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I’m a lesbian in a long-term relationship. After much conversation with my partner, we’ve decided to explore cuckolding role play together. I’m not comfortable bringing another person into the relationship—especially right now—but I am willing to explore this as a fantasy. The thing is, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do it. There’s not a lot of info out there on how to engage in cuck role play, especially between two women.

Could you point me in the right direction here so we can have some fun while remaining monogamous?

Couldn’t Undergo Cuckolding Kink’s Glories In Real Life

“You can definitely introduce cuckolding themes and even a cuck identity into your relationship while remaining monogamous,” said Thomas, a married gay man and former cuck blogger whose husband has cucked him many times IRL. “In fact, many cuckold relationships are monogamous, and cucking remains in the fantasy realm.”

Thomas even sees his relationship as monogamous—at least on his side. “The definition of monogamy varies greatly for each couple,” said Thomas, “and I do consider myself monogamous, because I’m the cuck, and so I don’t technically have sex with other guys. My husband does. I just get to watch sometimes.”

Let me quickly define terms for readers who somehow missed the 300 other columns I’ve written about cuckolding over the years: A cuckold relationship is a one-sided open relationship where one partner is free to have sex with other people, while the other partner remains faithful. What distinguishes a cuckold relationship from your standard open relationship in which one person doesn’t care to sleep around is the element of humiliation. In most cuckold relationships, GUCKGIRL, the cuck—the person who remains faithful—enjoys being teased or mocked by their “unfaithful” partner; sometimes the “unfaithful” partner’s lover or lovers, usually referred to as “bulls,” participate(s) in the erotic humiliation of the cuck partner.

Thomas created a popular Tumblr blog about gay male cuckold relationships back when there was very little information about gay cuckolds online, CUCKGIRL—much less gay cuckold porn or other resources. In fact, there was once such little info online or anywhere else about gay cuckolds that many people—myself included—weren’t convinced that gay cuckolding was actually a thing.

Cuckolding wasn’t a thing in Thomas’ marriage at the start. “Total monogamy had always been the plan,” said Thomas. “But I got interested after seeing some straight cuckold porn. I immediately identified with the cuck, but I was too embarrassed to bring it up with my husband, because it went against our vision of our marriage, but also because I only ever saw cuckolding represented in straight porn.” Raising awareness of gay cuckolds—and representing gay cuckold relationships—motivated Thomas to start his blog. So if you’re not finding anything out there about lesbian cuckolding, CUCKGIRL, perhaps you could borrow a page from Thomas’ playbook—and create the content and resources you would like to see.

Sadly, Thomas’ gay cuckolding blog is no more. His was just one of the many sex blogs—deeply personal passion projects, one and all—that were lost forever after the geniuses who ran Tumblr decided to purge adult content from their platform. In a matter of days, Tumblr saw its traffic fall by one-third—and its value crater. Yahoo paid $1.1 billion to acquire Tumblr back 2013, but six years and one porn purge later, the site sold for just $20 million—less than 2 percent of what Tumblr was worth when it still hosted Thomas’ gay cuckolding blog. (The moral of this story: Don’t fuck with gay cuckolds.)

Thomas thinks it’s entirely possible for you and your partner to enjoy lesbian cuckolding fantasies while keeping your relationship monogamous on both sides. Indeed, that’s what Thomas and his husband did for many years.

“My husband and I started playing around with cuckold fantasies several years into our marriage, and it remained a hot role-play fantasy for a long time,” said Thomas. “It was fun; it was sexy; and it improved our ability to communicate with each other about sex in general.”

They kept their fantasy play simple at first—for example, his husband would talk about a guy he found hot while Thomas blew him, or Thomas would tease his husband about a sexy new co-worker of his that he knew his husband had a crush on. They would use insertion toys and pretend they were other guys’ dicks; only gradually did they introduce some humiliating dirty talk into their cuckold role play, as Thomas’ husband become more comfortable with the idea of humiliating him. “Making use of cam sites is also a great way to explore if you’re comfortable with that level of monogamish,” said Thomas. “If you’re a cuck like me, watching your partner perform for someone else is incredibly erotic.”

A more-monogamous way to explore cuckolding without opening the relationship—not even a crack—is simply to ask your partner to tell you about her past sexual encounters. Listening to your partner talk about hot experiences she had with other women while you masturbate or while you two fuck is a great way to explore cuckolding without actually opening up your relationship. You’ll be bringing people up, CUCKGIRL, not bringing them in.

“But just as a gay cuckold couple’s fantasies aren’t identical to a straight couple’s cuckold fantasies, a lesbian couple’s fantasies aren’t going to be the same, either,” said Thomas. “CUCKGIRL and her partner just have to find their own way. But the most important thing is to keep communicating. Always communicate! If a particular form of role play isn’t working, tell your partner. And give each other veto powers, and go easy on yourself. Cuckolding is a fantasy that plays with your fears around monogamy and infidelity—it can be very hot, but it can be scary too. So take it slow.”

Like a lot of sex bloggers who were kicked off Tumblr, Thomas migrated over to Twitter, where he currently has more than 13,000 followers @gaycuckoldhubby.


I’m a straight lady in my mid-30s, and I just found out my husband of six years and partner for 10 has been cheating on me for the last five years. As far as I knew, we had a perfect marriage—probably the best relationship, sexual or otherwise, I’d ever been in. If this was a one-off affair, I think I could work past this—counseling, open marriage, some sort of solution. But the fact that he’s lied to me for the five years and that the sex was unsafe (I saw video) disturbs me.

My heart doesn’t want this to end—he’s been my best friend, lover and support system for 10 years—but my brain is telling me that even if we renegotiated the terms of our marriage, he’d deceive me again.

I’m working with a therapist, but what’s your take? Once a cheater, always a cheater? I don’t expect an all-knowing answer. But a little perspective would be helpful.

Duped Wife

For most of your marriage—for most of a marriage you describe as perfect—your husband was cheating on you. My perspective/two cents: Instead of regarding everything that worked about your marriage as a lie, instead of seeing every loving moment as just some part of your husband’s long and very selfish con, you might want to see what was good about your marriage, and what was bad about your husband, as two things that existed side-by-side. So instead of telling yourself, “This was a lousy marriage; it was all a lie; I just didn’t know it,” tell yourself, “It was a good marriage despite his cheating; it wasn’t all a lie; but it was a lot less perfect that I thought.” That’s where you’ll need to get if you want to stay in this marriage—and that may be the biggest “if” you’ll ever confront in your life.

While there are no studies that prove the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater,” studies have shown that someone who has cheated is more likely to cheat again. Not certain to cheat again, but more likely to cheat than someone who’s never cheated.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, particularly now.


I often masturbate thinking about the straight boy who wakes up in female underwear, tied up, gagged and pegged by a female. Is there a name for this fantasy?

Good And Simple Pervert

I can’t give you a name—a name for this sequence of events and mélange of kinks—but I know plenty of professional female dominants who would be happy to give you an estimate.

Do not miss the Planned Parenthood show—www.savagelovecast.com!

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I’m a 33-year-old woman in a relationship with a 43-year-old man. My boyfriend’s fantasy is to have a threesome with another man. He enjoys watching me have sex with other men and then intermittently fucking me—but he mostly likes to watch me get fucked. For a long time, my boyfriend would send nudes or videos of him fucking me to men we met on dating apps. We would talk dirty about it during sex. Recently, we met up with a man for the first time. I don’t think it went well.

