CVIndependent

Mon08032020

Last updateMon, 20 Apr 2020 1pm

It’s taken a lot to do this, but here goes: I am a 38-year-old gay male. I have been dating this guy for one year and 10 months. It’s been a lot of work. He’s cheated on me numerous times. He lives with me and doesn’t work, and I’ve been taking care of him for seven months now. He always accuses me of cheating or finds something to blame me for. What I am angry about now is how for the past four months, he has been accusing me of playing games by conspiring with people to make him hear voices. If I look up at the ceiling or look around, he says I am communicating with “them.” I keep telling him I do not hear or see anything, but he insists that I am lying. He also says I put a curse on him.

One day, I got up; he’d packed his bags, said he’d enough and walked out. He said I was not being loyal. This is a man who has been doing coke since age of 14, and he is now 43 years old. He does meth and whatever else. He said until I come clean about hearing the voices, too, and admit I cast some sort a spell on him, he won’t talk to me or see me. Mental illness runs in his family, and one sibling already committed suicide. He didn’t want professional help, because, he says, “I am too smart for that.”

I’m hurt and angry and want some advice. ANY ADVICE. Please.

Desperate For Answers

I don’t see the problem.

A delusional and potentially dangerous drug addict with mental-health issues who refuses to get help packed his bags and walked out of your life. Yahtzee, DFA—you win. It was his presence in your life (and your apartment) that was the problem, and your boyfriend—your ex-boyfriend—just solved it for you. Block his number; change your locks; and pray he forgets your address.

You might wanna seek some professional help yourself. You need to get to the bottom of why you wasted nearly two years on this asshole. Being alone can’t be worse than being with someone who cheats on you and then accuses you of cheating—to say nothing of someone who abuses drugs, hears voices and makes other irrational/delusional accusations. He wasn’t just a danger to himself, DFA; he was a danger to you. He’s out of your apartment—now you need to get him out of your head.

About a month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after I found out was cheating on me. Long before we broke up, I freaked out about a rash; looking back, I think it was probably herpes all along. I found out for sure three days ago, and I’m honestly thinking about not telling him. He doesn’t show any symptoms, and he’s the type of guy who will call me a slut if I tell him. He’ll blame me for his wrongdoing and just keep going and going. I honestly don’t know if I should tell him, since he’s asymptomatic. This is going to cause a huge problem between us.

He has a lot of anger issues and he could use this as blackmail. I’m legitimately scared.

Her Ex Reacts Personally

Letting a former sex partner know you may have exposed them to an STI—or that they may have exposed you to an STI—is the decent, responsible, courteous and kind thing to do. Not just for their health and safety, HERP, but for the health and safety of their future sex partners.

But people who are unkind, scary and violent have no one but themselves to blame when a former sex partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/enbyfriend is too afraid for their own safety to make that disclosure. Provided your fears are legitimate, HERP, and you’re not inflating them to avoid an awkward or unpleasant conversation, you don’t owe your ex a call.

I’m a bi guy, living alone. At the start of the year, this new guy moved into the house where I live in—we share communal areas but have private rooms—and he’s a bit of a slacker, but holy shit, is he hot. I’ve had regular fantasies about him—and now with the quarantine, those fantasies have increased along with the number of times I see him in a day. I’ve been feeling the urge to ask him if he’s interested in anything, but my friends have advised me to “not shit where I eat.” But due to the quarantine, the only other option I have is masturbating, and that’s not doing the trick. Should I take the plunge and ask him?

Household Entirely Lacks Pleasure

Health authorities have advised us to shit where we eat for the time being. The New York City Health Department recommends masturbation, HELP, because you are and always have been your safest sex partner. But your next-safest partner during this pandemic is someone with whom you live. NYC Health has advised us all to “avoid close contact—including sex—with anyone outside your household.” That doesn’t mean everyone inside your household is fair game, of course; some people are quarantining with their parents. But if there was ever a time when you could approach a non-related adult with whom you live to see if they might wanna fuck around, now’s the time.

Apologize to the hot slacker in advance for potentially making things awkward, and invite him to say no. (“If you’re not interested, please say no, and I promise not to bring it up again.”) But if the answer is yes, HELP, send video.

I’m a gay bondage bottom. My boyfriend of four years is 100 percent vanilla, and we solved the “problem” of my need to get tied up—and it’s a real need—by outsourcing it. (Can you tell we’re longtime readers and listeners?) I was seeing two regular FWBs/bondage buddies, but that’s obviously on hold right now. (I’ve reached out to both my FWBs to let them both know I’m thinking about them and that I care about them, Dan, like you’ve been urging people to do on your show.)

The issue is I still really need to get tied up, and my boyfriend is willing, but he’s so bad at it that I don’t want to bother. He knows how much I need it, and he’s hurt that I’d rather go without than let him put me in bondage that isn’t really bondage, because I can easily get out. We used to fight, because I wanted him to tie me up, and he didn’t want to do it, and now we’re fighting because he wants to tie me up and I won’t let him do it. Any advice for a fan?

This Isn’t Exactly Desirable

If people can teach yoga, give concerts and conduct first dates via online streaming services, then one of your bondage buddies can—if they’re into the idea—give your boyfriend a few bondage tutorials online. I’m glad to hear you already reached out to your bondage buddies, TIED, since now you’ll be asking them to do you and your boyfriend a favor. But I imagine it’s a favor they’ll enjoy doing.

I’m a teenage girl with a female friend who keeps joking about having sex with me. We’re both into girls and sex, and while I find her really hot, she probably doesn’t feel the same about me. How can I tell if she’s joking about it because she finds the idea ridiculous, or if she’s joking about it because she actually wants to? Once everything goes back to normal COVID-wise, what should I do?

Getting Into Real Life

The ability to ask someone a direct question—particularly someone you’re interested in romantically and/or sexually—is an important skill, GIRL, and getting some practice now, when stakes are relatively low, will benefit you for your entire life. So get your friend on the phone, and ask her this: “Are you serious about wanting to have sex with me? It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I’m actually attracted to you. Please say no if the answer’s no.” If the answer is yes, you can make a date to get together once circumstances/pandemics allow. But if the answer is no, GIRL, then you can get some practice making declarative statements: “I don’t want you to make those jokes anymore. They’re hurtful to me.” And if she continues to make jokes about having sex with you after you’ve made it clear she’s hurting your feelings, then she’s just being cruel and doesn’t deserve your time, attention or friendship.

The Savage Lovecast, every Tuesday. This week, with Marc Maron! www.savagelovecast.com

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I’ve been with the same amazing man for a dozen years. We’ve had our ups and our downs, same as any other couple, but these days, life is better than it ever has been for us. Except in the bedroom.

A few years ago, he started having fantasies about sucking dick. Specifically, he wanted to suck a small one, because his is very big, and he wanted to “service” a guy who’s less hung than he is. This is fine except, it’s now the only thing that gets him off. We seldom have sex since now, because his obsession with sucking off a guy with a small dick makes me feel unattractive—and to be honest, I don’t share the fantasy. I even let him suck a dude off in front of me once, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. He tells me he still finds me attractive, but when we’re having sex, the talk always goes to how he wants to take “warm and salty loads” down his throat. I’ve told him I’m not into it, but he enjoys talking about it so much he can’t help himself. I thought by allowing him to live out his fantasy would help him “get over it,” so to speak, but that didn’t happen. So now we just don’t have sex except once every few months.

I’m not sure how to make him see that it’s just not my thing—and to get the focus back on just the two of us.

Loves Obsesses About Dick Sucking

If you can look at your husband and think, “Things are better than ever!” despite the dismal state of your sex life, LOADS, I hate to think what life with him used to be like.

There’s not an easy fix here. If you’ve already told your husband the “warm and salty load” talk is a turn-off and made it clear it’s the reason your sex life has pretty much collapsed—and he nevertheless persists with the “warm and salty load” talk—well, then your husband is telling you would he would rather not have sex than have sex without talking about warm and salty loads.

