CVIndependent

Wed08212019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I am a bi, white, married man—35 years old and living in a big Midwestern city. I’d like to know what’s going on in my psyche—from a sex-research perspective.

I’ve been hung up on cuckold fantasies with my female partner for years now. I’m a creative person, and I’m especially fond of creative fantasizing in bed, and my partner enjoys this as well. But nine times out of 10, I’m spinning a yarn about her fucking other men, whether it’s a threesome, cuckolding with me watching, or her going out on dates and coming home a delicious mess. These fantasies took an unexpected turn when I asked her to share stories about people she fucked in the past. She obliged—and holy shit, was I turned on. The only unfortunate thing is that she did not have many great sexual experiences in the past, so she feels like there is not a lot to share. Anyway, we have an amazing sex life, obviously, and I feel no shame whatsoever about these fantasies or how turned on her memories make us. I’m just curious as to why it turns me on so much. I know others have similar kinks, but it seems so antithetical to the heteronormative expectations of what I should be turned on by.

Any ideas?

Fantasies Reliably Enhance Every Dalliance

“‘Why am I like this?’ questions are always rabbit holes,” said Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, author and sex researcher. “We create rich, satisfying stories that are really just a form of mental masturbation—no bust on masturbation—when the truth is, at least at this point, we really have no clear idea why people have any of the unique sexual fantasies they do.”

Dr. Ley literally wrote the book on cuckolding: Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.

One popular explanation for why being cuckolded might turn a man on—why knowing his wife or girlfriend had fucked someone else (or was fucking someone else in front of him) might turn a guy on—was the “sperm competition” theory. To quickly summarize: A man who suspects his female partner recently had sex with another male—and whose reptile brain believes the other man’s semen might be “present” inside her—will have a more powerful and voluminous orgasm when he next mates with his female partner in an effort to “flood out” his competitor’s semen. For a time, many sex researchers theorized that male swingers and cuckolds were subconsciously inducing “sperm competition” reactions—i.e., they were in it for the more-powerful orgasms.

“Unfortunately, much of the research into sperm competition is now suspect, due to a failure to replicate many of these findings,” said Dr. Ley. “So to a degree, we’re now saying, ‘You know, it’s complicated. Everyone is different, and there are no simple answers.’”

And now that we’ve said that, FREED, Dr. Ley, who has worked with many cuckold couples, has noticed patterns—and he’s willing to put out some alternative theories of his own.

“Many cuckolds have a desire to engage bisexually with other men, using their wife’s body as a sort of proxy,” said Dr. Ley. “Given that FREED is a bi male in a heterosexual relationship, these cuckold fantasies might be a way for him to express his bisexuality while including his wife. Additionally, vicarious erotic fulfillment is often a central component in many cuckold fantasies. This goes beyond simple voyeurism—and FREED’s comment about his wife’s regret at not having enough sexual experiences to share offers us a clue in this direction. Many cuckolds celebrate their partners being sexually unrestrained. FREED might just be turned on by the idea of his wife cutting loose and sharing that supercharged erotic energy with other partners—past, present and future.”

Finally, FREED, I wanted to add a “ding, ding, ding” to something you mentioned at the end of your letter: The erotic power of doing something that seems antithetical to the heteronormative and/or vanilla-normative expectations heaped on us by culture, religion, family, etc., should never be underestimated. While not everyone is turned on by the thought of transgressing against sexual or social norms, a significant percentage is. So long as our normative-busting transgressive turn-ons can be realized with other consenting adults, we should worry less about the “why” and more about the “when,” “where” and “how.” (Now, in private, and safely!)

Follow Dr. Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.


I’m a 35-year-old married man with two beautiful small children. I knew I was a cuckold before I met my wife. As soon as things got somewhat serious, I made this very clear, as I had learned repeatedly that my desire for a cuckold relationship almost certainly spelled doom. While we were dating, she cuckolded me multiple times and seemed very accepting of the idea. I was in heaven, as I finally felt accepted for me. I remember very clearly on the day of our elopement discussing that this was more than a kink for me—it was central to my sexuality, and I needed her buy-in before committing for life.

We played a time or two after we got married, but my wife’s interest in the lifestyle greatly decreased. After we had children (the first child four years ago), her interest in cuckolding evaporated. It’s entirely gone. I accepted this for some time due to having young children. When I broached the subject recently, she expressed legitimate concerns around STIs, pregnancy and being “found out” by friends/family. But this is something I need, as I made clear before we married. It’s not just a “kink” for me.

I love my wife, and I don’t want to pressure her into having sex with others, but I’m hurt and frustrated. I can’t help but feel like I had a bait-and-switch pulled on me. What do I do? Be thankful for the things I do have? Ask to go to a sex-positive therapist? Ask for a divorce? I’m lost, hurt, confused and angry.

Cuckold Has Understandable Regrets Now

Cuckolding may be something you need, CHURN, but it’s something you’re asking the wife to do. And the doing presents more risks for her—the risks of STIs and pregnancy fall entirely on her, as she pointed out. And if people were to find out (or suspect) she was sleeping around, the “shame” and potential social ostracism would fall entirely on her, too. Even if you were to tell anyone who found out that it was consensual and/or that you were a cuckold, it’s not like she wouldn’t still be shamed or ostracized. Judgmental family and friends would just heap equal portions of shame on you, too.

To your credit, CHURN, you acknowledged the legitimacy of your wife’s concerns. And I’m going to acknowledge the legitimacy of your frustrations: You told her before you eloped that you needed this to be happy, and she didn’t just agree to it; she was (or seemed) enthused about it. I might be inclined to see this as a bait-and-switch myself if you didn’t have children. Even the most adventurous people—sexual or otherwise—tend to become risk-averse when their children are young, and I imagine your wife is currently some combo of highly risk-averse and completely overwhelmed. (Hey, are you doing your fair share of the housework and child care?)

Instead of threatening to divorce her (which would amount to pressuring her), I would encourage you to find a sex-positive counselor who can help you two talk about what your sex life can look like once your children are a little older. If she can express it without being expected to act on it tomorrow, my hunch is your wife can see cuckolding you again once your kids are older. Since finding women who are into this isn’t easy, as you already know, it would be in your own self-interest to take the long view and be patient.

In the meantime, CHURN, content yourself with hot memories of all the times the wife cuckolded you in the past—and hot dirty talk about all the times she’s going cuckold you in the future.

On the Lovecast, summer sex toys with Erika Moen: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

 

Published in Savage Love

I’m a man with a very liberal background. Recently, a girl I started dating—a girl from a similar background—mentioned that she has “a thing for black guys.” She also met my childhood best friend, a man of Korean descent, and commented to me that she found him handsome despite not typically being attracted to Asian guys.

The position that I’ve always held is that we’re attracted to individuals, not types, and it’s wrong to have expectations of people based on race—especially when it comes to sexualizing/fetishizing people. I think we should date and have sex with whomever we want and not carry prejudiced expectations into our relationships. I am worried she sees black men as stereotypes of athleticism, confidence and the other complicated constructions we’ve made about the black body, like black men having bigger dicks. I also worry that she might see me as less masculine and less well-endowed because of my race.

I eventually asked her about these issues, and we had a tense conversation. I tried to ask if she had ever checked herself for possible prejudice where her sexual desires are concerned, and she shut the conversation down by accusing me of trying to control her. I reassured her that I wasn’t trying to control her, but it is possible I was projecting the insecurity her comments stirred in me into the conversation. I’m trying to balance two components: my own insecurity and the possibility that she’s holding a legitimately prejudiced opinion that makes me uncomfortable.

