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We brought Savage Love Live to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago, the Barrymore Theatre in Madison, and the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis, over three nights. As is always the case, the crowds had more questions than I could possibly answer. So in this week’s column, I’m going to tear through some of the questions I wasn’t able to get to.

How do you feel about relationships that have a time frame or defined end point? For example, one person is going away for school or a new job?

I’m fine with relationships with seemingly set end points, as relationships don’t have to be open to being long-term or become long-term in order to be a success. (Did you meet a nice person? Did you have some good sex? Did you part on good terms? Success!) And the world is filled with couples that met at a time in their lives when school or work commitments meant they couldn’t be together—and yet, years or even decades later, they’re still together. You never know.

If you use food for vaginal play, is there any type you should definitely avoid?

Lasagna makes for a lousy insertion toy. (Food doesn’t belong in vaginas; there could be bacteria on the food, even after washing, that results in a nasty infection. #FuckFirst #EatAfter)

Is it OK that I always seem to hate my partners’ mothers? Is this normal?

It isn’t, and it’s not. When you’re the common denominator in a lot of high-stress, high-conflict relationships, you’re most likely the problem.

Why do straight guys like anal so much?

Superhero movies, bottled beer, watching sports—there are lots of things straight guys like that I just don’t get. But I get why they like anal: Done right, anal feels amazing. And not just for the person doing the penetrating. When it’s done right, it is also great for the person being penetrated. And sometimes the person being penetrated is a straight guy.

After a year of dating, my boyfriend told me he is polyamorous. I don’t know how to proceed. Any tips?

If he meant, “Polyamory is my sexual orientation, and you have to allow me to date other people, and you can’t break up with me over this because that would amount to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation,” that’s bullshit, and this relationship is over. But if he meant, “Polyamory is a better relationship model for me than monogamy,” that’s not bullshit, and the conversation is just getting started. If you prefer monogamy, but you’re willing to consider polyamory to be with him, i.e., if that’s a price of admission you’re willing to pay, it could work out. But if you aren’t open to polyamory, and monogamy isn’t a price he’s willing to pay to be with you, it won’t work out.

I work in secondary education, and I’m in an open marriage. My job is awesome, but I’m so afraid of a student or a parent seeing me when I’m out with a different partner. What should I do?

You could continue to make out in public with your other partners—or whatever it is you’re doing in public that makes it clear you’re fucking/dating someone who isn’t your spouse—or you could be discreet. Since antidiscrimination statutes don’t offer protections to people in open relationships, and since people regularly freak out about teachers having sex at all, you really have no other choices besides discretion (when out with others) or shouldering the risk (of losing your job).

My poly friend has started bringing her flavor-of-the-week partners to social events instead of her awesome wife. How do I tell her I’d rather hang out with her and her wife than her and her (usually boring, always temporary) new fling?

Maybe your poly friend’s wife doesn’t want to hang out with you. Wait, I can say that in a nicer way: Maybe your poly friend’s wife is an introvert who would rather stay home, and she’s only too delighted that the flavor-of-the-week is willing to escort her wife to the box social. But if you miss your friend’s wife, maybe give her a call and invite her to lunch?

My former lover cheated on his current live-in girlfriend with me. She has no idea. Should I tell her what a narcissistic cheater her boyfriend is?

Vengeful former affair partners don’t have much more credibility than narcissistic cheaters—indeed, people view both with similar contempt. But you do you.

My husband and I are swingers. For him, it’s who he is. For me, it’s something I do (and like!). We argue over how often we go out or have sex with other couples. Any suggestions for finding a happy medium?

More often than you’d like, and less often than he’d like—call it the bittersweet spot.

What tips do you have for lesbians in long-term relationships who want to keep sex fun and interesting?

My advice for lesbians who want to keep their LTRs hot is the same as my advice for gays, straights, bis, etc., who want to keep theirs hot. At the start of the relationship, you were the adventure they were on, and they were the adventure you were on. That’s why it was so effortlessly hot at the start. But once you’re not each other’s sexy new adventure anymore—once you’re an established couple—you have to go find sexy adventures together to keep it hot. And that requires making a conscious effort. Explore your kinks; buy some sex toys; have sex someplace other than your bedroom; invite very special guest stars, etc.

How do I create a sexier bedroom for even better sex?

Bedrooms are overrated, if you ask me (which you did), whereas basements, office stairwells, clean single-seat restrooms in upscale restaurants, dark corners of public parks, the space underneath banquet tables in hotel ballrooms, etc., are all underutilized.