Now I’m assuming that you actually told him how you feel, LOADS, in clear and unambiguous terms, and that you said what you needed to say emphatically. And by “emphatically,” LOADS, I mean, “repeatedly and at the top of your lungs.” If not—if you’re doing that thing women are socialized to do, i.e., if you’re downplaying the severity of your displeasure in a misguided effort to spare your husband’s feelings—then you need to get emphatic. Sometimes it’s not enough to tell, LOADS; sometimes you have to yell.

You’re obviously GGG—you’re good, giving and game—but your husband has taken you for granted and been almost unbelievably inconsiderate. Because even if he needs to think about sucking dick to get off, LOADS, he doesn’t need to verbalize that fantasy each and every time you fuck. Even if you were into it, which you’re not, it would get tedious. And it wasn’t just selfish of him to ignore how you felt, LOADS; it was shortsighted—because women who are willing let their husbands talk about wanting to suck a dick—much less actually suck a dick—aren’t exactly easy to come by.

I guess what I’m trying to say, LOADS, is that your husband really blew it. If he hadn’t allowed this obsession to completely dominate your sex life—if he’d made some small effort to control himself—you might’ve been willing to let him act on his fantasy more than once. But as things stand now, it’s hard to see how you come back from this, LOADS, because even if he can manage to STFU about warm and salty loads long enough to fuck you, you’re going to know he’s thinking about warm and salty loads. So the most plausible solution here—assuming that you want to stay married to this guy—would be for him to go suck little dicks (once circumstances allow) while you get some decent sex elsewhere (ditto).

Finally, a lot of vanilla people think—erroneously—that acting on a kink will somehow get it out a kinky person’s system. That’s not the way kinks work. Kinks are hard-wired, and kinky people wanna act on their kinks again and again, for the exact same reason vanilla people wanna do vanilla things again and again: because it turns them on.


I have what most people would consider an amazing life. I have two healthy kids, financial security, a stable career and a husband who is the exact partner I could ever want. I really couldn’t ask for more. I just have one issue: My husband wants to be intimate more often than I do.

We are both nearing 40, and his libido has not slowed down. I, on the other hand, due to a combination of being busy with work and us both taking care of the kids (especially during the lockdown), find myself with a decreased sexual drive. Because of my (and our) obligations, I find myself alternating between a state of tiredness, anxiousness or distraction, none of which get me “in the mood.”

We’ve talked about the situation, and he is absolutely respectful when we do so, but he has made it clear he’s very frustrated. I think once a week is more than enough, and he could go multiple times a day. It’s to the point where he feels he’s begging just to fit some “us” time into our lives, which he says makes him feel undesirable and humiliated. There isn’t anything wrong with him that leaves me not wanting to engage in physical intimacy; we just seem to have different physical intimacy schedules, and it’s putting a serious strain on our relationship.

How can we work to find a comfortable middle ground, or at the absolute least, help me explain to him why I’m not as randy as he is?

Completely Lost In Tacoma

You don’t need to craft an elaborate explanation, CLIT, as what’s going on here is pretty simple: Your husband has a high libido, and you have a low one.

What you need is a reasonable accommodation. Opening up your marriage obviously isn’t an option right now, CLIT, and it might not be an option you would’ve considered even if it were possible for your husband to find an outlet (or inlet) elsewhere. But there is something you can do.

Your husband is doubtless jacking off a lot to relieve the pressure. If there’s something he enjoys that you don’t find physically taxing, and if he promises not to pressure you to upgrade to intercourse in the moment, then you could enhance his masturbatory routine. Does he like it when you sit on his face? Then sit on his face—you can even keep your clothes on—while he rubs one out. Does he love your tits? Let him look at them while he beats off. Is he a little kinky? It doesn’t take that long to piss on someone in the tub, and it wouldn’t mean adding something to your already packed schedule, CLIT, as you need to find time to piss anyway.

It would be unreasonable of your husband to expect sex three times a day—that would be an irrational expectation even if you were childless and independently wealthy—but your husband isn’t asking you to fuck him three times a day. He wants a little more sexual activity, some erotic affirmation and more couple time. Giving him an assist while he masturbates ticks all those boxes. That said, this will only work if your husband solemnly vows never to initiate intercourse during an assisted masturbation session. If you catch a groove and start feeling horny and wanna upgrade to intercourse, you should. But he needs to let you lead, because if he starts pressuring you for sex when you’re just there to assist, then you’re going to be reluctant to help him out.

If he can follow that one rule, CLIT, you’ll feel more connected, and you’ll probably wind up having more PIV/PIB/PIM sex—maybe twice a week instead of once a week—but it will be sex you both want.

On this week’s Savage Lovecast, yes it IS possible to be both horny and depressed. Also, hear the tale of intrepid mountain climbers, and what they can do in their harnesses: www.savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 31-year-old female. Last week, I suddenly started to experience an overwhelming, compulsive and near-constant state of physical arousal. I’ve masturbated so much looking for relief that my entire lower region is super sore and swollen—and still, it is like my whole body is pulsating with this electric arousal telling me to ignore the pain and do it again.

I have no idea if it’s normal to suddenly have suck a spike in libido, and I know a lot of people will say they wish they had this problem, but it is interfering with my daily activities, because I can’t focus on anything else. My college classes are suffering because of it. I’ve even had to remove my clitoral hood piercing, which I’ve had that for over 10 years!

I feel like I have all of the reasons—high anxiety related to the pandemic, being stuck with an alcoholic boyfriend in the house, tons of homework, finances are low—to warrant a lack of arousal, so why am I drowning in it? Everything I’m learning in class states that sexual desire lowers throughout one’s life span, so why am I literally pulsating with it? I really don’t want to call my doctor if I don’t have to. Any insight would be appreciated.

Chronically Aroused

“There’s a general belief that sexual arousal is always wanted—and the more, the better,” said Robyn Jackowich. “But in reality, persistent and unwanted sexual arousal can be very distressing.”

Jackowich is a Ph.D. candidate at Queen’s University, where she works under the supervision of Dr. Caroline Pukall in the Sexual Health Research Lab. Jackowich has published numerous studies on persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD), a condition characterized by a constant or frequently recurring state of genital arousal—sensations, sensitivity, swelling—in the absence of sexual desire.

“In other words, there is a disconnect between what is happening in one’s body and mind,” said Jackowich, “and this can be both distressing and distracting.”

While you would think stress would tank your libido—and preliminary research shows that the pandemic is tanking more libidos than it’s not—stress and anxiety can actually be triggers for PGAD.

As you’ve learned, CA, you can’t masturbate your way out of this. So what do you do? Unfortunately, it’s the thing you’d really rather not do: Call your doctor.

“It’s important to meet with a knowledgeable healthcare provider to ensure there is not another concern present that may be responsible for the symptoms, and to access treatment,” said Jackowich. “Research on treatments for PGAD is relatively new, so it can be helpful to meet with a team of different healthcare providers to find what treatments would be most effective for you specifically. This could include a gynaecologist, urologist, pelvic-floor physical therapist, neurologist, and/or psychologist with expertise in sex therapy.”

Talking with your doctor about this may be embarrassing, I realize, and it doesn’t help that many doctors are unfamiliar with PGAD. Jackowich actually recommends bringing printouts of information pages and research papers about the condition to your appointment and sharing them with your physician. And if your doc doesn’t take your distress seriously and/or refuses to refer you to the specialists you need to see, CA, then you’ll need to get yourself a new doctor. (You can find those information pages and research papers at sexlab.ca/pgad, where you can also learn about currently available treatments and join support groups for sufferers.)