Any advice?

Seeking To Interrogate Newish Girlfriend’s Statements

It’s a big leap from, “I have a thing for black guys,” to, “White guys aren’t masculine or well-endowed,” STINGS, and you made that leap on your own. So in addition to confronting your new girlfriend about her attitudes and assumptions … you might want to give some thought to your own?

That said, the things your girlfriend has said about black and Asian men are legit problematic. When someone describes their attraction to a certain group, racial or otherwise, as “a thing,” that usually means they see members of that group as things—and in a society that dehumanizes black people, white people can easily come to see black people as objects.

As for her comment about your Korean friend: Prevailing beauty standards shape our ideas about attractiveness, and those standards are shaped by our rabidly racist culture. A person socialized to only recognize the beauty of men or women of European descent may not even consider—they may not even be able to perceive—the attractiveness of people who aren’t white. And then when someone of a different race does manage to make a blip on their sex radar, it comes as a surprise. But instead of reconsidering their ideas about attractiveness, a dumb fucking white person—even one from a liberal background—is likelier to say something stupid like, “I don’t usually find Asian guys hot, but your Korean friend is attractive,” rather than rethinking their assumptions about their desires. Declaring one Asian guy an exception allows someone like your girlfriend to have her racist cake (“I don’t find Asian guys hot”) and eat it too (“But this Asian guy is hot”).

It’s a shame your girlfriend reacted defensively when you tried to bring all this up, STINGS, but sometimes people react defensively in the moment and then keep thinking about it. My advice: Keep bringing it up—but it would help if you owned your own shit during these conversations (and you have some shit of your own) rather than just self-righteously going after your girlfriend for her shit.

I have to say, though, I disagree with you on one thing: People do have types, and there’s nothing wrong with having types. It’s a good idea to ask ourselves whether our “types” are actually ours and not just assigned to us by conventional standards of beauty (white, slim, young) or a thoughtless/fetishizing reaction to those standards (a desire to transgress with nonwhite, larger or older folks).


I’m a middle-aged African-American man. I’m single. I dress well; I’m fit; I cycle to work; I eat healthy, etc. I live in a basement apartment on a narrow street in a large city. My only window faces the street.

After showering, and pretty much whenever I’m home, I’m naked while walking around my apartment. A young white couple moved in across the street, and they have an unobstructed view into my apartment. At first, I would notice the woman standing at the window looking my way as I toweled off. Then the male as well. And when I masturbate, which I sometimes do after a shower, I noticed them both making several passes by their windows to look. Later, I noticed the male coming out late in the evening when the view into my apartment is at its optimum to watch me masturbate. He seems very interested. The woman will come outside and sit on the steps in the morning and look directly into my apartment at me while drinking her coffee. More than once, she has run her hand up the inside of her thigh as she’s watching. Also I’ve noticed that their shades, which used to be closed most of the time, are always wide open with lights on so I can clearly see them in their apartment.

I’m sure the woman knows that I want her—and the male seems to be exhibiting bi tendencies (something I’m not interested in at all). In your opinion, are these two a voyeur couple or a submissive cuckold couple? How should I approach to seduce? If she’s sitting on her steps, can I go over and say, “Good morning,” to break the ice? The other day, I left just as she was going out, and we walked past each other. I thought about saying something, but I don’t want to appear to be chasing her.

And what’s up with the guy?

Display Attracts Neighbors’ Glazed Looks Everyday

I once dated a guy who was arrested in his own apartment at 10 in the morning for masturbating in front of an open window. Granted, he lived across the street from a school (a university, not a middle school), and that may have had something to do with it. But he was a white guy, DANGLE, and considering all the ways African-American men are targeted by the police, I feel obligated to warn you—well, I feel obligated to warn you about something you already know: Cops are always looking for an excuse to arrest or harass a black man, and your exhibitionism could attract the attentions not just of horny neighbors, but also the authorities.

That said, DANGLE, if everything is as you describe it—if this isn’t a case of dickful thinking on your part—it sounds like this couple is interested. “Interest” is a spectrum, of course, and they could find it interesting to live across the street from a hot, in-shape exhibitionist, and difficult to look away, without actually wanting to be fucked (her) or be cuckolded (him) by you. But if they’re staring into your apartment while you walk around naked and throwing open the curtains so you can stare into theirs, I’d say the ice has already been broken. So say hello the next time you run into them on the street. Keep that first convo light, neighborly and nonsexual, and see where it leads. But if during that first convo, they invite you over for a beer sometime … well, that’s a Yahtzee. But even then, don’t make any assumptions or sudden moves: Use your words; draw them out; make sure everyone is on the same page.

As for the guy: Maybe he’s bi. Maybe he’s a cuck. Maybe he’s the woman’s gay roommate. There’s only one way to find out what’s up with him: Say hello, and get to know them.

On the Lovecast, it’s the one-minute-wonder show: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

Savage Love Live swooped into Seattle’s Egyptian Theater and Denver’s Oriental Theater recently. I couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at these sold-out shows—there were so many great questions, and I’m just one lousy advice columnist—so I’m going to power through as many as I can in this week’s column.

Weddings are terrible. I attended “Dueling Dallas Lesbian Weddings,” and both couples are pressuring me to tell them whose wedding was better (or better in the eyes of social media). Am I obligated to “rat” these couples out to each other?

Weddings aren’t terrible; people are—some of them, not all of them. But you certainly aren’t obligated to “rat” these couples out to each other. You aren’t even obligated to speak to any of these terrible people again.

What is the best relationship advice you’ve ever received?

Cup the balls.

I’ve been talking to a guy for four months, and we still haven’t met in person. He’s recently divorced, and I find it odd that he is all into me with sexting, etc., but doesn’t want to meet. What do I do?

Stop wasting your time.

I have always loved anal sex with my partner of more than a decade. He loves it, too. We’ve noticed a trend over the years where he gets melancholy after we have anal sex. He doesn’t know why. Do you have any ideas or theories about why?

Nope.

How do I make sure I enjoy my upcoming wedding instead of worrying about how it will go?

Elope.

I’m a woman, and I’ve been in a relationship for two years. My partner is not able to make me orgasm. He is my first lover. HELP.

If you can make yourself come, show your partner how you do it. If you can’t make yourself come—if you’re one of those people who have never masturbated—start masturbating; learn how to make yourself come; and then show him how you do it.

My boyfriend is a cuckold and very into the humiliation aspect of cuckolding. I’ve been hooking up with one guy who is so into humiliating my boyfriend that it’s kind of freaking me out. They message each other so much; I feel like I’m the one being cheated on!

You get the D. Let your boyfriend have the DMs.

We are married 10 years, monogamish, pansexual. My friends are opening up their relationship, and so are we. Any good reason I shouldn’t have sex with my friends?

Only the most obvious one: If someone gets hurt, these friendships could end. But friendships end all the time without anyone getting off, so …

I’m 31; he’s 44. I know how you feel about splitting the rent in proportion to income, but my higher-earning boyfriend points out that I’ve opted for more leisure time and less stress with my lower-paying job. How should we split the rent?

Someone making two or three times as much money as their partner should be willing to pay more of the rent. Splitting the rent 50/50 wouldn’t be fair, particularly if the higher earner wants a larger and/or nicer space, because then the partner making more money is effectively having their lifestyle subsidized by the one making less. But if someone chooses to make less money because they want more leisure time, they shouldn’t expect to have that choice underwritten by a partner making more money. I don’t think they should pay half the rent—but a higher percentage of their income should go toward the rent.