My boyfriend and I have had conversations about my fear of contracting an STI. So before the threesome started, I explained to my boyfriend and the other guy that condoms were required. They both agreed. This guy was really nervous, and when he put a condom on, he went flaccid. He would try to fuck me with his flaccid, condom-covered penis, but it just didn’t work. He would take the condom off, jerk off, get semi-hard, put a condom back on, and go completely soft again. Even when I sucked the guy’s dick: nothing. (He actually told me to stop trying!) So my boyfriend, who was observing and jerking off, suggested we forget the condoms in the hopes this guy could stay hard. I said no and restated my boundary. The guy still couldn’t get it up, hopped out of bed and started getting dressed. My boyfriend offered to let the guy cream-pie me if he would stay. I said fuck no, and the guy left. He didn’t even say bye.

I don’t know why the guy couldn’t get hard. But I certainly don’t think my boundary should be compromised because a stranger can’t get it up.

My boyfriend keeps suggesting we meet up with this guy again so he can “get closure.” He really wants to watch this guy at least come on me. My boyfriend and this guy have since texted about him fucking me again. I’m all for being GGG, but ... what the fuck? I thought this guy was kind of an asshole. My boyfriend was definitely an asshole.

My questions are: If I’m uncomfortable during a threesome, how do I politely call it off? I don’t want to embarrass anyone, but this went on for two hours, and the guy never got it up. How do I terminate a threesome without sounding like a bitch?

Threesome Obviously Dried Up My Pussy

To politely call off a threesome, TODUMP, all you gotta say is, “Hey, this isn’t working for me—let’s take a rain check.” Say it while pulling up your pants and use your “final answer” voice.

The “rain check” thing doesn’t have to be sincere. It can be, of course, if you’re interested in trying again sometime, but it doesn’t have to be. The “rain check” thing is mostly a nice, polite, face-saving, ego-sparing way to ease someone out of your pants/bed/playroom/apartment/whatever. And if anyone starts arguing with you—if your third or your primary partner starts arguing with you—don’t worry about being polite, TODUMP. Go ahead and be a bitch: “This is over; you/they need to go; rain check rescinded, asshole/assholes.”

While we’re on the subject of terminating things with assholes, TODUMP, you need dump your incredibly shitty fucking boyfriend immediately—and there’s no need to be polite about it. Fuck him. Your boyfriend tried to coerce you into having sex without condoms when he knew you didn’t want to; you consented to having a threesome on the condition that condoms be used. Attempting to reopen negotiations about your stated boundaries once the threesome was underway was a violation of your consent. And your boyfriend knew you wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone and maliciously attempted to weaponize your consideration for other people’s feelings against you! Can’t you see that? He was hoping you wouldn’t embarrass him by refusing to have sex without condoms after he “offered” to let this guy cream-pie you (come inside you) to get him to stay! He was hoping you’d rather risk an STI than risk embarrassing or contradicting him! And on top of that, he spoke to this guy like it was up to him—up to them—what happened next, like you were a Fleshlight or tube sock or something!

Now your asshole boyfriend is pressuring you to get back together with a guy who couldn’t get it up with a condom on when he knows you don’t want to have sex without condoms? A guy who couldn’t be bothered to say goodbye after you sucked his fucking dick? And your boyfriend is claiming you owe him (or them) closure?

WTF?

This relationship should have been over the moment your boyfriend made it clear some stranger’s dick was more important to him than your health, safety and boundaries. In that moment—that moment he attempted to barter away your boundaries—he proved he can’t be trusted, and that you aren’t safe with him, TODUMP, alone or with a third.

DTMFA.

This is every woman’s nightmare scenario when it comes to cuckolding or hotwifing—that her boyfriend or husband will pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do during a sexual encounter with another man. Guys like your boyfriend not only don’t deserve to have GGG girlfriends or their fantasies fulfilled; they ruin things for other wannabe cucks, stags and hot husbands. He not only deserves to be alone forever, TODUMP; he deserves to be kicked in the balls forever.


One of my closest friends kissed me while very drunk and then told his female partner; now he’s not allowed to see me anymore, even in group settings. (I am also female.) I understand that cutting off contact is the universally recommended first step after someone cheats, but considering how close we are as friends, it is heartbreaking to think I might lose him over this one incident.

We are former co-workers, and we’ve been close friends and regular drinking buddies for 12 years. Nothing has EVER happened between us before this one very drunk night. We ended up making out on the sidewalk outside of a bar and exchanged a few semi-dirty text messages later that night, which—unfortunately for all of us—his partner saw. He thinks we just need to be patient, and one day, we’ll be able to pick up our friendship where we left off. While I know he needs to prioritize his partner now, I’m scared that we actually won’t be able to stay friends after this.

Do I just swallow my sadness about the likelihood of losing a best friend over a relatively minor infidelity? Or is there anything I can do to help the situation? FWIW: I’m in a happy open marriage and have never once tried to initiate anything with him. I’ve never been attracted to him before and wouldn’t want anything to happen between us again, anyway—even if the kiss was hot. Complicating matters, my friend wanted to re-raise the possibility of opening up his relationship with his partner, which he insists has nothing to do with me. (My friend is male, and his partner and I are both female.)

Friend With No Benefits

Hmm … I have a hunch you were something of a sore subject before this incident, FWNB, however isolated. If the text messages your friend’s partner saw confirmed fears she’d already been told were irrational, your exile is likely to last as long as their relationship does.

But take heart: If your friend decides to reopen discussions about opening up their relationship in the wake of this incident, your friend will likely be single again soon. If they do manage to stay together, FWNB, the only way to get back into her good graces—and back in your friend’s life—is to gracefully accept your exile. (Going to her and saying, “It only happened because we were so drunk!” isn’t quite the slam-dunk you think it is, seeing as you and her boyfriend are drinking buddies.) It’s a paradox, I realize, but if she sees that her boyfriend is willing to cut off all contact with you to set her mind at ease, FWNB, she may be willing to give your friendship her blessing down the road.

On the Lovecast—Raising children in a happy, poly home: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

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I’m a 30-year-old bi male. I’ve been with my wife for five years, and we’ve been married nine months.

A month into our relationship, I let her know that watching partners with other men has always been something I wanted, and that sharing this had caused all my previous relationships to collapse. Her reaction was the opposite of what I was used to: She said she respected my kink, and we both agreed we wanted to solidify our relationship before venturing down the cuckold road. Fast-forward a couple of years, and we are in a healthy relationship, living together, regularly visiting sex clubs (though playing only with each other), and beginning to add some cuckold dirty talk to our sex play. Then after I proposed, we got busy … with wedding plans. Sex and experimentation were set aside. Once we got married, we started … looking for a house. Sex again took a back seat.

Life has settled down now, and when I bring up my desire to see her with other men, she tells me she’s willing, but the conversation quickly ends. I have suggested making profiles on various websites, but it doesn’t happen.

Am I doing something wrong? I fear that saying, “Let’s make a profile right now,” is pushy, and I absolutely do NOT want to be the whiny, pushy husband. Any advice you might have would be amazing.

Wannabe Cuckold Growing Frustrated

So you don’t want to be pushy where the wife is concerned, WCGF—but you’ll send me the same e-mail a half-dozen times in less than a week.

Look, WCGF, some people mean it when they say, “We can have threesomes/go to BDSM parties/try cuckolding once our relationship is solid.” But some people don’t mean it. They tell their kinky and/or nonmonogamous partner what they want to hear in the hopes that after the wedding and the house and the kids, their husband and the father of their children (or their wife and the mother of their children) isn’t going to leave them over something as “trivial” as a threesome, a public spanking or cuckolding. Complicating matters further: Some people say it and mean it and then change their mind.

