CVIndependent

Sat02242018

Last updateWed, 27 Sep 2017 1pm

Dan Savage

I’m an 18-year-old female. I’m cisgender and bisexual. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my cisgender bisexual boyfriend for about a year.

I’m currently struggling with a lot of internalized biphobia and other hang-ups about my boyfriend’s sexuality. I don’t know if I’m projecting my own issues onto him or if I’m just being bigoted towards bi men, but either way, I feel truly awful about it. But when I think about the fact that he’s bi and is attracted to men, I become jealous and fearful that he will leave me for a man, or that he would rather be with a man. (I’ve been with men and women in the past; he’s never been with a man.) I know it is unfair of me to feel this way, and he’s never given me any real reason to fear this. We have a very engaged, kinky and rewarding sex life! But I worry I’m not what he really wants.

This situation is complicated by the near certainty that my boyfriend has some sort of hormonal disorder. He has a very young face for an 18-year-old, a feminine figure, and not a lot of body hair. He orgasms but he does not ejaculate; and although he has a sizable penis, his testicles are more like the size of grapes than eggs. He struggles a lot with feeling abnormal and un-masculine. I try to be as supportive as possible and tell him how attracted to him I am, and how he’ll get through whatever this is. But he can tell his bi-ness makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I think that because he appears more feminine than most men and is more often hit on by men than women, I worry that he would feel more comfortable or “normal” with a man.

I don’t want to contribute to him feeling abnormal or bad about himself. How do I stop worrying that he’s gay or would be happier with a man? I feel horrible about myself for these anxieties considering that I’m bi, too, and should know better.

Anonymous Nervous Girlfriend Seeks Tranquility

“Many people who encounter us Bi+ folk in the wild just project their insecurities onto us with impunity and then blame us for it,” said RJ Aguiar, a bisexual activist and content creator whose work has been featured on Buzzfeed, HuffPo, Queerty and other sites. “As someone who’s bi herself, I’m sure ANGST knows this all too well.”

So if you’ve been on the receiving end of biphobia—as almost all bisexual people have—why are you doing it to your bisexual boyfriend?

“This hypothetical so-and-so-is-going-to-leave-me-for-someone-hotter scenario could happen to anyone of any orientation,” said Aguiar. “But maybe because the potential ‘pool of applicants’ is over twice as big for us Bi+ folk, we get stuck with twice as much of this irrational fear? I don’t know. But here’s what I do know: Most Biphobia (and jealousy for that matter) is projected insecurity. Built into the fear that someone will leave you because they ‘like x or y better’ is the assumption that you yourself aren’t good enough.”

And while feelings of insecurity and jealousy can undermine a relationship, ANGST, they don’t have to. It all depends on how you address them when they arise.

“We all have our moments!” said Aguiar. “But we can turn these moments into opportunities for open communication and intimacy rather than moments of isolation and shame. That way, they end up bringing you closer, rather than driving this invisible wedge between you. The key is to understand that feelings aren’t always rational. But if we can share those feelings with the person we love without fear of judgment or reprisal, it can help create a space of comfort and intimacy that no piece of ass will ever be able to compete with—no matter how hot they are or what they may or may not have between their legs.”

As for the reasons you’re feeling insecure—your boyfriend might be gay and/or happier with a man—I’m not going to lie to you, ANGST: Your boyfriend could be gay (some people who aren’t bisexual identify as bi before coming out as gay or lesbian), and/or he could one day realize that he’d be happier with a man (just as you could one day realize that you’d be happier with a woman). But your wonderful sex life—your engaging, kinky, rewarding sex life—is pretty good evidence that your boyfriend isn’t gay. (I was one of those guys who identified as bi before coming out as gay, ANGST, and I had girlfriends—and the sex we had was far from wonderful.)

And now I’m going tell you something you no doubt already know: Very few people wind up spending their lives with the person they were dating at 18. You and your boyfriend are both in the process of figuring out who you are and what you want. It’s possible he’ll realize you’re not the person he wants to be with, ANGST, but it’s also possible you’ll realize he’s not the person you want to be with. Stop worrying about the next six or seven decades of your life—stop worrying about forever—and enjoy this time and this boy and this relationship for however long it lasts.

Finally, ANGST, on the off chance your boyfriend hasn’t spoken to a doctor about his symptoms—because he’s an uninsured/underinsured/unlucky American, or because he’s been too embarrassed to bring up the size of his balls and quality of ejaculations with his parents and/or doctor—I shared your letter with Dr. John Amory, professor of medicine at the University of Washington.

“An 18-year-old male with testicles the ‘size of grapes’ indicates an issue with testicular development,” said Dr. Amory. “The reduced testicular volume, in combination with the other features such as his feminine face and sparse body hair, also suggest an issue with testicular function.”

It could simply be delayed puberty—some people suddenly grow six inches when they get to college—or it could be something called Klinefelter syndrome.

“Klinefelter syndrome occurs in one out of every 500 males and is associated with small testicular volume and decreased testosterone,” said Dr. Amory. “This diagnosis is frequently missed because the penis is normal in size and the men are normal in most other ways, although about half of the men with Klinefelter syndrome (KS) can have breast enlargement (gynecomastia) that can be seen as feminizing. Bottom line: Small testes at age 18 means it’s time for a doctor’s visit—probably an endocrinologist or urologist—to take a family history, do an examination, and consider measurement of testosterone and some other hormones. This should help him understand if he ‘just needs to wait’ or if he has a diagnosis that could be treated. There is a real possibility that he has KS, which is usually treated with testosterone to improve muscle mass, bone density and sexual function.”

Follow RJ Aguiar on Twitter @rj4gui4r.


I’m a 27-year-old woman whose boyfriend recently broke up with her. Along with the usual feelings of grief and heartbreak, I’m feeling a lot of guilt about how I handled our sex life, which was one of the main issues in our breakup. My now ex-boyfriend was interested in BDSM and a kink-oriented lifestyle, and I experimented with that for him. I attended several play parties, went to a five-day-long kink camp with him, and tried out many of his BDSM fantasies. The problem became that, hard as I tried, I just wasn’t very interested in that lifestyle, and parts of it made me very uncomfortable. I was game to do the lighter stuff (spanking, bondage), but just couldn’t get behind the more extreme things. I disappointed him because I “went along with it” only to decide I wasn’t into it, and I unfairly represented my interest in his lifestyle.

Did I do something wrong? What should I have done?

Basically A Little Kinky

All you’re guilty of doing, BALK, is exactly what kinksters everywhere hope their vanilla partners will do. You gave it a try—you were good, giving and game enough to explore BDSM with and for him—and sometimes that works, e.g. someone who always thought of themselves as vanilla goes to a play party or a five-day-long kink camp and suddenly realizes, hey, I’m pretty kinky, too! But it doesn’t always work. Since the alternative to “went along with it” was “never gave it a chance,” BALK, your ex-boyfriend should be giving you credit for trying, not grief for supposedly misleading him.

On the Lovecast: Dan chats with rival advice columnist Roxane Gay: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @FakeDanSavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I’m a 24-year-old nonbinary person living in Florida. I have two wonderful girlfriends. One, I have been with for four years. (We live together.) The other, I have been with for a year and a half. They’re both brilliant, interesting and kind. Both relationships have their issues, but they are minor. They know each other but aren’t close. Neither is interested in people besides me right now, although my longer-term girlfriend identifies as poly. They have both said that they see a future with me, but something doesn’t feel right.

I’ve been having fantasies about leaving them both. It’s not about wanting to find someone I like better—if I met someone I really liked, I could pursue it. I just feel like neither relationship can progress while both exist. My other friends are getting married. I don’t think I want to stay in this setup indefinitely. Even if my girlfriends liked each other, which they don’t, I don’t want sister wives or two families. But I also can’t imagine choosing between them.