How can I nicely convince my girlfriend to have anal sex?

By using your words—your best noncoercive, nonthreatening, willing-to-take-no-for-an-answer words. And it will help if you tell her you’re willing to take it slow and willing to take turns.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t feel it is “appropriate” to tell me he is in love with me. I want so bad to have our “I love you” moment. What should I do?

Say it to him—and if he doesn’t hit you with an “I love you, too,” then either he’s not in love with you, or he’s in love with you and knows how badly you want to hear him say “I love you,” but he won’t say it because he likes to torture you.

My partner discovered—with someone else—that she loves BDSM, including pain and humiliation. I’m trying, but she’s not impressed. What do I do?

Presumably your partner doesn’t love BDSM to the exclusion of all the hot vanilla sex she’d been having with you previous to this discovery. So instead of trying to be something or someone you’re not, let your partner enjoy BDSM with others while making sure you two maintain your sexual connection by continuing to explore your shared sexual interests.

Blair says all blowjobs should end with a swallow. Thoughts?

Blair is entitled to Blair’s opinion, but Blair isn’t the boss of blowjobs.

I’ve been with my partner for two years. We love each other and have no real issues—except family. I’m out of the closet to everyone in my life. My partner is, too. Her mom “accepts” her being gay, except around extended family. At family gatherings, her mom pretends my partner is heterosexual and interested in men, as if our two-year relationship doesn’t exist. Is it OK that I think this is not OK?

It’s OK that you don’t find this at all OK. But I’m curious what your partner thinks. Presumably your partner isn’t a houseplant—which means she must have feelings about this, and presumably she’s capable of communicating those feelings to her mother.

How do you introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship?

Suddenly and without warning—trust me, the element of surprise is crucial when it comes to kinky sex. Joking! For the record: You introduce BDSM into your sexual relationship by first initiating a conversation about your sexual interests, and if there’s interest on both sides, gradually and slowly introducing JV BDSM play into your relationship.

I ran into a co-worker at a fetish party, and he was wearing a “URINAL” T-shirt. Does that mean what I think it means?

It means you don’t have to leave your workstation when you need to take a piss.

Thanks to everyone who came to Savage Love Live in Seattle and Denver! Savage Love Live is coming to San Francisco (with Stormy Daniels!), Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis (with Stormy Daniels!), Toronto and Somerville. For more info and tickets, go to savagelovecast.com/events.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with sex workers’ rights advocate Alex Andrews: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months. Prior to dating, I was clear with him that I would need to open our relationship at some point. He initially hesitated to respond, but then agreed we could do that when the time came. That time has come much quicker than I anticipated, but I feel like he’ll renege on his end of things because of many comments he’s made recently—comments like not understanding or liking nonmonogamy, and how “his woman” sleeping around is a deal-breaker. Is this a DTMFA situation?

Specified Open Relationship Early

Early on, you let your boyfriend know that openness “at some point” was your price of admission—the price he’d have to pay to be with you—and now he’s letting you know that monogamy is his price of admission. What’s going on here? Well, sometimes Person A tells Person B what Person A knows Person B wants to hear regarding Topic X in the hopes that Person B will feel differently about Topic X after the passage of time or after Person B has made a large emotional investment in Person A. In many cases, Person A has the best intentions—by which I mean Person A isn’t being consciously manipulative, but rather Person A sincerely hopes Person B will come to feel differently about Topic X, or that they, Person A themselves, will. But considering how little time has passed, SORE—it hasn’t even been three months, and he’s saying shitty/judgy things to you about nonmonogamy and sexist/controlling things about “his woman”—it seems clear that your boyfriend wasn’t being sincere; he was being manipulative. DTMFA.


This is another request for a kinky neologism. How about those of us who like the idea of our significant other having sex with somebody else, but who aren’t into full-on cuckold-style humiliation? “Cuckold” implies a level of subordination that just isn’t my thing, and “hotwifing,” besides sounding incredibly sleazy, assumes that it’s a couple that is opposite-sex and married, and the guy is only interested in watching. Can you or the hive mind solve this problem?

Cuck In Name Only

I don’t think the term “hotwifing” is inherently heterosexist, as there are gay men and straight women out there into “hothusbanding.” (They get off on sharing their hot spouses with others, aren’t necessarily interested in getting with anyone else themselves, and don’t, à la cuckolds, get off on humiliation.) But if that term doesn’t appeal to you, CINO, there’s already an alternative: stags (a man who may or may not be dominant who likes to share his partner and may or may not participate) and vixens (a woman who may or may not be submissive who enjoys having sex with others in front of her partner and may or may not share them with others, too).


I’ve experienced anal itching in the past, and I’m not ashamed to say I enjoyed it. It felt so insanely good to satisfy that itching inside. I can find lots of information about relieving anal itching, but I can’t find anything about inducing it for pleasure.

Into Tormenting Clean Heinie

According to the Mayo Clinic, keeping your ass too clean or letting it get too dirty can induce anal itching, as can pinworms, diabetes and anal tumors. Seeing as you probably don’t want diabetes or rectal cancer, and since pinworms aren’t for sale at your local bait shop, ITCH, you could try scrubbing your ass with harsh soaps, which is what the Mayo Clinic urges people who don’t want itchy anuses to avoid. (I reversed engineered their advice for you. You’re welcome.) Good luck, and please don’t write back to let us know how you’re progressing, OK?


I am a 24-year-old pansexual trans woman, and I feel sexually broken. Hormones have made it nearly impossible for me to top a partner. I’m able to do it once in a while, but not as much or as reliably as I would like. Additionally, hormones have messed up my digestive system and made bottoming difficult. I’m also relatively sexually inexperienced, which means I’m enthusiastic about oral but not very good at it. This leaves me feeling like I bring nothing to the table.

Horny But Sex Is Thorny

Getting good at oral—like getting good at anything—takes a little practice. Let your prospective partners know you’re relatively inexperienced, and you’ll be far likelier to wind up in bed with patient and supportive people who will let you practice on them. As for bottoming, hopefully your guts will settle down in time. As for topping, well, lots of women use strap-on dildos for penetration. Having a strap-on at the ready and actively seeking out partners who don’t regard strap-on sex as a consolation prize (or a fail) will allow you to experiment with penetration without the pressure of having to produce or sustain an erection. You can switch back and forth between your dick and the dildo as needed, and being able to make it happen for your lover—using whatever tools you need—will build your confidence.

And you’re not broken, HBSIT. You are, like all of us, a work in progress. Good luck.


I’m a college professor. Several female students have confided in me they’re having trouble finding guys. (They’re not hitting on me—and even if they were, no way am I dating a student.) These girls are smart, nice, interesting, and usually obese. You and I both know that in this imperfect world, many (most?) people place importance on looks. But how do I tell them that? A straight, single, male professor telling a female student, even gently, that dropping 20 pounds might help her dating prospects is extremely risky.

Professionally Risky Observation Flummoxes

Oh my god. Keep your mouth shut. First, because it’s an asshole thing to say—never mind the professional risk—and second, because it’s not true. (Welcome to America, PROF, where most people are overweight or obese, and most people are partnered or married.)

The likelier culprit here (besides a skewed sample size and confirmation bias) is the scarcity of available male partners. Women now significantly outnumber men on college campuses: “Where men once went to college in proportions far higher than women—58 percent to 42 percent as recently as the 1970s—the ratio has now almost exactly reversed,” Jon Marcus wrote in the Atlantic. Graduating will probably do more to improve their romantic prospects than dropping 20 pounds.