To figure out what’s going on (and to figure out whether you’re doing something wrong), you’re going to need to risk being a little pushy—not about putting up a profile, but about having a conversation. You’re ready for this to happen; she tells you she is willing, but nothing ever happens. If she does want it to happen, what steps can you take together to make it happen? If she doesn’t want it to happen—if she never wanted it to happen—you need her to level with you.

Remember, WCGF, she’s the one being asked to take the risks here—it’s her picture you want to put on a profile, not yours; she’s the one who’s going to potentially be meeting up with strangers for sex, not you; she’s the one who is risking exposure to STIs, not you. (Although you could wind up exposed, too, of course. But just because you’re comfortable with that risk doesn’t mean she is.) She also might worry that you’re going to want her to fuck other guys way more often than she’s comfortable with. There are a lot of solid reasons why she might have developed cold feet, and by addressing her concerns constructively—no face pics, no strangers, no cream pies, it can be a very occasional thing—you might make some progress.

But if it turns out this isn’t something she wants to do—because she never did or because she changed her mind—then you have to decide whether going without being cuckolded is a price of admission you’re willing to pay to stay in this marriage.


I did one of the things you always say is bad, immature and hurtful: I was a jerk to my girlfriend for weeks, because I wanted her to break up with me. I know it was cowardly. I think she is a great woman, but I just wasn’t into the relationship, and I let it go longer than I should have. I felt terrible that she loved me and I didn’t love her back, and I didn’t want to hurt her.

My question is this: Why do you think sabotaging a relationship in this way is so bad? I’m glad she hates me now. She can feel anger instead of sadness. I didn’t want to be a “great guy” who did the right thing when the relationship needed to end. I want her to think I’m awful so she can move on with her life. If I said all the right things, that makes me more attractive and a loss. I’ve had women do that to me—break up with me the “right” way—and I respected them more and felt more in love with them and missed them more. I still think about them, because they were so kind and respectful when they dumped me. I prefer the relationships I’ve had that ended with hatred, because at least I knew we weren’t good for each other, and the end was no skin off my back.

Isn’t it better this way? (I’ve got no sign-off that creates a clever acronym. Make one up if you want to publish my letter.)

Annoying Shittiness Should Help Outraged Lovers Escape

I did what I could with your sign-off.

Being a jerk to someone you’re not interested in seeing anymore in the hopes that they’ll dump you is never OK. It’s certainly not a favor you’re doing them, ASSHOLE, if for no other reason than they’re unlikely to call it quits at the first sign of your assholery. When someone’s actions (jerkishness, assholery) conflict with their words (“I love you, too, sweetheart”), the person on the receiving end of crazy-making mixed messages rarely bolts immediately. They seek reassurance. They ask the person who’s being an asshole to them if they’re still good, if everything’s OK, if they’re still in love.

And those aren’t questions the person being an asshole can answer honestly, ASSHOLE, because honest answers would end the relationship. And that’s not how the asshole wants it, right? The asshole doesn’t want to honestly end things themselves; the asshole wants to dishonestly (and dishonorably) force the other person to end the relationship. So the asshole says we’re good; everything’s OK; I still love you, etc., and then dials the assholery up a little more.

Does the other person bolt then? Nope. The other person asks all those same questions again; the asshole offers up the same lying assurances; and the other person asks again and is fed more lies. This sometimes goes on for years before the person being emotionally abused by a lying asshole decides they can’t take it anymore and ends the relationship—often over the objections of the person who wanted out all along!

Gaslighting isn’t a term I throw around often or loosely, ASSHOLE, but what you describe doing—and what you’re attempting to rationalize as a gift of some sort—may be the most common form of gaslighting. Nothing about being gaslighted in this manner makes it easier to bounce back after a relationship ends. It makes it harder. Yeah, yeah, your ex “gets” to be mad at you, but she’s going to have a much harder time trusting anyone after dating you, because your assholery will likely cause her to doubt her own judgment. (“This new guy says he loves me, but the last guy—that fucking asshole—said he loved me, over and over again, and it was a lie. What if this guy is lying to me, too?”)

These brand-new insecurities, a parting gift from you, may cause her to end or sabotage relationships that could have been great. As for your worry that a person may wind up carrying a torch for an ex who ends things with kindness and respect: Well, torches have a way of burning out over time, and it’s even possible to will yourself to set a torch down, and walk away from it. But the kind of emotional damage done by actions like yours, ASSHOLE? That shit can last a lifetime.

On the Lovecast, erotic hypnosis with Michal Daveed: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; humpfilmfest.com.

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I’m a straight woman and have been sexually active for about six years. I’m in my mid-20s now, and I’m about ready to become a “man-hating feminist.”

I feel like I can figure out what a guy wants in bed pretty easily. I cannot remember a single time when I’ve had sex with a guy that he has not had an orgasm. I, on the other hand, have never had an orgasm. Quite the opposite! I’ve barely even been aroused lately when I am having sex, because it’s easy to tell when the guy I’m with just wants to come, and that is the only thing on his mind. This makes me want to just get it over with.

I’ve become really angry with the male population and their lack of care for pleasing a woman. Will it take a Women’s Pleasure Revolution for men to realize that their female counterparts have needs, too? Granted, I’ve had sex with only five guys—but in my mind, Dan, that’s five too many. I also have girlfriends in the same boat. Men skip foreplay; they don’t return the favor when it comes to oral; and they’re so eager to get their penises in my vagina that they barely touch me before doing so! THIS MAKES ME FEEL USED. I’m a giving woman by nature, but I feel like men just take.

I don’t hate men. I actually really like men. In fact, I was madly in love with one of the five.

Really Enraged/Vexed Over Lazy Turds

“Lots of foreplay, mutual oral, enough touch to get me going or, better yet, get me off at least once—all of these things have to happen before we fuck.” Practice saying that in a mirror, REVOLT, and then say it out loud to the next guy you sleep with. Say it and mean it. And if those things don’t happen—if he skips the foreplay or won’t go down on you or refuses to touch you with anything other than his dick—then he doesn’t get to fuck you. Get up; get dressed; and go. The sooner you walk out on guys who don’t want to do those things, the sooner you’ll find yourself in bed with guys who do. So no more having sex to “get it over with” (GIOW), and no more sticking around for shitty GIOW sex that leaves you feeling used.

Some guys will be happy to see you go. Given a choice between a woman they can’t treat like a crusty tube sock and an actual crusty tube sock, a statistically significant percentage of straight guys will choose the crusty tube sock. Don’t waste your precious time or pussy on guys like that. And don’t waste a moment of your time or any of your pussy on guys who will engage in a little half-assed foreplay or go down on you for 30 seconds before they try to stick their dicks in you. Only fuck the guys who enjoy foreplay and are excited to eat your pussy before fucking you—or instead of fucking you.

The revolution you want isn’t going to come because some homo ordered straight boys everywhere to start engaging in foreplay and eating pussy. The revolution is only going to come—you’re only going to come—if you and your friends and all women everywhere stop settling for GIOW sex. Now, some women have GIOW sex because they’re afraid a guy might react violently if they withdraw consent. They fear male violence, and that’s a sadly reasonable fear. But too many women have GIOW sex to avoid disappointing male partners who have already disappointed them; too many women slap on a smile and fake an orgasm to spare the feelings of dudes who don’t give a shit about their feelings or their pleasure.

You say you were in love with one of the five guys you had sex with, REVOLT, which I hope means you didn’t fear him and could talk to him. Yet every single time you had sex, you allowed this guy to essentially masturbate inside you. You didn’t stick up for yourself; you didn’t advocate for your own pleasure; you didn’t say, “Here’s what you need to do to please me.” Take a little personal responsibility here: You let Mr. One-In-Five get away with it. He let you down—he should have been more proactive about pleasing you—but you also let yourself down. No more. Insist on more and better from here on out, REVOLT, and you will get more and better.

