CVIndependent

Mon06252018

Last updateWed, 27 Sep 2017 1pm

Savage Love

11 Apr 2018
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I’m a 36-year-old straight woman. I was sexually and physically abused as a kid, and raped in my early 20s. I have been seeing a great therapist for the last five years, and I am processing things and feeling better than I ever have. I was in a long-term relationship that ended about two years ago. I started dating this past year, but I’m not really clicking with anyone. I’ve had a lot of first dates, but nothing beyond that. My problem is that I’d really love to get laid. The idea of casual sex and one-night stands sounds great—but in reality, moving that quickly with someone I don’t know or trust freaks me out, causes me to shut down, and prevents me from enjoying anything. Even thinking about going home with someone causes me to panic. When I was in a relationship, the sex was great. But now that…
04 Apr 2018
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I visited Royal Oak, Mich., for Savage Love Live at the Royal Oak Music Theatre. I didn’t get to all of the questions submitted by the large and tipsy crowd—a crowd that skipped the Stormy Daniels interview on 60 Minutes to spend the evening with me (so honored, you guys!)—so I’m going to race through as many of the unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column. Here we go … Is there a way of breaking my cycle of being totally sexual and into someone for the first six months, and then shutting down to the point that I don’t want to be sexual with them at all? What’s wrong with me? Breaking a long-established pattern may require the aid of a therapist who can help you unpack your damage—if, indeed, this is about damage. Because it’s possible this could be the way your libido works; you could…
28 Mar 2018
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I’m in a D/s relationship. I’m not submissive around the clock, but my partner owns my cock. We’ve purchased several male chastity devices, but I can pretty easily get my cock out of them. My partner did some investigating and learned that the only effective devices work with a Prince Albert piercing—a ring through the head of the penis that locks into the device, preventing the sub from pulling his cock out. My partner now wants me to get a PA. I don’t want to get my cock pierced, and I’ve said so, but I haven’t safe-worded on it. I would very reluctantly do it to please her. My partner made an appointment for a piercing three months from now, on our second anniversary. She told me that we can cancel it if I can find an effective chastity device that doesn’t require a piercing. Do you or any of…
21 Mar 2018
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I’m a 26-year-old cis queer woman. My best friend has identified publicly as asexual for the past two years. She constantly talks about how since she doesn’t “need” sex, this means she is asexual. She does have sex, however, and she enjoys it, which I know isn’t disqualifying. But she also actively seeks out sex partners and sex. Again, she insists that because she doesn’t “need” sex the way she presumes the rest of us do, she is asexual. I have an issue with this. I’ve never had partnered sex and never really felt the need or desire for it. I’m plenty happy with emotional intimacy from others and masturbation for my sexual needs, and I do not particularly desire a romantic or sexual partner. My friend gets offended if anyone questions her label, which occurs often in our friend group, as people try to understand her situation. I usually…
14 Mar 2018
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I’m a 33-year-old woman from Melbourne, Australia, dating a 24-year-old man. We’ve been dating for about eight months; it is exclusive and official. He’s kind and sweet, caring and giving—and his penis is divine. The thing is, he confessed to me recently that he doesn’t really “feel.” The way he explained it is: The only emotions he feels are fear and anxiousness that he’ll disappoint the people he cares about. He says he’s never been in love. He said his dad is the same way. The only time I see him really “feel” is when he’s high, which he is semi-frequently. He uses MDMA, and he comes alive. He seems the way a “normal” person does when they’re in love, but when he’s sober, it’s like he’s trying to mimic the things a person in love would say or do. I confessed I am falling in love with him recently…
07 Mar 2018
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I’m an 18-year-old cis hetero girl from Australia, and I’ve been listening to your podcast and reading your column since I was 13. Thanks to you, I’m pretty open-minded about my sexuality and body. Having said that, I do have a few questions. I started watching porn from a youngish age with no real shame attached, but I have some concerns. 1. I get off really quickly to lesbian porn, but it never feels like a “good” orgasm. My guess is that subconsciously, I think it’s inauthentic and therefore degrading. 2. I really enjoy and have the best orgasms to vintage gay male porn and trans FTM porn, which seems odd to me, because I’m so far removed from the sexual acts that these kinds of porn movies portray, but I always feel satisfied after getting off to them. 3. I get off to tit-slapping videos, but it screws with…
28 Feb 2018
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I recently stumbled on an Instagram account of a young woman who’s a “knife play” enthusiast. I consider myself sex-positive, but I must say I was disturbed by the images. I was also shocked that I didn’t know this was a thing! But of course it’s a thing, cuz everything is a thing, right? I don’t want to outlaw it, and everyone has a right to their kinks, I guess, but I’m so wigged out! I guess I don’t have a question here besides wondering what you think about it. Ick! Can’t Understand This Everything is, indeed, a thing, CUT, and intimidating things like knives—objects that symbolize power, danger and control—are far likelier to become things (fetishized objects) than nonthreatening things like waffle irons or useless things like moderate Republicans. As for what I think about knife play: Well, it’s definitely not for me. But if someone wants to incorporate…
21 Feb 2018
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I’m an 18-year-old female. I’m cisgender and bisexual. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my cisgender bisexual boyfriend for about a year. I’m currently struggling with a lot of internalized biphobia and other hang-ups about my boyfriend’s sexuality. I don’t know if I’m projecting my own issues onto him or if I’m just being bigoted towards bi men, but either way, I feel truly awful about it. But when I think about the fact that he’s bi and is attracted to men, I become jealous and fearful that he will leave me for a man, or that he would rather be with a man. (I’ve been with men and women in the past; he’s never been with a man.) I know it is unfair of me to feel this way, and he’s never given me any real reason to fear this. We have a very engaged, kinky and rewarding…
14 Feb 2018
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I’m a 24-year-old nonbinary person living in Florida. I have two wonderful girlfriends. One, I have been with for four years. (We live together.) The other, I have been with for a year and a half. They’re both brilliant, interesting and kind. Both relationships have their issues, but they are minor. They know each other but aren’t close. Neither is interested in people besides me right now, although my longer-term girlfriend identifies as poly. They have both said that they see a future with me, but something doesn’t feel right. I’ve been having fantasies about leaving them both. It’s not about wanting to find someone I like better—if I met someone I really liked, I could pursue it. I just feel like neither relationship can progress while both exist. My other friends are getting married. I don’t think I want to stay in this setup indefinitely. Even if my girlfriends…
07 Feb 2018
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How does one get into the gay BDSM bottoming and leather scene? Seeking Answers Concerning Kink One shows up, SACK. “Eighty percent of success is just showing up,” someone or other once said. The adage applies to romantic/sexual success as well as professional success, SACK, but showing up easily accounts for 90 percent of success in the BDSM/leather/fetish scene. (Being a decent human being accounts for the other 110 percent*.) Because if you aren’t showing up in kink spaces—online or IRL—your fellow kinksters won’t be able to find or bind you. But you don’t have to take my word for it. “The leather scene is a diverse place with tons of outlets and avenues, depending on how you navigate your life and learn,” said Amp from Watts the Safeword (wattsthesafeword.com), a kink and sex-ed website and YouTube channel. “When I was first getting started, I found a local leather contingent…

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