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My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 11 years. His best friend is one of his exes, and that has always bothered me. What do I do?

Needing Guidance After Getting Engaged

You could make up your mind to get over it, NGAGE. Or you could threaten to break off the engagement unless your fiancé cuts his best friend out of his life. That would be an asshole move—an emotionally manipulative asshole power move. But, hey, you wouldn’t be the first person to wait for the moment of maximum leverage before telling your partner that, despite what you led them to believe (or allowed them to assume), they are going to have to choose between their best friend(s) and the person they’re about to marry or just married.

Fair warning: If you issue that ultimatum, and your fiancé (or husband) writes in and asks me what to do, I’m going to tell him to leave you.


I’m a 58-year-old happily married gay man, and I have a well-hidden kink that I’ve had since childhood: I get off on destructive, city-smashing giants—think of Godzilla as a muscular man smashing things with his dick. Since this is impossible to realize, I rely on drawings and other images.

After Tumblr removed the adult content, I found my way to newer websites. Some featured manga-style drawings of giant prepubescent boys. I’ve NEVER experienced any attraction to children, but these cartoons are a turn-on. Does lusting after cartoon images of boys make me a pedophile?

Freaky Erotic Art Requires Serious Self-Scrutiny

If you aren’t sexually attracted to children, FEARSSS, you aren’t a pedophile. Pedophilia is not something a non-pedophile drifts into after viewing a little squicky manga. Pedophilia, according to the best and most current research, is a hardwired sexual orientation—one that can never be acted on for moral and ethical reasons.

That said, I would urge you to avoid viewing or downloading this stuff. It’s illegal in the United States (and lots of other places) to possess drawings or computer-generated images of children that depict “a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct,” per federal law. I don’t know whether your local prosecutor would consider viewing drawings of giant prepubescent boys smashing buildings with their dicks as a criminal offense, but I’m sure you don’t want to find out. Avoid those websites.


I understand the pleasure received by the “suckee,” but I need help understanding what benefit or pleasure the “sucker” derives from the exchange. Is it the taste of come?

Confusion Over Cocky Knobblers

We do it for the glory, COCK, and that warm feeling that comes over us when we can look up and say, “Emission accomplished.” (Sorry about that.)


Where can a gal go to find reluctant/nonconsensual porn that isn’t overly rapey? I really love power play (think “naughty secretary gets punished”)—but when I look for reluctant/nonconsensual porn, I often come across male-perspective rape fantasies. I’d love to wank to a video or story about a woman reluctantly enjoying herself while her aggressor fucks her up the ass, but every search is fraught with the perils of finding something truly rapey. And that just makes me feel sad and icky. I’m willing to spend money if I trust the source. I just don’t know where to look! Is the issue with my keywords? Help!

Really Enjoys Specific Pornographic E-Content, Thanks

“This is one of the things people don’t understand about ethical and feminist porn—it’s not just soft lighting and sweet lovemaking,” said Tristan Taormino, the feminist author, sex educator, podcaster and porn director (tristantaormino.com). “Ethical and feminist porn can also have an edge and feature power play, so long as there’s consent. My series ‘Rough Sex,’ which has three volumes, is all about real women’s kink fantasies, and there will be something in there for RESPECT (you can find it on gamelink.com). In addition, I recommend bellesa.co, where she can use the search term ‘rough,’ and xconfessions.com, where she should search for ‘BDSM.’”


I’ve written before to ask if there is a newspaper or online publication that translates Savage Love into Spanish. If there is, I can’t find it. I can hardly believe no one does this. Can you give me a simple answer, please?

Something’s Lost In Translation

Simple answers are my specialty, SLIT. As far as I know, my column isn’t translated into Spanish. But it can be read in Italian in Internazionale (internazionale.it), the weekly Italian newsmagazine. (I have to give a shout-out to Matteo Colombo, who does an amazing job of translating my slang-laden, neologism-packed column into Italian every week! Thanks, Matteo!)


I’m a 57-year-old man, and I have been in a relationship for 10 months. I have some erection problems that are helped by ED meds. The issue is I haven’t told my girlfriend I’m taking them. I take a pill when we are together “just in case,” but this is costly, and the resulting lack of spontaneity makes me anxious. Also, I feel like I’m holding on to this secret.

Please Send Advice

Call your girlfriend. It’s time you had the talk. Give her your reasons. Tell her it’s not her fault—and, really, it’s not her fault or yours. Men don’t take boner pills because they aren’t attracted to (or horny for) their partners, as some fear. The reality is quite the opposite: Horny men take ED meds. She may need to hear it a few times before it sinks in, PSA, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. And, if she enjoys the sex, she should be as grateful for these meds as you are—and she shouldn’t want you to waste them any more than you do.