I feel like a scumbag for even thinking about it. I’ve talked to them, and they are both having reservations about the current situation. Neither of them wants some kind of three-person family structure, either. The only thing I can think to do (besides running away) is wait and see if one of these relationships fizzles out on its own.

Are my fantasies of escape normal? Is wanting to be with “the one” just straight nonsense?

Engaged Now But Yearning

“The one” is nonsense, ENBY, but it’s not straight nonsense—lots of queer people believe that “the one,” their perfect match, is out there somewhere. But despite the fact that there are no perfect matches, people are constantly ending loving relationships that could go the distance to run off in search of “the one” that doesn’t exist. As I’ve pointed out again and again, there are lots of .64s out there, and if you’re lucky, you might find a .73 lurking in the pile. When you find a serviceable .64 or (God willing) a spectacular .73, it’s your job to round that motherfucker up to “the one.” (And don’t forget that they’re doing the same for you—just as there’s no “the one” for you, you’re no one’s “the one.” Everyone is rounding up.)

Zooming in on your question, ENBY: You say what you have now—two girlfriends who can’t stand each other—is working. Are you sure about that? While fantasies of escape are normal—we all spend time thinking about the road we didn’t take, the door we didn’t try, the ass we didn’t eat—it’s odd to hear someone with two girlfriends wish for one or both to disappear. Perhaps it’s not who you’re doing that’s the problem, ENBY, but what you’re doing. The kind of polyamory you’re practicing—concurrent and equal romantic partnerships—may not be right for you. I’m not trying to YDIW you here (“You’re doing it wrong!), but if you’re envious of your friends who are settling down with just one partner, perhaps you’d be more comfortable in an open-not-poly relationship (sex with others OK; romance with others not OK) or a hierarchical poly relationship (your primary partner comes first; your secondary partner[s] come, well, second).

Finally, ENBY, it could be the stress of having two partners who don’t like each other that has you fantasizing about escape and/or one of your partners evaporating. Each of your girlfriends might make sense independently of each other, but if having to share you doesn’t work for them … it’s never going to work for you.


I’m 27 years old, and I’ve been married to my partner for two years. I’m facing a conundrum: A relative sexually abused me when I was younger. It happened a handful of times, and I’ve never told anyone other than my partner. I’m now struggling to decide not whether I should tell my parents (I should), but when. The abuse fucked me up in some ways, but I have been working through it with a therapist.

The problem is my siblings and cousins have started having their own children, and seeing this relative—a member of my extended family—with their kids is dredging up a lot of uncomfortable memories. I see this relative frequently, as we all live in the area and get together as a family at least once a month. I don’t have children of my own yet, but my partner and I have already decided that this relative will never touch or hold the ones we do have.

So do I tell my parents now? My extended family is tightly knit, and I fear the issues that sharing this secret will inevitably create. Am I starting unnecessary drama since I’m not even pregnant yet?

My Family Kinda Sucks

Your kids may not yet exist, MFKS, but your young nieces, nephews and cousins do—and your abuser has access to them. So the drama you fear creating isn’t unnecessary—it’s incredibly necessary. And since you were planning to tell your parents eventually, the drama is inevitable.

But let’s say you wait to tell your parents until you have children of your own—how will you feel if you learn, after the curtain goes up on this drama, that this relative had sexually abused another child in your family (or multiple children in your family, or children outside your family) in the weeks, months or years between your decision to tell your parents and the moment you told them?


My partner does phone sex work. A lot of the calls are from “straight” guys who ask to be “forced” to suck cock. (We assume the forced part is because they think there’s something wrong with being gay.) We’re wondering if there is a sex-positive word we should be using to describe these guys. If not, your readers should coin one, so all us straight dudes who love dick can take pride in our desires. Fill in the blank: “_______: a 100 percent straight guy who also loves sucking dick (and perhaps taking it in the ass).”

Cocksuckers Need Noun

The kink you describe already has a name—forced bi—and a forced bi scene usually goes something like this: A guy who would never, ever suck a cock because he’s totally straight gets down on his knees and sucks cocks on the orders of his female dominant. Since this totally straight guy sucks cock only to please a woman, there’s nothing gay and/or bi about all the cocks he puts in his mouth.

It’s one very particular way in which male bisexuality is expressed—think of it as male bisexual desire after hetero fragility, gay panic, denial, religion, gender norms, and football get through kicking the shit out of it. Paradoxically, CNN, by the time a guy asks a woman to force him to suck a cock, he’s allowing himself to suck a cock and therefore no longer in denial. (And, yes, guys into forced bi are free to identify as straight—indeed, they have to keep identifying as straight, since identifying as bi would fatally undermine the transgression that makes their perfectly legitimate kink arousing.)

But what to call these guys?

Well, CNN, some people into BDSM call themselves “BDSMers.” But “forcedbi’ers” doesn’t trip quite so easily off the tongue—so maybe we go with “cocksuckers”? It’s an emasculating slur, one that straight-identified men throw around to get, um, a rise out of each other. (Call an out-and-over-it gay man a cocksucker, and all you’ll get in return is a: “No shit.”) But while “You’re a cocksucker” may be fighting words for a straight guy, they’re highly arousing ones for a straight-identified guy into forced bi.

On the Lovecast, a scientific study on gay cuckolding: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

How does one get into the gay BDSM bottoming and leather scene?

Seeking Answers Concerning Kink

One shows up, SACK.

“Eighty percent of success is just showing up,” someone or other once said. The adage applies to romantic/sexual success as well as professional success, SACK, but showing up easily accounts for 90 percent of success in the BDSM/leather/fetish scene. (Being a decent human being accounts for the other 110 percent*.) Because if you aren’t showing up in kink spaces—online or IRL—your fellow kinksters won’t be able to find or bind you. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

“The leather scene is a diverse place with tons of outlets and avenues, depending on how you navigate your life and learn,” said Amp from Watts the Safeword (wattsthesafeword.com), a kink and sex-ed website and YouTube channel. “When I was first getting started, I found a local leather contingent that held monthly bar nights and discussion groups that taught classes for kinksters at any level. It provided an easy way into the community, and it helped me meet new people, make new friends, and find trustworthy play partners. If you’re a tad shy and work better online, these contingents have Facebook groups or FetLife pages you can join. And YouTube has a channel for everyone in the kink spectrum, from gay to straight to trans to nonbinary and beyond!”

More advice: “Recon.com is a great option for gay men,” said Metal from the gay male bondage website MetalbondNYC.com. “It’s a site where you can create a profile, window-shop for a play buddy, and ‘check his references.’ Even better, if you can, go to a public event like IML, MAL or CLAW, or to a play party like the New York Bondage Club, where you can participate in a monitored space with other people around, or just watch the action. Don’t forget the motto ‘safe, sane and consensual,’ and be sure to have a safe word! And if you do want to explore bondage, take precautions. Never get tied up in your own home by someone you don’t know. If you go to his or her place, always tell a trusted friend where you are going. And when hooking up online, never use Craigslist.”

Yet more advice: “Be cautious,” said Ruff of Ruff’s Stuff blog. “There are people out there who view ‘kink newbies’ as prey. Anytime anyone—top or bottom—wants to rush into a power-exchange scene, that’s a red flag. Always get to know a person first. A good-quality connection with any potential playmate is achieved only through communication. If they are not interested in doing the legwork, they’re not the right person for you.”

Follow Metal on Twitter @MetalbondNYC; follow Amp @Pup_Amp; and follow Ruff @RuffsStuffBlog.


I’m a 28-year-old bi-curious female, and I ended a three-year straight LTR a month ago. It’s been tough—my ex is a great guy, and causing him pain has been a loss on top of my own loss, but I know I did the right thing. Among other things, our sex life was bland, and we had infrequent sex, at best. Now I want to experiment, explore nonmonogamy, and have crazy and fulfilling sex with whoever tickles my fancy.

