CVIndependent

Fri09252020

Last updateMon, 24 Aug 2020 12pm

Married guy here. I’m 33; the wife is 31. Our fifth anniversary is next month, but we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’ve recently both come out to each other as bi. She tried to tell me a long time ago, whereas I came to the realization only recently. We’re both interested in new sexual encounters, and this weekend, we met up with a male escort. It was my first sexual experience with a man, and the first sexual encounter between my wife and another man in eight years … and we found it lacking. It was too short and too impersonal.

Is this how it usually goes with escorts? Should we have been more upfront with our interests ahead of time? We don’t want to keep spending the money if we’re not getting the experience we want. We need to stay fairly discreet for most of these encounters due to our careers. Appreciate any input.

Oh, and a shoutout to my amazing wife for going from learning I’m bi to fucking another dude with me three months later!

Basking In Confusion Over Underwhelming, Pitifully Lackluster Experience

Some sex workers love their jobs; some don’t. Some sex workers are good at their jobs; some aren’t. Sometimes a sex worker doesn’t click with a particular client for some ephemeral, hard-to-define reason; sometimes a client gives off a bad vibe—or a bad odor—and the sex worker bails or hurries things along, not because they’re a shitty sex worker, BICOUPLE, but because their client is shitty or smells shitty.

But here’s the thing, BICOUPLE: No sex worker can read minds. You tell me you’re wondering if you should’ve been “more upfront with (your) interests ahead of time.” If you left something important out when you made the booking, well, that could’ve been the problem. No sex worker likes having things sprung on them. A sex worker who doesn’t do kink is going to feel very uncomfortable if there’s a bunch of bondage gear laid out when they arrive; even a sex worker who does kink is going to feel uncomfortable if kink wasn’t discussed in advance. Similarly, BICOUPLE, if you didn’t explain to your sex worker that there were two of you, your sex worker might’ve felt uncomfortable when they arrived.

If you weren’t clear about your wants, and your sex worker didn’t ask or you couldn’t articulate them after he asked, you put your sex worker in the position of having to guess. And your sex worker may have guessed wrong; some clients prefer sex that’s athletic, impersonal or aggressive. And if your sex worker had a bad experience with a husband who got upset when his wife seemed a little too into him, he may have erred on the side of maintaining some emotional distance even as you got physically close.

If what you wanted—if what you were most interested in—was a more intimate and connected experience, then you weren’t just expecting sexual labor from the sex worker you hired, BICOUPLE, but his emotional labor, too. While affection and intimacy can certainly be faked, we don’t typically expect a strong emotional connection when we’re hooking up with a stranger. Being sexually intimate can build that connection, BICOUPLE, but it can take time and a few meetings to get there.

To avoid winding up in bed with another sex worker you don’t click with, I would advise you to take the time—and spend the money—to make a real connection. By which I mean: Go on a date. Find a sex worker you’re interested in, and make a date—for dinner. Pay them for their time; pay for their meal; and if you click, BICOUPLE, if you feel like you could connect, book them for a sex date.


Straight male here, divorced four years ago, just entering my 50s. I recently expanded my dating-app parameters to see everyone in my area. I wanted to check out the competition and possibly give myself a little ego boost. I have a gay male friend who is in his 40s. Mr. Forties has a boyfriend of two years who is in his 20s. They are great together—they vacation together; they quarantined together; Mr. Twenties and Mr. Forties worked on redecorating a home together, etc.

The problem is I spotted Mr. Forties on several dating apps. It would have been perfectly acceptable for him to say “none of your business” when I asked him why. Instead, he told me they were old profiles, implying they pre-dated Mr. Twenties. He lists pets on his profiles that he adopted a few months ago. I have a sore spot about this behavior, because my ex-wife started “auditioning” my replacement before we filed divorce papers. I really don’t like being lied to.

What do I do? Confront Mr. Forties? Mind my own business and hope Mr. Forties doesn’t crush Mr. Twenties by cheating? Help!

Fumbled Into Fraught Terrain Involving Expanded Search

Maybe Mr. Forties and Mr. Twenties have an open relationship. Maybe they have a closed relationship but both regard flirting on dating apps as harmless. Maybe Mr. Forties was charged with finding a very special guest star for a threesome. Or maybe Mr. Forties has profiles on dating apps for the exact same reason you expanded the parameters on your profiles, FIFTIES: for the ego boost.

If it was any of the above—if there was an innocent explanation—why did Mr. Forties go with, “Those were old profiles,” instead of, “We sometimes have threesomes”? Well, in my experience, FIFTIES, some straight people have a hard time wrapping their heads around the kind of non-monogamy practiced by most gay male couples. Hell, some closed-minded gay people have a hard time with it. I can imagine a scenario where Mr. Forties was honest with people in the past and got a bad reaction, and consequently no longer feels safe—much less obligated—to share the details of his sex life with straight or gay friends. So he gave you the answer a lot of straight people and some gay people prefer to hear when they ask pointed questions of partnered friends they assumed to be monogamous: “Of course I’m not sleeping around! Those were old profiles! My monogamous boyfriend would never want me to shove my monogamous dick down his throat while some other dude non-monogamously rearranges his guts! Heavens! We’re far too busy redecorating our lovely home to arrange threesomes! Which we’re totally not interested in having!”

Look, FIFTIES, you put a question to Mr. Forties that he wasn’t obligated to answer at all, much less answer truthfully. So what do you do now? What you should’ve done when you first stumbled over Mr. Forties’ dating profiles: You do nothing. You drop it. The issue you shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place? You don’t bring it up again. Even if Mr. Forties is auditioning replacements for Mr. Twenties—even if he lied to you for a selfish, self-serving reason—it’s still none of your business.


My boyfriend and I first heard the terms “sexual monogamy” and “social monogamy” on your podcast. They describe us: not sexually monogamous, but we present that way socially, and most people in our lives assume we are. Including my mother. We’re both from very Republican families that struggled to accept us. My attitude is that if my brothers don’t have to tell our parents about their kinks, I don’t have to tell them about my threesomes. (Both of my older brothers have confided in me about their kinks, and I wish they hadn’t.) But it got back to me via my sister that my Trump-worshipping, Obama-despising mother only accepts me and my boyfriend because we are “good” gays. Good because we’re monogamous, like good straight people, and not promiscuous, like bad gay people.

Now I feel like I should say something. But what?

They Really Underestimate My Proclivities

“Good people can be ‘promiscuous,’ Mom, and awful people can be monogamous. Take Donald Trump. That asshole has been married three times and cheated on every one of his wives. Barack Obama, whom you despise, has been married once and has never been caught cheating. Which means Obama either doesn’t cheat, or like everything else he’s ever done—from being someone’s husband to being our president—he’s better at it than Donald Trump.”

On the Savage Lovecast, learn a thing or two from power sub Lina Dune: www.savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 38-year-old bi woman who has been sleeping with a married male co-worker for the last eight months. We’re a walking cliché: I’m a nurse; he’s a doctor; and one night, he ended up spilling a lot of personal information about his marriage to me (sexless; non-romantic; she might be a lesbian) before asking if he could kiss me. I declined.

Three months and many text messages later, I met him for drinks. The next thing I know, we are falling in love and spending as much time together as we can manage. Even though he is married and has kids, this has been one of the best relationships of my adult life. He loves me in ways I never thought possible. (He even savors my COVID-19 curves.) The obvious problem here is that he is married, and his wife allegedly doesn’t know about his unhappiness in their marriage. We have to arrange our dates around his work schedule and his lies to his wife. I find myself becoming increasingly jealous of the time he spends with his wife and his inability to spend more time with me. I want him to confront the issues in his marriage, and I want him to at least attempt being honest with her so we can figure out if it’s even possible for us to move forward.