I’m a bi guy in my late 20s. I date women and occasionally hook up with guys. In between, I have toys. My question has to do with something that happens when I’m using a dildo and stimulating my prostate: During intense stimulation … I pee (I think)? My confusion lies in the fact that what comes out is clear and doesn’t smell like urine. I know there’s a debate about female squirting and whether it’s urine, but I’m still very confused. But is this normal for a man? Should I worry?

Leaking Everywhere And Knowing It’s Not Good

Your dildo isn’t just stimulating your prostate gland, which produces the milky fluid that comes flying out of your cock when you ejaculate, but your Cowper’s glands as well. The Cowper’s glands are located just under your prostate, and they produce a clear fluid, aka “pre-come,” that basically flushes out your urethra during arousal. Urine is acidic, and acids can harm sperm cells. So pre-come neutralizes whatever acids might be lurking in your urethra—basically, pre-come makes sure your urethra is a safe space for your sperm cells. Some men produce very little pre-come; some men produce buckets of it; and some men produce more under particular circumstances. Don’t worry, LEAKING, just enjoy.

On the Lovecast, work questions on the podcast?! Yup. Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

I’m a 19-year-old bisexual woman really into orgasm denial and edging. With the recent Tumblr ban on all NSFW content, I have no idea where to indulge my kinks and find my community. I’ve never needed to go anywhere else to find porn, explore my sexuality, and be surrounded by supportive people—and now I’m at a loss.

A few Google searches have been really disheartening. Clearly, I’ve been spoiled by all the easily found porn made by women, for women, on Tumblr. Hell, I’m used to it being made by bisexuals, for bisexuals. I feel like I’m 15 again, desperately scouring the internet for anything that applies to me. Please tell me where I can find my porn!

You wrote about how this ban harms sex workers, Dan, but please write about how it harms queer and kinky people, too!

Missing My Porn Community

“Many people are scrambling to relocate their fetish communities in the wake of Tumblr’s ban on ‘adult content,’” said Alexander Cheves, a queer writer who lives in New York City. “Porn is more than hot videos—porn creates communities. I wouldn’t know half the gross stuff I’m into if it weren’t for Tumblr!”

Luckily, MMPC, the men and women who created and/or curated the content that spoke to you and affirmed your identity didn’t evaporate on Dec. 17, the day Tumblr’s porn ban went into effect. Many have taken their clips, captions, GIFs and erotic imaginations to other platforms—and some are creating new platforms.

“MMPC should devote some time to scouring Twitter for bisexual women into orgasm denial and edging, some of whom may be uploading their original content to platforms like Just For Fans,” said Cheves. “The creators of JFF are right now working on a more Tumblr-like social-media extension to their site. Other start-ups like Slixa or ShareSomeCome and social platforms like Switter have emerged in the wake of this crackdown. These are corners of the internet where MMPC can find her porn.”

Cheves wrote a terrific piece for Out that connects the dots between Tumblr’s ban on porn and the anti-sex, anti-porn, anti-sex-work, and anti-queer crackdown that was already under way on other platforms (“The Dangerous Trend of LGBTQ Censorship on the Internet,” Dec. 6, 2018). While there’s still tons of porn on the internet, as many people have pointed out (myself included), the crackdown on explicit content on social-media platforms is fucking over vulnerable queers. As Eric Paul Leue, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, told Cheves: “Many people in straight, heteronormative communities don’t understand what the big deal is (about the Tumblr adult content ban), because their lives and cultures are represented everywhere. For those in queer, or niche or fetish communities, Tumblr was one of the few accessible spaces to build communities and share content.”

As long as sex-education programs don’t cover queer sex or kinky sex—and there’s no sign of improvement in either area—LGBTQ youth and young people with kinks will continue to get their sexual education on the internet. And the harder it is to access explicit content, particularly explicit noncommercial content, the harder it’s going to be for young queers to find not just smut that speaks to them, but the education they need to protect themselves.

“More youth will get hurt, and more will get HIV thanks to Tumblr’s content ban,” said Cheves. “That’s not scaremongering—that will happen. Case in point: I grew up in a fiercely religious home on a 500-acre farm in the middle of Georgia with dial-up and a pretty intense parental blocker. I couldn’t access porn—I couldn’t even access articles with sexual illustrations, including sexual health illustrations. When I went to college in 2010, the same year Grindr hit the App Store, I knew absolutely nothing about HIV and nothing about my community. It’s no wonder that I tested positive at 21.”