By the way: If what you meant by “I have never had an orgasm” is that you’ve never had an orgasm at all, ever, alone or with a partner, then you need to start masturbating right now. You’ll enjoy partnered sex more if you know what it takes to make you come, and you can show your partners exactly what that looks like. And whether you’re already masturbating or not, please get your hands on a copy of The Vagina Bible, Jen Gunter’s new book on everything vaginal, vulval and clitoral.


I’m a straight woman in my mid-30s. For most of my adult life, I’ve gotten off on fantasizing about my boyfriends fucking other women. So far, it’s been fantasy-only, but I’m intrigued by the prospect of a real cuckquean scenario. However, I’ve always been reluctant to share my kink. It’s not that I fear rejection or judgment; I think most guys would be into it, including the lovely man I’m currently in a committed relationship with. Rather, it’s my own discomfort with a kink that I fear stems from an unhealthy emotional place. Insecurity, avoiding intimacy and difficulty trusting men are all issues I’ve struggled with, and the cuckquean kink plays right into all of that. I’ve worked with therapists over the years and gotten into a somewhat solid place emotionally. Alas, my kink remains, and has gotten stronger to the point where I’m imagining my guy fucking someone else about 99 percent of the time in order to come. I wish I could get more enjoyment from “normal” sex.

I’ve read your column long enough to know that I should probably just embrace my kink and enjoy it. But while I’m trying my damnedest to be sex-positive, I can’t get around the nagging feeling that there’s something “unhealthy” about this fantasy. If my kink is based on specific insecurities/fears, do they get even more hardwired into my brain with every orgasm?

This Reluctant Cuckquean

Two quick questions: (1) How much more hardwired could something possibly become if you already have to think about it 99 percent of the time in order to climax? (2) What if imagining your guy fucking other women is “normal” sex for you?

A lot of people’s kinks are essentially eroticized fears: the fear of being humiliated, the fear of being exposed, the fear of being cheated on, etc. Not everyone eroticizes these fears, of course, but so many of us do that it really should be covered in sex-ed courses. In your case, TRC, your erotic imagination took something that scares you—being cheated on—and turned it into something that arouses you.

The difference between your worst fear and your ultimate turn-on is control. If your man fucks another woman, it will happen because you wanted it to (you gave him permission), and there will be something in it for you (it will get you off). Which is not to say you ever have to act on this. You don’t. Plenty of straight men are turned on by the fantasy of their wives being with other men but know they couldn’t handle the reality of it, so they enjoy it as a fantasy only. But they don’t—or the healthy ones don’t—deny themselves the fantasy, whether it’s just playing it out in their heads or their monogamous partners indulging them with a little cheating-centered dirty talk during sex.

We can’t will kinks away, TRC; we can only embrace and accept them. Again, that doesn’t mean we have to act on them—some fantasies can never be realized for moral reasons—but to beat ourselves up about our kinks is a waste of time.

On the Lovecast, rival advice columnist E. Jean Carroll: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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I am a bi, white, married man—35 years old and living in a big Midwestern city. I’d like to know what’s going on in my psyche—from a sex-research perspective.

I’ve been hung up on cuckold fantasies with my female partner for years now. I’m a creative person, and I’m especially fond of creative fantasizing in bed, and my partner enjoys this as well. But nine times out of 10, I’m spinning a yarn about her fucking other men, whether it’s a threesome, cuckolding with me watching, or her going out on dates and coming home a delicious mess. These fantasies took an unexpected turn when I asked her to share stories about people she fucked in the past. She obliged—and holy shit, was I turned on. The only unfortunate thing is that she did not have many great sexual experiences in the past, so she feels like there is not a lot to share. Anyway, we have an amazing sex life, obviously, and I feel no shame whatsoever about these fantasies or how turned on her memories make us. I’m just curious as to why it turns me on so much. I know others have similar kinks, but it seems so antithetical to the heteronormative expectations of what I should be turned on by.

Any ideas?

Fantasies Reliably Enhance Every Dalliance

“‘Why am I like this?’ questions are always rabbit holes,” said Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, author and sex researcher. “We create rich, satisfying stories that are really just a form of mental masturbation—no bust on masturbation—when the truth is, at least at this point, we really have no clear idea why people have any of the unique sexual fantasies they do.”

Dr. Ley literally wrote the book on cuckolding: Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.

One popular explanation for why being cuckolded might turn a man on—why knowing his wife or girlfriend had fucked someone else (or was fucking someone else in front of him) might turn a guy on—was the “sperm competition” theory. To quickly summarize: A man who suspects his female partner recently had sex with another male—and whose reptile brain believes the other man’s semen might be “present” inside her—will have a more powerful and voluminous orgasm when he next mates with his female partner in an effort to “flood out” his competitor’s semen. For a time, many sex researchers theorized that male swingers and cuckolds were subconsciously inducing “sperm competition” reactions—i.e., they were in it for the more-powerful orgasms.

“Unfortunately, much of the research into sperm competition is now suspect, due to a failure to replicate many of these findings,” said Dr. Ley. “So to a degree, we’re now saying, ‘You know, it’s complicated. Everyone is different, and there are no simple answers.’”

And now that we’ve said that, FREED, Dr. Ley, who has worked with many cuckold couples, has noticed patterns—and he’s willing to put out some alternative theories of his own.

“Many cuckolds have a desire to engage bisexually with other men, using their wife’s body as a sort of proxy,” said Dr. Ley. “Given that FREED is a bi male in a heterosexual relationship, these cuckold fantasies might be a way for him to express his bisexuality while including his wife. Additionally, vicarious erotic fulfillment is often a central component in many cuckold fantasies. This goes beyond simple voyeurism—and FREED’s comment about his wife’s regret at not having enough sexual experiences to share offers us a clue in this direction. Many cuckolds celebrate their partners being sexually unrestrained. FREED might just be turned on by the idea of his wife cutting loose and sharing that supercharged erotic energy with other partners—past, present and future.”

Finally, FREED, I wanted to add a “ding, ding, ding” to something you mentioned at the end of your letter: The erotic power of doing something that seems antithetical to the heteronormative and/or vanilla-normative expectations heaped on us by culture, religion, family, etc., should never be underestimated. While not everyone is turned on by the thought of transgressing against sexual or social norms, a significant percentage is. So long as our normative-busting transgressive turn-ons can be realized with other consenting adults, we should worry less about the “why” and more about the “when,” “where” and “how.” (Now, in private, and safely!)

Follow Dr. Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.


I’m a 35-year-old married man with two beautiful small children. I knew I was a cuckold before I met my wife. As soon as things got somewhat serious, I made this very clear, as I had learned repeatedly that my desire for a cuckold relationship almost certainly spelled doom. While we were dating, she cuckolded me multiple times and seemed very accepting of the idea. I was in heaven, as I finally felt accepted for me. I remember very clearly on the day of our elopement discussing that this was more than a kink for me—it was central to my sexuality, and I needed her buy-in before committing for life.

We played a time or two after we got married, but my wife’s interest in the lifestyle greatly decreased. After we had children (the first child four years ago), her interest in cuckolding evaporated. It’s entirely gone. I accepted this for some time due to having young children. When I broached the subject recently, she expressed legitimate concerns around STIs, pregnancy and being “found out” by friends/family. But this is something I need, as I made clear before we married. It’s not just a “kink” for me.