My question is this: How do I have this conversation with him without it seeming like an ultimatum? I adore him, and I don’t think he’s lying to me about his marriage. But I long to have more freedom in our relationship. I love that I finally found someone who treats me so well when we are together, but my heart is breaking, because our love exists in the shadows. It’s a win/win for him—he gets his marriage, his kids, his “real life,” and me, too. But I can’t even text or call him freely, and I certainly couldn’t rely on him in an emergency.

I want this to work. I don’t necessarily want him to get divorced, Dan, as I fear it would cause him to resent me, but that would honestly be my preference. What should I do? 

Outside The Home Exists Romance

What are you willing to settle for, OTHER?

If you can’t live without Dr. Married, and you can only have him on his terms—terms he set at the start, terms designed to keep his wife in the dark—then you’ll have to accept his terms. You can only see Dr. Married during office hours; you can’t call or text him; and you’re on your own if you have an emergency outside office hours. But agreeing to his terms at the outset doesn’t obligate you to stick to his terms forever. Terms can be renegotiated. But unless you’re willing to issue an ultimatum, OTHER, Dr. Married has no incentive to renegotiate the terms of your relationship.

Zooming out for a second: I get letters all the time from women who ask me how issue to an ultimatum without seeming like they’re issuing an ultimatum. I don’t get many letters from men like that, for good and not-so-good reasons: Men are socialized to feel entitled to what they want; men are praised when they ask for what they want; and consequently, men are likelier to get what they want.

To get what you want, OTHER, you’re gonna have to man up: Feel entitled; act entitled; make demands. And you’ve gotta be willing to walk. You have to go in fully prepared to use the leverage you actually have here—your presence in Dr. Married’s life—or nothing will change. His circumstances have required you to live in the shadows if you wanted to see him, and maybe that worked for you once. But it doesn’t work for you anymore, and Dr. Married needs to understand that if his circumstances don’t change—if he doesn’t change them—then he’s going to lose you.

There’s a middle ground between divorce—your preferred circumstance—and things staying exactly as they are. Dr. Married’s wife is surely aware that her marriage is sexless and non-romantic—assuming he’s told you the truth—and if his wife’s actually a lesbian, well, perhaps she’d like the freedom to date other women, too. (Or date them openly, I should say; for all we know, she’s been getting some pussy on the side herself.) If they want to stay together for the kids—if they have a constructive, functional, low-conflict loving partnership—and it would be possible to daylight you without anyone having to get divorced, maybe you could settle for those terms.


I’m a bi man in a straight marriage. We have two young children. My wife and I have been working through some relationship issues. Because of these, she has not been open to sex with me, and for 18 months, our marriage has been essentially sexless. I’m not happy with this, but we are working on things.

Since we stopped having sex, I have been using my wife’s used panties to masturbate. I work from home and do a lot of the household work, including laundry. Every couple of weeks, I will take a couple of her panties from the laundry. I rub myself with one pair and sniff the other one. I enjoy the way the fabric feels and am turned on by knowing that they’ve been rubbing up against her pussy. It makes me feel very close to her. I finish by ejaculating into her panties, and then I rinse them out and wash them. I’m very careful not to stain or damage them. This is something I do to feel more connected with her sexually. I don’t get hard thinking that she’s wearing panties I came in; I get hard thinking about coming in panties she’s worn. But I worry that I’m violating her—which is not something I want to do. I know that if I were doing this with a stranger’s panties, or with the panties of someone I knew but was not in an intimate relationship with, it would be, at best, creepy, and, at worst, a sex crime. But she’s my wife, and although we are in a hard place right now, we’re trying to find our way back to each other.

So, is this an acceptable way for me to get off while we work on our relationship? Or is it a violation?

Wonders About Nuzzling Knickers

I’m torn, WANK.

If you and the wife were fucking, WANK, she might enjoy knowing that, however many years and two kids later, you’re still so crazy about her that you’re down in the laundry room perving on her dirty panties. But you aren’t fucking, and things are strained for reasons you didn’t share. So you need to ask yourself whether this perving, if your wife were to find out about it, would set you two back. If you think it would—if, say, your wife isn’t fucking you because she feels like you don’t respect her opinions, her boundaries, her autonomy, etc.—then the risk (further damaging your marriage) has to outweigh the rewards (momentarily draining your sack.)

That said, WANK, if perving on your wife’s panties—without damaging or staining them—is helping you remain faithful during this sexless period of your marriage … and sustaining your attraction to your wife though this difficult time … well, an argument/rationalization could be made that your wife benefits from this perving. And these aren’t stolen panties—these aren’t a stranger’s panties or a roommate’s panties—these are panties your wife hands over to you for laundering. That you derive a moment’s pleasure from them on their way from laundry basket to washing machine could be self-servingly filed, I guess, under “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

But if you feel like your wife would regard this as a violation—and I’m guessing you feel that way, WANK, since you’re asking me about it and not her—then you might wanna knock it off.


Quick question: Why get married? I’m a 29-year-old lesbian who got married to a woman at 26 and divorced at 28. We had a pretty low-key wedding, but we still stated to all of our friends and family that we were in it for the long haul; people wished us well, bought us gifts, gave us money. When I realized it was a huge mistake (we rushed into it; we ignored huge incompatibilities), I felt terrible for all the usual reasons involved a breakup, Dan, but I also felt like we were letting down our friends and family, and all gays everywhere. I’m jaded right now, I realize, but seriously: WHY DO THIS? Why get married? Why do this thing that adds so much stress and pressure to leaving a relationship that might have run its course, as MOST relationships eventually do?

Marriage-Averse Dyke

Quick answer, MAD: People get married for love—ideally, at least these days, and it was not always thus. (Suggested reading: Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, by Stephanie Coontz.) But sometimes, I think people marry for the same reasons you think no one should, MAD: The stress of ending a marriage—the pressure to stay in a marriage—often prompts a couple to work through a rough patch. Of course, that pressure can keep two people together who really shouldn’t be together anymore—or never should’ve been together, MAD, like you and your ex-wife—but sometimes two people stick it out to avoid the embarrassment, expense and drama of divorce, and eventually get to a place where they’re genuinely happy to still be together.

Maybe a wedding isn’t a promise that two people will stay together forever, MAD, but rather a promise that two people will have to think long and hard before parting.

On the Lovecast, it’s Millennial vs Boomer with Jill Filipovic; www.savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

My husband and I got married in August 2019, and we were together for more than five years before getting married. I’m very happy and love him with all my heart. I want to have his kids and support his entrepreneurial efforts as he supports mine. We don’t fight; we just have some tiffs here and there. The kicker is that I have a tough time feeling him during sex, and he doesn’t last as long as I would like him to.

We’re adventurous enough to try different things, i.e. toys and different positions, but I find myself sexually unfulfilled. He also isn’t very willing/interested in going down on me; in fact, he has not once gone down on me. I’m also finding myself attracted to and fantasizing about other men. In addition to being honest with my husband, I don’t know what the solution is. I’m not opposed opening up a marriage, but I worry that I’m just being selfish and that it’s too soon to try or even discuss it at any length. I did bring up a crush I have on a co-worker, and my husband said, “There’s nothing wrong with having a snack.” What did he mean by that? Do you have any other insights or suggestions on what to do?

I hope you, your family and your friends are holding up OK during this pandemic. It’s a scary time, so I hope you’re all OK.

Married Not Dead

I shared your letter with Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Through her books, lectures and podcasts (“Sex Out Loud Radio”), Taormino has helped countless couples navigate the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. But before we dive into the specifics of your situation, MND, there’s something Taormino and I want to make clear to all.

“In this time of a global pandemic, thinking and talking about non-monogamy is all you can do right now,” said Taormino. “This goes for everyone: No new sex partners until public health experts say we can go back to standing closer than six feet apart. Even then, we’re going to have to proceed with caution.”

Listen up, people: the woman who literally wrote the book on open relationships says open and poly relationships are cancelled for the time being. “Yup, cancelled,” said Taormino, “unless every one of your partners lives with you.”