Shortly after getting the news that he was HIV+, Cheves started an educational queer sex blog. “I answer sex questions from anyone who writes in—I stole the idea from you, Dan, to be honest,” said Cheves. “I wanted to reach those kids in the middle of nowhere, kids like me.”

While Cheves writes professionally today—you can find his advice column in the Advocate and his byline in other publications—he still updates and posts new content to thebeastlyexboyfriend.com, his original queer sex blog.

“Sites like my blog are needed now more than ever,” said Cheves. “If MMPC wants to help her community survive, she may no longer have the option of being a passive consumer—she might have to start a website or blog, wave a digital flag, and find others. The internet is so massive that censorship will never be able to keep people with niche fetishes from congregating, digitally or otherwise. It’s just going to be a little harder to find each other.”

Follow Alexander Cheves on Twitter @BadAlexCheves.


My new partner is a swinger. Being GGG, I said, sure, we can go to swinger parties, even though I have often been uncomfortable in swinger spaces.

Then I was nearly assaulted at a swinger party with my new partner. If I hadn’t kicked the shit out of the guy, I would have been assaulted. After being appropriately upset about the situation, I was told by one of the organizers: “Well, that is why you should bring a spotter or a couple of friends to a party. You have to protect yourself.” Nowhere on the website for this party was that listed as something I should do. No other articles about swinging that I’ve read (or swinging podcasts I’ve listened to) suggested bringing “spotters” to ensure safety! So what is the standard of consent in swinger spaces? Is bringing a spotter just a given that nobody told me about? I want to be clear about the seriousness of the problem: What happened to me was not a touch on the leg to see if I might be interested in another joining in. It was someone trying to stick an unwrapped cock in me without asking if I would be OK with that!

Unhappy Nervous Swinger Absolutely Fucking Enraged

I’ve strolled around a half-dozen straight swinger spaces—more than the average homo—and the standard for consent at each one I visited can be summed up in four words: Ask before you touch. My visits to straight swinging events/spaces/parties were strictly for research purposes, it should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway: I went only to observe. And at one party, I observed a man attempt to enter a scene he hadn’t been invited to join—by placing his hand on a woman’s leg. The leg-touching creep was promptly ejected for violating the club’s rules about consent, which all attendees were informed of in advance and agreed to adhere to once inside the club.

That’s not just the way it’s supposed to work in swinger spaces, UNSAFE; that’s the way it must work in any swinger space, club or party that hopes to survive. Because bad actors—almost always shitty men—make women feel unsafe. And when women feel unsafe in swinger spaces, they abandon them. And it’s difficult to host a successful straight swingers event without women.

From the sound of things, UNSAFE, you had the misfortune of attending a shitty party run by shitty people. Someone attempted to violate you in a space where respect for boundaries, consent and the bodily autonomy of other individuals is (or should be) paramount. And, no, you were not at fault for failing to bring a “spotter.” The club was at fault for not emphasizing its own rules—and then, when a bad actor broke the rules and left another attendee feeling violated and unsafe, the club compounded its failure by blaming the victim.

I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to attend a swinger party with your new partner ever again—especially if your new partner stood by silently while you kicked the shit out of that asshole—but you shouldn’t return to that particular swinger party again. The sooner Club Bring a Spotter goes out of business, the better.

Want more? Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.

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Published in Savage Love

I’m straight and married but not boring, and I am heading to my parents’ house for our first family Christmas since my asshole MAGA brother “stumbled over” the Tumblr blog where the wife and I posted about our sexual adventures. (Pics of MMF threesomes and cross-dressing/pegging sessions, plus some dirty “true enough” stories.) My brother has always been an angry screwup, so he leapt on the chance to make me look bad by sending the link to my parents, siblings and even some close family friends. Our Tumblr blog is still up, because we aren’t ashamed. Any advice?

Totally Uncool Malicious Bastard’s Lame Reveal

Your Tumblr blog isn’t going to be up for much longer, TUMBLR, as the company that owns Tumblr—Verizon—is ashamed of your blog and the millions of others like it: Tumblr announced last week that all “adult” content is banned as of Dec. 17. And the definition of “adult content” is pretty broad: “photos, videos, and GIFs of human genitalia, female-presenting nipples, and any media involving sex acts, including illustrations,” although they will allow genitals and those wicked “female-presenting nipples” in images of classical art. (No contemporary junk or lady nips allowed.)

