CVIndependent

Mon05272019

Last updateTue, 18 Sep 2018 1pm

I’m an early-30s hetero woman in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We’ve been together 10 years, married seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc. We have sex fairly regularly, and it’s not bad.

However, his primary sexual fetish and main turn-on is furry porn—namely, cartoon images. He doesn’t self-identify as a furry; he doesn’t have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was up front about this with me once we started getting serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He seems only marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more-intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn’t allow me to meet him halfway. Real-life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him. (I’ve offered.) We have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I’ve found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on.

I consider myself a fairly sexual person, and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. We’re talking about starting a family, and I’m scared that the pressures that come with parenthood would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

Nothing I write is going to fix this—and nothing I write is going to fix him, FURS, not that your husband is broken. He is who he is, and he had the decency to let you know who he was before you married him. But nothing I write is going to put you at the center of your husband’s erotic inner life. Nothing I write is going to inspire him to initiate more (or at all) or cause him to be more enthusiastic about sex. Nothing I write is going to make your husband want you the way you want to be wanted, desire you the way you want to be desired, and fuck you the way you want to be fucked.

So the question you need to ask yourself before you make babies with this man—the question I would have urged you to ask yourself before you married this man—is whether you can live without the pleasure you get from being desired. Is that the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this man? Maybe it once was, but is it still? Because if monogamy is what you want or what he wants or what you both want, FURS, then choosing to be with this man—choosing to be with someone you enjoy spending time with, who’s “not bad” at sex, whose most passionate erotic interests direct him away from you—means going without the pleasure of being wanted the way you want to be wanted, desired the way you want to be desired, and fucked the way you want to be fucked.

Your husband was up front with you about his sexuality before you got married. Everyone should be, of course, but so few people are—particularly people who have been made to feel ashamed of their sexuality or their fetishes or both—that we’re inclined to heap praise on people who manage to clear what should be a low bar. At the time, you mistook “emotional openness” and your willingness to accept his sexuality for both sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction. I think you owe it to yourself to be up front with your husband before you have kids. He’s getting a good deal here—decent sex with the wife and the freedom to take care of needs his wife can’t meet. And you’re free to ask for a similar deal—decent sex with your husband and the freedom to take care of needs your husband can’t meet.

There’s a far greater degree of risk involved in you going outside the relationship to feel desired, of course; you seeing another man or men comes bundled with emotional and physical risks that wanking to furry porn does not. This isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison. But if your shared goal as a couple is mutual sexual fulfillment—and that should be every couple’s goal—and if you want to avoid becoming so frustrated that you make a conscious decision to end your marriage (or a subconscious decision to sabotage it), FURS, then opening up the relationship needs to be a part of the discussion.


Please discuss cuckolding in all its forms, and also all of the emotional risks and potential sexual rewards.

A Potential Cuckoldress

It would take two years’ worth of columns—even more—to discuss cuckolding in all its forms, unpack all the risks, and game out all the potential rewards. Since I can’t possibly do that, APC, I’m going to send you to Keys and Anklets (keysandanklets.com), a terrific podcast dedicated to “the cuckold and hotwife lifestyle.” The host, Michael C., is engaging, funny and wise, and his interviews with cuck couples and bulls are incredibly illuminating. If you’re considering entering into a cuckold relationship, you’ll definitely want to start listening to Keys and Anklets.


I’m a 20-something woman engaged to a wonderful 20-something man. I’m the kinky one. I’ve dabbled in BDSM and definitely have a taste for pain and degradation. My boyfriend, meanwhile, considers himself a feminist and struggles with degrading me. I’ve been very patient and settled for very vanilla sex for a couple of years now. However, every now and then, he’ll joke about peeing on me when we shower together. I’m curious about watersports and would totally give it a try! I’ve tried to get more information from him on where these jokes are coming from, but he always changes the subject. And recently when I tried to make a joke back, I said the absolute wrong thing: “OK, R. Kelly, settle down.” This was right before we watched Surviving R. Kelly. I’m afraid that joke may have sent any potential watersports play down the toilet. (Pun intended!)

Any advice on how to get him to open up the next time he makes one of these jokes?