While COVID-19 isn’t classified as a sexually transmitted infection (STI), having sex with someone who has coronavirus would almost certainly result in transmission. And since people who get infected typically don’t show symptoms for up to two weeks, the fact that someone appears to be healthy doesn’t mean they are corona-free. Someone can look and feel great and be both infected and infectious. So for the time being, we should only be having sex with a sex partner we live with. If you have more than one sex partner, and you’re all staying in the same place, great! Poly isn’t cancelled for you and your partners. But we shouldn’t be hooking up with new partners in person or going to see established partners we don’t live with. That goes double for meeting up with non-cohabitating partners who have other partners and whose other partners have other partners of their own. But the good news is that sext messages and dirty video chats are both allowed and encouraged, kids, so we can get off online with new people, as well as established partners who live on the other side of town or the other side of the world. Hell, get the whole polycule together on Zoom—just don’t actually get together (or get under) anyone you don’t live with.

OK! With that out of the way, MND, we’re going to answer your question. But bear in mind that some of our advice—our advice about opening up your marriage—won’t be fully actionable until after COVID-19 is brought under control.

“I’m glad MND is being honest with her husband about her desires, but let’s take that further with even more specific talk about what’s missing in her sex life,” said Taormino. “In her letter, I heard: pussy-eating, intense-enough sensation from intercourse, and longer sex sessions. I’ll translate that: She’s missing pleasure, reciprocation and orgasms for her. She is NOT being selfish for wanting these things. They are pretty fundamental aspects of a sexual relationship, and she needs to address them with her husband first.”

Backing way the hell up: Assuming you knew about my column five years ago, MND, it’s telling you didn’t ask for my advice back when you realized your new boyfriend was never going to eat your pussy. (Spoiler: I would’ve told you to dump him.) Since you chose not to break up with your boyfriend over the lack cunnilingus back then, and you don’t want to divorce your husband over it now, MND, it would seem that going without oral—or at least going without at home—is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this guy.

As for your other issues about your sex life with your husband—you don’t “feel him” during penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse, and it’s over too quickly—the right toys could certainly help. But if your husband ruled out penetration toys that were bigger than his cock, MND, or if you didn’t order any that were bigger than his cock to avoid hurting his feelings, you’re gonna have to broach the subject of buying some larger toys, MND—ones you can really feel. And since experimenting with new positions didn’t help your husband last longer, you should try alternating between toys and his cock during PIV, which will make both the sex (and the husband) last longer.

“If MND’s husband is really in this relationship, he should be open and willing to give most anything a try,” said Taormino. “MND really needs to see that he’s as interested in her pleasure and satisfaction as he is in his own. And if there’s something she wants to try or something that really turns her on and gets her off that her husband doesn’t know about, now is the time to share the juicy details.”

As for opening up the relationship, MND, I wouldn’t advise most people to initiate that convo at this moment. Because if the conversation goes badly—and they often do at first—that could mean sheltering in place with an angry person. But based on your husband’s reaction when you confessed having a crush on a co-worker, MND, I think you could risk discussing opening up while you’re locked down. Your husband didn’t say there was nothing wrong with fantasizing about a snack, MND; he said there’s nothing wrong with having a snack. Make no mistake: That’s not a green light to immediately outsource getting your pussy eaten. But his calm, matter-of-fact reaction when you confided in him about your crush is good sign.

But first things first: You need to work with your husband on improving your sex life at home, and you should have a convo about that—and a convo about ordering some new sex toys—before you make plans to open up the relationship and start getting your pussy eaten elsewhere.

“Exploring non-monogamy is one way to address sexual incompatibilities and expand our capacity for love and intimacy,” said Taormino. “But the stuff between the two of them needs to gets talked about first. Otherwise, you’re glossing over the issues with something new and shiny.”

Follow Tristan Taormino on Twitter @TristanTaormino.

I’ve been in love with a close friend for years. Social distancing has thrown major life “regrets” into high relief, and I would be crushed if something happened to him. We’ve both been distancing for two weeks, and neither of us have symptoms. Can I have him come over to hang out? What if we ended up making out or hooking up? He has housemates, and I don’t, so he’s around more people than I am, but everyone at his house has been distancing, too. I see so many questions about hooking up with randos, and that seems like a clear no-no. But what about hooking up with someone you know?

No Regrets

Also a no-no, NR. We’re not supposed to come within six feet of anyone we don’t live with, NR, which means you can’t invite this guy over to play cribbage and/or fuck you senseless. If you wanted to invite this guy over to stay, you could shack up and wait out the lockdown together. But you can’t invite him over just to play. Instead of inviting him over and hoping for something to happen, NR, you should give this guy a call and tell him how you feel. He might feel the same way and want to be your quarantine buddy. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you’ll know. Rejections we can get over, NR, but regrets are for life.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; www.savagelovecast.com.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 33-year-old woman in a relationship with a 43-year-old man. My boyfriend’s fantasy is to have a threesome with another man. He enjoys watching me have sex with other men and then intermittently fucking me—but he mostly likes to watch me get fucked. For a long time, my boyfriend would send nudes or videos of him fucking me to men we met on dating apps. We would talk dirty about it during sex. Recently, we met up with a man for the first time. I don’t think it went well.

My boyfriend and I have had conversations about my fear of contracting an STI. So before the threesome started, I explained to my boyfriend and the other guy that condoms were required. They both agreed. This guy was really nervous, and when he put a condom on, he went flaccid. He would try to fuck me with his flaccid, condom-covered penis, but it just didn’t work. He would take the condom off, jerk off, get semi-hard, put a condom back on, and go completely soft again. Even when I sucked the guy’s dick: nothing. (He actually told me to stop trying!) So my boyfriend, who was observing and jerking off, suggested we forget the condoms in the hopes this guy could stay hard. I said no and restated my boundary. The guy still couldn’t get it up, hopped out of bed and started getting dressed. My boyfriend offered to let the guy cream-pie me if he would stay. I said fuck no, and the guy left. He didn’t even say bye.

I don’t know why the guy couldn’t get hard. But I certainly don’t think my boundary should be compromised because a stranger can’t get it up.

My boyfriend keeps suggesting we meet up with this guy again so he can “get closure.” He really wants to watch this guy at least come on me. My boyfriend and this guy have since texted about him fucking me again. I’m all for being GGG, but ... what the fuck? I thought this guy was kind of an asshole. My boyfriend was definitely an asshole.

My questions are: If I’m uncomfortable during a threesome, how do I politely call it off? I don’t want to embarrass anyone, but this went on for two hours, and the guy never got it up. How do I terminate a threesome without sounding like a bitch?

Threesome Obviously Dried Up My Pussy

To politely call off a threesome, TODUMP, all you gotta say is, “Hey, this isn’t working for me—let’s take a rain check.” Say it while pulling up your pants and use your “final answer” voice.

The “rain check” thing doesn’t have to be sincere. It can be, of course, if you’re interested in trying again sometime, but it doesn’t have to be. The “rain check” thing is mostly a nice, polite, face-saving, ego-sparing way to ease someone out of your pants/bed/playroom/apartment/whatever. And if anyone starts arguing with you—if your third or your primary partner starts arguing with you—don’t worry about being polite, TODUMP. Go ahead and be a bitch: “This is over; you/they need to go; rain check rescinded, asshole/assholes.”

While we’re on the subject of terminating things with assholes, TODUMP, you need dump your incredibly shitty fucking boyfriend immediately—and there’s no need to be polite about it. Fuck him. Your boyfriend tried to coerce you into having sex without condoms when he knew you didn’t want to; you consented to having a threesome on the condition that condoms be used. Attempting to reopen negotiations about your stated boundaries once the threesome was underway was a violation of your consent. And your boyfriend knew you wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone and maliciously attempted to weaponize your consideration for other people’s feelings against you! Can’t you see that? He was hoping you wouldn’t embarrass him by refusing to have sex without condoms after he “offered” to let this guy cream-pie you (come inside you) to get him to stay! He was hoping you’d rather risk an STI than risk embarrassing or contradicting him! And on top of that, he spoke to this guy like it was up to him—up to them—what happened next, like you were a Fleshlight or tube sock or something!