This is not just a blow to people who use Tumblr for porn—and that’s most people who use Tumblr—but also to the sex-work community. Sex workers had already been driven off most other online platforms by anti-sex-work crusaders, and now sex workers are being driven off Tumblr as well. Forcing sex workers off the internet won’t end sex work—the stated goal of anti-sex-work crusaders—but it will make sex work more dangerous, which tells us everything we need to know about the motives of anti-sex-work crusaders. While they claim to oppose sex work because it’s dangerous, they push policies that make sex work more dangerous. Sex workers weren’t just advertising online; they were organizing—in addition to honing and making the political argument for decriminalizing sex work, they were screening potential clients and sharing information with each other about dangerous clients. Just like anti-choice/anti-abortion crusaders, anti-sex-work crusaders don’t want to “protect” women; they want to punish women for making choices they disapprove of. (As a general rule: If what you’re doing makes people less safe, you don’t get to claim you’re trying to protect anyone—it’s like claiming you only set houses on fire to drive home the importance of smoke alarms.)

Anyway, fuck your sex-shaming/smut-shaming brother, TUMBLR. As for the rest of your family, you and the wife should slap smiles on your faces and act like you’ve done nothing wrong—because you haven’t done anything wrong. Your asshole brother is the bad guy, and any family members who wish to discuss how offended they were by your Tumblr blog should be directed to speak with your brother, as he’s the one who showed it to them.


How can I explain to my sisters that although I am a free sexual woman, I still prefer men as sexual partners? My sisters are both involved with women, and they cannot understand how, with all the awful sexual inequality in the world, I can still be primarily attracted to men. Sometimes I even imagine my sexuality as a gay man’s sexuality in a woman’s body, and I try to explain it to them in this way.

I’m not a secret right-winger or someone kidding around by asking this question. This is a real issue.

By the way: I have a straight male friend who says he’s a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. What do you think of this?

Give It To Me Straight

People don’t choose to be straight—some poor motherfuckers are born that way—any more than hetero-romantic bisexuals choose to be hetero-romantic bisexuals. You can’t help who you’re attracted to, GITMS, primarily or otherwise, and the contempt of family members can’t change a person’s sexual or romantic orientation. Your sisters should understand that, since they most likely wouldn’t be with women if the contempt of family members had that kind of power.

As for describing yourself as a gay man trapped in a woman’s body and your straight male friend describing himself as a lesbian trapped in a man’s body … Unless the two of you are trans—in which case you could be homos trapped in the wrong bodies—your friend is just another straight guy mortified by the mess straight people (mostly white, mostly men) have made of the world. You’re also mortified by straightness, GITMS, or at least the sexual inequality that often comes bundled with it. But instead of your straight male friend opting out of heterosexuality (which he can’t do) or you framing your attraction to men as a gay thing to get your sisters off your back (which you shouldn’t have to do), your friend should identify as straight (because he is), and you should identify as someone who doesn’t give a shit what her sisters think (because you shouldn’t).

If good straight guys and “free sexual women” in opposite-sex relationships don’t identify with heterosexuality and/or hetero-romantic orientations, GITMS, all the shitty straight people will conclude that they get to define heterosexuality (which they don’t).


I’m a gay man in my mid-20s, and I’m getting more serious with a guy I met a few months ago. I was surprised to eventually learn that “Michael” is in his late 30s, since he easily passes for my age. I’m comfortable with the age gap, but I’m struggling with how to present this to my parents. Religious and conservative, they were cordial but distant with the last guy I dated (who was my age). I’m afraid the age gap with my new boyfriend will create even more discomfort for them and that Michael will sense it when he comes along to visit for the holidays.

I’m considering lying to my parents if Michael’s age comes up. I’ve challenged my parents’ attitudes for many years—but at this point, I’m willing to trade honesty for the chance to be treated even a little bit more like a “normal couple” at Christmas.

Is it selfish to ask Michael for permission to lie about his age? I’m nervous to even share my feelings with him, for fear it will give the impression I’m embarrassed by him.

Awkward Gatherings Expected Given Age Peculiarity

Tell one lie to make your relationship seem more acceptable to your parents, and you’ll be tempted to tell them more lies—and I don’t know about you, AGEGAP, but not having to lie to mommy and daddy anymore was one of the reasons I came out of the closet. And if you want your parents to be comfortable with Michael—if you don’t want them to think there’s anything wrong with their son dating an older man—deceiving your parents about Michael’s age is a terrible first move. That says you think there’s something wrong it—and you won’t just be saying that to your parents, AGEGAP; you’ll be saying it to Michael as well.