“More awareness of PGAD and research on this condition is needed to help understand the symptoms and develop effective treatments,” said Jackowich. “If you experience these symptoms and would like to contribute to ongoing research efforts, the Queen’s University Sexual Health Research Lab is seeking participants for an online study.” To take part in that online survey, go to sexlab.ca/pgad; click on “participate”; and scroll down to the “OLIVE Study.”


I’ve rekindled a romance with an ex from a decade ago. We are long distance right now but getting very close. We have one recurring problem, though: She does not like that I am friends with another ex. That ex has actually been a close friend for a very long time, and our friendship means a lot to me. Our romantic relationship only lasted a few months. But since we did have a romantic relationship once, my current girlfriend sees my ex as a threat.

I have reassured her several times that the relationship is in the past, and we are now only friends. But my girlfriend doesn’t want me to communicate with her at all. She wants me to un-friend her on Facebook and un-follow her Instagram, and at least once a week, she asks if we have been in contact. It is hard for me to throw a friend away in order to be in a relationship. Even though I don’t talk to my ex/friend all that regularly, I would like the option to at least check in every once in a while. Cutting her out of my life completely feels like a kind of death.

I wish there was some way I could find a compromise, but this seems to be one of those “all or nothing” things. I also don’t like this feeling of not being trusted and fear it could lead to other problems down the line.

Unhappy Girlfriend Has Sensitivities

I can see why your current girlfriend might feel threatened by your relationship with an ex, UGHS, seeing as she—your current girlfriend—was until very recently just another one of your exes. Since you got back together with her, the green-eyed monster whispers in her ear, what’s to stop you from getting back together with your other ex?

What the green-eyed monster doesn’t say, of course, is that you had every opportunity to get back together with your ex and didn’t. And cutting off your ex now doesn’t mean you can’t get back together with her later. And what’s to stop you from getting together with one of the 3.5 billion women you haven’t already dated?

You have to take a hard line on this. Tell your current girlfriend you’re happy to provide her with a little reassurance when she’s feeling insecure about your ex, but you’re not going to un-friend or un-follow her or anyone else. You can make an appeal to reason—you wouldn’t be with your current girlfriend if you were the sort of person who cut off contact with his exes—but if your current girlfriend is the irrationally jealous type … well, an appeal to reason won’t help. Irrationally jealous people are by definition incapable of seeing reason, UGHS, which is why they must be shown doors.


This isn’t a sexy question, but you are wise, and I am confused. I have been friends with a woman for about 16 years. She’s very funny, creative and loves to have a good time. She’s also intense and not very bright—and my family and friends do not like her around. Now that we’re grown, we do not see each other often, but I’ve been glad to maintain a friendship with her and get together now and again.

Enter: my wedding. At the reception, she made a fool of herself (and me) by going on some strange, racist rant. The racist thing really surprised and disappointed me, and when I asked her about it, she shrugged it off, like, “Oh, just add that to the list of dumb things I do when I’m drunk.” Other things she’d done when she’s drunk: two DUIs, waking up in jail with an assault charge, having sex with strangers, etc.

It’s been about seven months since my wedding, and I’ve basically been ignoring while trying to decide what to do. I love my friend, but I do not want her hurting anyone else on my watch. Do I call her up and end it? See her once a year when no one’s around? Ignore her until she dies?

Loyal To A Fault

Tell your racist friend to give you a call after she gets sober, and confront her about her racism then—you know, when she’s actually capable of remembering the conversation, reflecting on what you had to say, and perhaps changing for the better. If she can’t get both sober and better, LTAF, make sure she isn’t registered to vote, and then ignore her until she dies.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Dan chats with our epidemiologist pal about the state of the pandemic, and also with the founder of the Badass Army—a group working to fight for victims of revenge porn: www.savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I was raised in a religious home and didn’t lose my virginity until the embarrassing age of 26. I was told by the church to save it for marriage, and I was a virgin until I met the woman who would become my wife at a party. I said to hell with it; we had a one-night stand; and we’ve been together now for eight years.

I’m tall and slim, and my wife is short and heavy. Like an idiot, I believed it’s what’s on the inside that matters. My wife is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. I love spending time with her, but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to her. As a result, I’ve all but stopped initiating sex, and on the rare occasion when we do make love, I make her come twice while I’m struggling just to get off.

I know it’s shallow, and I know beauty is only skin deep, but what am I supposed to do when seeing my wife naked sends me into an anxiety attack? When I’m helping out with laundry, I get bummed, because there’s nothing in her wardrobe I find attractive on her. Even when I look at old pictures of us together, I get extremely depressed, because I know this is the best she’s ever going to look. It doesn’t help that she finds me handsome and regularly tells me so.

It’s gotten to the point where I find any woman who isn’t my wife desirable. (Including, but not limited to, her family and friends.) I should also mention that she has no interest in having an open relationship or a threesome, because she prefers having me “all to herself.” I don’t want to ask her to change, because she’s perfectly happy with herself, but I’m becoming increasingly resentful.

What do I do? How do I tell her? And is there any way I can come out of this a good husband?

In The Shallows

I was so relieved to get all the way to the end of your letter without learning you had kids. Because that means I can advise you—with a clear conscience—to file for divorce, and move the fuck out just as soon as it’s possible to do so. Not for your own sake, ITS, but for your wife’s sake. She deserves better.

You say you’re growing increasingly resentful. I hope your resentment is directed at all of the people who victimized you. Your wife isn’t one of them. It’s your parents you should resent, ITS, as well as all the sex-phobic bullshit artists out there masquerading as “faith leaders.”

You should be angry with yourself, too. While I know from personal experience how a religious upbringing can put the zap on a kid’s head, you were a grown-ass man when you met your wife at that party. You couldn’t have slept with her that night—you couldn’t have lost your virginity in a one-night stand—if you hadn’t already rejected nearly everything you’d been taught about sex. If you were capable of having premarital sex, you were capable of refraining from marrying the first person you slept with.

Your wife is gonna want to know why you’re leaving her—of course she is—but you’re not going to tell her the real reason. You’re going to make something up. You want kids, and she doesn’t (or vice-versa); you married too young (which is true); you have unresolved childhood issues (and don’t we all). While you won’t be able to spare your wife the pain of a breakup, ITS, you can spare her the pain of learning the person she’s been sleeping with for eight years is repulsed by her body. You can’t be a good husband to her, ITS, but you can be decent ex-husband. And to do that—to be her decent and loving and supportive ex—you can’t set her self-esteem on fire on your way out the door.

And your wife’s body isn’t repulsive. She’s not someone you’re attracted to, ITS, and you’re not obligated to find short and round women sexually appealing. But while “tall and slim” are more closely associated with conventional concepts of attractiveness, ITS, not everyone’s into tall and slim. There are people who are into short and round, and people out there who are attracted to all body types, and people who are utterly indifferent to bodies. Your wife deserves the chance to find someone who’s sincerely attracted to her. Even being alone would be better than spending decades with someone who recoils from her touch.

For the record: What’s on the inside does count. It matters. If you met a woman who was more conventionally attractive—if you were with someone who was your idea of hot—and over time, she revealed herself to be an asshole (if she was rude to waiters, if she was emotionally abusive, if she was a Trump supporter, etc.), your attraction to her would wither away. What you want—not what you’ll get, ITS, but the best you can hope for—is some combo of hot on the outside (subjective and personal) and good on the inside. And the longer you’re with someone, ITS, the more important good on the inside becomes. Time is a motherfucking meat grinder, and it makes hamburger out of us all. If you prioritize your idea of hot over all other qualities, you run the very real risk of spending decades with a person who has aged out of hot and was never nice.

Longtime reader asking for advice. I’m a med student. I came to the U.S. when I was 18 in order to go to college, and I’m still in the U.S. I’m 25 now, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about three years now. We’re somewhat monogamous and have been living together for two years. I’m out as a gay man where we live, but my parents and family back in Brazil have zero idea. As you may know, Brazil has a weird relationship with sexuality. We’re seen and for the most part are very open, but our culture is also very homophobic. My BF has been pressuring me to come out, but I’ve been apprehensive, considering how important family is to me.