I recently broke up with a girl because she didn’t know what plate tectonics was. We dated for three months. Great sex! Loved cooking together! Enjoyed spending time with her! But she was raised Mormon—and more important than that, she was simply NOT CURIOUS about science and the world. In all honesty, I think she’s a little dumb, although she doesn’t come off that way.

Science! Politics! Philosophy! All of these things are important in my life! Am I wrong for breaking up with her?

Date Tectonics

No! You did her a favor! I knew nothing about classical music before I fell in love with someone who’s passionate about classical music. I know a lot about it now, and I actually enjoy it—but I didn’t get there in three months. My husband didn’t follow the news closely until he fell in love with a news junkie. Now he’s a daily reader of The New York Times and The Washington Post—but he didn’t get there in three months. The more time we spent together, the more interest we took in each other’s interests.

There’s a lesson in here for you somewhere, DT, but I’m going to let you tease it out—because you’re CURIOUS and SMART, right?

On the Lovecast, Dan interviews sociologist and author Nicholas A. Christakis: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m an early-30s hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We’ve been together 10 years, married seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc. We have sex fairly regularly, and it’s not bad.

However, his primary sexual fetish and main turn-on is furry porn—namely, cartoon images. He doesn’t self-identify as a furry; he doesn’t have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was up front about this with me once we started getting serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He seems only marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more-intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn’t allow me to meet him halfway. Real-life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him. (I’ve offered.) We have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I’ve found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on.

I consider myself a fairly sexual person, and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. We’re talking about starting a family, and I’m scared that the pressures that come with parenthood would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

Nothing I write is going to fix this—and nothing I write is going to fix him, FURS, not that your husband is broken. He is who he is, and he had the decency to let you know who he was before you married him. But nothing I write is going to put you at the center of your husband’s erotic inner life. Nothing I write is going to inspire him to initiate more (or at all) or cause him to be more enthusiastic about sex. Nothing I write is going to make your husband want you the way you want to be wanted, desire you the way you want to be desired, and fuck you the way you want to be fucked.

So the question you need to ask yourself before you make babies with this man—the question I would have urged you to ask yourself before you married this man—is whether you can live without the pleasure you get from being desired. Is that the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this man? Maybe it once was, but is it still? Because if monogamy is what you want or what he wants or what you both want, FURS, then choosing to be with this man—choosing to be with someone you enjoy spending time with, who’s “not bad” at sex, whose most passionate erotic interests direct him away from you—means going without the pleasure of being wanted the way you want to be wanted, desired the way you want to be desired, and fucked the way you want to be fucked.

Your husband was up front with you about his sexuality before you got married. Everyone should be, of course, but so few people are—particularly people who have been made to feel ashamed of their sexuality or their fetishes or both—that we’re inclined to heap praise on people who manage to clear what should be a low bar. At the time, you mistook “emotional openness” and your willingness to accept his sexuality for both sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction. I think you owe it to yourself to be up front with your husband before you have kids. He’s getting a good deal here—decent sex with the wife and the freedom to take care of needs his wife can’t meet. And you’re free to ask for a similar deal—decent sex with your husband and the freedom to take care of needs your husband can’t meet.

There’s a far greater degree of risk involved in you going outside the relationship to feel desired, of course; you seeing another man or men comes bundled with emotional and physical risks that wanking to furry porn does not. This isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison. But if your shared goal as a couple is mutual sexual fulfillment—and that should be every couple’s goal—and if you want to avoid becoming so frustrated that you make a conscious decision to end your marriage (or a subconscious decision to sabotage it), FURS, then opening up the relationship needs to be a part of the discussion.


Please discuss cuckolding in all its forms, and also all of the emotional risks and potential sexual rewards.

A Potential Cuckoldress

It would take two years’ worth of columns—even more—to discuss cuckolding in all its forms, unpack all the risks, and game out all the potential rewards. Since I can’t possibly do that, APC, I’m going to send you to Keys and Anklets (keysandanklets.com), a terrific podcast dedicated to “the cuckold and hotwife lifestyle.” The host, Michael C., is engaging, funny and wise, and his interviews with cuck couples and bulls are incredibly illuminating. If you’re considering entering into a cuckold relationship, you’ll definitely want to start listening to Keys and Anklets.


I’m a 20-something woman engaged to a wonderful 20-something man. I’m the kinky one. I’ve dabbled in BDSM and definitely have a taste for pain and degradation. My boyfriend, meanwhile, considers himself a feminist and struggles with degrading me. I’ve been very patient and settled for very vanilla sex for a couple of years now. However, every now and then, he’ll joke about peeing on me when we shower together. I’m curious about watersports and would totally give it a try! I’ve tried to get more information from him on where these jokes are coming from, but he always changes the subject. And recently when I tried to make a joke back, I said the absolute wrong thing: “OK, R. Kelly, settle down.” This was right before we watched Surviving R. Kelly. I’m afraid that joke may have sent any potential watersports play down the toilet. (Pun intended!)

Any advice on how to get him to open up the next time he makes one of these jokes?

Wants A Totally Exciting Relationship

You might want to reread the first letter in this week’s column, WATER, and then dig into the Savage Love archives and check out the thousands of letters I’ve responded to from people who failed to establish basic sexual compatibility before marrying their partners. Settling down requires some settling for, of course, and everyone winds up paying the price of admission. But sexual compatibility is something you want to establish before the wedding, not after.

At the very least, WATER, don’t marry a man to whom you can’t make simple observations about sex and ask simple questions about sex. Like this statement/question/statement combo: “You joke about peeing on me, and I want to know if you would actually like to pee on me, because I would like to be peed on.”

Pissing on you doesn’t make him R. Kelly, a man who has been credibly accused of raping underage girls, and sexually and emotionally abusing—even imprisoning—adult women. If R. Kelly had raped numerous women and girls in the missionary position, WATER, all the other men out there who enjoy sex in the missionary position don’t become rapists by default. Where there is consent—enthusiastic consent—then it, whatever it is (missionary position sex, peeing on a partner), isn’t abusive. Sex play involving pain or degradation often requires more detailed conversations about consent, of course, but jokes and hints are a shitty way to negotiate consent for any kind of sex. Always go with unambiguous statements (“I would like to be peed on”) and direct questions (“Would you like to pee on me?”).

On the Lovecast, a case against Grindr for online harassment: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 62-year-old woman. I was married for 33 years and left five years ago. We hadn’t gotten along for years, but he never stopped wanting or valuing me for sex—in spite of treating me like a household appliance and cheating on me regularly. Not long after the marriage ended, I met a guy online (my same age) who ticked nearly every box on my partner checklist—one of which was an ongoing interest in maintaining sexual relations. In the beginning, things were hot and crazy—but they cooled after a few months (going from once or twice a day to maybe once a month). Other than that, the relationship continued to grow, and we enjoyed being together.

I tried to carefully broach the subject, but he was not forthcoming. I’m not proud of it, but I checked his internet history. Big surprise: LOTS OF PORN. No animals or children, but pretty much everything else, with an accent on trans. Eventually, I admitted my sleuthing and asked if his viewing habits were an indicator of his interests or the reason he had turned away from me. After the anger subsided, he explained that he had been single most of his life and had more or less gotten used to taking care of business solo. Also, he said that the women he had been with who floated his boat sexually had been bad (crazy/unstable) in the partner department, and the good partners (me) had been less than satisfying for him in bed.