Wants A Totally Exciting Relationship

You might want to reread the first letter in this week’s column, WATER, and then dig into the Savage Love archives and check out the thousands of letters I’ve responded to from people who failed to establish basic sexual compatibility before marrying their partners. Settling down requires some settling for, of course, and everyone winds up paying the price of admission. But sexual compatibility is something you want to establish before the wedding, not after.

At the very least, WATER, don’t marry a man to whom you can’t make simple observations about sex and ask simple questions about sex. Like this statement/question/statement combo: “You joke about peeing on me, and I want to know if you would actually like to pee on me, because I would like to be peed on.”

Pissing on you doesn’t make him R. Kelly, a man who has been credibly accused of raping underage girls, and sexually and emotionally abusing—even imprisoning—adult women. If R. Kelly had raped numerous women and girls in the missionary position, WATER, all the other men out there who enjoy sex in the missionary position don’t become rapists by default. Where there is consent—enthusiastic consent—then it, whatever it is (missionary position sex, peeing on a partner), isn’t abusive. Sex play involving pain or degradation often requires more detailed conversations about consent, of course, but jokes and hints are a shitty way to negotiate consent for any kind of sex. Always go with unambiguous statements (“I would like to be peed on”) and direct questions (“Would you like to pee on me?”).

On the Lovecast, a case against Grindr for online harassment: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

I’m a 33-year-old woman from Melbourne, Australia, dating a 24-year-old man. We’ve been dating for about eight months; it is exclusive and official. He’s kind and sweet, caring and giving—and his penis is divine.

The thing is, he confessed to me recently that he doesn’t really “feel.” The way he explained it is: The only emotions he feels are fear and anxiousness that he’ll disappoint the people he cares about. He says he’s never been in love. He said his dad is the same way. The only time I see him really “feel” is when he’s high, which he is semi-frequently. He uses MDMA, and he comes alive. He seems the way a “normal” person does when they’re in love, but when he’s sober, it’s like he’s trying to mimic the things a person in love would say or do.

I confessed I am falling in love with him recently and told him I wasn’t saying this with any expectation of him feeling the same; I just wanted him to know. He responded that he cares for me a lot—but that’s it. I’m now worried that he’ll never love me. I don’t want kids, so time isn’t critical for me, but I don’t want to be with someone who won’t ever love me. 

Lacking One Vaunted Emotion

You didn’t use the P-word (psychopath) or the S-word (sociopath), LOVE, but both came to mind as I was reading your letter. Someone who isn’t capable of feeling? Isn’t that textbook P-word/S-word stuff?

“The fear with someone who doesn’t ‘feel’ is that they may be a psychopath or a sociopath, terms that are used interchangeably,” said Jon Ronson, author of The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry. “And lots of the items on the psychopath checklist relate to an inability to experience deep emotions—like ‘shallow affect,’ ‘lack of empathy’ and ‘lack of remorse.’ However, I have good news for LOVE! This line: ‘The only emotions he really feels are fear and anxiousness that he’ll disappoint the people he cares about’ is the critical one. Psychopaths do not feel anxiety. In fact, my favorite thing a psychologist said to me about this was: ‘If you’re worried you may be psychopath, that means you aren’t one.’ Also, psychopaths don’t care about disappointing loved ones! All those emotions that relate to an overactive amygdala—fear, remorse, guilt, regret, empathy—and psychopaths don’t feel them.”

So your boyfriend’s not a psychopath. Not that you asked. But, you know, just in case you were worried. Anyway …

My hunch is that your boyfriend’s problem isn’t an inability to feel love, LOVE, but an inability to recognize the feelings he’s having as love. (Or potentially love, as it’s only been eight months.) What is romantic love but a strong desire to be with someone? The urge to be sweet to them, to take care of them, to do for them? Maybe he’s just going through the motions with you—a conscious mimic-it-till-you-make it strategy—or maybe the double-whammy of a damaged dad and that toxic masculinity stuff sloshing around out there left him blocked, LOVE, or emotionally constipated. And while MDMA can definitely be abused—moderation in all things, kids, including moderation—the effect it has on him is a hopeful sign. MDMA is not an emotional hallucinogen; the drug has been used in couples counseling and to treat PTSD, not because it makes us feel things that aren’t there (in the way a hallucinogen makes us see things that aren’t there), but because it allows genuine feelings to surface and, for a few hours, to be felt intensely. So he can feel love—he just has to learn how to tap into those feelings and/or recognize them without an assist from MDMA.