Fears A Massive Implosion Likely, Yet …

Gay men don't come out to our families because they’re unimportant to us. We come out to our families because they’re important to us.

Family is important to you, and you’re worried you might lose yours if you come out to them. But you’re definitely gonna lose them if you don’t. Because to keep your life a secret from them—to hide your boyfriend from them—you’re going to have to cut them out of your life. It'll be little things at first, FAMILY, but over time, the amount of things you have to keep from them grows. Lies pile up on top of lies, and the distance between you and your family grows. Before you know it, they don’t know you at all anymore, and you don’t know them—because you can’t risk letting them know you. So to avoid their possible rejection, you will have rejected them. You will have lost your family.

I know, I know: It’s scary. I came out to my very Catholic family when I was a teenager. I was scared to death. But if they couldn’t accept me for who I am—if I couldn’t rely on their love and support—what was the point of having them in my life at all?

By the way: No one likes being someone’s dirty little secret. It hurts your boyfriend to see the person who claims to love him prioritize his family’s presumed bigotry (it’s possible they’ll react more positively than you think) over his feelings and dignity. By not coming out, FAMILY, you will lose the family you were born into—and the one you’ve created with your boyfriend, too.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I am a super-queer-presenting female who recently accepted that I have desires for men. My partner of two years is bisexual and understands the desires, but has personally dealt with those desires via masturbation—while my desires include acting. Her perspective is that the grass is greener where you water it, and that my desire to act is immature and selfish, and has an unrealistic end game. What gives when you don’t feel fulfilled sexually in a monogamous relationship?

Open Or Over?

Something definitely gives when a person doesn’t feel fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. Sometimes it’s an ultimatum that’s given; sometimes it’s a one-time-only hall pass that’s given; sometimes it’s an agreement to open the relationship that’s given. But the relationship sometimes gives, e.g., the relationship collapses under the weight of competing and mutually exclusive needs and desires. If you want to open things up (if allowed), and she wants to keep things closed (no allowance), OOO, it’s ultimately your willpower—your commitment to honoring the commitment you’ve made—that’s likely to give.

I have a close friend who’s cheating on her girlfriend. It has been going on for more than a year. At first, I actually supported the exploration, because my friend has a really unsupportive girlfriend who has done really crappy things to her over the course of their relationship. I kept pushing for her to make a decision and use this affair as a way for her to free herself, but she is just coasting along with her girlfriend and her lover. She’s under a lot of stress, and she’s turned into a major liar—and it’s creeping me out. I’m considering either telling her girlfriend myself (though I promised my friend I wouldn’t), or maybe I just need to end this friendship. My friend’s double life upsets me. It’s just been going on too long.

Is My Friend An Asshole?

If your friend—the one leading the double life—is asking you to run interference for her, if she’s asking you to lie to her girlfriend, or if she’s asked you to compromise your integrity in some way, she’s an asshole, and you’re a sap; tell your friend you’re done covering for her and that you won’t be able to see her again until the deceit or the pandemic is over, whichever comes first. If the issue is that your friend expects you to ooze sympathy while she goes on and on about the mess she’s made of her life, IMFAA, simply refuse to discuss the mess that is her love life. Remind her that she already knows what you think needs to do—she needs to break the fuck up with her shitty girlfriend—and then change the subject.

I’m a cis het woman who loves men and loves dicks. I love dicks so much that I fantasize about having one. Nothing brings me to orgasm more quickly or reliably than closing my eyes and imagining my own dick, or imagining myself as my partner, and what they’re feeling through their dick. I love being a woman, and I’m afraid to bring this up with any partner(s) of mine. Is this super-weird? Am I secretly trans somehow? Am I overthinking this?

Perfect Minus Penis

It’s not that weird; some people are trans, and you could be one of them (but fantasizing about having a dick ≠ being a male); and you’re overthinking what you should be enjoying. Buy a strap-on; tell your partners about your fantasies; and enjoy having the dick you can have.

I wonder if you might be able to put a label on this sex act: It has to do with overstimulation, in this case of a penis (mine). After receiving a wonderful hand job, the giver kept stroking me purposefully. My penis was in a heightened, super-sensitive state. It was almost like being tickled, if you’re ticklish. I was being forcefully held down (consensually), and just as I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I had a second amazing orgasm. I didn’t ejaculate again; it was more of a body orgasm. It came in waves, and everything was warm. It was mind-blowing, spiritual, galactic, unique and very similar to how I’ve heard women describe their orgasms. Ever hear of anything like this? Is this some sort of Japanese underground kink thing?

Witty Hilarious Overzealous Amateur

The act you’re describing already has a name, WHOA, and an entry on Urban Dictionary: apple-polishing. Most men find the sensation of having the head of their cock worked so overwhelming that their bodies involuntarily recoil, which makes it difficult to polish someone’s apple if the “victim” isn’t restrained in some way. But it’s not painful—it’s like being tickled; indeed, the victim usually reacts with desperate laughter and gasping pleas for it to stop. (Don’t ask me how I know.) That all-over feeling of euphoria you experienced when your apple got polished was most likely a wave of endorphins—like a runner who pushes herself past her physical limits and experiences a full-body “runner’s high.” You were pushed past your physical limits, WHOA, and experienced the same sort of high.

I’m a 35-year-old straight guy. I recently started seeing an amazing 34-year-old girl. We love being around each other, but during sex, neither of us can come. It’s infuriating, to say the least. She has no trouble when she masturbates, and I know I have no trouble when I masturbate, so why can’t we come together?

Can’t Understand Matter

If you can come when you masturbate, and she can come when she masturbates, CUM, masturbate together, and you’ll be coming together. Mutual masturbation isn’t a sad consolation prize—mutual masturbation is sex, and it can be great sex. And the more often you come together through mutual masturbation, CUM, the likelier it gets that you’ll be able to come together while enjoying other things.

I have a weird and terrible problem. I’ve been seeing someone new, and I have just discovered that I get diarrhea every time I swallow his come—like debilitating pee poops an hour after, every time. I know the solution to the problem would be to stop swallowing, but I was wondering if you had ever heard of this before or knew why this was.

My Sad Asshole

I have heard of this before, MSA, and superstar Savage Love guest expert Dr. Debby Herbenick unpacked the cause for another reader a few years back: “Prostaglandins are substances made by the body and that the body is sensitive to. Semen contains prostaglandins—and prostaglandins can have a laxative effect on people. Related: If you’ve ever felt a little loosey-goosey right before getting your period, that’s also thanks to prostaglandins (which spike just before your period, because the prostaglandins get the uterine muscles to contract, which then helps to shed the lining of the uterus, resulting in a menstrual period). So why don’t more semen-swallowers find themselves running to the bathroom post-blowjob? I don’t know why most people aren’t extra-sensitive to prostaglandins, but fortunately, most of us aren’t, or there would probably be a lot less swallowing in the world.”

So, MSA, you’ll have to stop swallowing your boyfriend’s come, or only swallow when you have immediate access to a toilet in a restroom with a powerful fan.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast, this week with Erin Gibson: www.savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

Your last two columns and your last two podcasts were all about the pandemic. Everything everywhere is all about the pandemic right now. Can you give it a rest? For maybe a week? Could you answer some questions that aren’t about pandemic? Any fun kink questions come in this week? I could all use a break from the pandemic, Dan, and I’m not alone.

Columnist’s Oeuvre Vividly Instills Dread

Some kink questions did come in this week, COVID, and I’m happy to answer them. But the pandemic does come up in the second one, which you should feel free to skip.

I have a kink/fetish that’s been giving me a lot of anxiety over the last few years. I inadvertently discovered that I’m turned on by big bellies, weight gain and stuffing. It’s actually been there since I was a little kid, though I didn’t understand it until now. If it’s relevant, I’m a female, in my mid-20s, in a heterosexual monogamous relationship.