The bottom line is that we are compatible in most every other area and have built a comfortable life together. We have intercourse every four to six weeks, and maybe once in between, he will pleasure me. I enjoy both, and also take care of myself once a week. The struggle for me is more ego-driven. I’m no raving beauty, but I am reasonably fit and attractive for my age, and (used to) enjoy feeling desired and valued sexually. Can I get to the place of letting go of that and enjoying the rare occasions of physical congress?

Sex Advice Please

“Good for her for getting out of a marriage where she was treated like a ‘household appliance’ and getting back in the dating game,” said Joan Price, author of the books Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50. “But her new relationship, while it sounds comfortable and affectionate, doesn’t sound sexually fulfilling.”

This relationship doesn’t just sound unfulfilling sexually, SAP; it sounds infuriating generally. You entered into this relationship under false pretenses. You let your partner know that “an ongoing interest in maintaining sexual relations” was a priority for you, and he allowed you to believe it was a priority for him. In fairness to him, SAP, he may not have known himself to be incapable of sustaining a strong sexual connection, seeing as he’s been single for most of his life. But even if he wasn’t aware he couldn’t meet your needs then, that doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t valued/fucked the way you want to be valued/fucked now.

“I think her best option is to stay friends with this guy but start dating and having sex with others,” said Price. “She could continue to have occasional sex with this man if they both agree to a nonexclusive, friends-with-benefits arrangement. Or they could become platonic pals, if that’s better for them. But it’s imperative that she talk candidly with him.”

You write that you tried to “carefully broach the subject, but he was not forthcoming,” but Price wonders whether you were forthcoming yourself. “‘Carefully broach’ usually means ‘I was vague,’” said Price. “Suppose, instead, she said, ‘I really value you, but I don’t think we’re well-matched sexually. How can we adjust our relationship so we’re not putting sexual pressure on each other, and we’re both free to find other sexual outlets?’”

Your partner has an outlet that works for him and pretty much meets all his needs—porn and his own hand—but you don’t have an outlet that provides you with the feeling of being desired and valued sexually. Watching porn and/or “taking care of yourself” isn’t going to meet your needs. So the question is this: Do you have to exit this loving relationship to get your needs met, or can you stay with your current partner, a man who meets your emotional and social needs, while getting your sexual needs met elsewhere?

“SAP deserves a partner who matches her sexually,” said Price. And I agree.

If you’re telling yourself that you’ll have to settle for someone who claims he can’t perform for you because you’re not unstable enough to turn him on—you do realize that compliment he paid you (you’re so good!) was actually a dishonest bit of blame-shifting/responsibility-dodging, right?—then you’re selling yourself short.

“I know from personal experience and from the swelling of my inbox that many of us find hot, fabulous sexual partners in our 60s, 70s and beyond,” said Price. “It’s never too late. She shouldn’t settle for sex that’s less than satisfying, and neither should he. If that means she looks for new partners and he returns to his solo pleasure with the porn he prefers and the hand that knows him best, they might both be happier.”

Follow Joan Price on Twitter @JoanPrice. She blogs about sex and aging at NakedAtOurAge.com.


I’m a transgender woman married to a cis woman. Is cuckolding strictly a male-being-humiliated-by-his-woman-partner thing? Or does it apply to all couples?

Cuckolding Holds Erotic Allure That Satisfies

A man can cuckold a woman, CHEATS, and a man can cuckold a man, and a woman can cuckold a woman, and an enby can cuckold an enby. But women who are into being subs in a cuckold relationship—women who get off on being cheated on and erotically humiliated by their partners—are called cuckqueans, not cuckolds.


When I was younger and more stupid, I let my husband have intercourse with me or have me blow him or jack him off while I was on the phone with my sister. It was not something that I wanted to do, but I wasn’t strong enough then to resist his pressure.

For the last five years, I’ve asked him to respect me and not do this. He was good about it for a while, and I thought that we were on the same page. Now he has resumed pressuring me to do this. When I am on the phone with my sister, he will come in and harass me, grope me and attempt to remove my clothes. So I get off the phone. This makes him mad. If I say no, he emotionally withdraws, stops conversation about it, and tells me, “No sex, no marriage.” We do have a sex life that does include some of his kinks.

What is your opinion about using unwitting people on the other end of the phone for sexual satisfaction?

Persistent Husband’s Obnoxious Needs Enrage Spouse

The imperfect, doesn’t-always-apply adage, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” applies where your unwitting sister is concerned. So long as she doesn’t know you’re multitasking during your phone conversation, PHONES, no harm is done to your sister. But you know it’s happening, and you don’t like it, and your husband knows you don’t like it, but insists on doing it anyway. And when you shut him down—which is your absolute right—he gets angry, engages in emotional blackmail, and threatens to leave you (“No sex, no marriage”). But you are having sex with your husband—sex that includes some of his other kinks—so what he’s really saying is, “All the sex I want, however I want it, whenever I want it, regardless of how you feel about it, or I’ll divorce you.”

My advice: Divorce him yourself.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Lizz Winstead of The Daily Show: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a cis woman in my mid-40s, and my significant other has a cuckolding fetish. My first response was, “Oh, hell no!” But if I’m willing to have a threesome, how much further of a stretch is it, really? He does have some experience with this varsity-level kink, so he knows what to expect. I’ve asked him some questions, but some things, I prefer to research on my own.

My questions for you: (1) I don’t get cuckolding. I’ve read all about it, but nothing about it resonates with me. My SO really wants me to be into his fetish if I am going to act on it, but what if I’m just into being GGG? Can’t that be enough? (2) How should I go about finding appropriate candidates who would be into sharing this experience with us? I’m not really sure that I’d want someone with experience as a bull, because I don’t feel good about this playing out the way I’ve seen it in porn. (3) We enjoy cross-dressing and chastity play. How do I find someone who will be cool about my SO sitting in the room in a cock lock and lingerie? (4) I kind of have a “type” (don’t we all), and I’m not certain my type plays into this kink. I prefer someone who is very dominant in public but submissive to me in the bedroom. This doesn’t seem to align with your typical bull behavior. However, I do not enjoy being dominated. Do you think this matters?

Can’t Understand Cuckold Kink

1. Cuckolding isn’t that hard to understand: A cuckold gets off on their partner fucking other people and being humiliated or degraded by their partner and/or their partner’s playmates. Seeing as you already enjoy dominating guys and threesomes, CUCK, what’s not to enjoy about a cuckolding scenario?

2. Intercourse rarely plays out in real life the way it does in porn. So whether you go with an experienced bull or find someone who’s unfamiliar with cuckold play but game, you don’t have to re-enact whatever cuckold porn you’ve watched or read. Write your own script!

3. By using your words, CUCK. Tell any guy who’s interested in being your very special guest star (VSGS) that your SO is a cuckold, and he’ll be there in lingerie with his cock locked up. If that turns a VSGS candidate off, then he’s not the right VSGS for you.

4. In most cuckold porn, the bull—the man who fucks the cuck’s wife or girlfriend (or boyfriend or husband) in front of him—is the dominant partner. But, again, you get to write your own script, and if you want your bull to be submissive, make that clear to your potential bulls.


I’m a 54-year-old gay guy living in New York City. I’m into bondage, and I have a profile on Recon with plenty of pictures showing what I’m into. A guy visiting from San Francisco cruised me. He asked me to send a face pic, and I did. He invited me to his hotel. He didn’t have any gear with him, so I stopped at a hardware store and picked up $40 worth of rope and duct tape on my way to meet him. But after 30 seconds of small talk, he said he just wasn’t feeling it. I said OK, that happens, and I left.