Jon Ronson had one last bit of advice for you, LOVE: “Marry him and his divine penis!”

I agree with Jon, of course, but a long, leisurely engagement is definitely in order. You’ve only been seeing this guy and his divinity dick for eight months—don’t propose to him for at least another year, LOVE, and make marriage conditional upon him seeing a shrink four times as often as he sees his MDMA dealer.

Follow Jon Ronson on Twitter @jonronson; read all of his books (So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed? is urgently required reading for anyone who spends time online); and check out his amazing podcast, The Butterfly Effect. To access all things Jon Ronson, go to JonRonson.com.


My boyfriend of 1.5 years shared (several months into dating) that he has a fantasy of having a threesome. I shared that I had also fantasized about this, but I never took my fantasies seriously. Right away, he started sending me Craigslist posts from women and couples looking for casual-sex partners. I told him I wasn’t interested in doing anything for real. A few months later, we went on vacation, and I said I wanted to get a massage. He found a place that did “sensual” couples massage. I wanted nothing to do with this.

During sex, he talks about the idea of someone else being around. This does turn me on, and I like thinking about it when we are messing around. But I don’t want to have any other partners. I’m like a mash-up of Jessica Day, Leslie Knope and Liz Lemon, if that gives you an idea of how not-for-me this all is.

When I say no to one idea, he comes up with another one. I would truly appreciate some advice.

Boyfriend Into Group Sex I’m Not

Short answer: Sexual compatibility is important. It’s particularly important in a sexually exclusive relationship. You want a sexually exclusive relationship; your boyfriend doesn’t want a sexually exclusive relationship—so you two aren’t sexually compatible, BIGSIN, and you should break up.

Slightly longer answer: Your boyfriend did the right thing by laying his kink cards on the table early in the relationship—he’s into threesomes, group sex and public sex—and you copped to having fantasies about threesomes, BIGSIN, but not a desire to experience one. He took that as an opening: Maybe if he could find the right person/couple/scenario/club, you would change your mind. Further fueling his false hopes: You get turned on when he talks about having “someone else around” when you two have sex. Now lots of people who very much enjoy threesomes and/or group sex were unsure or hesitant at first, but gave in to please (or shut up) a partner, and wound up being glad they did. If you’re certain you could never be one of those people—reluctant at first but happy your partner pressed the issue—you need to shut this shit down, Liz Lemon-style. Tell him no more dirty talking about this shit during sex, no more entertaining the idea at all. Being with you means giving up this fantasy, BIGSIN, and if he’s not willing to give it up—and to shut up about it—then you’ll have to break up.


I’m an 18-year-old woman who has been with my current boyfriend for a year, but this has been an issue across all of my sexual relationships: In order to reach climax, I have to fantasize about kinky role-play-type situations. I don’t think I want to actually act out the situations/roles because of the degrading/shameful feelings they dredge up, but the idea of other people doing them is so hot. This frustrates me, because it takes me out of the moment with my partner. I’m literally thinking about other people during sex when I should be thinking about him!

What can I do to be more in the moment?

Distracted Earnest Girlfriend Requires A Different Excitement

Actually, doing the kinky role-play-type things you “have to” fantasize about in order to come would help you feel more connected to your boyfriend—but to do that, DEGRADE, you need to stop kink-shaming yourself. So instead of thinking of those kinky role-play-type things as degrading or shameful, think of them as exciting and playful—exciting because they excite you (duh), and playful because that’s literally what kinky role-play-type things are: play. It’s cops and robbers for grown-ups with your pants off, DEGRADE, but this game doesn’t end when Mom calls you in for dinner; it ends when you come.

So long as you suppress your kinks—so long as you’re in flight from the stuff that really arouses you—your boyfriend will never truly know you, and you’ll never feel truly connected to him.

On the Lovecast—a sexy toy review that will send you packing: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; www.ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love