I met a new guy two weeks ago, and the sex is incredible. We also immediately clicked and became friends. The problem? I suspect he wants a romantic relationship. He says he’s open to my terms—open/fuck-buddy situation—but things have quickly become relationship-ish. I like him, but I can’t realistically picture us being a good LTR match. I’m hoping we can figure out something in between—something like a sexual friendship where we enjoy and support each other and experiment together without tying ourselves down—but I have found very little evidence of such undefined relationships working without someone getting hurt. I am sick of hurting people! Any advice?

Hoping Open Peaceful Experiences Feel Unlike Loss

If “someone might get hurt” is the standard you’re going to apply to all future relationships—if it’s a deal-breaker—then you shouldn’t date or fuck anyone else ever again, HOPEFUL, because there’s always a chance someone is going to get hurt. The fact that hurt is always a possibility is no excuse for hurting others needlessly or maliciously; we should be thoughtful and conscientious about other people’s feelings. We should also remember that no one is clairvoyant, and that someone can hurt us without intending to. But there’s no intimate human connection, sexual or otherwise, that doesn’t leave us open to hurting or being hurt.

So fuck this guy, HOPEFUL, on your own terms—but don’t be too quick to dismiss the possibility of an LTR. Great sex and a good friendship make up a solid foundation. You’re aware that nonmonogamous relationships are an option—and couples can explore nonmonogamy together. If you can have this guy and have your sexual adventures, too—this could be the start of something big.


I’m a mid-20s, above-average-looking gay dude into spanking guys. The weird thing is, the only guys I can find to spank are straight. It’s not that they’re closeted—most of them go on to have girlfriends, and that’s when we stop—and they make it clear they don’t want anything sexual to happen. No complaints on my end! But why don’t they want a woman spanking them?

Seriously Perplexed And Needing Knowledge

How do you know their new girlfriends don’t start spanking them when you stop? And how do you know they aren’t closing their eyes and imagining that you’re a woman when you’re spanking them? And how do you know they’re not bi—at least where spankings are concerned? (Also: There are tons of gay guys out there into spanking, SPANK. So if you aren’t finding any, I can only conclude that you aren’t looking.)


I’m wondering about the application of the term “bear” to a straight man, such as myself. I’m a bigger guy with a lot of body hair and a beard. I love that in the gay community, there is a cute term for guys like me reflecting body positivity. For us straight dudes, however, being big and hairy means getting thought of as an ape—big, dumb, smelly oafs. While I can be dumb, smelly and oafish at times (like anyone), I’d also like to have a way to describe myself that is masculine yet attractive. Bear is a great term, but I’m concerned about being insensitive in appropriating it.

I haven’t asked my gay/bear friends about it (though they’ve referred to me as a bear on occasion), because I’m afraid I won’t get a straight answer (no pun intended). Would it be OK for me to refer to myself as a bear, or—as a highly privileged straight cis male—do I need to accept the fact that I can’t have everything and maybe leave something alone for fucking once?

Hetero Ape Inquiring Respectfully, Yup

“If you want to be a bear, BE A BEAR!” said Brendan Mack, an organizing member of XL Bears (xlbears.org), a social group for bears and their admirers. “DO YOU! There isn’t anything appropriative about a straight guy using the term ‘bear’ to describe himself—it’s a body type; it’s a lifestyle; and it’s celebrating yourself. Gay, straight, hairy, smooth, fat, muscled—bear is a state of mind. It’s body acceptance. It’s acceptance of who you are. So if you want to be a bear, WELCOME TO THE WOODS!”

Matt Bee, the promoter behind Bearracuda Worldwide (bearracuda.com), seconded Mack. “The term ‘bear,’ like any other animal descriptor, is a pretty playful one to begin with. Please, by all means, use it and any other well-meaning word to describe yourself!”

On the Lovecast, the robots are making your porn!: savagelovecast.com.

* Math is hard.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I am a 38-year-old lesbian, very femme, very out. I have a co-worker I can’t figure out.

We’ve worked together for a year and gotten very close. I never want to put out the wrong signals to co-workers, and I err on the side of keeping a safe but friendly distance. This is different. We are each other’s confidants at work. We stare at each other across the office; we text until late at night; and we go for weekend dog walks. Her texts aren’t overtly flirty, but they are intimate and feel more than friendly.

I’ve never had a “straight” girl act like this toward me. Is she into me? Or just needy? Is it all in my head?

Workplace Obsession Roiling Knowing-If-Nervous Gal

Five weeks ago, a letter-writer jumped down my throat for giving advice to lesbians despite not being a lesbian myself. Questions from lesbians have been pouring in ever since—lesbians apparently don’t like being told who they may or may not ask for advice.

Three weeks ago, I responded to a man whose co-worker asked him if he might want to sleep with the co-worker’s wife—a co-worker who was “not (his) boss”—and people jumped down my throat for entertaining the idea because it is NEVER EVER NEVER EVER OK to sleep with a co-worker and/or a co-worker’s spouse. And now here I am responding to a question from a lesbian who wants to sleep with a co-worker. Farewell to my mentions, as the kids say.

Here we go, WORKING …

Your straight-identified workmate could be straight, or she could be a lesbian (lots of lesbians come out later in life), or she could be bisexual (most bisexual women are closeted, and others are perceived to be straight despite their best efforts to identify as bisexual)—and lots of late-in-lifers and/or closeted folks don’t come out until some hot same-sex prospect works up the nerve to ask them out. If your co-worker isn’t currently under you at work and you’re not an imminent promotion away from becoming her supervisor and your company doesn’t incentivize workplace romances by banning them, ask your co-worker out on a date—an unambiguous ask for a date, not an appointment to meet up at the dog park. And this is important: Before she can respond to your ask, WORKING, invite her to say “no” if the answer is no, or “straight” if the identity is straight.

Good luck!


I’m a lesbian, and my partner recently reconnected with a childhood friend. At first, I felt sorry for him, as he was having a health crisis. But he’s better now, and his pushy behavior really gets to me.

He texts her at all hours—and when he can’t get in touch with her, he bugs me. When I refused to go on a trip with him and his husband, he guilt-tripped me for weeks. He constantly wants us to come to his house, but they’re chain-smokers. I’m going to Los Angeles to interview a celebrity for a project, and now he’s trying to insert himself into this trip because he wants go starfucking! He also wants to officiate at our upcoming wedding! My partner won’t stand up for me when I say no to this guy.

How can I get my partner to listen to me, or get her jackass friend to leave me be?

Can’t Think Of A Clever Acronym

Burn it down, CTOACA. Call or e-mail your partner’s old friend, and tell him you think he’s a pushy, unpleasant, smelly asshole, and that you don’t want to hang out with him—not at his place, not on a trip, and not at your wedding, which he not only won’t be officiating but, if you had your druthers, he wouldn’t be attending.

That should do it. You can’t tell your soon-to-be wife who she can’t have as a friend—that’s controlling behavior—but she can’t force you to spend time with someone you loathe.


I’m a 40-year-old lesbian in Alabama, and I work with a woman I find impossible to resist. The catch is she’s 66, straight and has two children. I love her deeply; she loves me; but we don’t have sex. She has given me a pass to sleep with whomever I like, but I’m one of those weirdos who requires an emotional connection to sleep with someone. The odd thing is that she vacillates between heavily making out with me every time we are alone together and saying, “No, I can’t; I’m straight!” Why does she do everything but sex if she’s straight?

