ’em over and fuck ’em in the ass again. (Feel free to swap “change the subject” for “roll ’em over” and “leave the room” for “fuck ’em in the ass.”)


Settle a dispute between friends: I’m a straight man who gets hit on fairly often by women, mostly at the gym. I usually respond with a variation on: “I would be interested but I’m married.” Some of my friends argue that by saying, “I’m interested but I’m married,” I’m telegraphing an interest in some sort of affair. That isn’t my intent. I mean it as a compliment. What I’m trying to communicate is: “You’re an attractive person who put yourself out there, and I don’t want to crush your spirit with a curt ‘No.’”

What is your take, Dan?

Mutual Attraction Rarely Results In Erotic Dalliances

Which is it, MARRIED: “I would be interested, but I’m married,” or, “I am interested, but I’m married”? Because there’s a difference between “I would” and “I am” in this context. When you say, “I would be interested, but I’m married,” you’re shutting it down: We could fuck if I wasn’t married, but I am, so we can’t. But when you say, “I am interested, but I’m married,” that can be read very differently: I’m down to fuck but—full disclosure—I’m married. If that’s OK with you, let’s find a stairwell and do this thing.

Would be politely shuts the door, MARRIED; am opens the door a crack and invites the sweaty woman at the gym to push against it to see if it’ll open all the way.

On the Lovecast, Alana Massey on the misguided Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love