Now your asshole boyfriend is pressuring you to get back together with a guy who couldn’t get it up with a condom on when he knows you don’t want to have sex without condoms? A guy who couldn’t be bothered to say goodbye after you sucked his fucking dick? And your boyfriend is claiming you owe him (or them) closure?

WTF?

This relationship should have been over the moment your boyfriend made it clear some stranger’s dick was more important to him than your health, safety and boundaries. In that moment—that moment he attempted to barter away your boundaries—he proved he can’t be trusted, and that you aren’t safe with him, TODUMP, alone or with a third.

DTMFA.

This is every woman’s nightmare scenario when it comes to cuckolding or hotwifing—that her boyfriend or husband will pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do during a sexual encounter with another man. Guys like your boyfriend not only don’t deserve to have GGG girlfriends or their fantasies fulfilled; they ruin things for other wannabe cucks, stags and hot husbands. He not only deserves to be alone forever, TODUMP; he deserves to be kicked in the balls forever.


One of my closest friends kissed me while very drunk and then told his female partner; now he’s not allowed to see me anymore, even in group settings. (I am also female.) I understand that cutting off contact is the universally recommended first step after someone cheats, but considering how close we are as friends, it is heartbreaking to think I might lose him over this one incident.

We are former co-workers, and we’ve been close friends and regular drinking buddies for 12 years. Nothing has EVER happened between us before this one very drunk night. We ended up making out on the sidewalk outside of a bar and exchanged a few semi-dirty text messages later that night, which—unfortunately for all of us—his partner saw. He thinks we just need to be patient, and one day, we’ll be able to pick up our friendship where we left off. While I know he needs to prioritize his partner now, I’m scared that we actually won’t be able to stay friends after this.

Do I just swallow my sadness about the likelihood of losing a best friend over a relatively minor infidelity? Or is there anything I can do to help the situation? FWIW: I’m in a happy open marriage and have never once tried to initiate anything with him. I’ve never been attracted to him before and wouldn’t want anything to happen between us again, anyway—even if the kiss was hot. Complicating matters, my friend wanted to re-raise the possibility of opening up his relationship with his partner, which he insists has nothing to do with me. (My friend is male, and his partner and I are both female.)

Friend With No Benefits

Hmm … I have a hunch you were something of a sore subject before this incident, FWNB, however isolated. If the text messages your friend’s partner saw confirmed fears she’d already been told were irrational, your exile is likely to last as long as their relationship does.

But take heart: If your friend decides to reopen discussions about opening up their relationship in the wake of this incident, your friend will likely be single again soon. If they do manage to stay together, FWNB, the only way to get back into her good graces—and back in your friend’s life—is to gracefully accept your exile. (Going to her and saying, “It only happened because we were so drunk!” isn’t quite the slam-dunk you think it is, seeing as you and her boyfriend are drinking buddies.) It’s a paradox, I realize, but if she sees that her boyfriend is willing to cut off all contact with you to set her mind at ease, FWNB, she may be willing to give your friendship her blessing down the road.

On the Lovecast—Raising children in a happy, poly home: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter.

Published in Savage Love

We brought Savage Love Live to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago, the Barrymore Theatre in Madison, and the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis, over three nights. As is always the case, the crowds had more questions than I could possibly answer. So in this week’s column, I’m going to tear through some of the questions I wasn’t able to get to.

How do you feel about relationships that have a time frame or defined end point? For example, one person is going away for school or a new job?

I’m fine with relationships with seemingly set end points, as relationships don’t have to be open to being long-term or become long-term in order to be a success. (Did you meet a nice person? Did you have some good sex? Did you part on good terms? Success!) And the world is filled with couples that met at a time in their lives when school or work commitments meant they couldn’t be together—and yet, years or even decades later, they’re still together. You never know.

If you use food for vaginal play, is there any type you should definitely avoid?

Lasagna makes for a lousy insertion toy. (Food doesn’t belong in vaginas; there could be bacteria on the food, even after washing, that results in a nasty infection. #FuckFirst #EatAfter)

Is it OK that I always seem to hate my partners’ mothers? Is this normal?

It isn’t, and it’s not. When you’re the common denominator in a lot of high-stress, high-conflict relationships, you’re most likely the problem.

Why do straight guys like anal so much?

Superhero movies, bottled beer, watching sports—there are lots of things straight guys like that I just don’t get. But I get why they like anal: Done right, anal feels amazing. And not just for the person doing the penetrating. When it’s done right, it is also great for the person being penetrated. And sometimes the person being penetrated is a straight guy.

After a year of dating, my boyfriend told me he is polyamorous. I don’t know how to proceed. Any tips?

If he meant, “Polyamory is my sexual orientation, and you have to allow me to date other people, and you can’t break up with me over this because that would amount to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation,” that’s bullshit, and this relationship is over. But if he meant, “Polyamory is a better relationship model for me than monogamy,” that’s not bullshit, and the conversation is just getting started. If you prefer monogamy, but you’re willing to consider polyamory to be with him, i.e., if that’s a price of admission you’re willing to pay, it could work out. But if you aren’t open to polyamory, and monogamy isn’t a price he’s willing to pay to be with you, it won’t work out.

I work in secondary education, and I’m in an open marriage. My job is awesome, but I’m so afraid of a student or a parent seeing me when I’m out with a different partner. What should I do?

You could continue to make out in public with your other partners—or whatever it is you’re doing in public that makes it clear you’re fucking/dating someone who isn’t your spouse—or you could be discreet. Since antidiscrimination statutes don’t offer protections to people in open relationships, and since people regularly freak out about teachers having sex at all, you really have no other choices besides discretion (when out with others) or shouldering the risk (of losing your job).

My poly friend has started bringing her flavor-of-the-week partners to social events instead of her awesome wife. How do I tell her I’d rather hang out with her and her wife than her and her (usually boring, always temporary) new fling?

Maybe your poly friend’s wife doesn’t want to hang out with you. Wait, I can say that in a nicer way: Maybe your poly friend’s wife is an introvert who would rather stay home, and she’s only too delighted that the flavor-of-the-week is willing to escort her wife to the box social. But if you miss your friend’s wife, maybe give her a call and invite her to lunch?

My former lover cheated on his current live-in girlfriend with me. She has no idea. Should I tell her what a narcissistic cheater her boyfriend is?

Vengeful former affair partners don’t have much more credibility than narcissistic cheaters—indeed, people view both with similar contempt. But you do you.

My husband and I are swingers. For him, it’s who he is. For me, it’s something I do (and like!). We argue over how often we go out or have sex with other couples. Any suggestions for finding a happy medium?

More often than you’d like, and less often than he’d like—call it the bittersweet spot.

What tips do you have for lesbians in long-term relationships who want to keep sex fun and interesting?

My advice for lesbians who want to keep their LTRs hot is the same as my advice for gays, straights, bis, etc., who want to keep theirs hot. At the start of the relationship, you were the adventure they were on, and they were the adventure you were on. That’s why it was so effortlessly hot at the start. But once you’re not each other’s sexy new adventure anymore—once you’re an established couple—you have to go find sexy adventures together to keep it hot. And that requires making a conscious effort. Explore your kinks; buy some sex toys; have sex someplace other than your bedroom; invite very special guest stars, etc.

How do I create a sexier bedroom for even better sex?

Bedrooms are overrated, if you ask me (which you did), whereas basements, office stairwells, clean single-seat restrooms in upscale restaurants, dark corners of public parks, the space underneath banquet tables in hotel ballrooms, etc., are all underutilized.

Can you explain why male chastity is such a popular kink? I’m not offended by it, just curious about its sudden widespread popularity.