I’m totally confused. I’m a decent-looking guy, and the photo I sent is recent. I was freshly showered, so no hygiene or BO issues. Obviously, you can’t force yourself to be into someone, but could he have handled it better? Should he have followed up with a message apologizing? Should I reach out and ask him what happened, or is that just pathetic?

Bondage Offer Not Delivered After Getting Evicted

Typically when this happens—photos exchanged, hookup arranged, mind changed—it’s because the photos were out of date or were not representative. Since we aren’t always the best judge of our own photos, BONDAGE, you should ask a friend who won’t bullshit you to look at your photos and give it to you straight.

If your no-bullshit friend clears your photos, then reach out to Mr. San Francisco. He had to make a snap decision when you arrived with that bag of rope and duct tape: Did he feel comfortable letting this stranger render him helpless? In a vanilla hookup, he could give it a little time and back out after some foreplay—but it’s a lot harder to back out when the foreplay involves rope and duct tape. So send him a message via Recon. Open by telling him you aren’t buttsore or angry, and he had every right to change his mind, even at the last minute—which means he has nothing to apologize for, so you aren’t owed an apology, and you shouldn’t message him if you’re seeking one.

Then ask if you said or did something that made him feel unsafe. If you did, BONDAGE, accept his feedback graciously—don’t argue with him or attempt to litigate what went down. Just listen. It may not have been your intention to freak him out by making, say, a few serial-killer jokes, but his impression is what matters, not your intention. And who knows? A sincere effort to get a little constructive feedback may leave him feeling better about you and up for playing the next time he’s in town.


My wife has a fantasy where she’s blindfolded and restrained on our bed. She hears the front door open, followed by footsteps coming up the stairs, and then she’s ravished by … who? She won’t know, presumably, until it’s over.

My question: In fulfilling this fantasy for her, where anonymity and surprise are part of the appeal, what do I tell her in advance? Do I discuss the entire scenario with her, so she knows exactly what’s going to happen, minus the identity of the very special guest star (who would be a semi-regular we’ve played with before, but she wouldn’t necessarily know that at first)? That seems to eliminate the surprise element of the fantasy. Is it enough to tell her, without mentioning the specific scenario, that I’d like to make one of her fantasies come true, and ask her to trust me?

Ethical Thinking In Quite Unusual, Elaborate Tied Tight Enactment

Presumably? There’s no room for “presumablies” when you’re arranging to fulfill a varsity-level fantasy. I’m guessing she’d rather not know who’s ravishing her before or during the big event, ETIQUETTE, and she may not want to know after. But you need to ask her what she wants—no presumptions—before you start making arrangements.

She might want to know everything in advance—including the identity of that stranger—or she might want you to decide everything. But you need to check in with her first: “Honey, I want to help you realize that fantasy—you’re tied to the bed; a stranger arrives; you’re ravished by said stranger—but I need to know how involved you want to be in the planning. Clear everything with you—where, when, who, how—or just make it happen?”

You may find that she wants to be surprised by who but not by when, ETIQUETTE, or by when but not by who—or by who but not by when, how, or where. Or she may want the whole thing to be a surprise. But you have to find out exactly what she wants before you make any plans.

And here’s a bonus pro tip for you: Don’t reveal the identity of your VSGS immediately afterward. Because if it goes well, and your wife wants a repeat, you may be able to get a few more encounters out of your first VSGS.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with comedian Guy Branum about ass surgery: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’ve been enjoying consensual nonmonogamy for the past two years, in part thanks to your column and podcast. I have a delightful young lover, and our connection has evolved into a kind of Master/slave relationship. I “allow” her to fuck other men and women, and she delights in asking my permission and recounting the details of her other trysts to me.

We are curious how much of this she needs to disclose to her other lovers. They know she isn’t monogamous, and they are aware of her relationship with me, but so far, she has chosen not to tell them the extent to which I “own” her and have jurisdiction over her body and actions. Of course, it’s just an elaborate role-playing game—but is it wrong to be using these people as pawns in our game without their knowledge and consent? If so, when should she tell them? Before she sleeps with them even once? Or after she’s developed a more intimate rapport with them? There’s a perverse thrill in her other lovers being totally oblivious to it, but we want to be ethical in our polyamorous ways.

Masochists And Sadists Tackling Ethical Relations

This falls under the header of permissible secret perving (PSP), MASTER, and I will allow it—with one caveat.

My go-to example of PSP is the foot fetishist who works in a shoe store. So long as he’s good at his job and his secret perving is undetectable—no bulges, no heavy breathing, no creepy comments—no harm done. And if he goes home and jacks off about all the sexy, sexy feet he saw and, yes, handled during his shift, he’s not hurting anyone or doing anything unethical. It’s important, however, to note that the foot fetishist salesclerk’s perceptions aren’t the ones that matter. If he thinks he’s playing it cool—he thinks his perving is secret—but his customers or co-workers are creeped out by his behavior, demeanor, heavy breathing, etc., then his perving isn’t secret and is therefore impermissible.

The secret perving you’re doing—the girlfriend has to beg for your permission to fuck other people and report back to you afterward—is small, and it’s a bank shot. The other people she’s fucking provide mental fodder for your D/s role-playing games, MASTER; you aren’t directly involving them. Your role-playing games take place before she fucks someone else (when she asks your permission) and after she fucks someone else (when she recounts her experience). And what turns you on about your girlfriend sleeping with other people—and how you and your girlfriend talk to each other about it—is no one’s business but yours.

Now for the caveat: If one of your girlfriend’s lovers strongly objects to Dom/sub sex, relationships or role-playing games, and your girlfriend is aware they object, and you two want to be exquisitely ethical, MASTER, then either your girlfriend shouldn’t fuck that person, or she should disclose your Master/slave dynamics to that person and allow them to decide whether they want to fuck her anyway.

Zooming out for a second: Some people in open relationships don’t want to know what their partners get up to, and these couples usually have “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreements about sex outside the relationship. But many more people in open relationships do want to hear about their partners’ adventures because it turns them on. Someone who doesn’t want to risk being fodder for a couple’s dirty talk or even their D/s role-playing games shouldn’t be sleeping with people who are partnered and in open relationships. There are things we have a right to ask the people with whom we have casual sex—like whether they’re practicing ethical nonmonogamy, if they have an STI, what kind of birth control they’re using, whether they’re on PrEP, etc.—but a casual fuck isn’t entitled to details about your relationship.


My boyfriend of one year has refused to delete photos from his Instagram account that show him with his ex-girlfriend. They were together for three years and briefly engaged, and they broke up two years before we met. They aren’t in contact in any way, so I don’t have any worries there, but I think making photos of him with someone else available to his friends and family—and now my friends, too, as many are now following him—is incredibly disrespectful.

We’ve had numerous arguments about this, and his “solution” is for me to “stop thinking about it.” He also insists that no one is looking at 5-year-old pictures on his Instagram account. If that’s true, why not delete them? He refuses to discuss this issue, even as I lose sleep over it. I’ve tried calmly discussing this with him; I’ve tried crying; I’ve tried screaming my head off—nothing works.

Personal Insult Causing Stress

There’s definitely something your boyfriend should delete, PICS, but it’s not old photos of his ex.


The man I’m going to marry has a huge boot fetish. He has about 200 pairs of boots in his size. His size also happens to be my size—and I’m half convinced he wouldn’t have proposed if we didn’t have the same size feet and I couldn’t wear his boots.