Feeling Really Unsure Since This Remarkably Amazing Temptress Entered Domain

That nice straight lady from work is making out with you because she likes it (the thirst is real), FRUSTRATED, or she’s making out with you because she wants you in her life and believes—perhaps mistakenly—that this is the only way to hold your interest/fuel your obsession (the thirst is faked). If she likes it, then she’s a lesbian or bisexual but so invested in her heterosexual identity that she can’t “go there.” (Alabama, you said? Maybe she doesn’t feel safe being out in your community.) If she’s making out with you only because she’s lonely and values your friendship and/or enjoys the ego boost of being your obsession, then you don’t want to keep making out with her—for her sake (no one feels good after making out with someone they’d rather not be making out with) and for your own sake (those make-out sessions give you false hope and prevent you from directing your romantic and erotic energies elsewhere).


I’m a woman in my early 60s with a healthy lifestyle and an even healthier libido. I’ve had almost exclusively hetero relationships, but I’ve been attracted to women all my life, and all of my masturbation fantasies involve women. The older I get, the more I think about a relationship with a woman. The thought of being in love with a woman, making love with her, sharing a life with her—it all sounds like heaven. The trouble is that it’s really hard to see how I’ll meet women who would be interested in me. There’s rarely anyone my age on dating apps. I don’t even know what age range is reasonable.

What’s a reasonable age difference for women with women? Also, who is going to be interested in a rookie? Advice?

Energetic Lonely Dame Envisioning Relationship

Emmy Award-winning actress Sarah Paulson is 43 years old, and Emmy Award-winning actress Holland Taylor is 75—and Sarah and Holland have been girlfriends for almost three years. Emmy Award-winning talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres is 60 years old, and Screen Actors Guild Award-winning actress Portia de Rossi is 45 years old—and Ellen and Portia have been together for 13 years and married for almost 10. There are lots of non-Emmy/SAG Award-winning lesbians out there in relationships with significant age gaps—and at least one lesbian in Alabama who desperately wants to be in one. So don’t let the lack of older women on dating apps prevent you from putting yourself out there on apps and elsewhere, ELDER.

As for your rookie status, there are two examples of lesbians pining over rookies in this very column! And remember: If you put yourself out there, you might be alone a year from now—but if you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll definitely be alone a year from now.

On the Lovecast, the art of the consensual dick pic: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

My father left my mother abruptly when I was 14 years old, and he hasn’t contacted either of us since. It was a crushing blow for her, and she retreated from the world. She was never bitter about it, but it was devastating. She lost the love of her life for no apparent reason and was left completely alone, except for me. We have both done our best to forget about him.

We were extremely close for the next four years and actually slept in the same bed every night. Eventually, we began doing something that most people would consider evil, but neither of us has ever regretted. It was just something that happened. And it wasn’t something that just happened once—it went on for two years and ended only when I left to go to university. I haven’t thought about this for years, and it is something my mother and I have never discussed. She has since remarried and seems perfectly fine. But even today, we sometimes send each other friendly messages that are vaguely suggestive.

The problem is I mentioned it to my wife recently—and she went ballistic. She called me and my mother sick, moved into another bedroom and refuses to have sex with me. I wish I had never mentioned it, but it was part of a truth-or-dare session we were having.

This has been the situation for the last three months. I have finally lost my patience, and I am thinking of leaving. I have never cheated on my wife or hurt her, either physically or emotionally, and I have supported her financially while she studies at university. I have mentioned going to a counselor, but she refuses and claims that she is married to a monster and that no woman would want me. We don’t have any children—so if I were to leave, I wouldn’t be disrupting an innocent’s life.

Do you have any advice?

Truthful Revelation Unmakes Two Happy Spouses

I’m not a professional counselor, TRUTHS, but I’m gonna climb out on a limb and say that a game of truth or dare isn’t the right time to reveal an incestuous sexual relationship with a parent.

Dr. Hani Miletski and Dr. Joe Kort, on the other hand, are professionals: Dr. Miletski is a psychotherapist and a sex therapist, and Dr. Kort is a sex and relationship therapist. Both are certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, and both are authors—Dr. Miletski literally wrote the book on the subject of mother-son incest: Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists.

“There’s no wonder his wife is so upset,” said Dr. Miletski. “Sexual relations between mother and son are considered the most taboo form of incest.”

Dr. Miletski told me it isn’t uncommon for a woman who has been abandoned by her husband to turn to an adolescent son for emotional comfort.

“These women are often very insecure and needy,” said Dr. Miletski. “Unbeknownst to the son—and sometimes to the mother—the son begins to feel responsible for his mother’s well-being and emotional support. The son becomes ‘parentified’ and is treated by his mother as a substitute husband. Occasionally, this close relationship between a mother and her son evolves into a sexual relationship, and the substitute husband becomes her lover as well. The situation described in this letter sounds exactly like that. And while I’m glad this man believes he has not been affected by this boundary violation, (the fact that he and his mother are) sending suggestive messages to each other may suggest otherwise.”

Dr. Miletski prefers not to use terms like “abuse” or “trauma” unless the person involved uses those terms themselves—which you didn’t, TRUTHS, but I’m going to go ahead and use them. Here goes: You say you have no regrets, and you don’t mention feeling traumatized by the experience, but the absence of trauma doesn’t confer some sort of retroactive, after-the-fact immunity on your mother. She is responsible for her actions—actions that were abusive and highly likely to leave you traumatized.

“In the mental-health field, we have a growing body of work showing that not everyone who is abused is necessarily traumatized,” said Dr. Kort. “I have seen countless men who have been sexually abused by their mothers who do not label it as abuse, because they were not traumatized. But his mother seduced him, dismissing the sexual and emotional needs of a teenage boy. There is no other way to describe this other than abuse, however consensual he may have perceived it to be at the time.”

But that was then, TRUTHS. What do you do about your situation now?

“Unfortunately, I don’t think his wife will ever be able to put this revelation behind her,” said Dr. Miletski. “I think his best bet is to leave her, move on and seek therapy. A therapist will help him deal with the emotional upset of the breakup with his wife, as well as process what happened with his mother.”

Dr. Kort sees some hope—albeit slim—for your marriage.

“To gain empathy and compassion from his wife, TRUTHS should be willing to listen to her concerns, fear and anger,” said Dr. Kort. “He also needs to invite her to have compassion and empathy for the vulnerable position he was in—but he cannot do that until he has some compassion for himself. Untreated, the abuse he suffered from his mother, as well as the loss and grief over his father, could be troubling to his wife and their relationship. Perhaps if he ever has children, the reality of the abuse will hit him. Parents don’t have children to turn them into lovers.”

And, once again, people probably shouldn’t reveal incestuous relationships to their current partner during a game of truth or dare.

You can find Dr. Miletski’s books and learn more about her work at DrMiletski.com. You can find Dr. Kort’s books and learn more about his work at JoeKort.com and on Twitter @drjoekort.


I’m writing you to ask about a friend of mine. He’s a gifted artist who hasn’t truly dedicated himself to his art. It’s as if he’s afraid of success. He’s also a so-called “womanizer,” and every time he meets an interesting woman who’s into him, he inevitably fucks it up. For this reason and some others (that I won’t mention), I believe he’s a repressed homosexual.

Let’s just assume that he is. Every time we talk, maybe once or twice a year, he recounts his latest fuckups with women (and everything else). During the last call, I was very close to asking him if he was sure about his sexual orientation.

I believe that what makes him unable to face this aspect of his life is interfering with everything else, too. I would like to be able to talk openly about it with him without hurting him. Do you have any tips?

Artist Failing At Relationships

Sometimes a cigar isn’t just a cigar—but an unsuccessful heterosexual is almost always just that. Unless the details you didn’t share include, say, a massive collection of gay porn, or messy closet-case classics like drunken lunges at male friends or running for Congress on a “family values” platform, your friend will have to remain in the hetero column for now.