My problem is that I have a lot of trouble getting off without looking at pictures or at least thinking about my kink. I believe the common guidance is, “If it’s not hurting anyone, it’s fine.” But I feel super-gross and ashamed. Neither my partner nor myself is large, and we both value our health and fitness. I have absolutely no desire to participate in this activity with a real person. Every time I finish masturbating, I feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself. Some part of my brain obviously craves the kink, but the rest of my brain HATES it. I keep telling myself I will stop, but I have such a hard time getting off with other porn (or without porn) that I always return to it. I genuinely enjoy having vanilla sex with my partner. I feel turned on, and I have fun. But I’m often not I able to come. It sometimes makes him think he isn’t doing a good job, when in reality, he’s doing great, and I’m just frustrated with my body.

So I guess I’m wondering: Does continuing to watch belly porn reinforce the kink in my brain? Should I stop watching it and force myself to find other ways to come? Should I somehow find a way to embrace the kink instead?

Big Belly Woes

Six years ago, I roped Dr. Jesse Bering, author of Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us, into answering a question from a dad who was worried about his teenage son’s sexual interest in Pokémon. (Yes, Pokémon.) Dad wanted to know if there was anything could done about his son’s “pathetic” sexual obsession. Bering explained that his kid’s kinks—that everyone’s kinks—are hardwired. “Nobody knows why some people are more prone to developing unusual patterns of attraction than others,” Bering said. “But whether it’s a penchant for Pokémon, feet, underwear or spiders, the best available evidence suggests that some people—mostly males—have a genetic predisposition for being ‘sexually imprinted’ during development.”

And once our erotic imaginations have seized on something—once we’ve imprinted on Pokémon characters or big bellies or wrestling singlets—there’s not much we can do about it. Before we’re adults—before we hit puberty—our kinks, as Bering put it, are “pretty much fixed, like it or not.”

For all we know, the teenage boy with the Pokémon fetish was completely comfortable with his own niche sexual interests. The dad wrote in, after all, not the kid. (If you’re a 23-year-old Pokémon fetishist, and your dad routinely invaded your privacy when you were a teenager and heaped shame upon you about your kinks, please write in with an update!) But I have heard from people who, like you, weren’t comfortable with their own kinks, BBW, and desperately wanted to know what could be done. Most sex scientists and researchers agree with Bering: There’s really nothing you can do, and masturbating to the porn that turns you on doesn’t “reinforce” your kinks. You can’t starve out your kinks by refusing to think (or wank) about them, BBW, and you can’t pray your kinks away any more than I could pray my gay away. Embracing your kinks and exploring them with other consenting adults—or if your kinks can’t be realized for ethical reasons, enjoying them through solo or partnered fantasy play only—is the only realistic option.

That said, some doctors have prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), aka anti-depressants, to people who were uncomfortable with their kinks. Those drugs don’t selectively eradicate kinks, BBW; they crater a person’s libido. Taking SSRIs would mean sacrificing the vanilla sex you enjoy with your partner on the same altar with the kink that stresses you out. I can’t imagine you want to go down either of these routes, BBW, which brings us back to embracing your kink and coming clean with your partner.

The risk you run telling a partner about your kink is no doubt at the forefront of your mind, BBW, because the consequences could be immediate, i.e., he might dump you. But not telling your partner about your kink—and leaving him to wonder why you can’t get off with him, but have no trouble getting off alone—isn’t risk-free, either. If he feels inadequate, if he feels like you’re hiding something from him, if he feels like he can’t satisfy you … he might dump you.

So share your kink with your boyfriend, BBW. Kinks should always be presented as crazy and endearing—and potentially really fun—as quirks, not as tragedies. You have a thing for big bellies, BBW; you don’t have leukemia. And you can explore your kinks without gaining weight or stuffing your partner until he does. A little big belly dirty talk could help you get off with your partner, BBW, and even the fittest person can push their tummy out and create the illusion of a rounded belly. Have fun!


My boyfriend and I live in San Francisco, where we’ve been sheltering in place. We are unfortunately unable to shelter together, which means that we cannot have physical contact, especially since he lives with a parent who’s at heightened risk. (It’s not an option for him to stay with me for the duration.) We’re as frustrated about having to abruptly end the physical aspect of our relationship as you might expect. We go for (distanced) walks during the week; we talk every day; and we jerk off in front of webcams together, but that only goes so far. I was thinking about giving him some of my worn panties for him to do whatever he wants with. My question is this: If I were to wash my hands and be cautious while putting together a pervy care package, is there much of a risk of spreading the virus around by doing this? I’m currently in good health, but I know that people can be infected but asymptomatic, and we’re being really careful to keep both of our households as safe as possible. Can the virus be spread via pussy juice?

Very Aromatic Gift

COVID-19 hasn’t been detected in vaginal fluids, VAG, so your pussy juice by itself doesn’t constitute a threat. But the virus, which is usually transmitted through the air (by people with the virus coughing, sneezing or even exhaling), can survive for hours or days on different kinds of surfaces, including clothes. The virus can live for up to 24 hours on cardboard, VAG, which mean it’s the package, not the panties, that are potentially a danger here.

If the last person who handled your care package—think the UPS guy who dropped it on his porch—had COVID-19, your boyfriend could wind up exposing himself by touching the box and then his face before washing his hands. But I think you should send him that package—but wear gloves while you pack it; don’t send it overnight (your scent will keep for a couple of days); and make sure your boyfriend immediately washes his hands after opening and discarding the package.

On the Lovecast, comedian Pete Dominick: www.savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

My husband and I got married in August 2019, and we were together for more than five years before getting married. I’m very happy and love him with all my heart. I want to have his kids and support his entrepreneurial efforts as he supports mine. We don’t fight; we just have some tiffs here and there. The kicker is that I have a tough time feeling him during sex, and he doesn’t last as long as I would like him to.

We’re adventurous enough to try different things, i.e. toys and different positions, but I find myself sexually unfulfilled. He also isn’t very willing/interested in going down on me; in fact, he has not once gone down on me. I’m also finding myself attracted to and fantasizing about other men. In addition to being honest with my husband, I don’t know what the solution is. I’m not opposed opening up a marriage, but I worry that I’m just being selfish and that it’s too soon to try or even discuss it at any length. I did bring up a crush I have on a co-worker, and my husband said, “There’s nothing wrong with having a snack.” What did he mean by that? Do you have any other insights or suggestions on what to do?

I hope you, your family and your friends are holding up OK during this pandemic. It’s a scary time, so I hope you’re all OK.

Married Not Dead

I shared your letter with Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Through her books, lectures and podcasts (“Sex Out Loud Radio”), Taormino has helped countless couples navigate the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. But before we dive into the specifics of your situation, MND, there’s something Taormino and I want to make clear to all.

“In this time of a global pandemic, thinking and talking about non-monogamy is all you can do right now,” said Taormino. “This goes for everyone: No new sex partners until public health experts say we can go back to standing closer than six feet apart. Even then, we’re going to have to proceed with caution.”

Listen up, people: the woman who literally wrote the book on open relationships says open and poly relationships are cancelled for the time being. “Yup, cancelled,” said Taormino, “unless every one of your partners lives with you.”

While COVID-19 isn’t classified as a sexually transmitted infection (STI), having sex with someone who has coronavirus would almost certainly result in transmission. And since people who get infected typically don’t show symptoms for up to two weeks, the fact that someone appears to be healthy doesn’t mean they are corona-free. Someone can look and feel great and be both infected and infectious. So for the time being, we should only be having sex with a sex partner we live with. If you have more than one sex partner, and you’re all staying in the same place, great! Poly isn’t cancelled for you and your partners. But we shouldn’t be hooking up with new partners in person or going to see established partners we don’t live with. That goes double for meeting up with non-cohabitating partners who have other partners and whose other partners have other partners of their own. But the good news is that sext messages and dirty video chats are both allowed and encouraged, kids, so we can get off online with new people, as well as established partners who live on the other side of town or the other side of the world. Hell, get the whole polycule together on Zoom—just don’t actually get together (or get under) anyone you don’t live with.