“I think a big factor is that people are enjoying the heightened mental connections that tend to develop with chastity play,” said Christopher of Steelwerks Extreme, makers of the Rolls-Royce of male-chastity devices. “Frequent business travel and long-distance relationships also make chastity an increasingly popular kink, as the cage-wearer and key-holder can maintain a playful dynamic without needing to be in the same room.”

I’m 99.975 percent sure I don’t want kids. My boyfriend of almost four years has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the year. Should we go through with it? My boyfriend is really fucking sexy, hence the .025 percent doubt.

Vasectomies, like pregnancies, are reversible. Your boyfriend could also go to a sperm bank and put a load or three on ice.

Female, 32, straight, and very pregnant. I’m about to pop! Do you have any postpartum sex advice?

Explore outercourse for a while, and try to have (or try to fake) a positive attitude about it.

Your thoughts on transmasculine folks who don’t necessarily identify as men using the word “faggot”?

Fine, so long as they put the emphasis on the second syllable.

Thanks to everyone who came to our live shows!

On the Lovecast, love your curvy body, with Elle Chase: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 42-year-old single, straight female who recently started dating a 36-year-old man in a somewhat exclusive, long-distance relationship. We have known each other for a short time, but have clocked hours upon hours on the phone.

I have specifically stated many times I don’t want kids of my own (he does), am extremely safety conscious (only when I see someone’s STI results and know we’re 100 percent monogamous will I go “bareback”), and am against hormonal contraception. Therefore, I’ve insisted on the use of condoms since our very first encounter, which he at first reluctantly agreed to, but has since obliged without incident. He is expressively into me and treats me better than any guy I’ve dated; he cooks for me, gives me massages, buys me gifts, showers me with compliments, listens to me at any hour of the night, and has shown nothing but respect toward me since Day 1.

Until our last sexual encounter. He woke me up in the morning clearly aroused and ready for sexy time. He asked if he could enter me, and after I said yes, I grabbed a condom for him, and he put it on. We were spooning at the time, so he entered me from behind. At one point early in the encounter, I reached back to grab his hand, and all of a sudden, I felt the condom he had been wearing laid out on the bed. Shocked and outraged, I immediately stopped and turned to him, asking, “Why did you take this off?” To which he replied, “Because I wanted to cum faster.” All I could muster back was, “Do you have any idea how bad that is? I can’t even look at you.” I covered my eyes and cried uncontrollably for a few minutes.

After getting dressed, showering and exiting without a word, I started to process the atrocity of his actions. It’s clear that he does not respect me, my body, my health or my reproductive choices, and made his physical pleasure his top priority. He has apologized profusely, has been emotional about his actions, and has definite remorse. After sending him several articles on how it’s criminal (including the one about the German man who got eight months in jail for stealthing), he now seems to grasp the severity.

It’s hard to reconcile his consistent respect for me with a bold and disrespectful act like this. The best case is that he’s a dumbass; the worst is that his respect and care for me is all a façade, and I’ve been a fool. Is there any reason I should consider continuing to see this guy? Is it remotely forgivable?

Stealthed On Suddenly

Nope.

Someone is probably gonna jump into the comments thread to make the obvious (and objectively true) point that anything is forgivable. People have forgiven worse—I mean, there are mothers out there who’ve forgiven the people that murdered their children. But moms who’ve found it within themselves to forgive their children’s murderers … yeah, they don’t have to live with, take meals with or sleep with their children’s murderers. I’m not saying that forgiving the person who murdered your kid is easy (I wouldn’t be able to do it), but most people who’ve “forgiven worse” never have to lay eyes on the person they forgave again.

So while it may be true that people have forgiven worse, SOS, I don’t think you should forgive this. And here’s why: You only just started dating this guy, and all the good qualities you listed—everything that made him seem like a good, decent, lovely and possibly loving guy (the cooking, the massages, the compliments, etc.)—make up the kind of best-foot-forward fronting a person does at the start of a new relationship. Not only is there nothing wrong with that, SOS; you wouldn’t want to date someone who didn’t do that at the start … because the kind of person who doesn’t make the effort to impress early in a relationship is the kind of person who can’t be bothered to make any effort later in the relationship. We all erect those façades, SOS, but some people are slapping those façades on slums you wouldn’t wanna live in, while others are slapping them on what turns out to be pretty decent housing. And if I may continue to torture this metaphor: When the first cracks appear in the façade, which they inevitably do, and you get a peek behind it, you aren’t a fool if it turns out there’s a slum there. You’re only a fool if you move in instead of moving on.

Anyway, SOS, everybody fronts, but eventually those façades fall away, and you get to see people for who and what they really are. And the collapse of your new boyfriend’s façade revealed him to be a selfish and uncaring asshole with no respect for your body or your boundaries. He was on his best behavior until he sensed your guard was down, at which point he violated and sexually assaulted you. Those aren’t flaws you can learn to live with or actions you can excuse. Move on.


I am a 27-year-old man in an open marriage with a wonderful partner. They’re my best friend; I smile whenever they walk into the room; and we have a ton in common. We don’t, however, have that much sex.

I’m currently seeing someone else, and our sex is great. We’ve explored some light BDSM and pegging, and I’m finding myself really enjoying being a sub. I’m kind of terrified that, as a man, I might accidentally violate someone’s boundaries. I’m also autistic, which makes navigating cues from partners rather difficult. Completely submitting to someone else weirdly makes me feel totally safe and free for kind of the first time.

The problem is: My spouse is also pretty subby. When they do try to initiate sex, it’s often so subtle that I totally miss the signals. In the past month, I’ve had sex with my spouse maybe once, compared to four or five times with my other partner.

My question is this: Have you seen examples of people in open marriages who essentially fulfill their sexual needs with secondary partners, while still maintaining a happy companionable partnership with their primary?

Sexually Understanding Butt-Boy

I’ve personally known people in loving, happy, sexless marriages who aren’t leading sexless lives; their marriages are companionate—some can even be described as passionate—but both halves seek sexual fulfillment with secondary, tertiary, quaternary, etc., partners. But companionate open marriages only work when it’s what both partners want … and your partner’s feelings are conspicuously absent from your letter.

How do they feel about being in a sexless or nearly sexless marriage? Your spouse would seem to be interested in having sex with you—they occasionally try to initiate—but perhaps your spouse is just going through the motions, because they think it’s what you want. So … you’re gonna need to have a conversation with your spouse about your sex lives. If you’ve found being told what to do in unsubtle ways by your Dominant second partner to be sexually liberating, SUBB, you could ask your spouse to be a little less subtle when they want initiate—or, better yet, ask them not to be subtle at all. Nowhere is it written that subs like you and your spouse need to be subtle or sly or stand there waiting for others to initiate. “I am feeling horny and I’d really like to have sex tonight” is something submissives can and do say.

Hey, Everybody: The deadline is right around the corner to submit short films—five minutes or less—to HUMP!, my dirty little film festival! Your HUMP! film can be hardcore, softcore, live-action, animated, kinky, vanilla, gay, straight, lesbian, trans, enby: Everyone and everything is welcome in HUMP! And HUMP! films are only screened in theaters—we don’t release anything online—so you can be a porn star in a movie theater for a weekend without having to be a porn star for eternity on the internet! The deadline to submit your film is Sept. 13! Go to humpfilmfest.com to find out more about entering HUMP!

On the Lovecast—Some medical causes for excessive horniness: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a woman who married young (21), and I’ve been with my husband for seven years. Within the last year, I’ve realized that my falling libido probably comes from the fact that I am not turned-on by our boring vanilla sex routine. I get so little fulfillment that I’d rather not even do it. I’ve tried talking to him, but he says he prefers sex without foreplay or a lot of “complicated stuff.”

I had some great casual sex before we met, but it turns out I’m into BDSM, which I found out when I recently had a short affair. I’ve kept the secret and guilt to myself, but I have told my husband I’m into BDSM. He wants to make me happy, but I can tell he isn’t turned on doing these things. He denies it, because he’s just happy to have sex at all—but a butt plug and a slap on the ass do not a Dom make. I’ve tried to ask him if we can open up our relationship so that I can live out my fantasies. I would like to go to a BDSM club, and he isn’t interested at all. He was very upset and said he’s afraid of losing me if we go. He also felt like I was giving him an ultimatum. I told him he was allowed to say no, and that I wouldn’t leave if he did.