And let’s say things work out with Michael. The lie you told that first Christmas will only serve to make things more awkward after you finally tell them the truth about your boyfriend’s age. And if your parents are like other mildly or wildly homophobic parents, i.e., if they’re inclined to regard the man who sodomizes their son as a negative influence in his life, they may not believe the lie was your idea. They’ll think this creepily youthful older man—this man who showed up in their home wearing a suit made out of the skins of younger gay men—encouraged their son to lie to them so they wouldn’t object to the relationship in the early stages, when their objections might have had the ability to derail it.

Finally, AGEGAP, if your older boyfriend is concerned you may be too immature for him—not all young people are immature, and not all immature people are young, but this shit does correlate—telling him you’re still in the lie-to-mommy-and-daddy stage might prompt him to end this relationship.

On the Lovecast: RealDoll brothels?! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Published in Savage Love

After a flurry of rumors, parodies and anticipation, the lineup for Coachella 2013 was finally released earlier this week.

While those of us here at the Independent have our own opinions on the lineups (No Daft Punk?! Damn it!), we'll shut up for now. Instead, we scoured the good ol' Weekly Wide Web for reactions.

We did find a wee bit of consensus. For example, everyone was understandably bummed that some of the rumored headliners (Stones, Bowie, Daft Punk) were just rumors; and there's a surprising amount of consensus that the second-tier acts are rather strong. 

Here are eight bits of reaction worth noting, in no particular order:

  • The Los Angeles Times' August Brown was surprised by the lack of EDM (electronic dance music) in the lineup. "One has to scroll down to the third line of any given day before a proper dance act is listed (some electro-leaning bands like The Postal Service and New Order have higher billing). In more recent years, EDM acts like Swedish House Mafia and Tiesto have closed out nights on the main stage and drew more fans than the ostensible headliners," Brown notes.
  • The provocateurs over at Spin offer 10 reasons why the lineup sucks—and 20 why it doesn't. Spin's Chris Martins, for example, is excited about the reunion of The Postal Service, but pissed about the apparent lack of holograms. (RIP, Tupac.)
  • Across the pond, the folks at The Guardian seem thrilled that British bands "dominate" the lineup. "Joining Damon Albarn and co on the first night of the event, which takes place over consecutive weekends in April, will be the Stone Roses. The band will be playing their first US gigs since re-forming in 2012," the paper notes. "The lineup has a heavy UK presence, with performances promised from the xx, New Order, Hot Chip, Two Door Cinema Club, Biffy Clyro, Foals, Franz Ferdinand, Jessie Ware, Jake Bugg, James Blake and Johnny Marr."
  • Speaking of the Stone Roses: An entire Tumblr page has been developed to compile the reactions of (mostly younger) Twitter-users asking: Who in the heck are the Stone Roses? It's an oddly amusing read. (Doesn't anyone know how to use the Google these days?)
  • The folks over at MTV.com (Remember when MTV had music credibility? The folks who have tweets on the aforementioned Tumblr page probably don't!) focus on the reunions. James Montgomery writes (after actually using the word "kvetching"): "Late Thursday night, (Coachella) organizers took to Twitter to reveal the full lineup for the 2013 edition of the fest, which features recently-reunited acts like the Stone Roses, Blur and the Postal Service, returning indie champs Phoenix, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Vampire Weekend and, uh, the Red Hot Chili Peppers."
  • Up in the Pacific Northwest, Portland, Ore.'s Willamette Week is decidedly unimpressed with the lineup. "Coachella’s hotly anticipated lineup is out and—woof. If this lineup was announced for (George, Wash. festival) Sasquatch, we’d be ho-hum. But for the West Coast’s premiere music festival to have Blur, Phoenix and the Red Hot Chili Peppers headlining is really bumming us out." Writer Martin Cizmar then goes on to list holograms that could save the festival. Har!
  • Hollywood.com's Jean Bentley sees evidence of Coachella organizer Goldenvoice's disappointment in the lineup announcement's timing: "The fact that the lineup was announced via Twitter after 8 p.m. (Pacific time!) on a Thursday—and the fact that it's out weeks later than in past years—is also quite telling. If bigger names were playing, it seems like the bands wouldn't have been revealed at such a random, late hour."
  • And finally, the granddaddy the alternative press, The Village Voice, gives the lineup a thumbs-up—albeit a weak thumbs-up. Brian McManus writes: "So what do you think? There's lots to like in there if you drill down far enough. Visions of a reunited Postal Service and the four Wu Tang members who actually show up wandering the camp grounds together are already swimming through our heads."

For more information on the festival, including an inaccurate countdown clock (as of this writing, the clock says the April festival is just two days and change away, which we don't think is correct), head over to coachella.com.