OK! With that out of the way, MND, we’re going to answer your question. But bear in mind that some of our advice—our advice about opening up your marriage—won’t be fully actionable until after COVID-19 is brought under control.

“I’m glad MND is being honest with her husband about her desires, but let’s take that further with even more specific talk about what’s missing in her sex life,” said Taormino. “In her letter, I heard: pussy-eating, intense-enough sensation from intercourse, and longer sex sessions. I’ll translate that: She’s missing pleasure, reciprocation and orgasms for her. She is NOT being selfish for wanting these things. They are pretty fundamental aspects of a sexual relationship, and she needs to address them with her husband first.”

Backing way the hell up: Assuming you knew about my column five years ago, MND, it’s telling you didn’t ask for my advice back when you realized your new boyfriend was never going to eat your pussy. (Spoiler: I would’ve told you to dump him.) Since you chose not to break up with your boyfriend over the lack cunnilingus back then, and you don’t want to divorce your husband over it now, MND, it would seem that going without oral—or at least going without at home—is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this guy.

As for your other issues about your sex life with your husband—you don’t “feel him” during penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse, and it’s over too quickly—the right toys could certainly help. But if your husband ruled out penetration toys that were bigger than his cock, MND, or if you didn’t order any that were bigger than his cock to avoid hurting his feelings, you’re gonna have to broach the subject of buying some larger toys, MND—ones you can really feel. And since experimenting with new positions didn’t help your husband last longer, you should try alternating between toys and his cock during PIV, which will make both the sex (and the husband) last longer.

“If MND’s husband is really in this relationship, he should be open and willing to give most anything a try,” said Taormino. “MND really needs to see that he’s as interested in her pleasure and satisfaction as he is in his own. And if there’s something she wants to try or something that really turns her on and gets her off that her husband doesn’t know about, now is the time to share the juicy details.”

As for opening up the relationship, MND, I wouldn’t advise most people to initiate that convo at this moment. Because if the conversation goes badly—and they often do at first—that could mean sheltering in place with an angry person. But based on your husband’s reaction when you confessed having a crush on a co-worker, MND, I think you could risk discussing opening up while you’re locked down. Your husband didn’t say there was nothing wrong with fantasizing about a snack, MND; he said there’s nothing wrong with having a snack. Make no mistake: That’s not a green light to immediately outsource getting your pussy eaten. But his calm, matter-of-fact reaction when you confided in him about your crush is good sign.

But first things first: You need to work with your husband on improving your sex life at home, and you should have a convo about that—and a convo about ordering some new sex toys—before you make plans to open up the relationship and start getting your pussy eaten elsewhere.

“Exploring non-monogamy is one way to address sexual incompatibilities and expand our capacity for love and intimacy,” said Taormino. “But the stuff between the two of them needs to gets talked about first. Otherwise, you’re glossing over the issues with something new and shiny.”

Follow Tristan Taormino on Twitter @TristanTaormino.

I’ve been in love with a close friend for years. Social distancing has thrown major life “regrets” into high relief, and I would be crushed if something happened to him. We’ve both been distancing for two weeks, and neither of us have symptoms. Can I have him come over to hang out? What if we ended up making out or hooking up? He has housemates, and I don’t, so he’s around more people than I am, but everyone at his house has been distancing, too. I see so many questions about hooking up with randos, and that seems like a clear no-no. But what about hooking up with someone you know?

No Regrets

Also a no-no, NR. We’re not supposed to come within six feet of anyone we don’t live with, NR, which means you can’t invite this guy over to play cribbage and/or fuck you senseless. If you wanted to invite this guy over to stay, you could shack up and wait out the lockdown together. But you can’t invite him over just to play. Instead of inviting him over and hoping for something to happen, NR, you should give this guy a call and tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way and want to be your quarantine buddy. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you’ll know. Rejections we can get over, NR, but regrets are for life.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; www.savagelovecast.com.

Published in Savage Love

My question is on managing “gray area” intimacies during the pandemic. I have a lover/friend I’ve been hanging out with—fucking, drinking tea, going on hikes, eating ice cream, watching movies and other activities—for about nine months. He’s 36 and was married for 10 years, and due to that experience, he’s been a bit emotionally “boundaried,” but he’s still really sweet and a good communicator. I’m in grad school doing a double masters, so the small amount of time we’ve been spending together has worked well for me.

Here’s the issue: he’s also an ER doctor.

Do I keep seeing him during this pandemic? I just moved to the city where we both live for my grad program, and he’s my main source for connection, comfort and support here. Every time I see him, we both feel tremendously less stressed, and our connection feels emotionally healthy. I just know he is bound to be at a huge risk for exposure, and since he’s not a committed partner, and we don’t live together, I don’t know if he falls within or outside of my physical-distancing boundary.

It seems like the best thing to do from a logistical perspective is hole up with my cat and not see another soul in person until a vaccine is invented or something, but I don’t know when that will happen.

Physical Distancing Do’s And Don’ts

“This is really a matter of a personal risk/benefit calculation,” said Dr. Daniel Summers, a pediatrician who lives and works near Boston. “What PDDAD is willing to accept as a risk may be different from what someone else would.”

And there’s definitely a health benefit to getting together—we are social animals, and isolation is bad for us—but your lover is at high risk of infection. And when front-line health care providers get infected, they tend to get sicker than the average person who gets infected, according to CNN, which is something else you need to factor into your risk/benefit calculation. Additionally, does your boyfriend’s workplace—I’m going to call him your boyfriend for clarity’s sake—have the protective gear he needs to minimize his risk of exposure?

“We’re all doing our best to take as many preventive steps to lower our risk of being exposed,” said Dr. Summers, “but there’s still a maddeningly unacceptable shortage of personal protective equipment like masks, gowns and gloves nationwide. I hope he has sufficient access to these things. But is there a risk he could get exposed to the virus at work? Definitely.”

Dr. Summers lives with his husband and four children. In addition to the precautions he takes at work—where he may be seeing patients with coronavirus (he doesn’t know for sure, because tests still aren’t available)—Dr. Summers strips down to his underwear on his front porch of his home when he gets home from work. His clothes go straight into the washing machine; he goes straight into the shower.

“I’m still afraid of bringing it home,” said Dr. Summers. “But with four kids home from school, my husband’s sanity depends on my being present as much as I can. So, for me, staying away isn’t an option. That’s not the case for PDDAD. She has to decide whether the undefinable risk of exposure isn’t worth it. Or, alternatively, she can decide the connection she has with him is important enough to her own well-being that the risk is worth it. But only she can make that decision for herself.”

If you decide the risk of infection is too great—or if your boyfriend decides the risk of infecting you is too great—you can still be there for each other. You can Skype and Zoom; you can text and sext; you can leave groceries on his porch and wave to him from the sidewalk. But if you decide to keep connecting with each other in person, PDDAD, you should minimize the amount of time you spend moving through the city to get to each other’s places. And that means—emotional boundaries be damned—picking one of your apartments to hole up in together for the duration.

You can follow Dr. Summers on Twitter @WFKARS, and you can read him at Slate’s Outward.


I’m pro-sex workers, and I believe adults should do whatever they consent to, but I’m curious if that applies during the current pandemic. I know of a sex worker who’s still offering himself to clients, who are apparently still hiring him. (He regularly posts of his exploits on certain social-media sites.) Should the authorities be made aware of this?