When I was younger, I thought there was something wrong with me, because everyone else wanted monogamy, but it never seemed important to me. I’m not a jealous person, and I wouldn’t mind if he had sex with other people. In fact, the thought of it turns me on, but he says he isn’t interested.

I know he loves me, and I love him. At this point, my only solution has been to suppress this urge to have BDSM sex, but I don’t know if it is a good long-term solution. What should I do? Keep my fantasies to myself? Have another affair or ask him to have an open relationship again? We have a 3-year-old daughter, so I have to make our relationship work.

Want The Hard Truth

Two quick points before I bring out the big guns: First, marrying young is a bad idea. The younger two people are when they marry, according to a veritable mountain of research, the likelier they are to divorce. It makes intuitive sense: The rational part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—isn’t fully formed until age 25. We shouldn’t be picking out wallpaper in our early 20s, WTHT, much less life partners. And second, basic sexual compatibility (BSC) is crucial to the success of sexually exclusive relationships, and it’s a bad idea to scramble your DNA together with someone else’s before BSC has been established.

And with that out of the way …

“WTHT might be surprised to hear she is just a normal woman being a normal woman,” said Wednesday Martin, New York Times best-selling author, cultural critic and researcher. “Like a normal human woman, she is bored after seven years of monogamous sex that isn’t even her kind of sex.”

You mentioned that you used to feel like there was something wrong with you, WTHT, but just in case you have any lingering “what’s wrong with me!” feelings, you’re gonna want to read Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free, Martin’s most recent book.

“We know from recent longitudinal studies from Germany, Finland, the U.S., the United Kingdom and Canada that among women only, relationship duration and living together predict lower desire/boredom,” said Martin. “In fact, the Finnish study found that even when they had more/better orgasms, women in monogamous relationships of several years’ duration reported low desire.” A straight man’s desire for his long-term, live-in female partner also decreases over time, but nowhere near as drastically as a woman’s does. “Contrary to what we’ve been taught, monogamy kills it for women, in the aggregate, more than it does for men,” said Martin.

So that’s what we know now—that’s what the research shows—but very few people in the sex-advice-industrial complex have wrestled with the implications. Most advice professionals, from the lowliest advice columnist to the most exalted daytime TV star, have chosen to ignore the research. They continue to tell unhappily sexless couples that they’re either doing something wrong or that they’re broken. If he would just do his fair share of the housework or if she would just have a glass of wine—or pop a “female Viagra,” if big pharma could come up with one that works, which (spoiler alert) they never will—they’d be fucking like they did the night they met. Not only isn’t this advice helpful; it’s harmful: He does more housework; she drinks more wine; nothing changes; and the couple feels like there’s something wrong with them. In reality, nothing’s wrong. It’s not about a more equitable division of housework (always good!) or drinking more wine (also but not always good!); it’s about the desire for novelty, variety and adventure.

Zooming in for a second: The big issue here is that you got bored. No foreplay? Nothing complicated? Even if you were 100 percent vanilla, that shit would get tedious after a few years. Or minutes. After risking your marriage to treat your boredom (the affair), you asked your husband to shake things up—to fight sexual boredom with you—by incorporating BDSM into your sex life, by going to BDSM clubs, and by at least considering the possibility of opening up your marriage. (Ethically this time.) And while he’s made a small effort where BDSM is concerned (butt plugs, slapping your ass), your husband ruled out BDSM clubs and openness. But since he’s only going through the BDSM motions because he’s just “happy to have sex at all,” what he is doing isn’t working for you. And it’s probably not working for him, either.

At bottom, WTHT, what you’re saying—to me, if not to your husband—is that you’re gonna need to do BDSM with other people if your husband doesn’t get better at it, which is something he might learn to do at the BDSM club he refuses to go to. Which means he has it backwards: He risks losing you if he doesn’t go.

“She once put her marriage at risk to get BDSM,” said Martin. “WTHT’s husband doesn’t need to know about the affair, in my view, and he doesn’t need to become the world’s best Dom. But he owes her acknowledgment that her desires matter. Get to that baseline, and other things tend to fall into place more easily. The discussion about monogamy becomes easier. The discussion about needing to be topped becomes easier. Working out a solution becomes easier.”

I’m not suggesting that an open relationship is the solution for every bored couple, and neither is Martin. There are lots of legitimate reasons why two people might prefer for their relationship to be or remain monogamous. But two people who commit to being sexually exclusive for the rest of their lives and at the same time wanna maintain a satisfying sex life—and, open or closed, couples with satisfying sex lives are likelier to stay together—need to recognize that boredom is their mortal enemy. And while the decision should be mutual, and while “ultimatum” is a scary word, in some instances, bringing in reinforcements isn’t just the best way to fight boredom; it’s the only way to save the relationship.

A couple of weeks back, I told a frustrated husband that his cuckolding kink may have to be put on the back burner while his children are young. The same goes for you, WTHT. But at the very least, your husband has to recognize the validity of your desires and put more effort into pleasing you.

“In straight culture, people tend to define sex as intercourse, because intercourse is what gets men off, and we still privilege male pleasure,” said Martin. “But seen through a lens of parity, what WTHT wants is not ‘foreplay’ or ‘complicated stuff.’ It’s sex, and the sooner her husband lets go of this intercourse = sex fetish of his, and acknowledges that her pleasure matters as much as his does, the sooner he’ll be a real partner to his wife.”

For the record: A relationship doesn’t have to be open to be exciting; BDSM doesn’t have to be crazy complicated to be satisfying; and date night doesn’t have to mean dinner and a movie. Date night can mean a visit to a BDSM club where your husband can learn, through observation alone (at least for now), how to be a better Dom.

You can find Wednesday Martin on Twitter @WednesdayMartin. You can find her books, blog posts, videos, and more at wednesdaymartin.com.

On the Lovecast—All Hail Satan! with Satanic Temple founder Lucien Greaves: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I found your column after a Google search. I saw your e-mail address at the bottom and was hoping for some insight.

My issue is this: Two years into our 23-year marriage, my wife declared that she didn’t want to kiss me or perform oral on me. Several years ago, she had an affair and confessed that she not only kissed this other person but performed oral on them as well.

Why them and not me? Should I just go find someone willing to do what I want? I have a high sex drive, but I find that I don’t want to sleep with my wife anymore, because there is never any foreplay, and a few minutes into it, she’s telling me to hurry up. I don’t feel wanted, and honestly, I no longer desire her. What do you make of this?

Hurting Unwanted Husband

Before telling you what I make of your e-mail, HUH, I want to tell you what I wish I could make out of your e-mail: a time machine. If I could turn all those pixels and code and whatever else into a working time machine, I’d drag your ass back to 1996 (and try to talk you out of marrying your wife) or 1998 (and try to talk you into leaving her after two years of marriage). But since time machines aren’t a thing—at least not yet—we’ll have to talk about the here and now.

Your wife isn’t attracted to you, and never was, or hasn’t been for a long, long time. And now the feeling is mutual—you aren’t attracted to her anymore, either. And if you’re seriously wondering why she kissed and blew that other person—the person with whom she had an affair—when she hasn’t wanted to kiss or blow you for 20-plus years (“Why them and not me?”), HUH, the answer is as painful as it is obvious: Your wife was attracted to her affair partner (that’s why them) and she’s not attracted to you (that’s why not you).