I love my wife, and I don’t want to pressure her into having sex with others, but I’m hurt and frustrated. I can’t help but feel like I had a bait-and-switch pulled on me. What do I do? Be thankful for the things I do have? Ask to go to a sex-positive therapist? Ask for a divorce? I’m lost, hurt, confused and angry.

Cuckold Has Understandable Regrets Now

Cuckolding may be something you need, CHURN, but it’s something you’re asking the wife to do. And the doing presents more risks for her—the risks of STIs and pregnancy fall entirely on her, as she pointed out. And if people were to find out (or suspect) she was sleeping around, the “shame” and potential social ostracism would fall entirely on her, too. Even if you were to tell anyone who found out that it was consensual and/or that you were a cuckold, it’s not like she wouldn’t still be shamed or ostracized. Judgmental family and friends would just heap equal portions of shame on you, too.

To your credit, CHURN, you acknowledged the legitimacy of your wife’s concerns. And I’m going to acknowledge the legitimacy of your frustrations: You told her before you eloped that you needed this to be happy, and she didn’t just agree to it; she was (or seemed) enthused about it. I might be inclined to see this as a bait-and-switch myself if you didn’t have children. Even the most adventurous people—sexual or otherwise—tend to become risk-averse when their children are young, and I imagine your wife is currently some combo of highly risk-averse and completely overwhelmed. (Hey, are you doing your fair share of the housework and child care?)

Instead of threatening to divorce her (which would amount to pressuring her), I would encourage you to find a sex-positive counselor who can help you two talk about what your sex life can look like once your children are a little older. If she can express it without being expected to act on it tomorrow, my hunch is your wife can see cuckolding you again once your kids are older. Since finding women who are into this isn’t easy, as you already know, it would be in your own self-interest to take the long view and be patient.

In the meantime, CHURN, content yourself with hot memories of all the times the wife cuckolded you in the past—and hot dirty talk about all the times she’s going cuckold you in the future.

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I’m a man with a very liberal background. Recently, a girl I started dating—a girl from a similar background—mentioned that she has “a thing for black guys.” She also met my childhood best friend, a man of Korean descent, and commented to me that she found him handsome despite not typically being attracted to Asian guys.

The position that I’ve always held is that we’re attracted to individuals, not types, and it’s wrong to have expectations of people based on race—especially when it comes to sexualizing/fetishizing people. I think we should date and have sex with whomever we want and not carry prejudiced expectations into our relationships. I am worried she sees black men as stereotypes of athleticism, confidence and the other complicated constructions we’ve made about the black body, like black men having bigger dicks. I also worry that she might see me as less masculine and less well-endowed because of my race.

I eventually asked her about these issues, and we had a tense conversation. I tried to ask if she had ever checked herself for possible prejudice where her sexual desires are concerned, and she shut the conversation down by accusing me of trying to control her. I reassured her that I wasn’t trying to control her, but it is possible I was projecting the insecurity her comments stirred in me into the conversation. I’m trying to balance two components: my own insecurity and the possibility that she’s holding a legitimately prejudiced opinion that makes me uncomfortable.

Any advice?

Seeking To Interrogate Newish Girlfriend’s Statements

It’s a big leap from, “I have a thing for black guys,” to, “White guys aren’t masculine or well-endowed,” STINGS, and you made that leap on your own. So in addition to confronting your new girlfriend about her attitudes and assumptions … you might want to give some thought to your own?

That said, the things your girlfriend has said about black and Asian men are legit problematic. When someone describes their attraction to a certain group, racial or otherwise, as “a thing,” that usually means they see members of that group as things—and in a society that dehumanizes black people, white people can easily come to see black people as objects.

As for her comment about your Korean friend: Prevailing beauty standards shape our ideas about attractiveness, and those standards are shaped by our rabidly racist culture. A person socialized to only recognize the beauty of men or women of European descent may not even consider—they may not even be able to perceive—the attractiveness of people who aren’t white. And then when someone of a different race does manage to make a blip on their sex radar, it comes as a surprise. But instead of reconsidering their ideas about attractiveness, a dumb fucking white person—even one from a liberal background—is likelier to say something stupid like, “I don’t usually find Asian guys hot, but your Korean friend is attractive,” rather than rethinking their assumptions about their desires. Declaring one Asian guy an exception allows someone like your girlfriend to have her racist cake (“I don’t find Asian guys hot”) and eat it too (“But this Asian guy is hot”).

It’s a shame your girlfriend reacted defensively when you tried to bring all this up, STINGS, but sometimes people react defensively in the moment and then keep thinking about it. My advice: Keep bringing it up—but it would help if you owned your own shit during these conversations (and you have some shit of your own) rather than just self-righteously going after your girlfriend for her shit.

I have to say, though, I disagree with you on one thing: People do have types, and there’s nothing wrong with having types. It’s a good idea to ask ourselves whether our “types” are actually ours and not just assigned to us by conventional standards of beauty (white, slim, young) or a thoughtless/fetishizing reaction to those standards (a desire to transgress with nonwhite, larger or older folks).


I’m a middle-aged African-American man. I’m single. I dress well; I’m fit; I cycle to work; I eat healthy, etc. I live in a basement apartment on a narrow street in a large city. My only window faces the street.

After showering, and pretty much whenever I’m home, I’m naked while walking around my apartment. A young white couple moved in across the street, and they have an unobstructed view into my apartment. At first, I would notice the woman standing at the window looking my way as I toweled off. Then the male as well. And when I masturbate, which I sometimes do after a shower, I noticed them both making several passes by their windows to look. Later, I noticed the male coming out late in the evening when the view into my apartment is at its optimum to watch me masturbate. He seems very interested. The woman will come outside and sit on the steps in the morning and look directly into my apartment at me while drinking her coffee. More than once, she has run her hand up the inside of her thigh as she’s watching. Also I’ve noticed that their shades, which used to be closed most of the time, are always wide open with lights on so I can clearly see them in their apartment.

I’m sure the woman knows that I want her—and the male seems to be exhibiting bi tendencies (something I’m not interested in at all). In your opinion, are these two a voyeur couple or a submissive cuckold couple? How should I approach to seduce? If she’s sitting on her steps, can I go over and say, “Good morning,” to break the ice? The other day, I left just as she was going out, and we walked past each other. I thought about saying something, but I don’t want to appear to be chasing her.

And what’s up with the guy?

Display Attracts Neighbors’ Glazed Looks Everyday

I once dated a guy who was arrested in his own apartment at 10 in the morning for masturbating in front of an open window. Granted, he lived across the street from a school (a university, not a middle school), and that may have had something to do with it. But he was a white guy, DANGLE, and considering all the ways African-American men are targeted by the police, I feel obligated to warn you—well, I feel obligated to warn you about something you already know: Cops are always looking for an excuse to arrest or harass a black man, and your exhibitionism could attract the attentions not just of horny neighbors, but also the authorities.

That said, DANGLE, if everything is as you describe it—if this isn’t a case of dickful thinking on your part—it sounds like this couple is interested. “Interest” is a spectrum, of course, and they could find it interesting to live across the street from a hot, in-shape exhibitionist, and difficult to look away, without actually wanting to be fucked (her) or be cuckolded (him) by you. But if they’re staring into your apartment while you walk around naked and throwing open the curtains so you can stare into theirs, I’d say the ice has already been broken. So say hello the next time you run into them on the street. Keep that first convo light, neighborly and nonsexual, and see where it leads. But if during that first convo, they invite you over for a beer sometime … well, that’s a Yahtzee. But even then, don’t make any assumptions or sudden moves: Use your words; draw them out; make sure everyone is on the same page.