Just Concerned

If the authorities want to start rounding up reckless idiots who are endangering others, JC, the beaches of Florida might be a good place to start. Or the Oval Office. And if your first impulse is to involve the authorities, then you aren’t “pro sex workers,” JC, because the authorities—particularly the police—are a danger to sex workers.

Instead of calling the cops, reach out to this guy on those social-media sites, and encourage him to see his clients virtually, i.e., instead of face-to-face (or face-to-whatever) meetings, he should go full cam-whore for the time being. If you want to want to help, JC, and not just police or shame, you should hire this guy to do an online session. (And everyone should bear in mind that sex workers are suffering right now, too, because most are being responsible and not seeing clients. Their incomes have plummeted to zero, and they aren’t eligible for unemployment benefits.)


I’m a queer poly woman, and I have a two-part question about sexting/Skype sex. I didn’t used to think twice about shooting off a nude or a nasty text in my 20s, and I’ve never have qualms about casual relations. But for me, there has always needed to be a baseline of friendship. After getting burned a bunch of times—especially by straight men (queers and other genders are generally way kinder)—I just wasn’t feeling it anymore.

Fast forward a few years; after doing a lot of work, I started feeling myself again. I started talking with a man I’d met through mutual friends and flirted with a little in the past. I was upfront with him and told him I would be down to get dirty again sometime, but needed to build up some form of friendship first. He enthusiastically agreed and started talking to me about this and that every other day or so. We were talking about meeting up person when the coronavirus lockdown happened—and now my libido has shot through the roof. We ended up exchanging photos and got off on FaceTime together. After that, crickets. I would send an innocuous question and get a two-word response.

I feel really disrespected and used, but at the same time, I can see how he doesn’t owe me anything. I was in a similar situation like this before, where a man told me that no matter what, he wanted our friendship to be a priority—and then ghosted me immediately after we slept together.

My questions: What can I do in the future to avoid this sort of situation? And, while we’re all in lockdown, do you have any advice on how to be hot over video when you’re generally a clumsy spaz?

Female Resents Insincere Efforts Necessitating Deceit

Unfortunately, FRIEND, there’s no surefire way to prevent people from lying to you about being friends in order to get into your pants—virtually or eventually—or to prevent them from changing their minds about being friends once they’ve gotten into your pants. (The former is more likely, but the latter does happen.) Your only options are relying on your bullshit detectors to weed out people you think might be playing you and getting better at shrugging off, blocking and forgetting the dishonest people who manage to get past your bullshit detectors.

As for tips about being hot on Zoom or FaceTime or Fox Nation or whatever: I’m afraid I can’t help you there, FRIEND, as I am the clumsiest spaz that ever spazzed. I hate having my photo taken, and if a room is dark enough for me to feel comfortable getting naked in it, it’s usually too dark for someone else to see me—whether they’re in the same room with me or sitting in front of a computer on the other side of the world. But someone who’s more at ease in front of the camera (and with whom I’m currently quarantined) tells me that slightly dimmed lighting is better than harsh lighting; leaving something on is hotter than taking it all off; and—if you want to maintain your anonymity—keeping your face and any identifying tattoos out of the shot is a good idea.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; www.savagelovecast.com.

Published in Savage Love

DEAR READERS: I live in Seattle, the first U.S. epicenter of the novel coronavirus epidemic, with my family. A lot of my readers wrote this week to wish us well. We are fine—scared, but fine—washing our hands compulsively and staying close to home.

I’m going to keep churning out the column and recording my podcast, while being careful to maintain a safe social distance from the tech-savvy, at-risk youth. I’m hoping the column and podcast are welcome distractions.

Please take care of yourselves; take care of the people around you; and wash your damn hands.

I’m wondering if you know of a word that describes the fetish of getting off from talking dirty. I’ve searched a lot, and I can’t find a label for this kink or fetish. While googling around, I did learn some new terms, like “katoptronophilia” (being aroused by having sex in front of mirrors) and “pubephilia” (being aroused by pubic hair), but I can’t seem to find one that describes my kink.

Dirty Talker

I’m old enough to remember when people who needed to feel a strong emotional connection before they wanted to fuck someone got by without a word or a pride flag of their very own. They just said, “I’m someone who needs to feel a strong emotional connection before wanting to fuck someone.” But now they can say, “I’m a demisexual,” a five-syllable, vaguely scientific-sounding term that first popped up in an online forum in 2006. Unfortunately, when someone says, “I’m a demisexual,” the usual response is, “What’s that?” And then the demisexual has to say, “I’m someone who needs to feel a strong emotional connection before wanting to fuck someone.” So leading with “I’m a demisexual” seems like a waste of time to me. But it does extend the amount of time the speaker gets to talk about him/her/themselves … and who doesn’t love talking about themselves?

Anyway, DT, you’re someone who enjoys dirty talk. There isn’t a special term (or pride flag) for you that I could find—I did a little half-hearted googling myself—and I don’t think you need one. You can get by with: “I’m someone who enjoys dirty talk.”

My wife and I have been married for a little more than two years. We both have demanding jobs, but she admits to being a workaholic and spends almost every night on the couch answering e-mails and binge-watching Bravo. I’ve resorted to getting high most nights to cover up for the fact that I’m very unhappy. Despite being overworked, she’s started a side hustle selling skin-care products to her friends, most of whom she rarely sees in person.

Bottom line: I didn’t sign up for this. I’m beyond bored and want to travel and explore. But she refuses to give up the side hustle and dial back her work or her drinking. We both earn comfortable salaries, and we don’t need the extra income.

Would I be justified in leaving because of her newfound hobby?

Basically Over Redundant Enrichment

Side hustle or no, BORE, you aren’t happy, and that’s reason enough to leave. And while you won’t (or shouldn’t) be doing much traveling anytime soon, you can find a lawyer; search for a new apartment; and initiate divorce proceedings while your wife sits on the couch answering work e-mails and pushing skin-care products to her friends. I would typically encourage someone in your shoes to risk telling the truth before walking out—you’re unhappy; you’re bored; you don’t want to live like this anymore—but it sounds like your mind is made up. So use your time at home over the next couple of weeks to make your escape plan.

I’m a young white woman, and my last boyfriend, a black man, left me two weeks ago. Ever since, I have been masturbating only while thinking about black guys.

My question is: Do I have a “thing” for black guys now? I’ve accepted that our relationship is over, but it was really intense. I feel disgusting after I masturbate, because it feels gross and not respectful toward my ex somehow. What do you think?

Desperately Horny For Black Men

Masturbate about whatever the fuck turns you on, DHFBM, and if you’re worried someone would find your masturbatory fantasies disrespectful … don’t tell that person about your masturbatory fantasies.

I suppose it’s possible you have a “thing” for black guys now. (What’s that thing they say? Actually, let’s not say it.) Unless you are treating black guys as objects and not people, or you fetishize blackness in a way that makes black sex partners feel degraded (in unsexy, nonconsensual ways) or used (in ways they don’t wish to be used), don’t waste your time worrying about your fantasies. Worry about your actions.

I’m a 35-year-old woman in a long-term cohabitating relationship with a man. We opened our relationship about six months ago, and it’s going very well; we both have FWBs.

My primary partner and I are going to be getting engaged soon, and I’m wondering what my responsibility is to my FWB of five months. Do I make a special effort to tell him about the engagement—on the phone or in person, like I plan to tell family members and close friends? Or is it OK if he finds out via social media like other people I’ve known for only five months or less would? My getting engaged (or married) won’t prevent me from remaining his FWB.

Wanna Be Ethical

Golden rule this shit, WBE: If your FWB got engaged, would you want to find out via social media, or would you want him to tell you personally? I’m guessing you’d rather hear it from him.

You’ve known your FWB for only five months, it’s true, and other five-months-or-less friends don’t rate hearing it from you personally. But you aren’t fucking your other five-months-or-less friends. A little more consideration for your feelings is—or should be—one of the benefits.