That said, if you believe a solid gay ass-pounding would jar loose the professional and romantic success that has thus far eluded your friend, go ahead and ask him if he’s a “repressed homosexual.” It might cost you his friendship, AFAR, but someone who calls only once or twice a year to recount his romantic fuckups doesn’t sound like much of a friend anyway.

No way! On the Lovecast, it’s Sarah Silverman!: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I’m a professional dominatrix, and I thought I’d seen everything in the last five years. But this situation completely baffled the entire dungeon.

This middle-aged guy, seemingly in fine health, booked an appointment with me and my colleague for one hour of some very light play and a golden shower to finish off with. We did no CBT, no cock rings, no trauma to the dick area at all, no ass play, no sounding or catheters, no turbulent masturbation, nothing that could have caused this reaction. We brought him into the bathroom, and he laid down on his back, jerking off with a condom on his penis as my buddy was standing over him and peeing, while I was saying all kinds of mean/encouraging sentiments and closely observing his progress.

He came and … it was entirely blood. He did not seem alarmed or in pain. He took off his condom himself, so he was aware of the situation. He did not remark on it to either of us! He made ZERO effort to prepare either of us, either. And it was not a little blood in his ejaculate—it was entirely blood.

He has never returned. Is this person a monster or a vampire? Is he dying? Seriously.

By the way: I went back to the bathroom with gloves on and removed the used condom from the trash and took a photo. It’s the only way to communicate just how much blood there was.

Mistress Echo

“You can tell Mistress Echo that her client was not a monster or a vampire, and he is likely not dying anytime soon,” said Dr. Stephen H. King, a board-certified urologist. “What she observed is a person with hematospermia, meaning blood in the semen.”

While the sight is alarming—I’ll never be able to scrape that photo off the back of my eyeballs, thanks—Dr. King assures me that it’s nothing to worry about, as hematospermia is almost always benign. And even if you had done ball play or rough CBT (cock and ball torture), or if he engaged in solo CBT prior to the session, it’s unlikely that kind of play would result in a condom full of blood.

“The vast majority of the semen actually comes from the prostate and the seminal vesicles, which are located deep in the pelvis just behind and below the bladder, respectively,” said Dr. King. “Very little of the ejaculate fluid actually originates from the testicles,” which primarily pump out hormones and sperm cells. “The prostate gland and seminal vesicles (also glands) store up the fluids and can become overdistended with long periods of abstinence and prone toward micro-tearing and bleeding in this circumstance.”

Blowing regular loads doesn’t just lower your risk of prostate cancer, as multiple studies have shown; it also lowers your risk of filling condoms with blood and alarming your friendly neighborhood pro-Dom. Those are two good reasons for draining those balls, guys—and other people with balls because, as the Book of Tumblr teaches us, not all guys have balls, and not all balls have guys.

“Also, these glands are lined by smooth muscle that contracts to force out the fluid (during ejaculation),” Dr. King continued. “If the force of contraction is excessive—a fucking great orgasm—this may lead toward rupture of some of the surrounding blood vessels, and blood will enter the semen.”

Your client’s blasé reaction is a good indication that he’s experienced this previously, ME, because most guys who see blood in their semen—or only blood when they expected to see semen—freak the fuck out.

“In my practice, most guys who see blood in their ejaculate the first time are sufficiently freaked out to seek immediate medical attention, and their doctors usually tell them this isn’t something to worry about—unless it persists,” said Dr. King. “In cases where the hematospermia persists, gets worse, or is associated with other symptoms such as pain, difficulty urinating, or general health decline, medical attention is definitely recommended.”

Back to your client, ME: If blood loads have happened to him before (hence the blasé reaction), proper etiquette dictates that he should have said something to you about it afterward. (“I’m fine; no biggie.”) If it happens to him regularly, he should have warned you in advance—at least that’s what it says in my imaginary edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette.


I’m an old guy, 68 years old to be exact. (Also a Scorpio, if that matters.) I’ve always been a pretty horny person, and I had a lot of fun from the 1960s through the 1980s with a number of lovers. I figured that as I got older, my horniness would lessen, and I could think about something other than pussy. Trouble is, I don’t seem to be less horny.

I find myself attracted to women in their 30s or 40s, but I wonder how I appear to them. I don’t want to make an utter fool of myself by making an unwanted advance—but the truth is, I’m still pretty hot to trot. What do I do?

Not Ready For The Nursing Home

You could see sex workers (quickest fix); you could look for women in their 30s or 40s who are attracted to guys pushing 70 (gerontophilia is a thing); you could date women in their 50s or 60s with a youthful appearance and/or attitude (there are lots out there, NRFTNH, and they often gather in groups to complain about how men their age are only interested in much younger women); or you could do all of the above.

But you shouldn’t regard moving into a nursing home as the end of your sex life, NRFTNH. I’m constantly reading news reports about sexually transmitted disease epidemics in nursing homes and retirement communities. People may not like to think about the elderly having sex—and the elderly apparently don’t think about protection (or they’re denied access to it)—but lots of old fuckers are still fucking. (And, as astrology is bullshit, NRFTNH, being a Scorpio doesn’t matter. It never has, and it never will.)


My husband has a foot fetish. The feel of his tongue between my toes when he “worships” my feet doesn’t arouse me in the least. Rather, it feels like I’m stepping on slugs in the garden barefoot. Our sex life is fine otherwise.

I resolved to grin (or grimace) and bear this odd aspect of his sexuality before we married, but I cannot continue to do so. When I told him this, he asked to be allowed to attend “foot model” parties. There wouldn’t be intercourse, but he would pleasure himself in the presence of these foot models (and other males!). This would, in my opinion, violate our monogamous commitment and our marriage vows.

I enjoy your podcast, and I know you often advocate for open relationships. But you also emphasize your respect for monogamy and the validity of monogamous commitments. We are at an impasse. Please advise.

Throwing Off Expectations

While “love unconditionally” sounds nice, TOE, monogamy was a condition of yours going into this marriage (and a valid one), and being able to express this aspect of his sexuality was a stated or implicit condition of his (and, yes, an equally valid one). If you’re going to unilaterally alter the terms and conditions of your marriage, TOE, then you’ll need to reopen negotiations and come to a new agreement with your husband, one that works for both of you. (Jesus, lady, let him go to the fucking party!)

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood: savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I’m a 67-year-old gay man. After a breakup 15 years ago, I believed the possibility of emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner was over for me. Then a couple of months ago, my desire for sexual contact increased dramatically. For the first time, I began using apps, and I felt like the proverbial kid in a candy store. It seemed strangely similar to when I first came out in San Francisco’s Castro neighborhood in the early 1970s. Also, I was surprised—not unpleasantly—by the whole Daddy phenomenon, never imagining that this old face and body would interest younger men. You can probably guess what happened next: I was contacted by a 22-year-old man who revealed himself to be mature, intelligent, sweet and, fatally, the physical type that arouses me most. I fell hard, and he seems to like me, too. Am I a creep? A fool? Is my judgment impaired?

Dumb And Daddy

The sexy “Daddy” thing—which has always been with us—seems to be undergoing a resurgence. Perhaps our omnipresent abusive orange father figure is giving us all daddy issues that are manifesting (in some) as a burning desire to service kinder, sexier, more benevolent daddies. Or perhaps the Internet is to blame—not for creating more people interested in intergenerational sex and/or romance, but for making it easier for people to anonymously seek out the kind of sex and kinds of sex partners they truly want. Even if the initial looking is anonymous, DAD, discussing one’s desires with others who share them helps people grow more comfortable with their desires and themselves—nothing melts away shame quite like knowing you’re not alone—and more people are coming out about their non-normative sexual desires, partner preferences, relationship models, etc., than ever before.