Now, it’s possible your wife was attracted to you a long time ago; I assume she was kissing and blowing you while you were dating and during the couple dozen months of marriage. (She wouldn’t have to announce she was going to stop doing those things if she’d never started.) But at some point relatively early in your marriage, HUH, your wife’s desire to swallow your spit and inhale your dick evaporated. It’s possible her desire to swallow/inhale the spit/dick of her affair partner would have evaporated in roughly the same amount of time, and she would have lost interest in him and his dick and his spit as well. Some people have a hard time sustaining desire over time—and contrary to popular belief, women have a harder time sustaining desire in committed, romantic relationships than men do. (Wednesday Martin wrote an entire New York Times best-selling book about it, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.)

Of course, it’s possible your wife isn’t the problem. You may have said or done something that extinguished your wife’s desire for you. Or, hey, maybe your personal hygiene leaves everything to be desired. (I’ve received countless letters over the years from women whose husbands refuse to brush their teeth and/or can’t wipe their asses properly.) Or maybe you’re emotionally distant or cold or contemptuous or incredibly shitty in bed. Or maybe you’re not the problem! I don’t know you, HUH, and other than the very few details you included your very brief letter, I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage.

But I do know this: If you can leave, HUH, you most likely should. But if you decide to stay because you want to stay, or because leaving is unthinkable for cultural or religious or financial reasons … well, since your wife hasn’t wanted to fuck you for decades, and since you no longer want to fuck your wife, you should release each other from the monogamous commitment you made more than two decades ago. If you can adjust your expectations—if you can both agree to define your marriage as companionate, i.e., you’re friends and life partners, not romantic or sexual partners—you may be able to appreciate your marriage for what it is. But to do that, you’ll have to let go of the anger and disappointment you feel over what it’s not.

And to be clear: If your marriage is companionate, you should both be free to seek sex with outside partners.


Simple question, probably not a simple answer: How do you keep things exciting once the shiny, new phase of a relationship is over? Is it normal to reach a stage where you know someone so well that they’ve become boring? Isn’t that just the fucking worst?

Same Old, Same Old

Recognizing that some people actually enjoy boring—I have it on good authority that some people can get a thrill knitting sweaters and sitting still—there is something the rest of us can do to keep things exciting once the shiny, new phase of a relationship is over: Go on strange and exciting new adventures together. Early on in the relationship, SOSO, your new partner was your exciting new adventure, and you were theirs. But now instead of being the exciting new adventure, you have to figure out what exciting new adventures you’d like to go on together—and then get out there, and go on them.


I’m a young, nonbinary ethical slut, and I have a question about a kink that one of my partners is discovering. We are very close, although we are not sexually active with each other at this point. (We are currently long-distance.) She has another partner with whom she is currently exploring “little” play. I feel personally uncomfortable with age-regression play, but I obviously want to be supportive and understanding. We have fairly good communication, and I am able to tell her when I feel uncomfortable and that I still love and support her, but I just can’t talk about “little” play at the time. I would love to be able to talk about it with her and be supportive, and at the very least make sure I don’t say anything ignorant or hurtful to her.

My question is this: How can I stretch my zone of comfort and learn about this kink in a healthy and educated way?

A Little Uncomfortable

If you want to get more comfortable discussing “little” play, i.e., adults pretending to be small children with other consenting adults, the Dream a Little podcast is a good place to start. It’s hosted by Lo, an AB/DL (adult baby/diaper lover) who has been a guest on my own podcast and who recently made an appearance in the column offering advice to a sad and lonely AB/DL.

That said, ALU, you aren’t obligated to listen to your partner talk about this kink if the topic makes you uncomfortable—or just bores you senseless. Tell her that you support her and you know it’s exciting to explore a new kink, and while she doesn’t have to hide this from you, it’s not something you’re comfortable—at least for now—discussing at length.

On the Lovecast, Stéphane Deschênes on living the nudist life: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 40-year-old married straight woman. I gave birth to our first kid in 2015 and our second earlier this year. My perineum tore and was stitched both times. I have not been able to have sex with penetration since having our second child.

My OB/GYN said I’m “a little tighter now” due to the way the stitching was performed. My husband is very well-endowed, and I can’t imagine how on earth I’m ever going to get that thing back in me, let alone enjoy it. We have a history of pretty hot sex, and I really miss it.

I’ve been searching online for some sex toys to help me. I’ve never used sex toys before. I’ve always been able to have thrilling orgasms easily without any devices. I still can with manual stimulation, but I want to have sex with my husband. I’m confused, and I just don’t know what I need to help me open back up and get through the pain. Please help!

Thanks In Advance

“Unfortunately, this situation is very common—but luckily, there are options to help her get her groove back,” said Dr. Rachel Gelman, a pelvic floor physical therapist at the Pelvic Health and Rehabilitation Center.

Also sadly common: OB/GYNs shrugging off concerns like yours, TIA.

“I see that all the time,” said Dr. Gelman. “Part of the problem is that the pelvic floor/muscles aren’t on most doctors’ radar. That’s due to many factors—cough, cough, insurance companies, cough, our dysfunctional health care system, cough—but to water it down, it’s the OB/GYN’s job to get someone through pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby. And when that’s accomplished, the feeling is their job is done.”

But so long as you’re not able to have and enjoy PIV sex with your hung husband, TIA, there’s still work to do.

“TIA needs to see a pelvic floor physical therapist,” said Dr. Gelman. “A good PT would be able to assess and treat any pelvic floor dysfunction, which is often the primary cause or a contributing factor for anyone experiencing pain with sex, especially after childbirth.”

At this point, Dr. Gelman began to explain that pushing a living, breathing, screaming human being out of your body is an intense experience, and I explained to Dr. Gelman that I’ve had to push a few living, breathing, screaming human beings out of my body, thank you very much. Dr. Gelman clarified that she was talking about “the trauma of labor and delivery,” something with which I have no experience.

“Labor and delivery can have a significant impact on the pelvic floor muscles which can cause a myriad of symptoms,” said Dr. Gelman. Pain during PIV sex sits high on the list of those symptoms.

“The fact that TIA had tearing with the deliveries means she most likely has scar tissue, and a PT would again be able to treat the scar to help decrease any hypomobility and hypersensitivity,” said Dr. Gelman. “A pelvic floor specialist can also instruct her in a home program which may include stretches, relaxation techniques and dilators—dilators are graduated cylinders that are inserted vaginally to help stretch the vaginal opening and promote relaxation of the pelvic floor.”

A set of “graduated cylinders” is essentially “a bouquet of dildos,” TIA. You start with the smallest dilator/dildo, inserting it every day until you can insert it without any pain or discomfort, and then you “graduate” (nudge, nudge) to the next “cylinder” (wink, wink). You can order a set of dilators online, TIA, but Dr. Gelman wants you to find a doc that specializes in sexual medicine first.

“There are some good medical associations that she can check out for resources and to help locate a provider in her area,” said Dr. Gelman. “The websites of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH), the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) and the International Pelvic Pain Society (IPPS) are where she should start.”

Follow Dr. Gelman on Instagram, @pelvichealthsf.


I’m a 30-year-old woman, and about a year ago, I started taking improv classes to help combat my social anxiety. I met a lot of awesome people in my class, but I took a particular shine to this one guy. He was a gentle soul, very sweet, and really funny. We quickly became friends. Eventually, I developed feelings for him and asked him out. He appreciated the offer but told me that he was gay. I was shocked and disappointed, but I wanted to keep our friendship, so I tried to get over my feelings.

But not only haven’t these feelings gone away; I’m actually falling in love with him. He recently confessed to me that he’s still semi-closeted and dealing with a bad breakup, so I really don’t want to add to his problems. This is such a mess. I found this wonderful guy who I care about, and yet nothing will ever happen because I was born the wrong gender. What can I do?!?

Introvert Makes Pass, Regrets Overture Very Seriously

Nothing.

You can’t make that gay guy fall in love with you, IMPROVS, any more than I could make Hasan Minhaj fall in love with me. Getting over him is your only option, and that’s gonna take some time and most likely some space, too. (I’d recommend seeing less of your crush after this class ends.)