I used to live in a college town. I’m a guy, and while there, I hooked up with a gorgeous guy. He had an amazing smile, a nice body, and the most perfect natural dick I’ve ever seen. (Can we please stop saying “uncut”? It’s so disgustingly plastic surgery-ish.) We hooked up a couple of times, and he was so much fun.

A couple of years later, in another town, he showed up out of the blue at my new job. It was awkward at first, but it got better over the couple of years we worked together. I always wanted to just sneak him into the bathroom and give him another blowjob.

He still lives in the same town, and I want to message him to see if he’s up for some more fun. We haven’t spoken in years—and last I heard, he was still not out. I want to message him, but I’m wondering whether there’s a time limit to reconnecting with someone. Fuck, man, he was so hot, and his natural, big, veiny dick was maybe the most perfect cock I’ve ever seen.

Big Ol’ Dick

Seeing as you haven’t spoken to this man in years, BOD, I’m going to assume you no longer work together. And seeing as you hooked up more than once back in that college town, I’m going to assume he liked your blowjobs. And seeing as there’s a worldwide pandemic on, and seeing as life is short, and seeing as dick is delicious, I’m going to give you the OK to send this guy a message.

Social media has made it possible for people to reach out to first loves, exes and old hookups. And so long as the reacher outer is respectful, has reason to believe their message won’t tear open old wounds, and instantly takes “no” for an answer (and no response means “no”), there’s nothing wrong with reaching out. And while social-distancing protocols will prevent you from sucking that gorgeous natural dick anytime soon, BOD, who doesn’t need something to look forward to right now?

On the Lovecast, love drugs! How therapeutic are they? Listen at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a cis bi woman, and I mainly have sex with people with penises. I have a really gross problem—sorry. It’s been an issue for as long as I’ve been sexually active—but in the past few years, it seems to have gotten worse.

If I am being penetrated vaginally, especially if it’s vigorous (which I prefer), and I orgasm, sometimes I poop accidentally. If I try to clench up to keep this from happening, it doesn’t work, and I can’t orgasm. This used to happen once in a blue moon, only with particularly intense orgasms, but now it happens more frequently. One person I’ve been seeing really likes anal, and that makes the problem even worse.

To be clear: I have no desire for poop in my sex life. It’s gross; it’s embarrassing; and my partners do not enjoy it. Nor do I. I’ve tried going to the bathroom before sex, but I can never seem to fully empty out. I even went to a doctor to talk about it, but all I got was a big shrug and no useful suggestions. I’ve looked online and found discussions of this happening to other people and them being understandably horrified, but nobody mentions it being a regular occurrence.

This really sucks! Do you have any suggestions—other than “give up sex completely,” which I would prefer not to do?

Necessary Objective: Soothe Her Intestinal Tract

“I’ve absolutely heard of this before, and as NOSHIT already knows from internet searches, she’s not alone and needs help,” said Dr. Debby Herbenick. “And a ‘big shrug’ doesn’t sound like a helpful response from a physician who you’re asking for help in figuring out a complicated and extremely under-researched and therefore tricky sexual issue.”

Dr. Herbenick is a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction and numerous other books. What you’re going to need, according to Dr. Herbenick, is a doctor who’s actually prepared to help you. So that awkward conversation you had with your last doctor? A conversation you no doubt dreaded having? You’re going to need to have that conversation again, NOSHIT, maybe more than once, with other doctors. I know, I know: Talking with your doctor about a sexual issue—particularly a messy one—is difficult. And when we finally work up the nerve to speak with a doctor about something like this, and that doctor isn’t helpful, our understandable desire to avoid having that conversation ever again can lead us to conclude that talking to doctors is a waste of time. But it isn’t, so long as you’re talking to the right doctor.

“The letter writer should ask her health-care provider for a referral to an urogynecologist,” said Dr. Herbenick, “especially one who likes to get to the bottom (no pun intended) of challenging cases.”

If this happens to you at other times—if you poop yourself when you fart or sneeze—be sure to share that information with the specialist.

“There are lots of tests that health-care providers can use to examine her rectal function,” said Dr. Herbenick. “These tests can include a digital rectal exam, a sigmoidoscopy (insertion of a tiny tube with a camera to look for issues such as inflammation), an X-ray, an anal ultrasound, a colonoscopy or other tests. In other words, there are things other than a big and completely useless shrug that can be done. And depending on what they find, they may suggest biofeedback, surgery, physical therapy/pelvic-floor exercises, supplements and so on.”

But with all that said, NOSHIT, doctors aren’t all-powerful, and some problems can only be managed and not solved.

“The fact is, our bodies don’t last forever in the ways we want them to,” said Dr. Herbenick. “And some research does point toward more frequent anal intercourse being associated with fecal incontinence.” (Aging, childbirth and hormone-replacement therapy are very strongly associated with fecal incontinence.) Only a small percentage of women who regularly engaged in anal intercourse reported higher levels of fecal incontinence, NOSHIT, so if this isn’t a problem for you generally—if this is only a problem during sex due to some tragically star-crossed neural wiring—you might want to steal a move from the squeaky-clean gay bottoms out there: Instead of just “going to the bathroom” before sex and hoping you’re empty, treat yourself to an anal douche to make sure you’re empty. (Alexander Cheves wrote a great guide for receptive anal intercourse, “17 Tips for Happier, Healthier Bottoming,” for the Advocate. Google it.)

“But finding a health-care provider who’s willing to listen to what’s important to her in her sex life is the first step,” said Dr. Herbenick. “A sex-positive health-care provider—probably a urogynecologist or a proctologist—who’s willing to hear her out can help her figure out some good ways forward. It’s about listening to what quality of life means to her. That seems to include an active, pleasurable sex life involving vaginal and/or anal sex with orgasm, and without pooping, or at least not nearly so often.”

Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick.


I’m a 32-year-old woman married to a 45-year-old man. We’ve been together for 10 years. At the beginning of our relationship, I told him smoking was a deal-breaker for me, because he was a former smoker. Well, the asshole started smoking again this year. I’m pissed about this, and it has affected my desire for him. This is complicated further by the fact that for most of our relationship, we’ve had very mismatched libidos, with mine being much higher. He has always said that I could get my needs met elsewhere, as sex just wasn’t that important to him. Well, last year, I started exploring extramarital relationships, and now I have a boyfriend that I’m eager to fuck. Can you guess who is now interested in fucking me? My husband, Mr. Sex Isn’t Important. Turns out, he’s very into fucking me after I’ve fucked another dude. But I only want so much sex, and I don’t want to fuck a smoker. I feel obligated to have sex with my husband, though. My question is, am I? He didn’t feel obligated to have sex with me more than once a month for nine years, which made me feel shitty and undesirable. (Also, we have kids. Hence the marriage and why I’m not going to leave.)

Seriously Hate Ash Mouth

You aren’t obligated to have sex with your husband—you aren’t obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. But I assume you don’t want to be left any more than you want to leave, SHAM. And if you refuse to fuck your husband because he broke the deal you made a decade ago—and because you’re pissed about nine years of sexual neglect (legit grounds)—he might decide to leave you. So while you don’t have to fuck this ash-hole, you might want to fuck this ash-hole. But until he quits smoking, you could reasonably refuse to kiss him or sleep in the same room with him. (Smokers don’t realize how bad it smells—how bad they smell—and just how thoroughly they can stink up a room, even one they never light up in.)

One follow-up question: Did your husband always know this about himself—did he know he was turned on by the thought of you being with other dudes—or did he realize it only after you started fucking this other dude? If he knew it all along, and his encouragement to get your “needs met elsewhere” was a dishonest and manipulative attempt to force his kink on you, SHAM, you have even more right to be pissed. But if he realized this turned him on only after you started fucking other dudes—if he was as surprised as you were both surprised and annoyed by it—you might want to forgive him.

On the Lovecast, let’s think about same-sex animal behavior: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love