That said, DAD, if the affection of a consenting adult 40-plus years your junior is your particular perk of aging, go ahead and enjoy it. Keep your expectations realistic (a successful STR is likelier than a successful LTR); don’t do anything stupid (see Father Clements, below); and reacquaint yourself with my constantly updated and revised Campsite Rule: When there’s a significant age and/or experience gap, the older and/or more-experienced person has a responsibility to leave the younger and/or less-experienced person in better shape than they found them—no unplanned or planned pregnancies, no sexually transmitted infections, no leading the younger partner to believe “forever” is likely. Do what you can to boost their knowledge, skills and self-confidence while you’re together, and do your best to stick the nearly inevitable dismount—the chances that you’ll be together forever are slim, but you can forever be a friend, mentor and resource.

While the age difference will creep some out, DAD, that doesn’t mean you’re a creep. Don’t want to be a fool? Don’t do anything foolish (see Father Clements, below). Worried about infatuation-impaired judgment leading you to do something foolish? Ask a few trusted friends to smack you upside the head if you start paying his rent or lending him your credit cards. And just as you don’t want to take advantage of this young man, DAD, you don’t want to be taken advantage of, either. We associate age with power, but youth and beauty confer their own kinds of power, and that power can be abused—it can also lead seemingly sensible men to sign their life savings over to 24-year-old Romanian “models.”

For example: “A 79-year-old retired priest has been left heartbroken and homeless after his 24-year-old husband left him just after their home was put into his name,” LGBTQ Nation reported. “Philip Clements sold his home in Kent, England, for £214,750, before moving to Romania and purchasing an apartment for the couple to live in, in Bucharest. He signed over the property to Florin Marin, so that Marin would have security after he passed away. … Marin broke things off just weeks after the apartment was put in his name, and Clements found himself homeless.”

Keep Father Clements’s sad story in mind, DAD, but don’t be paralyzed by it, because there are lots of examples of loving, lasting, non-creepy, non-foolish relationships between partners with significant age gaps out there. So enjoy this while it lasts, and if things start to get creepy—if he starts shopping for an apartment in Bucharest—then you’ll have to pull the plug. But if this turns into a loving, lasting, healthy and unconventional LTR, DAD, then one day he’ll get to pull your plug. (When that day comes, which hopefully won’t be for a long, long time.)


Someone at work—not my boss—asked me to fuck his wife. He’s a nice guy; his wife is hot; and I’m single. This is a first for me. Besides STI status, what questions should I ask?

Help Interested Straight Boy Understand Lust’s Limitations

1. “Are you a cuckold, or is this a hotwife thing?” (Considering your sign-off, HISBULL, either you’ve assumed he’s a cuckold, or he’s told you he is one. If he is a cuck, he may want dirty texts and pictures—or he’ll want to be in the room where it happens. Is that OK with you?)

2. “Have you done this before?” (The reality of another person sleeping with your up-to-now-monogamous spouse can dredge up intense emotions, e.g., jealousy, sadness, anger, rage. If they’ve done this before and enjoyed it, you can jump right in. If they haven’t, maybe start with a make-out session at a time or in a place where you can’t progress to sex.)

3. “Can I speak directly with your wife?” (You’ll want to make sure she isn’t doing this under duress, and that she’s into you, and you’ll want to independently verify the things he’s told you about their arrangement, health, experiences, etc.)


I recently started seeing a gorgeous 24-year-old woman who’s smart and sweet and also happens to have a few out-there fetishes. There’s not much I’ll say no to, Dan, but one of the things she’s into is formicophilia—a sexual interest in being crawled on or nibbled on by insects. I offered to get some ants and worms to crawl on her body while I fuck her, but she wants me to put earthworms in her vagina. Is there a safe way to do this? A female condom? I want to help, but putting worms in your vagina seems like it will end with an embarrassing trip to the ER.

Worries Over Really Messy Scenario

“I thought I had heard everything,” said Dr. Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco. “Apparently not.”

Dr. Gunter, “Twitter’s resident gynecologist,” first went viral when she urged women not to put jade eggs in their vaginas, just one of the many idiocies pushed by the idiots at Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s idiotic “lifestyle” website. Recently, Dr. Gunter had to urge women and men not to shoot coffee up their butts, also recommended by Goop. So I thought she might have something to say about stuffing earthworms in your girlfriend’s vagina.

“This is obviously unstudied,” Dr. Gunter said, “but anything that lives in soil could easily inoculate the vagina with pathogenic bacteria. Also, I am not sure what earthworm innards could do to the vagina, but I am guessing the worms would get squished and meet an untimely demise during sex. How would you get the pieces of dead earthworm out of her vagina? I can think of a lot of ways this could go very wrong. I would advise against it.”

I’m with Dr. Gunter (and, no doubt, PETA): Don’t stuff earthworms in your girlfriend’s vagina. That said, WORMS, tucking a few earthworms into a female condom and carefully inserting it into your girlfriend’s vagina without shoving your cock in there, too … is a thoroughly disgusting thing to contemplate and blech. But while it would most likely kill the earthworms (maybe switch ’em out for gummy worms at the last second?), it probably wouldn’t damage your girlfriend or land you both in the ER. Even so, WORMS, don’t do it. Because blech.

Read Dr. Gunter’s blog (drjengunter.wordpress.com); follow her on Twitter (@DrJenGunter); and check out her new column in The New York Times (The Cycle).

On the Lovecast: Finally, a toy to help you DO YOUR KEGELS! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I married my high-school sweetheart at 17; we had a baby and were together a few years; mental illness and subsequent infidelity led to things ending. My ex-husband remarried, divorced again, and is now in another LTR. I’m in an LTR for a decade with my current partner (CP); we have a few kids, and I’m so in love with him that it terrifies me.

My ex frequently makes sexual remarks to me—low-key flirts. I feel an animal attraction in the moment. Whatever. I don’t want to be with him; my relationship with CP is solid AF, and I get amazing fucking at home from a man far more skilled. CP knows about ex-husband’s remarks and one actual physical advance. CP has offered to talk to my ex. I told him nah, I’ll deal with it and make it stop. I talked to my ex-husband today, and he said: “I’m sorry; it’s just teasing, I won’t make an actual move ever again, but you’re the only woman I ever just look at and get immediately hard for, and it’s only a few more years before our kid is fully grown and we don’t see each other anymore. So humor me, because you know we both enjoy it.” And it’s true that I do enjoy it. But how harmful is it to engage in flirty banter without any touching, nudity or worse?

I hate having secrets, as I feel they are barriers to intimacy, but I’m a 30-something mom and it is so fucking unbearably sexy to be made to feel so desirable even after all that shit between us, and it’ll never, ever happen because hell no am I sleeping with my ex-hubby, but knowing this man will never get a whiff of my pussy again but can’t help but beg for it with his eyes gives me a sense of power like I’ve never fucking felt before—but even so, I don’t want to be a terrible person for hiding this from my CP, because I don’t like having secrets from him, but this is just one that turns me on to no end, but I should nip this in the bud and put a stop to it yesterday because it’s wrong, right?

Secret Longings Utterly Titillating

I love a good run-on sentence—grammar fetishists are going to get off on diagramming that doozy you closed with—so I’m going to give it a shot, too: I don’t see the harm in enjoying your ex-husband’s flirtations so long as you’re certain you’ll never, ever take him up on his standing offer, but you are playing with fire here, SLUT, so pull on a pair of asbestos panties when you know you’ll be seeing your ex-hubby, and I don’t think you should feel bad about this secret, because while honesty is great generally, and while the keeping of secrets is frowned upon by advice professionals reflexively, SLUT, a little mystery, a little distance, a little erotic autonomy keeps our sex lives with long-term partners hot—even monogamous relationships—so instead of seeing this secret as a barrier to intimacy, SLUT, remind yourself that the erotic charge you get from your ex-hubby—the way he makes you feel desirable—benefits your CP, because he’s the one who will be getting a big, fat whiff of your pussy when you get home, and there’s nothing wrong with that, right?