Can you explain why male chastity is such a popular kink? I’m not offended by it, just curious about its sudden widespread popularity.

“I think a big factor is that people are enjoying the heightened mental connections that tend to develop with chastity play,” said Christopher of Steelwerks Extreme, makers of the Rolls-Royce of male-chastity devices. “Frequent business travel and long-distance relationships also make chastity an increasingly popular kink, as the cage-wearer and key-holder can maintain a playful dynamic without needing to be in the same room.”

I’m 99.975 percent sure I don’t want kids. My boyfriend of almost four years has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the year. Should we go through with it? My boyfriend is really fucking sexy, hence the .025 percent doubt.

Vasectomies, like pregnancies, are reversible. Your boyfriend could also go to a sperm bank and put a load or three on ice.

Female, 32, straight, and very pregnant. I’m about to pop! Do you have any postpartum sex advice?

Explore outercourse for a while, and try to have (or try to fake) a positive attitude about it.

Your thoughts on transmasculine folks who don’t necessarily identify as men using the word “faggot”?

Fine, so long as they put the emphasis on the second syllable.

Thanks to everyone who came to our live shows!

On the Lovecast, love your curvy body, with Elle Chase: savagelovecast.com.

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I’m a 19-year-old bisexual woman really into orgasm denial and edging. With the recent Tumblr ban on all NSFW content, I have no idea where to indulge my kinks and find my community. I’ve never needed to go anywhere else to find porn, explore my sexuality, and be surrounded by supportive people—and now I’m at a loss.

A few Google searches have been really disheartening. Clearly, I’ve been spoiled by all the easily found porn made by women, for women, on Tumblr. Hell, I’m used to it being made by bisexuals, for bisexuals. I feel like I’m 15 again, desperately scouring the internet for anything that applies to me. Please tell me where I can find my porn!

You wrote about how this ban harms sex workers, Dan, but please write about how it harms queer and kinky people, too!

Missing My Porn Community

“Many people are scrambling to relocate their fetish communities in the wake of Tumblr’s ban on ‘adult content,’” said Alexander Cheves, a queer writer who lives in New York City. “Porn is more than hot videos—porn creates communities. I wouldn’t know half the gross stuff I’m into if it weren’t for Tumblr!”

Luckily, MMPC, the men and women who created and/or curated the content that spoke to you and affirmed your identity didn’t evaporate on Dec. 17, the day Tumblr’s porn ban went into effect. Many have taken their clips, captions, GIFs and erotic imaginations to other platforms—and some are creating new platforms.

“MMPC should devote some time to scouring Twitter for bisexual women into orgasm denial and edging, some of whom may be uploading their original content to platforms like Just For Fans,” said Cheves. “The creators of JFF are right now working on a more Tumblr-like social-media extension to their site. Other start-ups like Slixa or ShareSomeCome and social platforms like Switter have emerged in the wake of this crackdown. These are corners of the internet where MMPC can find her porn.”

Cheves wrote a terrific piece for Out that connects the dots between Tumblr’s ban on porn and the anti-sex, anti-porn, anti-sex-work, and anti-queer crackdown that was already under way on other platforms (“The Dangerous Trend of LGBTQ Censorship on the Internet,” Dec. 6, 2018). While there’s still tons of porn on the internet, as many people have pointed out (myself included), the crackdown on explicit content on social-media platforms is fucking over vulnerable queers. As Eric Paul Leue, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, told Cheves: “Many people in straight, heteronormative communities don’t understand what the big deal is (about the Tumblr adult content ban), because their lives and cultures are represented everywhere. For those in queer, or niche or fetish communities, Tumblr was one of the few accessible spaces to build communities and share content.”

As long as sex-education programs don’t cover queer sex or kinky sex—and there’s no sign of improvement in either area—LGBTQ youth and young people with kinks will continue to get their sexual education on the internet. And the harder it is to access explicit content, particularly explicit noncommercial content, the harder it’s going to be for young queers to find not just smut that speaks to them, but the education they need to protect themselves.

“More youth will get hurt, and more will get HIV thanks to Tumblr’s content ban,” said Cheves. “That’s not scaremongering—that will happen. Case in point: I grew up in a fiercely religious home on a 500-acre farm in the middle of Georgia with dial-up and a pretty intense parental blocker. I couldn’t access porn—I couldn’t even access articles with sexual illustrations, including sexual health illustrations. When I went to college in 2010, the same year Grindr hit the App Store, I knew absolutely nothing about HIV and nothing about my community. It’s no wonder that I tested positive at 21.”