I want to surprise him with a very special bachelor party (that we’ll both attend): It would be all guys with the same size feet as us, and everyone will be wearing different pairs of boots from his collection. I’m picturing a big group of guys doing for him what I do for him: stand on him, let him lick my (actually, his) boots, make him crawl and grovel.

His feet aren’t an uncommon size (11.5), and I’m guessing enough of our mutual friends would fit into his boots that I could actually make this happen. He’s the only fetishist I’ve ever been with—all my other boyfriends were vanilla—and I’m wondering how he would react if he walked into a room and found a bunch of his friends wearing his boots, and then I ordered him to start licking. I think it would be way better than going to a strip club or a drag show.

By the way: He’s not really “out” about his kink.

Boyfriend Obsesses Over Tall Shoes

Wow, BOOTS, you saved the most salient detail for the end: Your boyfriend isn’t out to his friends about his kink. So unless you’re talking about a small subset of his friends—only old friends that once had benefits—do not out your boyfriend as a boot fetishist to all his friends with size 11.5 feet.

If your fiancé has fantasized about some sort of group boot-worshipping session, and he’s shared that fantasy with you, and you want to help him realize it, that’s great. But he needs to be involved in determining where, when, how and with whom he’d like to make this fantasy a reality.


My bi girlfriend and I are getting married in a month. We’re in a cuckold relationship—she sleeps with other men and women, while I am completely monogamous to her—and “my” best man is one of her regular male sex partners, and her maid of honor is one her girlfriends-with-benefits.

No one else at our big traditional church wedding (that her mother is paying for) will know. But I wanted to let you know, Dan, since reading your column is what inspired me to be open about my kinks, and our relationship—the best I’ve ever been in—wouldn’t exist without you.

The Happy Couple

Permissible secret perving at its finest/hottest, THC. Thanks for sharing, and be sure to send me a photo of the wedding party for my records.

On the Lovecast, a sex toy expert’s husband’s favorite sex toy: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a straight male in my 30s. I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. I have had several affairs—not one-night-stand scenarios, but longer-term connections. I didn’t pursue any of these relationships. Instead, women who knew I was in an “exclusive” relationship approached me. These have included what turned into a one-year affair with a single woman, a three-year affair with a close friend of my wife, a seven-month affair with a married co-worker, and now a fairly serious four-months-and-counting relationship with a woman who approached me on Instagram.

On the one hand, I do not regret my time with any of these women. On the other hand, I have been deceitful and manipulative for almost my entire adult life. I am a terrible husband in this respect. Also, I’m going to get busted eventually, right? Finding out about this would crush my wife. I love her; we get along great; and the sex is good—if I wasn’t such a lying piece of shit, you could even say we make a pretty good team. We are also very socially and financially entangled. I don’t want to leave, but I suspect I should. And if so, I need help considering an exit strategy.

Part of my motivation for writing is that I am particularly attached to the woman I’m having an affair with now, and both of us fantasize about being together openly. I’m a liar, a cheat, a user and a manipulator—and it just keeps happening.

By the way, I’m expecting you to rip me to shreds.

A Seriously Shitty Husband On Losing Everything

It doesn’t “just keep happening,” ASSHOLE; you keep doing it. And these women didn’t “turn into” one-year, three-year, seven-month, and four-months-and-counting affairs on their own. You turned them into affairs by continuing to show up. And while you claim that each of these women pursued you despite knowing you were in an exclusive relationship, it doesn’t sound like you ran from any of them. At best, you broke into (or slowed to) a trot, which allowed each one of these lady predators to overtake you.

The first step toward holding yourself accountable for your appalling actions—A close friend of your wife? Really?—is doing away with the passive voice. Don’t ask yourself, “How’d that happen?!?” as if the universe were conspiring against you somehow. You weren’t hit by a pussy meteor every time you left the house. You did these things. You had these affairs. You.

Zooming out: If all it takes for some rando to get her hands on your otherwise committed cock is to DM you on Instagram, you have no business making monogamous commitments. If you’d sought out a partner who wanted an open relationship—a wide-open one—you could have had concurrent, committed, nonexclusive relationships and avoided being “a liar, a cheat, a user,” etc.

Seeing as you’re a reader, ASSHOLE, I suspect you knew an honest open relationship was an option—that ethical nonmonogamy was an option—but you didn’t pursue that. And why not? Maybe because you don’t want to be with a woman who is free to sit on other dicks. Or maybe the wrongness and the self-loathing—the whole bad-boy-on-the-rack routine—turn you on. Or maybe you’re the wrong kind of sadist: the un-self-aware emotional sadist. You say you love your wife, but you also say she’d be crushed—destroyed—if she discovered what you’ve been doing.

Be honest, ASSHOLE, just this once: Is the destruction of your wife a bug, or is it a feature? I suspect the latter, because cheating on this scale isn’t about succumbing to temptation or reacting to neglect. It’s about the annihilation of your partner—a (hopefully) subconscious desire to punish and destroy someone, anyone, fool enough to love you.

The tragedy is how unnecessary your choices have been. There are women out there who aren’t interested in monogamy; there are female cuckolds out there (cuckqueans) who want cheating husbands; and there are masochistic women (and men) out there who get off on the thought of being with a person who would like to crush them. So long as those desires are consciously eroticized, fully compartmentalized and safely expressed, you could have done everything you wanted, ASSHOLE, without harming anyone.

So what do you do now?

It seems like you want out, and your wife definitely deserves better, so cop to one affair, since copping to all of them would crush her—or so you think. People are often way more resilient than we give them credit for, and convincing ourselves that our partners can’t handle the truth is often a convenient justification for lying to them. But on the off chance it would crush your wife to be told everything, just tell her about Ms. Instagram. That should be enough.

P.S. Get your ass into therapy, ASSHOLE.


I’m a 42-year-old gay man. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years. We met in college, and except for a six-month break, we’ve been together ever since. I made an open relationship a requirement at the start. While my husband had jealousy and trust issues, he hooked up with others regularly. After a few tense years, we started couples’ therapy. During therapy, my husband revealed that he was never in favor of the openness. After trying some new arrangements—only together, only at sex parties, DADT—he realized he wasn’t comfortable with any situation. He told our therapist that every time I hooked up with someone, he was retraumatized because it reminded him of the time I broke up with him for six months 20 years ago.

I agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I’ve gone a year without hooking up with anyone else. He seemed genuinely relieved and said he felt more secure. But almost immediately, he began talking about how he wanted to hook up with others.

I’m at a loss. I feel tremendous guilt for even thinking about splitting up, so I keep hoping we’ll stumble on the thing that will work for us. I don’t know what to say when he says I should be monogamous to him while he gets to hook up with others. He says this would be best, since my hooking up triggers him. We are at an impasse. It sucks that we could break up over this.

Gay Marriage Having Crisis

I’ve written about a few gay couples—and a few straight ones—where one half gets to hook up with others while the other half doesn’t. But they were cuckold couples, GMHC, and the half who didn’t “get to” hook up with others didn’t want to hook up with others. The cuck half of a cuckold couple gets off on their partner “cheating” on them. While people outside the relationship might perceive that as unfair—one gets to cheat; the other doesn’t—what’s more ideal than both halves of a couple getting just what they want?

But if an eroticized power imbalance—an honestly erotized one—doesn’t turn you on, the creepily manipulative arrangement your husband is proposing certainly isn’t going to work.