As for the guy: Maybe he’s bi. Maybe he’s a cuck. Maybe he’s the woman’s gay roommate. There’s only one way to find out what’s up with him: Say hello, and get to know them.

On the Lovecast, it’s the one-minute-wonder show: savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love Live swooped into Seattle’s Egyptian Theater and Denver’s Oriental Theater recently. I couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at these sold-out shows—there were so many great questions, and I’m just one lousy advice columnist—so I’m going to power through as many as I can in this week’s column.

Weddings are terrible. I attended “Dueling Dallas Lesbian Weddings,” and both couples are pressuring me to tell them whose wedding was better (or better in the eyes of social media). Am I obligated to “rat” these couples out to each other?

Weddings aren’t terrible; people are—some of them, not all of them. But you certainly aren’t obligated to “rat” these couples out to each other. You aren’t even obligated to speak to any of these terrible people again.

What is the best relationship advice you’ve ever received?

Cup the balls.

I’ve been talking to a guy for four months, and we still haven’t met in person. He’s recently divorced, and I find it odd that he is all into me with sexting, etc., but doesn’t want to meet. What do I do?

Stop wasting your time.

I have always loved anal sex with my partner of more than a decade. He loves it, too. We’ve noticed a trend over the years where he gets melancholy after we have anal sex. He doesn’t know why. Do you have any ideas or theories about why?

Nope.

How do I make sure I enjoy my upcoming wedding instead of worrying about how it will go?

Elope.

I’m a woman, and I’ve been in a relationship for two years. My partner is not able to make me orgasm. He is my first lover. HELP.

If you can make yourself come, show your partner how you do it. If you can’t make yourself come—if you’re one of those people who have never masturbated—start masturbating; learn how to make yourself come; and then show him how you do it.

My boyfriend is a cuckold and very into the humiliation aspect of cuckolding. I’ve been hooking up with one guy who is so into humiliating my boyfriend that it’s kind of freaking me out. They message each other so much; I feel like I’m the one being cheated on!

You get the D. Let your boyfriend have the DMs.

We are married 10 years, monogamish, pansexual. My friends are opening up their relationship, and so are we. Any good reason I shouldn’t have sex with my friends?

Only the most obvious one: If someone gets hurt, these friendships could end. But friendships end all the time without anyone getting off, so …

I’m 31; he’s 44. I know how you feel about splitting the rent in proportion to income, but my higher-earning boyfriend points out that I’ve opted for more leisure time and less stress with my lower-paying job. How should we split the rent?

Someone making two or three times as much money as their partner should be willing to pay more of the rent. Splitting the rent 50/50 wouldn’t be fair, particularly if the higher earner wants a larger and/or nicer space, because then the partner making more money is effectively having their lifestyle subsidized by the one making less. But if someone chooses to make less money because they want more leisure time, they shouldn’t expect to have that choice underwritten by a partner making more money. I don’t think they should pay half the rent—but a higher percentage of their income should go toward the rent.

How can I nicely convince my girlfriend to have anal sex?

By using your words—your best noncoercive, nonthreatening, willing-to-take-no-for-an-answer words. And it will help if you tell her you’re willing to take it slow and willing to take turns.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t feel it is “appropriate” to tell me he is in love with me. I want so bad to have our “I love you” moment. What should I do?

Say it to him—and if he doesn’t hit you with an “I love you, too,” then either he’s not in love with you, or he’s in love with you and knows how badly you want to hear him say “I love you,” but he won’t say it because he likes to torture you.

My partner discovered—with someone else—that she loves BDSM, including pain and humiliation. I’m trying, but she’s not impressed. What do I do?

Presumably your partner doesn’t love BDSM to the exclusion of all the hot vanilla sex she’d been having with you previous to this discovery. So instead of trying to be something or someone you’re not, let your partner enjoy BDSM with others while making sure you two maintain your sexual connection by continuing to explore your shared sexual interests.

Blair says all blowjobs should end with a swallow. Thoughts?

Blair is entitled to Blair’s opinion, but Blair isn’t the boss of blowjobs.

I’ve been with my partner for two years. We love each other and have no real issues—except family. I’m out of the closet to everyone in my life. My partner is, too. Her mom “accepts” her being gay, except around extended family. At family gatherings, her mom pretends my partner is heterosexual and interested in men, as if our two-year relationship doesn’t exist. Is it OK that I think this is not OK?

It’s OK that you don’t find this at all OK. But I’m curious what your partner thinks. Presumably your partner isn’t a houseplant—which means she must have feelings about this, and presumably she’s capable of communicating those feelings to her mother.

How do you introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship?

Suddenly and without warning—trust me, the element of surprise is crucial when it comes to kinky sex. Joking! For the record: You introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship by first initiating a conversation about your sexual interests, and if there’s interest on both sides, gradually and slowly introducing JV BDSM play into your relationship.

I ran into a co-worker at a fetish party, and he was wearing a “URINAL” T-shirt. Does that mean what I think it means?

It means you don’t have to leave your workstation when you need to take a piss.

Thanks to everyone who came to Savage Love Live in Seattle and Denver! Savage Love Live is coming to San Francisco (with Stormy Daniels!), Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis (with Stormy Daniels!), Toronto and Somerville. For more info and tickets, go to savagelovecast.com/events.

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months. Prior to dating, I was clear with him that I would need to open our relationship at some point. He initially hesitated to respond, but then agreed we could do that when the time came. That time has come much quicker than I anticipated, but I feel like he’ll renege on his end of things because of many comments he’s made recently—comments like not understanding or liking nonmonogamy, and how “his woman” sleeping around is a deal-breaker. Is this a DTMFA situation?

Specified Open Relationship Early

Early on, you let your boyfriend know that openness “at some point” was your price of admission—the price he’d have to pay to be with you—and now he’s letting you know that monogamy is his price of admission. What’s going on here? Well, sometimes Person A tells Person B what Person A knows Person B wants to hear regarding Topic X in the hopes that Person B will feel differently about Topic X after the passage of time or after Person B has made a large emotional investment in Person A. In many cases, Person A has the best intentions—by which I mean Person A isn’t being consciously manipulative, but rather Person A sincerely hopes Person B will come to feel differently about Topic X, or that they, Person A themselves, will. But considering how little time has passed, SORE—it hasn’t even been three months, and he’s saying shitty/judgy things to you about nonmonogamy and sexist/controlling things about “his woman”—it seems clear that your boyfriend wasn’t being sincere; he was being manipulative. DTMFA.


This is another request for a kinky neologism. How about those of us who like the idea of our significant other having sex with somebody else, but who aren’t into full-on cuckold-style humiliation? “Cuckold” implies a level of subordination that just isn’t my thing, and “hotwifing,” besides sounding incredibly sleazy, assumes that it’s a couple that is opposite-sex and married, and the guy is only interested in watching. Can you or the hive mind solve this problem?

Cuck In Name Only

I don’t think the term “hotwifing” is inherently heterosexist, as there are gay men and straight women out there into “hothusbanding.” (They get off on sharing their hot spouses with others, aren’t necessarily interested in getting with anyone else themselves, and don’t, à la cuckolds, get off on humiliation.) But if that term doesn’t appeal to you, CINO, there’s already an alternative: stags (a man who may or may not be dominant who likes to share his partner and may or may not participate) and vixens (a woman who may or may not be submissive who enjoys having sex with others in front of her partner and may or may not share them with others, too).


I’ve experienced anal itching in the past, and I’m not ashamed to say I enjoyed it. It felt so insanely good to satisfy that itching inside. I can find lots of information about relieving anal itching, but I can’t find anything about inducing it for pleasure.