Shortly after getting the news that he was HIV+, Cheves started an educational queer sex blog. “I answer sex questions from anyone who writes in—I stole the idea from you, Dan, to be honest,” said Cheves. “I wanted to reach those kids in the middle of nowhere, kids like me.”

While Cheves writes professionally today—you can find his advice column in the Advocate and his byline in other publications—he still updates and posts new content to thebeastlyexboyfriend.com, his original queer sex blog.

“Sites like my blog are needed now more than ever,” said Cheves. “If MMPC wants to help her community survive, she may no longer have the option of being a passive consumer—she might have to start a website or blog, wave a digital flag, and find others. The internet is so massive that censorship will never be able to keep people with niche fetishes from congregating, digitally or otherwise. It’s just going to be a little harder to find each other.”

Follow Alexander Cheves on Twitter @BadAlexCheves.


My new partner is a swinger. Being GGG, I said, sure, we can go to swinger parties, even though I have often been uncomfortable in swinger spaces.

Then I was nearly assaulted at a swinger party with my new partner. If I hadn’t kicked the shit out of the guy, I would have been assaulted. After being appropriately upset about the situation, I was told by one of the organizers: “Well, that is why you should bring a spotter or a couple of friends to a party. You have to protect yourself.” Nowhere on the website for this party was that listed as something I should do. No other articles about swinging that I’ve read (or swinging podcasts I’ve listened to) suggested bringing “spotters” to ensure safety! So what is the standard of consent in swinger spaces? Is bringing a spotter just a given that nobody told me about? I want to be clear about the seriousness of the problem: What happened to me was not a touch on the leg to see if I might be interested in another joining in. It was someone trying to stick an unwrapped cock in me without asking if I would be OK with that!

Unhappy Nervous Swinger Absolutely Fucking Enraged

I’ve strolled around a half-dozen straight swinger spaces—more than the average homo—and the standard for consent at each one I visited can be summed up in four words: Ask before you touch. My visits to straight swinging events/spaces/parties were strictly for research purposes, it should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway: I went only to observe. And at one party, I observed a man attempt to enter a scene he hadn’t been invited to join—by placing his hand on a woman’s leg. The leg-touching creep was promptly ejected for violating the club’s rules about consent, which all attendees were informed of in advance and agreed to adhere to once inside the club.

That’s not just the way it’s supposed to work in swinger spaces, UNSAFE; that’s the way it must work in any swinger space, club or party that hopes to survive. Because bad actors—almost always shitty men—make women feel unsafe. And when women feel unsafe in swinger spaces, they abandon them. And it’s difficult to host a successful straight swingers event without women.

From the sound of things, UNSAFE, you had the misfortune of attending a shitty party run by shitty people. Someone attempted to violate you in a space where respect for boundaries, consent and the bodily autonomy of other individuals is (or should be) paramount. And, no, you were not at fault for failing to bring a “spotter.” The club was at fault for not emphasizing its own rules—and then, when a bad actor broke the rules and left another attendee feeling violated and unsafe, the club compounded its failure by blaming the victim.

I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to attend a swinger party with your new partner ever again—especially if your new partner stood by silently while you kicked the shit out of that asshole—but you shouldn’t return to that particular swinger party again. The sooner Club Bring a Spotter goes out of business, the better.

Want more? Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.

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This woman has gone down on me (I’m a man) more than a half-dozen times in the last three months. Each time seems to be better than the previous! She does not want reciprocation. She has also turned down all my offers for intercourse. As far as I know, she is heterosexual just like me.

What’s with that? I am getting a bit frustrated. Also, without going all the way, am I considered a friend with benefits?

Just Chilling

You’re benefiting here—think of all those blowjobs—and if she’s a friend, you can certainly regard yourself as a friend with benefits. As for why she won’t allow you to eat her pussy or put your dick in her pussy, JC, well, a few things spring to mind. She could be one of those women who love to give head, and that’s all she wants from a casual partner. Or she could have body-image issues. Or she could have a sexually transmitted infection, and she’d rather blow than disclose. Or she might be unwilling to risk pregnancy. Or she could be intersex or trans and not ready to open up.

If you enjoy those blowjobs—if you’re enjoying the benefits—focus on what you are getting instead of what you’re not.