I’ve been with my girlfriend “J” for two years. Her best friend “M” is a gay man she’s known since high school. M and I have hung out many times. He seems cool, but lately, I’ve been wondering if he and J are fucking behind my back. For starters, J and I rarely have sex anymore. Even a kiss on the cheek happens less than once a week. Meanwhile, J’s Facebook feed has pictures of M grabbing her tits outside of a gay club in front of her sister. She told me he’s spent the night in her room, even though he lives only a few miles away. I’ve also recently found out that although M has a strong preference for men, he considers himself bisexual.

I understand that everyone loves tits, even if they’re not turned on by them, and gay men can sleep with a girl and actually just … sleep. I also know that her antidepressants can kill sex drive. All three things at once feel like more than just coincidence, though. At the very least, the PDAs seem disrespectful. At worst, I’m a blind fool who’s been replaced. Am I insecure, or is there something to these worries?

You Pick The Acronym I Gotta Get To Work

Your girlfriend’s best friend isn’t gay, YPTAIGGTW; he’s bisexual—so, yeah, it’s entirely possible M is fucking your girlfriend, since fucking girls is something bisexual guys do, and, according to one study, they’re better at it. (Australian women who had been with both bi and straight guys ranked their bi male partners as more attentive lovers, more emotionally available, and better dads, according to the results of a study published in 2016.)

While we can’t know for sure whether M is fucking J, YPTAIGGTW, we do know who she isn’t fucking: you. If the sex is rare, and a kiss—on the cheek—is a once-a-week occurrence, it’s time to pull the plug. Yes, antidepressants can be a libido-killer. They can also be a dodge. If your girlfriend doesn’t regard the lack of sex as a problem and isn’t working on a fix—if she’s prioritizing partying with her bisexual bestie over talking to her doc and adjusting her meds, if she hasn’t offered you some sort of accommodation/outlet/work-around for the lack of sex—trust your gut, and get out.


I’m a recently divorced woman with a high libido. Now that I’m single, I’ve come out as a kinkster. I quickly met someone who swept me off my feet—smart, funny, sexy, proudly pervy and experienced in the BDSM scene—and soon, he declared himself as my Dom, and I assumed the sub role. This was hot as hell at first. I loved taking his orders, knowing how much my subservience pleased him, and surprising myself with just how much pain and humiliation I could take.

However, his fantasies quickly took a darker turn. When I say I’m uncomfortable with the extremely transgressive territory he wants to explore, he says, “I’m your master, and you take my orders.” I think this is shitty form—the bottom should always set the limits. When we’re in play, he says that I chose him as my top precisely because I wanted to see how far I could go, and that it’s his job to push me out of my comfort zone. I think he’s twisting my words. Arguing over limits mid-scene makes us both frustrated and angry. I’m not in any physical danger, but his requests (if carried out) could ruin some of my existing relationships.

Did I blow it by not giving him a list of my hard limits in advance of becoming his sub? Or is he just a shitty, inconsiderate top trying to take advantage of a novice? After play, he checks in to see if I’m OK, which on the surface looks like great form—aftercare and all—but this also feels manipulative.

How can I pull things back to where I’m comfortable? Do I run from the scene—or just this guy?

Tired Of Overreaching From A Shitty Top

A top who reopens negotiations about limits and what’s on the BDSM menu during a scene—a time when the sub will feel tremendous pressure to, well, submit—is not a top you can trust. The same goes for a top who makes demands that, if obeyed, could ruin their sub’s relationships with family, friends, other partners, etc.

Run from this guy, TOOFAST, but not from the scene. There are better tops out there. Go find one.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world!

I’m a woman who’s very open-minded when it comes to trying new things: I’ve had threesomes and foursomes, and have tried every toy on the market; I’ve done anal sex, BDSM and many other things.

He is sexually experienced, but he’s not open-minded. One thing he won’t do is kiss me after I’ve swallowed his load. We’ve been together only four months, so maybe I just need to wait and hope that he’ll come around. Or is there something I can do to get him to try it?

Can’t Unicorn Man Up?

If that’s the only thing he won’t do—if every toy on the market is on the table, along with threesomes, foursomes, BDSM, etc.—then he’s pretty adventurous. But if kissing after you’ve swallowed is the only mildly kinky thing you’ve attempted with him, and it was a no, he may not be adventurous enough to deserve unicorn status. But I will say this in his defense …

Kissing someone who has just swallowed your load (or snowballing with someone who wants you to swallow your own load) presents a challenge for many men. Some silly straight men worry that tasting their own come will turn them gay or make them look gay—I’ve gotten letters from girlfriends who thought their boyfriends were gay because they were too willing to kiss them after a blowjob. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to deep-kiss the guy who just blew them—and they’re obviously not worried about turning gay (already are) or seeming gay (ditto). So what gives?

Blame what’s known as the “refractory period,” CUMU. Immediately after a man ejaculates, his dick starts to go soft, and he loses all interest in sex—hormones have been released into his bloodstream that short-circuit sexual arousal. Bodily fluids and orifices a man was happily lapping up or at a minute ago are suddenly repulsive, not because the dude is necessarily inhibited or insecure, CUMU, but because he’s having his period—his refractory period.


I’ve been seeing this guy who keeps making D/s-ish jokes and moves—he smacks my butt a lot, for example. When I let him know I like it, he’s suddenly not into it. He says it’s “disturbing” that I like what he’s been doing.

Two questions: (1) Smacking my butt is OK so long as I don’t want it? (2) Enjoying what he’s doing makes me a freak?

Joking About Consensual Kinks

Two options: (1) He goes in for domineering head games and “playful” violence because he’s abusive and controlling. (2) He’s got kinks, but he hasn’t managed to incorporate his kinks into his sex life in a healthy, consensual manner—and now that he knows you enjoy the same things he does (but you’re healthier about them than he is), he’s projecting his self-loathing onto you.

Either way, JACK, you’re going to need to DTMFA.


You recently said it’s OK to fantasize about other people so long as we keep it to ourselves. Social media and dating apps have given us access to tons of spank material, from that new crush on OkCupid to the (monogamously) married neighbor you always wanted to bang. In this era, we can see actual pictures of the people we’re fantasizing about more often than not.

Facebook stalking for spank-bank purposes is fine—we all do it—but does it cross a line to actually download the pictures for later? I feel like it’s at least a little creepy to be taking screenshots of people’s photos. But as long as you’re the only one using your phone, what’s the practical difference between looking at Facebook and looking at saved screenshots?

Screenshot Porn As New Kontent

Keep whatever you want on your phone, SPANK, so long as you keep it to yourself, and your phone is password-protected.


I am a 29-year-old straight woman on the West Coast in a new relationship. My boyfriend and I have just begun exploring anal sex. Question: HOW DO I AVOID POOP LEAKAGE?!? The first time we had anal sex, my boyfriend came in my ass and then pulled out. Then we decided to go for a run. (We didn’t think it through, CLEARLY.) A few minutes in, I was leaking all over my pants. In short, GROSS.

Obviously it wasn’t a good idea to go for a run afterward (NOTED!), but what can I do in the future immediately after anal to avoid poopy come from leaking out of my butt?

Anal Newbie Avoiding Leakage

Yeah, don’t go for a run immediately after anal. Spend a few minutes on the toilet instead—bring your phone; post something to Instagram; let gravity do its thing.

And that wasn’t poop leaking out of you on that run, ANAL; it was santorum—“the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”


No one aroused by BDSM could ever truly love someone, could they?

Violence Isn’t Love, Eh?

Of course not, VILE. Only the Duggar girls and Princess Diana’s boys are capable of truly loving someone. The rest of us are just playing.


My boyfriend complains that our sex life is too vanilla. I want him to be satisfied, but he won’t tell me what else he wants to do.