But give yourself some credit for doing something proactive about your social anxiety, for taking a risk, and for asking your classmate out. You didn’t take that improv class to find love, right? You took it to combat your social anxiety—and it sounds like you won a few battles, IMPROVS, if not the war. The takeaway here isn’t, “It didn’t work with him, so why should I bother ever trying again with someone else?” It’s: “I did it—I made a connection, I asked someone out—and I’m going do it again, and hopefully, it’ll work out next time.”


I’m an early 30s hetero-flexible man in an open marriage with a bi woman, though both of us have been too chicken to actually go through on acting on the “open” part. Neither of us are hung up on jealousy, so that’s not a factor here.

I recently confessed to my wife that I have had a long-standing desire to sleep with a trans woman. Yes, I know that it’s immature to not have disclosed all my kink cards prior to marriage, but I have my reasons, and thankfully, my wonderful wife let me off the hook and was very supportive. I expressed to her that I have considered seeing a professional trans escort rather than trying for a “hook up” situation. Her reaction was highly negative, as she has the impression that anyone in the sex trade industry is—by definition—a victim.

Where do I go from here? I am uncomfortable with the idea of putting myself out there to meet a trans woman in my city (especially since I’m not looking for a relationship), but I don’t want to violate my wife’s trust and see an escort.

Don’t Know What To Do

Put yourself on a dating and/or hookup app; say that you’re partnered and only looking for something casual—and add that you welcome responses from trans women.

Some trans women are rightly annoyed by all the cis men out there who only wanna hook up, DKWTD, and never date or be seen in public with them. But trans folks are just like other folks—some are taken; some are looking; some are taken and looking. If you get grief from a trans woman who’s annoyed that you aren’t open to dating women like her, DKWTD, let her vent—her frustrations are perfectly legitimate—while you wait for a response from a trans woman looking to buy what you’re selling.

By the way: The trans escorts I know—women who freely chose their jobs—will be surprised to learn that they’re victims, at least according to your highly opinionated and woefully misinformed wife.

On the Lovecast, Is there a urologist in the house? Yes, yes there is: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I have a secret: For the past three months, I’ve been attending a local jacks club (a men-only masturbation event). As someone recovering from sexual abuse, I find the party to be safe, therapeutic and just sexy fun. I feel like I need this!

Unfortunately, I spotted one of my employees at last week’s event. Although I’m openly gay at my workplace, being naked, erect and sexual in the same room as my employee felt wrong. I freaked out, packed up and departed without him seeing me (I hope). I’m his manager at work, and I feel that being sexual around him could damage our professional relationship. It could even have dangerous HR consequences.

I realize he has every right to attend jacks, as much right as me, but I wish he weren’t there. I want to continue attending jacks, but what if he’s there again? Frankly, I’m terrified to discuss the topic with him. Help!

Just A Cock Kraving Safety

“I hate to say it, but now that JACKS knows his employee attends these events, he really has to stop going,” said Alison Green, the management consultant behind the popular Ask a Manager advice column (askamanager.org) and the author of Ask a Manager: How to Navigate Clueless Colleagues, Lunch-Stealing Bosses, and the Rest of Your Life at Work.

And why do you have to stop going to your beloved JO club?

“In an employment relationship where he’s in a position of power,” said Green, “JACKS has a responsibility to avoid any remotely sexual situation with an employee.”

Green also strongly advises against pulling your employee aside and working out some sort of shared-custody agreement—you get jacks to yourself every other week—because initiating a conversation with a subordinate about when and where he likes to jack off would be a bad idea. She also doesn’t think you can just keep going in the hopes that your employee won’t be back.

“If he continues to attend, and it got back to anyone at their workplace, it would be really damaging to his reputation—not the fact that he was at the event to begin with, but the fact that he continued to attend knowing an employee was also participating,” said Green. “It would call his professional judgment into question, and it’s highly likely that HR would freak out about the potential legal liability that arises when you have a manager and a subordinate in a sexual context together.”

It seems crazy unfair to me that you should have to stop going to parties you not only enjoy, JACKS, but that have aided in your recovery. And Green agrees—it isn’t fair—but with great power (management) comes great responsibility (avoiding places where your employees are known to jack off).

“It’s never going to feel fair to have to drop out of a private, out-of-work activity just because of your job,” said Green. “I’m hoping it’s possible for JACKS to find a different club in a neighboring town. Or he could start his own club and offer a safe haven for other managers hiding out from potential run-ins with employees—Jacks for Middle Managers or something!”

While I had Green’s attention, I asked her about other sorts of gay social events that might toss a manager and an employee into a sexual context—think of the thousands of men who attended the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco last month. Gay men (and others) walk around in various states of undress or dress up, and a lot of flirting, groping and more goes down. Should gay men in management have to skip events like Folsom, lest they run into men they supervise?

“Public events are different from private clubs,” said Green. “A private club is more intimate, and a public event is, well, public. And it’s not reasonable or practical to expect managers to entirely curtail their social lives or never attend a public event. But a private club that’s organized specifically and primarily for sexual activity is in a different category.”

However, gay managers who run into employees at events like Folsom or circuit parties shouldn’t ogle, hit on or photograph their employees.

“If someone who reports to you is in a sexual situation,” said Green, “you should keep moving and give them as much space as you reasonably can.”

I’m going to give myself the last word here: You’ve been attending that JO club for months and saw your employee there only once, JACKS, so I think you can risk going back at least one more time. I would hate to see you deprived of release (and see your recovery set back!) if your employee was there only that one time.

Follow Alison Green on Twitter @AskAManager.


My husband and I are visiting Italy right now. We decided to try out the local hospitality and have had two bad hookups. Both of us knew early on in the encounters that we weren’t enjoying it, but we didn’t know how to extricate ourselves.

What is the proper way to end a failed hookup with minimum insult/hurt to the third person?

Texans Seeking Amore

1. The unvarnished truth: “We’re sorry, but we aren’t really feeling it.”

2. The little white lie: “Oh, my goodness. I think the clams we ate earlier were off. I’m so sorry; we’re going to have to call it a night.”


My wife recently came out as bisexual after spending time with a woman who awakened her feelings. I suspected for a long time that my wife was probably bisexual, so I had no issues telling her to explore this side of her sexuality. My only caveat for opening our marriage was that I wasn’t comfortable with her entering into a relationship with another man. This pissed my wife off; she told me I was being irrational; we fought about it, blah blah blah.

Fast-forward a few weeks. My wife swiped right on a guy on Tinder and then checked in with me to see if the boundaries had shifted. I have a hotwife-type fetish, so I gave her the OK to swap sexy texts, and we agreed on a possible threesome. It didn’t pan out; my wife was bummed; we moved on.

She has started chatting up other guys on Tinder. Nothing has happened yet between them, but I feel like I’m being pulled ahead of where I’m comfortable in exploring an open marriage. I’m not opposed to simple hookups, but a separate relationship with a man? The intimacy and affection parts bug me.

How do you acclimate to this kind of adjustment? Or do I throw the brakes on and reverse?

Personally Feeling Fearful Today

So you gave your wife permission to explore her bisexuality—with other women—and she jumped on Tinder and started swiping right on men? Even though you’d told her that wasn’t something you were comfortable with? And it now appears that your wife doesn’t just want to have sexual experiences with women and men (but mostly with men), but relationships with other women and men (but mostly with men)? And she only checks in with you about your boundaries to see if they’ve crumbled yet?

This isn’t how someone opens up a marriage, PFFT, unless that someone isn’t interested in staying married. So you’re going to need to hit the brakes and get some clarity from your wife. You’re willing to open your marriage up to allow for outside sexual experiences, preferably ones you get to take part in (hot-wifing scenes, threesomes), but you’re not interested in polyamory—that is, you don’t want your wife to have a boyfriend. If a boyfriend is what she wants, and she’s unwilling to compromise and can’t negotiate with you in good faith, you don’t want to be her husband.

On the Lovecast, cartoonist Ellen Forney on dating with bipolar disorder: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

Page 1 of 2