Into Tormenting Clean Heinie

According to the Mayo Clinic, keeping your ass too clean or letting it get too dirty can induce anal itching, as can pinworms, diabetes and anal tumors. Seeing as you probably don’t want diabetes or rectal cancer, and since pinworms aren’t for sale at your local bait shop, ITCH, you could try scrubbing your ass with harsh soaps, which is what the Mayo Clinic urges people who don’t want itchy anuses to avoid. (I reversed engineered their advice for you. You’re welcome.) Good luck, and please don’t write back to let us know how you’re progressing, OK?


I am a 24-year-old pansexual trans woman, and I feel sexually broken. Hormones have made it nearly impossible for me to top a partner. I’m able to do it once in a while, but not as much or as reliably as I would like. Additionally, hormones have messed up my digestive system and made bottoming difficult. I’m also relatively sexually inexperienced, which means I’m enthusiastic about oral but not very good at it. This leaves me feeling like I bring nothing to the table.

Horny But Sex Is Thorny

Getting good at oral—like getting good at anything—takes a little practice. Let your prospective partners know you’re relatively inexperienced, and you’ll be far likelier to wind up in bed with patient and supportive people who will let you practice on them. As for bottoming, hopefully your guts will settle down in time. As for topping, well, lots of women use strap-on dildos for penetration. Having a strap-on at the ready and actively seeking out partners who don’t regard strap-on sex as a consolation prize (or a fail) will allow you to experiment with penetration without the pressure of having to produce or sustain an erection. You can switch back and forth between your dick and the dildo as needed, and being able to make it happen for your lover—using whatever tools you need—will build your confidence.

And you’re not broken, HBSIT. You are, like all of us, a work in progress. Good luck.


I’m a college professor. Several female students have confided in me they’re having trouble finding guys. (They’re not hitting on me—and even if they were, no way am I dating a student.) These girls are smart, nice, interesting, and usually obese. You and I both know that in this imperfect world, many (most?) people place importance on looks. But how do I tell them that? A straight, single, male professor telling a female student, even gently, that dropping 20 pounds might help her dating prospects is extremely risky.

Professionally Risky Observation Flummoxes

Oh my god. Keep your mouth shut. First, because it’s an asshole thing to say—never mind the professional risk—and second, because it’s not true. (Welcome to America, PROF, where most people are overweight or obese, and most people are partnered or married.)

The likelier culprit here (besides a skewed sample size and confirmation bias) is the scarcity of available male partners. Women now significantly outnumber men on college campuses: “Where men once went to college in proportions far higher than women—58 percent to 42 percent as recently as the 1970s—the ratio has now almost exactly reversed,” Jon Marcus wrote in the Atlantic. Graduating will probably do more to improve their romantic prospects than dropping 20 pounds.


I recently broke up with a girl because she didn’t know what plate tectonics was. We dated for three months. Great sex! Loved cooking together! Enjoyed spending time with her! But she was raised Mormon—and more important than that, she was simply NOT CURIOUS about science and the world. In all honesty, I think she’s a little dumb, although she doesn’t come off that way.

Science! Politics! Philosophy! All of these things are important in my life! Am I wrong for breaking up with her?

Date Tectonics

No! You did her a favor! I knew nothing about classical music before I fell in love with someone who’s passionate about classical music. I know a lot about it now, and I actually enjoy it—but I didn’t get there in three months. My husband didn’t follow the news closely until he fell in love with a news junkie. Now he’s a daily reader of The New York Times and The Washington Post—but he didn’t get there in three months. The more time we spent together, the more interest we took in each other’s interests.

There’s a lesson in here for you somewhere, DT, but I’m going to let you tease it out—because you’re CURIOUS and SMART, right?

On the Lovecast, Dan interviews sociologist and author Nicholas A. Christakis: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m an early-30s hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We’ve been together 10 years, married seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc. We have sex fairly regularly, and it’s not bad.

However, his primary sexual fetish and main turn-on is furry porn—namely, cartoon images. He doesn’t self-identify as a furry; he doesn’t have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was up front about this with me once we started getting serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He seems only marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more-intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn’t allow me to meet him halfway. Real-life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him. (I’ve offered.) We have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I’ve found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on.

I consider myself a fairly sexual person, and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. We’re talking about starting a family, and I’m scared that the pressures that come with parenthood would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

Nothing I write is going to fix this—and nothing I write is going to fix him, FURS, not that your husband is broken. He is who he is, and he had the decency to let you know who he was before you married him. But nothing I write is going to put you at the center of your husband’s erotic inner life. Nothing I write is going to inspire him to initiate more (or at all) or cause him to be more enthusiastic about sex. Nothing I write is going to make your husband want you the way you want to be wanted, desire you the way you want to be desired, and fuck you the way you want to be fucked.

So the question you need to ask yourself before you make babies with this man—the question I would have urged you to ask yourself before you married this man—is whether you can live without the pleasure you get from being desired. Is that the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this man? Maybe it once was, but is it still? Because if monogamy is what you want or what he wants or what you both want, FURS, then choosing to be with this man—choosing to be with someone you enjoy spending time with, who’s “not bad” at sex, whose most passionate erotic interests direct him away from you—means going without the pleasure of being wanted the way you want to be wanted, desired the way you want to be desired, and fucked the way you want to be fucked.

Your husband was up front with you about his sexuality before you got married. Everyone should be, of course, but so few people are—particularly people who have been made to feel ashamed of their sexuality or their fetishes or both—that we’re inclined to heap praise on people who manage to clear what should be a low bar. At the time, you mistook “emotional openness” and your willingness to accept his sexuality for both sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction. I think you owe it to yourself to be up front with your husband before you have kids. He’s getting a good deal here—decent sex with the wife and the freedom to take care of needs his wife can’t meet. And you’re free to ask for a similar deal—decent sex with your husband and the freedom to take care of needs your husband can’t meet.

There’s a far greater degree of risk involved in you going outside the relationship to feel desired, of course; you seeing another man or men comes bundled with emotional and physical risks that wanking to furry porn does not. This isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison. But if your shared goal as a couple is mutual sexual fulfillment—and that should be every couple’s goal—and if you want to avoid becoming so frustrated that you make a conscious decision to end your marriage (or a subconscious decision to sabotage it), FURS, then opening up the relationship needs to be a part of the discussion.


Please discuss cuckolding in all its forms, and also all of the emotional risks and potential sexual rewards.

A Potential Cuckoldress

It would take two years’ worth of columns—even more—to discuss cuckolding in all its forms, unpack all the risks, and game out all the potential rewards. Since I can’t possibly do that, APC, I’m going to send you to Keys and Anklets (keysandanklets.com), a terrific podcast dedicated to “the cuckold and hotwife lifestyle.” The host, Michael C., is engaging, funny and wise, and his interviews with cuck couples and bulls are incredibly illuminating. If you’re considering entering into a cuckold relationship, you’ll definitely want to start listening to Keys and Anklets.


I’m a 20-something woman engaged to a wonderful 20-something man. I’m the kinky one. I’ve dabbled in BDSM and definitely have a taste for pain and degradation. My boyfriend, meanwhile, considers himself a feminist and struggles with degrading me. I’ve been very patient and settled for very vanilla sex for a couple of years now. However, every now and then, he’ll joke about peeing on me when we shower together. I’m curious about watersports and would totally give it a try! I’ve tried to get more information from him on where these jokes are coming from, but he always changes the subject. And recently when I tried to make a joke back, I said the absolute wrong thing: “OK, R. Kelly, settle down.” This was right before we watched Surviving R. Kelly. I’m afraid that joke may have sent any potential watersports play down the toilet. (Pun intended!)