Which means it’s both ultimatum and bluff-calling time. So long as your husband thinks he can dictate terms by pointing to his triggers and his trauma, GMHC, he has every incentive to continue being triggered and traumatized. So with your couples’ therapist there to mediate, tell him your marriage is either open or closed. You’re not interested in being his cuckold, and he can’t point to his trauma to force you into that role. You’re a handsome couple—thanks for enclosing the lovely picture (sometimes it’s nice to see the face of the person I’m responding to!)—with a long history together, and here’s hoping things work out. But if they don’t, GMHC, neither of you is going to have a problem finding a new partner. He can get himself a guy who likes being dictated to, if that’s really what he wants. And you can find a guy who wants an open and egalitarian relationship, which is what you deserve.

P.S. If your therapist is taking your husband’s side in this, GMHC, get a new therapist.

On the Lovecast, piss play! With the hosts of American Sex Podcast: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 67-year-old gay man. After a breakup 15 years ago, I believed the possibility of emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner was over for me. Then a couple of months ago, my desire for sexual contact increased dramatically. For the first time, I began using apps, and I felt like the proverbial kid in a candy store. It seemed strangely similar to when I first came out in San Francisco’s Castro neighborhood in the early 1970s. Also, I was surprised—not unpleasantly—by the whole Daddy phenomenon, never imagining that this old face and body would interest younger men. You can probably guess what happened next: I was contacted by a 22-year-old man who revealed himself to be mature, intelligent, sweet and, fatally, the physical type that arouses me most. I fell hard, and he seems to like me, too. Am I a creep? A fool? Is my judgment impaired?

Dumb And Daddy

The sexy “Daddy” thing—which has always been with us—seems to be undergoing a resurgence. Perhaps our omnipresent abusive orange father figure is giving us all daddy issues that are manifesting (in some) as a burning desire to service kinder, sexier, more benevolent daddies. Or perhaps the Internet is to blame—not for creating more people interested in intergenerational sex and/or romance, but for making it easier for people to anonymously seek out the kind of sex and kinds of sex partners they truly want. Even if the initial looking is anonymous, DAD, discussing one’s desires with others who share them helps people grow more comfortable with their desires and themselves—nothing melts away shame quite like knowing you’re not alone—and more people are coming out about their non-normative sexual desires, partner preferences, relationship models, etc., than ever before.

That said, DAD, if the affection of a consenting adult 40-plus years your junior is your particular perk of aging, go ahead and enjoy it. Keep your expectations realistic (a successful STR is likelier than a successful LTR); don’t do anything stupid (see Father Clements, below); and reacquaint yourself with my constantly updated and revised Campsite Rule: When there’s a significant age and/or experience gap, the older and/or more-experienced person has a responsibility to leave the younger and/or less-experienced person in better shape than they found them—no unplanned or planned pregnancies, no sexually transmitted infections, no leading the younger partner to believe “forever” is likely. Do what you can to boost their knowledge, skills and self-confidence while you’re together, and do your best to stick the nearly inevitable dismount—the chances that you’ll be together forever are slim, but you can forever be a friend, mentor and resource.

While the age difference will creep some out, DAD, that doesn’t mean you’re a creep. Don’t want to be a fool? Don’t do anything foolish (see Father Clements, below). Worried about infatuation-impaired judgment leading you to do something foolish? Ask a few trusted friends to smack you upside the head if you start paying his rent or lending him your credit cards. And just as you don’t want to take advantage of this young man, DAD, you don’t want to be taken advantage of, either. We associate age with power, but youth and beauty confer their own kinds of power, and that power can be abused—it can also lead seemingly sensible men to sign their life savings over to 24-year-old Romanian “models.”

For example: “A 79-year-old retired priest has been left heartbroken and homeless after his 24-year-old husband left him just after their home was put into his name,” LGBTQ Nation reported. “Philip Clements sold his home in Kent, England, for £214,750, before moving to Romania and purchasing an apartment for the couple to live in, in Bucharest. He signed over the property to Florin Marin, so that Marin would have security after he passed away. … Marin broke things off just weeks after the apartment was put in his name, and Clements found himself homeless.”

Keep Father Clements’s sad story in mind, DAD, but don’t be paralyzed by it, because there are lots of examples of loving, lasting, non-creepy, non-foolish relationships between partners with significant age gaps out there. So enjoy this while it lasts, and if things start to get creepy—if he starts shopping for an apartment in Bucharest—then you’ll have to pull the plug. But if this turns into a loving, lasting, healthy and unconventional LTR, DAD, then one day he’ll get to pull your plug. (When that day comes, which hopefully won’t be for a long, long time.)


Someone at work—not my boss—asked me to fuck his wife. He’s a nice guy; his wife is hot; and I’m single. This is a first for me. Besides STI status, what questions should I ask?

Help Interested Straight Boy Understand Lust’s Limitations

1. “Are you a cuckold, or is this a hotwife thing?” (Considering your sign-off, HISBULL, either you’ve assumed he’s a cuckold, or he’s told you he is one. If he is a cuck, he may want dirty texts and pictures—or he’ll want to be in the room where it happens. Is that OK with you?)

2. “Have you done this before?” (The reality of another person sleeping with your up-to-now-monogamous spouse can dredge up intense emotions, e.g., jealousy, sadness, anger, rage. If they’ve done this before and enjoyed it, you can jump right in. If they haven’t, maybe start with a make-out session at a time or in a place where you can’t progress to sex.)

3. “Can I speak directly with your wife?” (You’ll want to make sure she isn’t doing this under duress, and that she’s into you, and you’ll want to independently verify the things he’s told you about their arrangement, health, experiences, etc.)


I recently started seeing a gorgeous 24-year-old woman who’s smart and sweet and also happens to have a few out-there fetishes. There’s not much I’ll say no to, Dan, but one of the things she’s into is formicophilia—a sexual interest in being crawled on or nibbled on by insects. I offered to get some ants and worms to crawl on her body while I fuck her, but she wants me to put earthworms in her vagina. Is there a safe way to do this? A female condom? I want to help, but putting worms in your vagina seems like it will end with an embarrassing trip to the ER.

Worries Over Really Messy Scenario

“I thought I had heard everything,” said Dr. Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco. “Apparently not.”

Dr. Gunter, “Twitter’s resident gynecologist,” first went viral when she urged women not to put jade eggs in their vaginas, just one of the many idiocies pushed by the idiots at Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s idiotic “lifestyle” website. Recently, Dr. Gunter had to urge women and men not to shoot coffee up their butts, also recommended by Goop. So I thought she might have something to say about stuffing earthworms in your girlfriend’s vagina.

“This is obviously unstudied,” Dr. Gunter said, “but anything that lives in soil could easily inoculate the vagina with pathogenic bacteria. Also, I am not sure what earthworm innards could do to the vagina, but I am guessing the worms would get squished and meet an untimely demise during sex. How would you get the pieces of dead earthworm out of her vagina? I can think of a lot of ways this could go very wrong. I would advise against it.”

I’m with Dr. Gunter (and, no doubt, PETA): Don’t stuff earthworms in your girlfriend’s vagina. That said, WORMS, tucking a few earthworms into a female condom and carefully inserting it into your girlfriend’s vagina without shoving your cock in there, too … is a thoroughly disgusting thing to contemplate and blech. But while it would most likely kill the earthworms (maybe switch ’em out for gummy worms at the last second?), it probably wouldn’t damage your girlfriend or land you both in the ER. Even so, WORMS, don’t do it. Because blech.

Read Dr. Gunter’s blog (drjengunter.wordpress.com); follow her on Twitter (@DrJenGunter); and check out her new column in The New York Times (The Cycle).

On the Lovecast: Finally, a toy to help you DO YOUR KEGELS! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love