My husband and I occasionally go to swingers clubs. I don’t want to inadvertently fuck any Trump supporters, but I hate the idea of bringing up politics and killing everyone’s collective boner. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Occasionally Swinging

At the risk of killing your boner forever, OS, the organized swinging scene “leans right,” as pollster Charlie Cook would put it if Charlie Cook polled swingers. Easily half of the couples I met at a big swingers convention I attended in Las Vegas told me they were Republicans. One man—a swinger from Texas—told me he was a “traditional values” type of guy, and that’s why he opposed same-sex marriage. Fun fact: His wife was off fucking someone else’s husband while we were chitchatting in the hotel bar. Good times.


I’m a happily married 35-year-old mom. I have a loving and devoted husband. Recently, I started a job to get out of the house more and interact with more people.

Well, it turns out my new boss is a real hottie. I have a crush on him and often find myself fantasizing about him. While I know these feelings can be normal, I tend to fixate/obsess. I’m basically looking for advice on how to move past this crush or maybe find a more productive outlet.

Newbie Fantasizing

Here’s a more productive outlet: Turn out the lights; climb on top of your husband; get him hard; then sink your pussy down on his cock and ride him while you fantasize about your boss. (Perhaps this is better described as a more productive inlet?) Bonus points if you and your husband are both secure enough in your marriage and cognizant enough of reality to regard crushes on others as normal and, so long as they remain crushes, not a threat to your marriage or commitment. Because then you can talk dirty with your husband about your boss—he can even pretend to be your boss—while you ride your husband’s cock.


The other night while my wife and I were watching porn and masturbating together, I suggested we masturbate in front of DirtyRoulette. I briefly explained what the site is about. She asked me if that’s what I do—if I get on DR when I masturbate. I replied yes, sometimes—and she was so taken aback that she ended our masturbation session to process it. We’re fine now, but do you think this is “cheating”?

Dirty Rouletting

I don’t think it’s cheating, DR, but you aren’t married to me. In other words, if your wife regards you masturbating with strangers on the internet as cheating, then it’s cheating. There are, of course, some people out there who regard too many things as cheating—fantasizing about others, looking at porn, even non-webcam-or-porn-enhanced masturbation. People who think this way usually regard cheating as unforgivable and, consequently, their relationships are doomed to failure.


I’m a gay woman in an open marriage. I have met some women I am interested in who are bi and have husbands or male lovers. While I’m into being with these women, I have a concern: I know that sperm can’t live outside of the body very long, but it can still be alive and kicking inside a woman for several days. If a woman fucks a man, and hours or days later, I fuck that woman with fingers or toys that are later inside of me, can I accidentally get pregnant?

Actively Looking

No.


I’m deep in the grips of a run-of-the-mill midlife crisis. My marriage is in a slump, and I’ve been sexless longer than at any time since I was a teenager. My wife has granted me the DADT “hall pass,” but I have no idea how to go about using it. My life is work, children, activities related to the children, and a few solo hobbies to keep myself fit and sane. I rarely meet new people, except at work, and I can’t start a relationship with anyone I meet there. In fact, my career means I am subject to a fair amount of social scrutiny, and discretion is paramount.

Do you have any suggestions?

Hall Passing

Remember Ashley Madison? The hookup site for married people looking for affair partners? The site that did a terrible job of protecting its user data? The site that got hacked? A hack that outed millions of adulterers and ruined lives? Well, according to a story at the Outline, Ashley Madison is back, baby, and lots of women—real women, not the bots that plagued the site pre-hack—are using it. “Once the dust had settled and other scandals entered the headlines, many people largely forgot about Ashley Madison,” Stephanie Russell-Kraft reports. “This might explain why Ashley Madison’s user numbers have shot up in recent years.”


Any etiquette tips or best practices for introducing my husband to my boyfriend?

Poly Processing

Keep it casual and keep it brief, PP. A quick drink before you and your husband head to a sold-out show for which you have only two tickets. If your husband has an unexpectedly emotional reaction to meeting your boyfriend in the flesh—if it dredges up jealousy issues—you won’t be putting him in a situation where he has to bottle that up for hours or, worse yet, for a weekend.


Hey, Dan, you missed an opportunity in your response to Afraid To Bleed. She wrote that she bleeds whenever she has sex, and she was concerned about her partner’s aversion to blood, which you did address. But women should not bleed after vaginal intercourse. There are many reasons why they might—so it needs to be investigated. Please encourage ATB to visit a doctor.

Concerned Reader

Big oversight on my part; thank you for writing in!

On the Lovecast: Finally! A sex-advice/rabbit-care podcast mash-up! savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

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