Any advice on how to get him to open up the next time he makes one of these jokes?

Wants A Totally Exciting Relationship

You might want to reread the first letter in this week’s column, WATER, and then dig into the Savage Love archives and check out the thousands of letters I’ve responded to from people who failed to establish basic sexual compatibility before marrying their partners. Settling down requires some settling for, of course, and everyone winds up paying the price of admission. But sexual compatibility is something you want to establish before the wedding, not after.

At the very least, WATER, don’t marry a man to whom you can’t make simple observations about sex and ask simple questions about sex. Like this statement/question/statement combo: “You joke about peeing on me, and I want to know if you would actually like to pee on me, because I would like to be peed on.”

Pissing on you doesn’t make him R. Kelly, a man who has been credibly accused of raping underage girls, and sexually and emotionally abusing—even imprisoning—adult women. If R. Kelly had raped numerous women and girls in the missionary position, WATER, all the other men out there who enjoy sex in the missionary position don’t become rapists by default. Where there is consent—enthusiastic consent—then it, whatever it is (missionary position sex, peeing on a partner), isn’t abusive. Sex play involving pain or degradation often requires more detailed conversations about consent, of course, but jokes and hints are a shitty way to negotiate consent for any kind of sex. Always go with unambiguous statements (“I would like to be peed on”) and direct questions (“Would you like to pee on me?”).

On the Lovecast, a case against Grindr for online harassment: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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I’m a 62-year-old woman. I was married for 33 years and left five years ago. We hadn’t gotten along for years, but he never stopped wanting or valuing me for sex—in spite of treating me like a household appliance and cheating on me regularly. Not long after the marriage ended, I met a guy online (my same age) who ticked nearly every box on my partner checklist—one of which was an ongoing interest in maintaining sexual relations. In the beginning, things were hot and crazy—but they cooled after a few months (going from once or twice a day to maybe once a month). Other than that, the relationship continued to grow, and we enjoyed being together.

I tried to carefully broach the subject, but he was not forthcoming. I’m not proud of it, but I checked his internet history. Big surprise: LOTS OF PORN. No animals or children, but pretty much everything else, with an accent on trans. Eventually, I admitted my sleuthing and asked if his viewing habits were an indicator of his interests or the reason he had turned away from me. After the anger subsided, he explained that he had been single most of his life and had more or less gotten used to taking care of business solo. Also, he said that the women he had been with who floated his boat sexually had been bad (crazy/unstable) in the partner department, and the good partners (me) had been less than satisfying for him in bed.

The bottom line is that we are compatible in most every other area and have built a comfortable life together. We have intercourse every four to six weeks, and maybe once in between, he will pleasure me. I enjoy both, and also take care of myself once a week. The struggle for me is more ego-driven. I’m no raving beauty, but I am reasonably fit and attractive for my age, and (used to) enjoy feeling desired and valued sexually. Can I get to the place of letting go of that and enjoying the rare occasions of physical congress?

Sex Advice Please

“Good for her for getting out of a marriage where she was treated like a ‘household appliance’ and getting back in the dating game,” said Joan Price, author of the books Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50. “But her new relationship, while it sounds comfortable and affectionate, doesn’t sound sexually fulfilling.”

This relationship doesn’t just sound unfulfilling sexually, SAP; it sounds infuriating generally. You entered into this relationship under false pretenses. You let your partner know that “an ongoing interest in maintaining sexual relations” was a priority for you, and he allowed you to believe it was a priority for him. In fairness to him, SAP, he may not have known himself to be incapable of sustaining a strong sexual connection, seeing as he’s been single for most of his life. But even if he wasn’t aware he couldn’t meet your needs then, that doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t valued/fucked the way you want to be valued/fucked now.

“I think her best option is to stay friends with this guy but start dating and having sex with others,” said Price. “She could continue to have occasional sex with this man if they both agree to a nonexclusive, friends-with-benefits arrangement. Or they could become platonic pals, if that’s better for them. But it’s imperative that she talk candidly with him.”

You write that you tried to “carefully broach the subject, but he was not forthcoming,” but Price wonders whether you were forthcoming yourself. “‘Carefully broach’ usually means ‘I was vague,’” said Price. “Suppose, instead, she said, ‘I really value you, but I don’t think we’re well-matched sexually. How can we adjust our relationship so we’re not putting sexual pressure on each other, and we’re both free to find other sexual outlets?’”

Your partner has an outlet that works for him and pretty much meets all his needs—porn and his own hand—but you don’t have an outlet that provides you with the feeling of being desired and valued sexually. Watching porn and/or “taking care of yourself” isn’t going to meet your needs. So the question is this: Do you have to exit this loving relationship to get your needs met, or can you stay with your current partner, a man who meets your emotional and social needs, while getting your sexual needs met elsewhere?

“SAP deserves a partner who matches her sexually,” said Price. And I agree.

If you’re telling yourself that you’ll have to settle for someone who claims he can’t perform for you because you’re not unstable enough to turn him on—you do realize that compliment he paid you (you’re so good!) was actually a dishonest bit of blame-shifting/responsibility-dodging, right?—then you’re selling yourself short.

“I know from personal experience and from the swelling of my inbox that many of us find hot, fabulous sexual partners in our 60s, 70s and beyond,” said Price. “It’s never too late. She shouldn’t settle for sex that’s less than satisfying, and neither should he. If that means she looks for new partners and he returns to his solo pleasure with the porn he prefers and the hand that knows him best, they might both be happier.”

Follow Joan Price on Twitter @JoanPrice. She blogs about sex and aging at NakedAtOurAge.com.


I’m a transgender woman married to a cis woman. Is cuckolding strictly a male-being-humiliated-by-his-woman-partner thing? Or does it apply to all couples?

Cuckolding Holds Erotic Allure That Satisfies

A man can cuckold a woman, CHEATS, and a man can cuckold a man, and a woman can cuckold a woman, and an enby can cuckold an enby. But women who are into being subs in a cuckold relationship—women who get off on being cheated on and erotically humiliated by their partners—are called cuckqueans, not cuckolds.


When I was younger and more stupid, I let my husband have intercourse with me or have me blow him or jack him off while I was on the phone with my sister. It was not something that I wanted to do, but I wasn’t strong enough then to resist his pressure.

For the last five years, I’ve asked him to respect me and not do this. He was good about it for a while, and I thought that we were on the same page. Now he has resumed pressuring me to do this. When I am on the phone with my sister, he will come in and harass me, grope me and attempt to remove my clothes. So I get off the phone. This makes him mad. If I say no, he emotionally withdraws, stops conversation about it, and tells me, “No sex, no marriage.” We do have a sex life that does include some of his kinks.

What is your opinion about using unwitting people on the other end of the phone for sexual satisfaction?

Persistent Husband’s Obnoxious Needs Enrage Spouse

The imperfect, doesn’t-always-apply adage, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” applies where your unwitting sister is concerned. So long as she doesn’t know you’re multitasking during your phone conversation, PHONES, no harm is done to your sister. But you know it’s happening, and you don’t like it, and your husband knows you don’t like it, but insists on doing it anyway. And when you shut him down—which is your absolute right—he gets angry, engages in emotional blackmail, and threatens to leave you (“No sex, no marriage”). But you are having sex with your husband—sex that includes some of his other kinks—so what he’s really saying is, “All the sex I want, however I want it, whenever I want it, regardless of how you feel about it, or I’ll divorce you.”

My advice: Divorce him yourself.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Lizz Winstead of The Daily Show: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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