Recently, he suggested an open relationship. I don’t want to be in an open relationship, and I told him as much. But I’m fully open to being more kinky or whatever else he needs. I’ve tried mixing it up, but he just looks at me strangely and asks me to stop whatever I’m doing.

Can I do anything to fix this? Any insight would be appreciated.

I’m Not Good At Acronyms

He knows what he wants, and he can’t or won’t tell you. Either he can’t because he’s so sexually repressed that he’s incapable of pushing the words out of his mouth, or he won’t because his non-vanilla desires are so extreme as to be deal-breaker-level repulsive to anyone who doesn’t share them. But complaining about your sex life without elaborating or giving you any constructive feedback at all is disqualifying assholery, INGAA. You’ll also have to DTMFA.


I just read your reply to a woman who wrote to you regarding her partner’s lack of libido. Although I found the article somewhat interesting, I would have preferred that a woman who was an actual lesbian was rendering advice to other lesbians. As a man, you are not qualified to deal out sex advice to women—especially to lesbians.

Stating This Obvious Point

Take it away, Free Dictionary: “ad•vice: opinion about what could or should be done about a situation or problem.” The only qualification you need to give someone your opinion? Someone asked you for it. Full stop, STOP. So I’m going to continue giving advice to straight people despite not being straight, to lesbians despite not being a lesbian, to bisexuals despite not being bi, to trans people despite not being trans, and to monogamous people despite not being monogamous. Hell, I sometimes give advice to Republicans despite not being a heartless idiot.

Give the gift of the magnum Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com!

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

I am a 22-year-old Italian man—100 percent straight, sensitive and sporty. I have been reading Savage Love for years in Internazionale. I have one question for you: Why do I always fall in love with lesbians? Why do I instantly fall in love with girls who have that something more in their eyes? Something melancholy and perhaps insecure? Girls whom I’d rather protect and embrace than take to bed?

The last three girls who fit this description all turned out to be lesbians. The last girl with whom this happened told me it was my “Red Cross” mindset that made me fall in love with girls who are insecure/sad/melancholy, so I have a sort of selection bias that excludes most straight girls I meet. I do not believe this, because the world is full of straight girls who need saving. So why then, Dan? WHY?

I have a girlfriend. I truly love her. Since September, we have been living in two different cities, because she went away to study. I am afraid that one day, she is going to tell me she’s gay, too. She always talks with me about a new super-cute female friend. Is she a lesbian? I have recently met another girl, super empathetic. She is gay, and I knew it after an all-night conversation in my car listening to (the band) Cigarettes After Sex. Why do I always fall in love with gay girls? Can I love two people at the same time? This is the fourth time that this has happened. Is my girlfriend gay? Why do I find lesbians so attractive? I’m freaking.

Increasingly Tormented About Lesbian Yearnings

There’s a lot going on in your letter, ITALY, so I’m going to take your questions one at a time …

1. Maybe you always fall in love with lesbians, or maybe this was a series of coincidences—by pure chance, you fell for more than one woman who turned out to be a lesbian—and, hey, since you’re probably going to love a few more women over the course of your life, ITALY, that “always” seems a bit premature.

It’s also possible you find women with a certain degree of masculine energy and/or swagger attractive, and women with that swagger are somewhat likelier to be lesbians, slightly upping your chances of falling in love with four girls-who-turned-out-to-be-lesbians in a row.

Personally, ITALY, I’m attracted to guys with a certain degree of feminine swagger, and needless to say, these guys are likelier to be gay. While almost all effeminate guys are gay—so stigmatized is femininity in males (even in the gay community)—masculine swagger in women is less stigmatized and therefore somewhat less likely to correlate as strongly with lesbianism. Women with masculine swagger and men with feminine swagger are also likely to be self-conscious about their gender-nonconforming traits, particularly when they’re young and/or not yet out, and that can read as melancholy and/or insecurity.

2. Women—straight or bi or lesbian—don’t need “saving.” They need respect; they need to be taken seriously; they need bodily autonomy; and they need loving partners and political allies.

3. Your girlfriend may be a lesbian—anyone could in these highly fluid days, even me. But if your girlfriend isn’t straight, ITALY, she’s likelier to be bisexual, seeing as there are roughly three times as many bi women as there are lesbian women. And if she seems gayer now than when you met, that could be because you landed a straight girl who had been suppressing her masculine swagger—which many men don’t find attractive—and she’s consciously or subconsciously come to the realization that she doesn’t have to play the girly girl around you to hold your attention. Quite the opposite, in fact.

4. It’s entirely possible to love more than one person at a time. Just as we are capable of loving more than one parent, child, sibling, friend and television show at a time (you know I love you both equally, Lady Dynamite and The Crown), we can love more than one romantic partner at a time. But we’re told that romantic love is a zero-sum game so often—if someone wins, someone else loses—that it has become a self-fulfilling/relationship-destroying prophecy. It’s a myth that harms not just people who might want to be with two people, but partnered monogamous people as well. A person who is convinced he can feel romantic love for only one person at a time will doubt his love for a long-term partner if he develops a crush on someone new. He’ll say to himself, “I couldn’t possibly feel this way about this barista if I was still in love with my partner of 10 years.” But those feelings can exist side by side—stable, secure, lasting love for a long-term partner, and an intense infatuation (most likely fleeting) for a new person.

5. Cigarettes After Sex were on a boat in the Arabian Sea—they sent the pics to prove it—when I reached them about your dilemma. Drummer Jacob Tomsky said: “About loving more than one person at the same time, a Gabriel García Márquez quote from Love in the Time of Cholera comes to mind: ‘My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse.’ Your heart will surprise you with its duplicity.” Or its capacity. Keyboardist Phillip Tubbs wanted to share a Morrissey line with you: “’Cause I want the one I can’t have and it’s driving me mad.” Lead singer Greg Gonzalez declined to comment.

6. Maybe it’s not an accident that you keep falling for lesbians. There are lots of straight men out there who have a thing for dykes. It’s entirely possible that you aren’t worried your girlfriend is a lesbian, ITALY, but secretly hoping she is.

Good luck!


My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have had an open relationship from fairly early on, but it’s only in the last six months that he’s started using various gentlemen’s apps for meeting new guys. We don’t share apps or have threesomes; our dalliances are solo affairs, and that works for us.

I snuck a look at his phone and I was horrified—the dick pics he’s sharing are terrible: Poorly lit and with bad angles, they completely do not do justice to his cock. His face pics are great, but I really feel like he’s underselling what else he has to offer. How can I help him take better junk shots without revealing that I’ve been looking at his phone?

Doesn’t Instinctively Capture Photographic Instant Classics, Sadly

You could tell your boyfriend you made a joint appointment with a photographer—perhaps as a Hanukkah/Solstice/Christmas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan present—because you thought you should both have Sears-Portrait-Studio-quality-or-better dick pics to share with your prospective hookups, DICPICS … or you could let your boyfriend’s hookups be pleasantly surprised when your boyfriend drops his drawers.


Are you really whining about having a president you don’t like in office? Is that so terrible that you have to get little digs in every week? That’s the problem with you liberals—you’re a bunch of wimps. Man up, dude.

Make America Strong Again

Gee, I don’t recall any whining from you right-wing he-men back when a black guy who didn’t collude with a hostile foreign power and wasn’t poisoning our air and water and didn’t undermine our Democratic norms and wasn’t surrounded by a cadre of deeply corrupt sycophants was president—you guys were so stoic during the Obama years, so he-manly. You ova’d up; you didn’t whine or moan; you didn’t spread wild conspiracy theories or march on Washington waving signs that proved you were every bit as misinformed as you are illiterate.

(Wake up, dude.)

Give the gift of the magnum Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com!

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.; @fakedansavage on Twitter; ITMFA.org.

Page 1 of 2